by Marty Klein
Exactly what version of (1) female sexuality and of (2) male-female erotic interaction is being promoted by pathologizing female passion, and the male enjoyment of it?
Does this mean a woman can’t dress sexy for her lover? Can’t dance for her lover? That a woman can’t give her body to her lover? Does it mean that women have to control their eroticism lest it excite men too much? Does it mean men and women can’t play power games in bed? That they can’t use sex to pretend they are different creatures than they actually are?
If—if—in the act of watching a porn film a man reduces the actress to a body, to an object, why is this bad? If it is, why then is it OK to watch Meryl Streep, with her fake accents, wig, and scripted lines, who is merely a vessel for the ideas of the playwright and director? And why then is it OK to watch professional athletes, dancers, and singers, who indeed sacrifice their health and comfort to train and then perform for us? If the answer is, “Because our objectification of athletes and other performers takes place within a specific space,” the same is true for pornography.
Do we care about the person inside of LeBron James, Serena Williams, Miley Cyrus, or other celebrities? Do we really care when a rich football star says his abused body won’t let him get on the floor to play with his kids, or that a young television celebrity makes a series of bad life choices? For that matter, do I care about my letter carrier as a person, or do I only care that he does his job, no matter how much his feet hurt or his back’s been injured?
The issue of relating to people merely as impersonal entities performing a task is a fundamental critique of capitalism, and it’s worth a discussion. But porn didn’t invent this problem. And if this dynamic seems “worse” because sex is involved, that reflects our attitude about sexuality rather than a sophisticated analysis. It does not represent some special kind of compassion for people who perform in adult films—who, by the way, aren’t asking for anyone’s special compassion. They want what the cashiers at Walmart want—a raise, better health insurance, and the flexibility to leave work early when their kid gets sick.
If men get inaccurate ideas about women from porn, does it mean that porn demeans women? Virtually all media products involve exaggerated ideas about human beings—from Euripides’ Medea 2,500 years ago to the Bronte sisters, The Merchant of Venice, Sherlock Holmes, the Supremes, and John Wayne, for starters. The National Football League provides inaccurate ideas about men every Sunday. Do we stop watching movies, professional sports, video games, Broadway productions? Do we stop listening to music, stop looking at paintings? No. To best enrich our lives by consuming the creations of imaginary worlds by artists or performers we value, we simply need a bit of media literacy—not to stop watching or listening.
Although a small amount of pornography depicts gruesome behavior, not only does porn not demean women, most of it celebrates female sexuality—typically without the culturally redemptive context of love, relationship, intimacy, etc. This is what people from across the political spectrum find so upsetting. Demeaning to women—that women are imagined as truly sexual beings? Really?
Interlude J
45 HELPFUL THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM PORN
Pornography is not meant to be educational. It’s fiction, period.
Nevertheless, given the abstinence-oriented sex “education” most young people get, most families’ and couples’ discomfort discussing sex seriously, and Christianity’s taboos about sexual reality, most people need more information about sexuality.
If they’re fortunate, they manage to find a smart book or two, a reliable website or two, a grownup with some accurate information, and maybe even an enlightened, open-minded, communicative sex partner. Anyone lacking all four who wants sex information almost inevitably turns to porn, whether intentionally or not.
Unfortunately, many young people don’t realize that porn is not a documentary. Lacking porn literacy and media literacy, they’re ignorant about editing, off-camera preparation, and other normal features of filmmaking. People who lack real-world sexual experience may have trouble understanding some of the complex things they see in porn, like depictions of BDSM.
While some people assume that sex is—or should be—like what they see in porn, every good sex educator cautions against this (I certainly have, over and over). That said, let’s not forget the helpful things consumers can learn from porn.
This is not, not, not to say that everything people learn from porn is good. Puh-leeze—any 17-year-old who thinks his next girlfriend is dying for anal sex or a chance to go down on the pizza delivery guy is in for a shock. And it’s always too bad when men think most women climax from 90 seconds of intercourse (although the antidote is pretty straightforward: a woman simply telling a guy “that’s not me,” with no apology necessary).
So here’s a reminder of helpful things that porn can teach us about sex.
Wait, one more time: I know, I know—porn also contains many inaccurate, even egregious lessons. But if we’re concerned about people taking those wrong lessons seriously, let’s also take these potentially helpful lessons seriously. Sex educators have been teaching many of them for years, and we should be glad to have them reinforced.
45 Helpful Things You Can Learn from Porn
Men can touch their penises during sex
Women can touch their vulvas during sex
Spit works for lube
Some women sometimes desire sex without romance
Telling each other stories can make sex hotter
Men can climax using their own hand
Some people like to look at each other during sex
Some women think about sex in advance
Women sometimes use their hand to insert the penis into their vagina
Men sometimes use their hand to insert their penis into a vagina
If the penis comes out during intercourse, you can simply put it back in
Some women like fellatio
Some women like cunnilingus
Some men like fellatio
Some men like cunnilingus
Some people enjoy having the outside of their anus licked
Some people enjoy licking their partner’s anus
Men and women can enjoy intercourse with a condom
People can kiss during sex
Different people kiss really differently
Even women who enjoy intercourse may like their clitoris stimulated
People can change position during sex
Vulvas can look really different from each other
There’s more to a vulva than just a vagina
Some women use and enjoy vibrators and dildos
Some men like their balls stimulated during sex
Watching someone undress can be sexy
Pregnant women can be sexual
Whether during intercourse, oral, or manual sex, the clitoris can be important
The volume of ejaculate is not related to penis size
Sex is more than penis–vagina intercourse
Some women have orgasms
Some people are on very friendly terms with ejaculate
Some older women and older men are sexual
Older women can be attractive to younger men (and vice versa)
People can have sex with people of different races
Heterosexual people can enjoy watching same-gender sex
Women with small breasts can enjoy having their breasts stimulated
Some people enjoy hair-pulling, spanking, and teasing as part of sex
People can smile and talk to each other during sex
People can indicate to each other what they like during sex
Some women shave/wax their vulvas, others don’t
Some men shave/wax their pubic area, others don’t
A man can happily ejaculate outside a vagina
People don’t have to climax at the same time for sex to be great
Whatever your sexual fantasy, you’re not the only one who has it.
PA
RT III
About You and Yours
Chapter Four
YOUR KIDS AND PORN
First, the good news: your kids are safer than you probably fear.
Porn is not a toxic substance that can infect them. Porn doesn’t make them run out and molest other kids. Porn doesn’t make them want to rape or get raped. Porn won’t make them a porn addict, even if they worry that they’re a porn addict. And if they sleep in and miss school, porn didn’t make them do it (the culprit is more likely Facebook or texting, although the kid is ultimately responsible).
Does that mean you shouldn’t be concerned? No. But rather than succumbing to PornPanic and its phony, irrational dangers, here’s what you might want to be concerned about regarding your kids and porn:
Kids getting inaccurate ideas about sex; everyone seems to agree that this is a problem
Kids confused about what they see
Kids feeling guilty or ashamed of their sexual fantasies, thoughts, or feelings
Kids feeling guilty or ashamed of the fact that they masturbate
The worst part of any of this is if they feel they can’t talk with you about it. That is, the worst part of kids looking at porn is if they have visual or emotional experiences around sexuality that they can’t discuss with you.
Yes, the strongest impact of kids’ relationship with porn (as with many other things) involves the extent to which they’re hiding from you, fearing you, learning from you, or being comforted by you. The problem, of course, is that porn is about sex, and most kids know you don’t want them watching it. So without your special effort, they’ll be highly disposed toward secrecy and isolation. That makes your feelings part of the situation you and your kids are facing regarding porn. Which, by the way, is one unspoken reason that some parents resent porn—“I don’t want to talk about sex stuff with my kid, but porn forces me to.”
So let’s start with that.
Porn is an adult product, made for adult consumers. Kids can’t really understand it. So they need guidance. If you wish, go ahead and tell your kids you don’t want them watching it, and explain why—it’s an adult product, made for adult consumers. There are things in it that will probably confuse them, maybe even trouble them. So tell them you strongly prefer they not watch until they’re older.
Some kids will abide by your request. Others won’t.
Now it’s tricky for a parent to say, “I don’t want you doing x, but if you do, here’s how I want you to do it.” But we do that with other things:
“I don’t want you drinking alcohol, but if you do, call me and I’ll come and take you home.”
“I don’t want you texting while you bike, but if you do, wear a helmet.”
“I don’t want you having intercourse, but if you do, use contraception.”
“I don’t want you in a car driven by Joe, but if you do, wear a seatbelt. And check that he hasn’t been drinking.”
So now you have to say that about porn, and that’s where your familiar parenting values come in: “I don’t want you watching porn, but if you do,
I still love you.
I still want you happy and healthy.
I still want to help you understand your world and the world around you.
I still want you to understand that both sexuality and relationships can be great or not so great, depending on how you manage them.
I still want you to feel we can talk about anything.
I still want to teach you how to make good choices about sexuality and relationships.
If you observe that none of these are specifically about porn, you’re absolutely right. The most important rule about parenting kids around the issue of porn is … don’t get distracted by the porn.
So let’s say you’re a good parent, and you know the routine on “I don’t want you doing x, but let’s discuss how to do it more safely.” But what about this x?
That’s a fair question, and a helpful answer requires some context. We’ve discussed how America’s PornPanic affects us in many ways; so how does it affect parenting? By scaring us into believing that (1) our kids are in great danger from watching porn; (2) our kids are in great danger from others watching porn; (3) talking to kids about porn in a reasonable way will harm them, harm our relationship with them, and/or harm our kid’s relationship to others.
That urging you to believe your only reasonable option is mobilizing to keep them from watching it, and that other than “keep away,” there’s nothing about which to educate them. That if you’re not frightened or angry about porn’s effects on your kids, you’re a bad parent.
Of course, a certain amount of the dangerism surrounding kids and porn involves sexuality in general. For example, many activists warn that viewing porn leads young people to premarital sex, masturbation, and believing that recreational sex is acceptable. Now some parents find that prospect way less frightening than others (you may be wondering, “And the problem with that is …?”). But when sex-negative messages are mixed with porn-negative messages (e.g., “Porn teaches male viewers to hate women”), the combination can look frightening to even the most open-minded parent.
Here are some common allegations about how porn harms kids. They are repeated so frequently and loudly that many people assume they’re actual facts—but they’re not. According to anti-porn activists:
Porn ruins kids for future relationships
Porn trains their brains (badly)
Porn lowers their current and later adult opinion of women
Porn leads them to molest other children
Porn addicts them
Porn sexualizes them too early
Porn sets them up for erection or other sex problems in early adulthood
These supposed outcomes lend an air of urgency and pessimism to the project of keeping kids away from porn. It’s no surprise that so many parents give up before they start.
If you feel frightened or powerless, remember: This dangerist narrative is being driven by people who don’t care about your family, but do have a vested interest in your insecurity. And do remember that just as parents are the primary sex educators of their children, they’re the primary porn educators of their children. To do that properly, it’s important that you know the facts about these common myths.
Myth: Porn Ruins Kids for Future Sexual Relationships
While porn does present images of sexuality that don’t reflect real life, so do many other popular media. Parents can compensate for that by discussing actual sexuality (you know, beyond plumbing) with young people. It’s sexual ignorance, not sexual imagery, that can damage future sexual relationships.
Myth: Porn Trains Their Brains (Badly)
There’s no evidence for sporadic porn viewing ruining anyone’s brain. Our brains are always changing, and our brain responds to pleasure in all its forms: playing with a puppy (even watching videos of people playing with a puppy), eating a cookie, seeing parents smile, listening to a favorite song, and watching pictures of naked people having sex.
Very few young people watch porn frequently and intensely enough to fall into a different category. Of course the satisfaction of watching porn reinforces interest in watching it again. Most young people have competing interests—sports, school, video games, friends, social media. Every good parent encourages these interests (other than social media), irrespective of porn.
Myth: Porn Lowers Their Opinions of Women
There’s no evidence for this.
Teach kids to respect women by respecting women—at home, on the street, and in the news. If you have daughters, talk to them about the various ways you perceive them using their looks or sexuality. At the same time, teach them that their sexuality is a valuable part of them, not something to be denigrated by anyone.
If you have sons, make it clear that women are, first and foremost, people. Then teach them, day after day, how to treat people. If your son has an older sister, encourage him to ask her questions about how guys behave with her—especially th
e ways she doesn’t like. Invite him to think about how he wants people treating her, and to compare that with his own treatment of the girls in his life. And let him know that women who enjoy sex are to be valued, not judged.
Myth: Porn Leads Kids to Molest Other Children
There’s no evidence for this.
Teach kids to respect other children—at home, on the street, and in the news. This includes diversity, gender, anger control, self-soothing, empathy, and non-violence.
Forcing other kids to kiss you, or touch you, or let you touch them is wrong, but not because it involves sex; it’s wrong to force other kids to do stuff, period.
And by the way, kids have been playing doctor since before there were doctors. It’s absolutely natural for kids to be curious about each other’s bodies and their own erotic feelings. Don’t confuse cooperative kid play with “molestation” just because there’s eroticism or genitalia involved.
Myth: Porn Addicts Them
There’s no such thing as “porn addiction.” And while the satisfaction of watching porn reinforces interest in watching it again, that’s also true of kids’ other activities, like sports, friends, social media, and family. So definitely encourage their interest in activities and relationships you think are healthy.
In general, kids need limits placed on their screen time, regardless of what’s on the screen. We should be way more concerned about kids becoming “addicted” to texting and screen time in general than to their possible porn “addiction.”
Myth: Porn Sexualizes Kids Too Early
What exactly does this mean? Our culture has become more sexually oriented since the Internet came to most homes 20 years ago. These days, you can buy vibrators online; TV includes nudity and coarse language; popular music is filled with sexual references that are far beyond the old Moon-June-Spoon days; and the news media discuss sexual issues like Viagra, abortion, sex work, campus rape, transgenderism, and sexting in ways unthinkable just a few years ago.