I looked around and saw Max sitting on the crest of the highest rock, Nikon in hand, as he took photographs of the happy scene. He smiled and waved, then pointed the camera my way. It felt surreal, and I remained there and watched them from a short distance away as tears formed in my eyes.
It was only then that I knew, without a flicker of doubt, how several years previously and before either of their births, I had encountered my own children through some kind of mystic doorway to the future.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Au Naturel
In the world of contemporary architecture and house building, Max’s name and business had established a well-respected reputation and had recently featured in several prominent newspapers and magazines. Only last month he’d won a prestigious prize for his innovative eco-design of a modern art museum building in Aberdeen. The journalist covering the story arranged to interview him at home.
“Hi, I’m Jane Peplow.” A pretty, elfin-like woman with long poker straight chestnut hair, introduced herself, in her highly affected Edinburgh accent. She extended a dainty, well-manicured hand. “I’ve come to interview Max O’Donnell.” She peered inquisitively behind me.
“Hello, yes Max said you were coming.” I shook her hand. “I’m Katriina, come through.” I held the door. “Can I get you a tea, coffee?”
“That would be super. Coffee, black, no sugar.” As she spoke, she didn’t catch my eye and instead gazed up, taking in the large atria space.
“Max,” I shouted upstairs. “Jane from Green Build is here.”
Max appeared on the landing and jogged downstairs.
He took her hand in both of his and said, “Great to meet you Jane. We’ll talk in the living room, beautiful views. Can I get you a coffee?”
“Thanks, Kathleen is getting me one.” She beamed up at him. “This is an amazing house, Max. Did you design this?”
“It was my first project, wasn’t it Kat? We lived in a caravan while we built it.”
As they made their way upstairs, I heard her gushing compliments, and when I walked into the living room a few minutes later, they were sitting side by side. I immediately noticed their legs touched. As I placed the tray on the coffee table, I watched Jane nod keenly at his every word, and smile inanely.
“Hey, Katriina, Jane’s keen to include some stuff on Wolfstone House in her feature. You OK with that?” Max handed Jane her coffee.
“I guess so, if you want to.” I settled myself in the rocking chair by the window, opened my book and sipped my tea. As I half-listened to their conversation, I began to feel slightly ill at ease.
When they got up, I felt compelled to speak.
“Excuse me, Jane. If you do use Wolfstone in your feature, please can you not state exactly where we live?”
“Oh, absolutely. No problem at all,” she replied, cheerfully.
As Max led her away for a house tour he glanced back briefly, smiled and winked. I didn’t smile back. Jane was already snapping away with her camera as she went and I realised many of them would be unusable, as neither Max nor I had done any tidying up in preparation for her visit and the house was full of the usual tedious detritus left over from our busy lives.
After a while I heard them head outside, so I pulled on my jacket and joined them at the front. Louis and Lyssa were walking back up the drive, returning from their riding lesson at nearby Woodside Stables.
“Hi, guys. Where did you ride to?” I said.
“We rode through Cramback Woods, and along the beck at Fairy Glen.” Lyssa came up and took my hand. “I rode Grecian. He’s so fast Mum, I could hardly stop him when we got to the beck. I thought he was going to leap right over.” She looked flushed and happy.
“OK. But I’m not sure I want to know that. Personally, I think Bramble is a more suitable ride on a hack. Bombproof on the roads too.”
“He’s way too slow. Louis rode him anyway, didn’t you?” she said, and grinned at Louis.
“I got waylaid by Megan, and then I didn’t get a choice,” he grumbled.
“Megan fancies you, Lou. Did you know?” Lyssa said, with a giggle.
“Shut up,” Louis snapped. “My legs are like jelly. Bramble doesn’t respond to a squeeze, needs more of a hefty boot in the ribs. I spent the whole ride shouting at the others to wait for me.”
“I tried Lou, but Grecian only likes being in front.”
“Come and say hello to Jane,” Max said, and beckoned them over. “She’s going to be writing about our house. Exciting eh?”
Louis and Lyssa went over, none too eagerly.
I wandered off and pulled up a few weeds that were sprouting up through the gravel.
Max called over, “Guess what Kat?”
I joined them beneath the wind turbine.
“Jane’s also working with BBC Scotland who are about to start filming a documentary about zero carbon homes. She thinks ours would be perfect for it. What do you think? It would be fantastic publicity for the business.”
“I guess. What would it involve?”
“Only a half a day’s filming. I’d be interviewing Max. You don’t need to be involved if -”
“But I’d like Kat and the kids to be involved,” Max said, putting his arm around my waist. “This is our forever family home, and my family is what this is all for.”
“Of course. Super. And your kids are gorgeous, perfect for television,” she said, and scribbled something in her notebook.
Her sycophantic crawling was turning my stomach, and I turned away, resisting an urge to stick a finger down my throat.
“What are you building over there, is it a studio?” She pointed to a small square of newly laid foundations to the front of the gravelled area.
“Actually, that’s going to be our sauna. Should be up and running in a couple of months,” explained Max.
“Ooh! Really?” she said, and giggled girlishly. “I must think of an excuse to come back when it’s finished.”
“It’ll be fabulous for those cold winter evenings,” Max continued.
“And will you be sitting au naturel?” Jane flipped her hair off her shoulder and tilted her head to one side.
“Umm, I certainly hope so.” Came Max’s good-humoured reply.
I was gobsmacked at her barefaced flirting, and with me standing just feet away.
Swinging back around to face them, I said, “Yes, and I can assure you, Jane, we won’t only be sitting there au naturel, will we Max?”
Max shot me a look and burst out laughing.
“In that case, I’m going to place that order for the sauna stove right now.”
Jane pursed her lips, and changed the subject. “Now Max, how about a photo of you and the kids in front of the house?”
Louis started to make a quick getaway.
“Ahh, come on Lou. It’ll be cool, honest.” Max jogged over and put a hand on Louis’ shoulder.
Jane spent the next few minutes rearranging us into various positions and taking shots from different angles with the house in the background.
“If you could stand from smallest to tallest, and look up at the wind turbine. Ya, great, don’t smile, just gaze up in wonder. Hold it.” Jane lay on the gravel aiming to achieve a sufficiently arty angle.
I tried not to laugh, which after seeing her flat on her back, was impossible.
Afterwards, when she showed them to us, I could see we looked like the model family. Attractive and fair Max, complete with designer stubble, Louis and Lyssa both undeniably beautiful children and even I was managing a genuine smile. The house looked stunning too. The roof was thick with grasses and speckled with colourful wildflowers, and the shrubs and trees we’d planted strategically around the house were fully established and blooming with midsummer foliage.
As Jane hugged and kissed Max goodbye, I heard her say in her shrill, singsong voice.
“I’m so happy to have met you and your family, Max. The magazine editor is going to be over the moon with my feature. I honestly can�
��t thank you enough. I’ll be in touch.”
We waved her off with the promise of seeing her again for the filming for the television programme.
Once her car disappeared down the drive, Max said, “If it didn’t look as if Kurt was finally serious about someone, I’d be thinking about introducing him to Jane. They’d be perfect for one another. And she told me she’s single. “What do you reckon?” he said, eyes alight with amusement.
“Absolutely bloody perfect,” I replied, and leaned into him. “Hold that thought though. I’m sure things will become considerably less serious with Fleur before long.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Little Miss Polly Perfect
Beneath the spotlight, the fine lines on Max’s face seemed more pronounced and the shadows beneath his eyes darker. “Your car was abandoned in a layby just outside Arrochar. At the same time, a car was reported stolen from the village,” said Max. “It was low on fuel so either he has no money, or he knows better than to risk being recognised at a petrol station. The whole of Britain must have seen that picture.” Max took two cups from the cupboard. “I need caffeine.”
“Oh, so you do believe I remembered what he looked like.” I couldn’t disguise my sarcasm. I digested this new piece of crucial news. The name of a village. That meant the police were getting closer.
Max slammed his fists against the overhead cupboard and the sound of breaking china filled the kitchen. “Jesus Fucking Christ!”
About time, I thought, a show of emotion. A reaction to show he felt something. I left him there as he cursed and picked the broken china out of the sink and I rang the police. Constable Pearce told me the stolen car was a blue Nissan. I wrote down the registration on a scrap of paper and slipped it into my pocket.
“Has he still got her though?” I said to Max afterwards. “Oh Christ. I forgot to ask if it was a hatchback or saloon. That could be significant, couldn’t it?” I turned it over in my mind. “Why though, what does he want? Oh God, what’s he done to her?”
“Come here, Kat, please. We can’t think like that.”
I noticed Max trembled as he wrapped his arms around me.
“We’ve got to focus on finding her,” he said. “We will too, the police are on his trail.” He held me tightly and stroked the back of my head over and over.
“Why Loch Lomond?” I asked. “Does he live there?”
“We will find out.” Max pulled away, screwed the lid back on the milk carton and put it back in the fridge.
“It’s not like we made any enemies at Uni is it?” I continued. “And that man dying on Benn Arum. We did what we could, didn’t we?”
Max tore off a sheet of kitchen towel and blew his nose.
“Max?”
“Of course we didn’t do anything wrong,” Max replied. “Where your car was found has nothing to do with us, and he might’ve driven on somewhere else.” Max turned to the door. “I’m sure I heard a car.” He marched out of the kitchen and shouted back. “Just your parents. I’ll tell them what’s happened.”
“OK, my loves, dinner. And don’t try telling me you’re not hungry,” said Anna.
“Thanks, Mum. Soup would be fine though.”
“I know, but I need to do something. Anyway, my fish pie has always been your favourite.” She placed the crispy topped pie onto the worktop. She looked at me as she twirled the pendant on her necklace. “You look white Katriina. You don’t look right at all.” Her face suddenly crumpled, and she turned away. “We’re all trying to be strong, but how can we?”
I got up and held her. “What if we don’t get her back, Mum?”
I burst into tears, and Dad and Louis cried with us. It felt cathartic, but at the same time I felt I had accepted the inevitability of Lyssa never coming home.
On the ten o’clock news they showed the photo-fit again and the blue Nissan. Soon afterwards, Louis and my parents went to bed leaving Max and I alone in the living room.
“Want one?” Max said, and got up to pour himself another whisky.
“No and you shouldn’t either. We could get a call and have to leave.” I watched as he poured his drink, how his hands shook, and it sloshed onto the floor.
“Christ Max, you’ve poured yourself at least five shots. You’ll be pissed and ill.”
“I need it, even if you don’t,” he snapped back.
“I do need it, but what’s more important?” I said. “I couldn’t stomach it anyway.”
I thought for a second about telling him I was sure I was pregnant. But it seemed so absurd to even be pregnant, let alone think it a good time to announce it, like a piece of good news to plug the hellhole we were in. I quickly shelved the thought.
Max downed his drink, got up and poured another. He lifted his glass and slurred, “Sainte!” before he dropped onto the sofa, bottle and glass in hand. He swirled the whisky around his glass.
“Stop it, Max. You’re fucking irresponsible.” I snatched the bottle and glass from him and carried them into the kitchen.
When I returned, I found Max in tears, and his shoulders shuddered with each rise and fall of breath.
I sat down and put my arm around him.
“It’s OK to cry.”
“You don’t understand, Kat.” He smacked his forehead with his fist.
My mind reeled. “What Max? What don’t I understand?”
“Our baby. Beautiful Lyssa. It’s my fault,” he blurted, and turned away.
“It isn’t. It can’t be.”
He drummed his fingers on his temples.
“Why would you say that, Max?”
He muttered through his tears, “I’m sorry Lyssa, forgive me.”
Stunned, I jumped up. “What the fuck do you mean, forgive me?”
He glanced up at me and I saw in his eyes a dark weight of shame.
“It’s my fault. And Lyssa might die.”
I fought to keep my voice level. “You’d better explain Max - right now.”
He shifted awkwardly and with eyes fixed on the blackness outside said, “I don’t know how to start. You’ll despise me, and Lyssa still might die.”
I trembled, unable to speak.
“But I have to tell you. It might help - it might not.” His words slurred and I shuddered at what he was about to say.
“Tell me Max.”
He searched for something on his phone, and passed it to me. “This will explain.”
The pain etched upon his face terrified me and my hands shook as I took the phone from him. My legs folded. It was Lyssa, ashen face, blindfolded, her arms held behind her.
I read the message beneath.
‘Want her back alive. you no wat to do. Give me whats mine or she is no more.’
Bile rose in my throat, and I coughed and retched.
I turned to Max. “How? When did you get this? What belongs to him?”
“I never thought this would happen. It was stupid, so feckin stupid.” Max clutched his head as he spoke. “I was young, naïve, and the worst thing is, all this time, his face has never left me. He’s always in my head, my dreams… my nightmares. I’ve tried to justify it, but I can’t.” He wiped his nose. “I almost told you so many times, I swear. But I was scared you’d leave me. I couldn’t risk that.”
“Please, Max.”
“It’s the worst thing… our baby girl.”
“What did you do? Who is he?”
“I killed him, Kat. I killed his dad.”
My head spun and rolled in somersaults, like a vast windstorm that had sucked everything up in its path and churned everything round and round in ever widening circles. I wanted to scream and hit him, force Max to speak his name. Anger clung to me and suddenly the truth dawned. And I knew who he had killed.
“It was Benn Arum, wasn’t it? It was Roy?”
His tears streamed and he nodded.
For a moment I shut eyes and wished that the last two days had been one vile joke.
“You have to tell me everything,” I s
aid. “You can’t hide any longer.” I lifted his chin. “Look at me Max. You know that, don’t you?”
His eyes flickered.
“You need coffee,” I said. “Let’s talk in the kitchen.”
We sat across from one another and I watched Max. His greasy hair plastered to his forehead, the shadows on his face had grown darker and the hollows of his eyes had become deeper. Every so often a drip fell from his nose. This wasn’t my handsome, funny and loving husband before me, but a broken man who had risked everything he held dear.
“Do you remember when I spotted him as we started down Benn Arum, that storm taking us all by surprise?” Max lifted his cup, drank a mouthful and swallowed. “The wind, the rain, the noise. It was a miracle I even looked across in his direction. So many times I’ve wished I never had. But I did. We tried to help him, didn’t we? But neither of us knew what to do, other than try to stop the bleeding and talk to him.”
I nodded, and it dredged the memory from the hidden depths of my mind.
“Then you left us so you could find help. You knew how to navigate mountain tracks better than me, didn’t you?” He paused, and waited for some signal of agreement from me.
“Go on, Max.”
“After you’d gone I talked to him to keep him alive. The rain wasn’t letting up; the wind was pulling at the tent cover. It seemed like forever since you set off, but might have only been a few minutes. I climbed over the rocks nearby to look for something that might offer a clue as to who he was, something that belonged to him. And then I did find something.” He hesitated, and his eyes shifted sideways, unsure whether to continue.
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