“I can’t talk about this with my mom. I just can’t,” I said, shyly turning my head and twirling my mid-length do.
“Better she talk about it with you,” my sister, younger by four years, popped into my room and said.
“Hailey, have you been standing there the whole time? Quit being nosy,” my mom scolded and shooed her away.
“We were talking about being a Beta, Mom. We weren’t talking about me and sex,” I quickly reminded her.
“Well, I’m not done. I think any young lady that makes smart choices will do that across the board. If you make wise decisions, particularly when the alternative is giving it up to some boy who the next day probably won’t know you exist. You could wind up pregnant or with some disease. Isn’t it better to stay away from all that? Someone who’s strong enough to resist temptation and stands for what God says is right, will not want to be a part of some group that thinks the only way you can get in is to participate in some form of illegal activity that the organization doesn’t even tolerate,” she said, getting louder and louder with each sentence.
“Okay Mom, I get it! You don’t have to go on and on and on about it,” I said to her, extremely frustrated.
I didn’t want to go there with her, but it seemed to me like she needed to get her groove on. My dad Harry was away at war. He’s an officer in the Navy and his girl had too much idle time on her hands. So much so that she was all up in my business.
My mom knew I wanted to be a member of Beta Gamma Pi ever since she pledged the organization’s alumnae chapter when I was in the fifth grade. After she became a member, I remember many nights during my childhood when she was away with the service-oriented organization, working in the community by taking food to the poor, being there for the elderly, and helping the uneducated gain knowledge. Even though part of me resented not having all of her time, it just fueled me, excited me, and made me want to strive to become a member one day. My mom had wanted to pledge as an undergraduate when she was in college, but due to females tripping, she didn’t. I had a deep longing to obtain that goal for her.
My mom came over and got right in my face. “Let me just tell you this really quickly. I desperately want you to be a Beta. But if you participate in any of that foolishness and anything happens, I don’t want you calling me. I don’t want you thinking that I can help save the line. None of that. Do you understand? I’m telling you now, I don’t support hazing and in the end it only divides. Be a leader on that campus, Hayden Grant.”
She went on to explain, for the fiftieth time, the legitimate steps to becoming a Beta. First, there was rush, where an informational session is held and the members of the organization explain all about what they stand for and what they do. They also distribute application packets to the prospective candidates, which need to be turned in by a certain date. After the packets are returned and reviewed by the members of the organization, then comes the interview. But not everyone will get one. After the interview, if you receive enough votes from the sisters of Beta Gamma Pi, then you become a part of the pledge line. After handing in the money for the pledge fee, a Pi induction ceremony is held. There are five Gem ceremonies and an Eagle weekend hosted by the alumnae chapter, which pledges must attend. Next there is an intense week of studying the history of the sorority and a major exam is given before the candidates are ready to cross over and become sisters of Beta Gamma Pi.
“You participate in any other activity and it’s hazing. Got it?”
I nodded. Of course I heard her, but I couldn’t say what I would and wouldn’t do once pressure from the Betas was applied. I didn’t want to be ostracized and considered paper because I wouldn’t participate in a few little uncomfortable things. I mean how bad could hazing really be, right?
There are certain rules that go along with the way many people think is the best way to pledge. First, pledging on the collegiate level carries more weight than pledging in an alumnae chapter. I thought this was crazy. However, the rationale is that collegiate chapters really make members do things way over and above what the standard rules call for. Also, many believe that if you don’t go through the collegiate process then you are not a real pledge, only a paper one. And let’s face it, if you have the chance, who wants to be called paper? Definitely not me.
Then there is the legacy rule. In some sororities if your mother is a member and you have the qualifications, then there is no vote necessary. You automatically become a member. But, with Beta Gamma Pi, that isn’t the case. Since my mom didn’t pledge on the collegiate level, their preferred methods, I knew I was going to have to pay for what she didn’t go through. I was ready for it, because I knew if I made line I could legitimize my mom’s place in the sorority.
“I’m gonna make you proud, Mom. You don’t have to worry,” I said, stroking her verbally and psychologically.
“Honey, all you need to do is concentrate on your grades and be the best Hayden you know how to be. If the Betas don’t want you, it’s their loss. You can always pledge the way I did,” she said in a sweet tone, so I’d keep my hope. But I wasn’t having it.
My mom wasn’t all excited about the way she pledged. She knew the stigma attached to alumnae pledge methods. Though I knew deep in my heart that being put through an intense pledge process didn’t make one a better member, if I had the opportunity to get all my props, I had to do it. Why would she think I wouldn’t want all the respect?
My mother continued, “Now see, I can tell by your face you think pledging on the alumnae level is not kosher.”
“Well, it was your dream to pledge undergrad,” I quickly reminded her.
“Yeah, but just because that didn’t work out doesn’t mean that I would go back and trade my experience for anything. I was so connected with the ladies on my line. And quite honestly it was absolutely the best timing. God knew what He was doing. And Hayden, for you to have the outcome that He wants for your life, you have to ignore what others say and just focus on what is right. You know how to be a strong person, but a strong leader knows that God’s way is golden. So seek Him and figure out what He wants for you. Plus, I truly now believe pledging on an alumnae level is the best way to join the organization,” she said with her worried eyes locked on mine.
I smiled, feeling she believed those last words. I hugged her to let her know though I wanted a different experience, I was going to be okay. Then I was off to college. Western Smith University, here I come. It was time to get my sophomore year started.
We hugged, and then I was off. It was time to get my sophomore year started.
1
BECOMING
If I see one more Beta Gamma Pi girl looking down at me because I’m not sporting any of them pitiful letters, I might just kick her tail. Yes, I’m here at their convention, but I am not Greek. I’m not here like other wannabes; I’m here because I have to be.
My mom, Dr. Monica Jenkins Murray, is their National President, and that makes me sick. I can’t believe my time with my mom has taken a backseat to the sorority. For real, when it came to my mom doing sorority business versus my mom being a mom, I came last every time. Yeah, she said all the sorority stuff was for the good of the community and one day I’d understand her sacrifice, but when she didn’t make any of my piano recitals or, parent-teacher conferences, I started to detest the group she loved.
After my parents divorced and my older brother moved out with my dad, it was just my mom and me. Though we lived in the same house, we were worlds apart. Basically I felt Beta Gamma Pi took everything away from me. I was at the National Convention only because some of the ladies on the executive board were more of a mom to me than my own mother. The First Vice President, Deborah Day, who lived in California, begged me to come support their endeavors. Because she was always there when I needed someone to talk to, I came. Plus, the VIP rooms in the hotel were stocked with alcohol. With no one around to supervise, I was feeling nice.
“You’re all smiles. I guess you just finished kissing the National
President’s butt, huh?” I said to a girl coming out of my mom’s presidential suite.
“I’m sorry, do I know you?” the girl said, squinting, trying to figure out who I was.
“You’re so full of it,” I said, calling her out as I stumbled, trying to get my key to work on the door. “You know who I am. You’re just trying to get on my good side to raise your stock with her.”
The girl persisted. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to offend you, but you really do look familiar. Do you need some help with that?”
I snatched my hand away. “I don’t need your help.”
“What’s going on out here?” The door flung open, and my mom came out in the hallway.
“I was, uh, trying to get in the room.” I fell back a little.
“Girl, you are so embarrassing me. Get your drunk behind in here now,” my mom said sternly. Then she sweetly spoke to the other girl. “Hayden, come in, please.”
“Wasn’t she just leaving?” I said. I was so confused. My mom went over to this Hayden girl and just started explaining my behavior, like she needed to apologize to some college girl about how I was acting. Why couldn’t my mom apologize to me that I had to put up with a brownnoser?
“Come here, Malloy, I want to introduce you guys,” my mom said. I reluctantly walked over to them. “Hayden Grant, this is my daughter Malloy Murray. Malloy, Hayden is the Chapter President of Beta Gamma Pi on your campus.”
“See, I thought I knew you.” The girl smiled, and she reached to shake my hand. “I’m going to be a junior. I knew I’d seen you around school, but I didn’t know this was your mom.”
“Yeah, sure you didn’t know this was my mom,” I said sarcastically while keeping my arms glued to my sides.
My mom huffed, “Lord, you don’t have to be rude.”
“Then don’t force me to talk to someone I don’t want to talk to, and don’t apologize for how I’m feeling. I have a right to be angry, okay, Mom? I don’t want to embarrass you anymore, so please get this girl out of my face. I don’t care what school she goes to. Unlike both of you, I don’t think Beta Gamma Pi is God’s gift to the world.”
“Hayden, I’m so sorry about this again. Let’s just keep this between us. My daughter doesn’t usually drink. She’ll be much more herself when you guys get back to school. Let’s just say I do look forward to working more closely with your chapter, particularly when Malloy makes line.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Hayden said, really getting on my nerves. She could not get out of the suite fast enough for me. Of course, after she left, my mom looked at me like she was disappointed. Shucks, I was the one rightfully upset. The alcohol just allowed me to finally let out how I felt.
“Mom, don’t go making no promises to that girl about me being on line. I’m in school to get an education, not to pledge. Plus, their last line was crazy. They haze up there. You want me to have something to do with that? You’re the National President. You’re supposed to be against any form of hazing. I’m telling you it was all around school that they put a girl from the last line in the hospital.”
She looked at me and rolled her eyes. I believed what I was saying. Some of those girls would do anything to wear Greek letters. Not me.
Changing her tone, she said, “Sweetheart, if you’re a part of it, they won’t do anything like that. I don’t have to worry about anybody doing anything you don’t want, as tough as you are. Just promise me you’ll take this into consideration. This is one of my hopes for you, Malloy. Being a part of this sisterhood can be so fulfilling. You don’t even have a best friend, for crying out loud.”
“Yeah, for crying out loud, one of your biggest dreams for me is to be in a sorority. Not to fall in love with a man and stay married forever—like you couldn’t. Not to graduate from college with honors and get a great job or doctorate—like you did. Instead, you’re praying your child gets into a sorority. I might have had a couple drinks, but it’s clear to me that’s the thing you want most for me.” I plopped down on the couch, picked up the remote, clicked on the television, and put the volume on high. “Don’t hold your breath on me becoming a Beta. Sweet dreams, Mommy.”
She went into her part of the suite and slammed the door. I knew I had disappointed her. However, as much as she had disappointed me in my life, we weren’t anywhere close to being even.
“Mikey,” I said the next morning as I came out of my side of the large executive suite I was sharing with my family and saw my brother watching the sports channel with his friend.
“Hey, sis,” he said, squinting his eyes as he looked at my outfit.
I hadn’t realized my silk gown was open, and the little nightie I wore was revealing much more than my brother wanted his friend to see.
“Cover up, girl. Dang,” Mikey said.
“Not on account of me,” his friend said with a smirk.
The guy was so fine. I could see the outline of his chiseled chest through the T-shirt he wore. When I looked harder I knew exactly who he was. It was Kade Rollins, the starting linebacker for the University of Southeastern Arkansas.
Mikey was a defensive back on the same team. He wasn’t that great, but he’d started. On the contrary, this Rollins guy was great. I remembered the sports writers wondering why he didn’t go pro last year. Kade was staying for his senior year to graduate and make his stock go even higher. He was predicted to go in the first round of the draft.
Kade’s dark mocha eyes were so into me. I was actually loving the glare. It made me feel sexy. Mikey was furious. I turned around and went back into my room as Mikey followed.
“What’s up with that? Why are you going to come out and be all disrespectful like that? Fix your clothes.”
1
ARRIER
“Alyx Cruz in the house. I’m a Beta Gamma Pi girl—get out the way! Alyx Cruz in the house. I’m a Beta Gamma Pi girl—I work it all day!” I chanted as I swayed my Latina hips from left to right at the National Convention’s collegiate party for my beloved sorority, Beta Gamma Pi.
I wasn’t trying to be funny or anything, but as a Mexican in a black sorority, it was not easy. I had it going on. The looks I got from men told me they wanted to get with me, and the looks I got from girls told me they wanted to be me, or they hated me because they weren’t. It wasn’t my fault that I didn’t have kinky hair and that mine flowed more like a white girl’s (though, truth be told, some days I wished mine was kinky—maybe then I’d fit in with everyone). Though they couldn’t see it, I felt like a true sister from my core. But most Betas felt a Spanish girl shouldn’t be in a predominantly African American sorority. If they’d take time to get to know me they’d see I was down for the same things they were. That’s why I joined Beta Gamma Pi.
However, if another one of my sorors looked at me like they wanted to snatch my letters off my chest, they were gonna be in for war—a real fight. I hated that I’d had to transfer to a new school. I’d finally gotten people to like me for me back in Texas, but because I’d partied just a little too much—okay, well, not just a little too much, a lot too much—my grades had suffered. And I’d put my scholarship in jeopardy. It was a minority scholarship, for which you had to maintain a 3.0 grade point average. I’d had to find another school that would take me with my 2.6 GPA, but I’d wished I could fix my mistakes. I hoped I wouldn’t squander another great opportunity.
Now I was gonna have to start all over again winning friends at Western Smith College, my Tio Pablo’s alma mater. My uncle helped my mom and me come to the United States from Mexico when I was three. He’d died when I was six, and it had been me and my mom ever since. My mom kept his framed degree in our house to inspire me to do more. So I applied to Western Smith and thankfully got enough financial aid to attend.
I couldn’t get an education any other way. I had an opportunity, and I couldn’t be crazy with it. I had to make sure I seized the chance. Here I was in America living the dream, and I had been about to waste all that. But now at Western Smith, I had a second c
hance.
But I couldn’t focus on any of that, particularly when my favorite song came on. “Hey, get ’em up, get ’em up!” I started shouting as I turned, swiveled, sashayed, and bumped into that girl Malloy I’d met an hour before.
“I am so sorry,” I stuttered, taken back at seeing Malloy with about fifteen of her buddies all staring hard at me like I’d stolen their men or something.
“Oh, no, you’re fine. It’s perfect anyway. I was just telling my chapter sorors here about you,” Malloy said in an overly sweet tone.
All these girls were from the Alpha chapter at Western Smith, where my sorority was founded. For some reason the girls in this chapter really thought they were better than everybody else. I could tell by the way they looked at me that they wished I’d go crawl under a rock. But I was on my way to their campus, and I already had my letters, so they needed to get over themselves. I looked at them, my hand on my hip and my eyes fully awake, like, “What ... what you gon’ do?”
“Okayyy, let’s have some hugs and some love,” Malloy said as she pushed me toward them.
The hugs I got from some of the girls made me want to throw up. They were so fake with it. When I got to the last few, I didn’t even move to hug them. I wasn’t a pledge. They could respect me or keep stepping. A few of the girls turned their noses up at me and walked off. I didn’t care, because the sorors I pledged with would always be there for me when I needed sisterhood.
Then Malloy touched my shoulder and whispered, “Wait, please let me introduce you. Please.”
Something in her gesture got to me. I didn’t know her from Adam, but she was genuine. I really appreciated her wanting to make the awkwardness dissolve.
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