Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  Rita took a long draft of beer, her eyes never leaving his. “Quinn still at the studio?”

  “What do you want, Rita?”

  “She slept with him, Aaron. And everybody knows that. They had a child together and, Jesus! Did you not see them on Jordan Jackson’s show?”

  “I was there, Rita.”

  “That was freaking intense!”

  “Yeah… I think we’re done here.”

  He walked over to her, reaching out to take the bottle from her hand. “She’s still in love with him, Aaron. Can’t you see that?”

  “I want you to go now, Rita.”

  “I care about you, Aaron. I never stopped doing that, even when you were fucking her behind my back. And, oh, look, she’s doing exactly the same to you. Maybe now you know how it feels.”

  “Just go now, Rita, OK? Before we both say something we might regret.”

  “I care about you, Aaron. And I don’t think you deserve the crap she’s giving you right now.”

  “That’s my wife you’re talking about, so just watch your mouth.”

  “It feels like she’s leaving you, doesn’t it? It feels like she’s drifting away…”

  “I swear, I will throw you out myself if I have to. I really don’t need this, not from you… Just go, Rita. Please. Just, leave.”

  She put down her beer and reached out to touch his face, but he knew what she was doing. And it wasn’t a place he wanted to go. So he took hold of her wrist and gently pulled her hand away.

  “Do you know where she is, Aaron?”

  “What goes on between me and my wife is none of your goddamn business, Rita.”

  “No, Aaron, it’s everyone’s business. Little Miss English and her Irish ex-husband made sure of that.”

  “Jesus Christ…” He threw back his head and let out a long, frustrated sigh. He was tired and angry, at everything and everyone and these feelings – these unfamiliar, alien feelings were exhausting. “What do you really want, Rita, huh?”

  “We could be good together again, you and me.”

  He narrowed his eyes as he looked at her. Yeah. He knew why she was here. It was obvious. “It’s not happening, Rita.”

  “It might be just what you need.”

  “What? You think me sleeping with you in some kind of revenge fuck is gonna make everything better?”

  “Two can play her game, Aaron.”

  “You’re unbelievable. You been waiting for this to happen, huh? Is that it? Have you been hoping and praying that Lukas Drake’s reappearance was gonna tear me and Quinn apart? Leaving the way open for you to step right on in there, all ready to fix my broken heart?”

  “You’re making me sound like some cold, manipulative bitch.”

  “You’ve never really liked her, have you? Quinn. You never really accepted her.”

  “She knew exactly what she was doing when she was fucking my fiancé. She took you from me, Aaron, she stole you. And you weren’t hers to take.”

  “I wanted to be stolen, Rita. I wanted her to take me.”

  “Was I really that bad?”

  “And you know it wasn’t like that. I loved you, and I thought we were ready to start a life together, but when I met Quinn… I fell hard, Rita. So fucking hard.”

  “You weren’t hers to take.”

  “I fell in love. I needed her. She needed me.”

  “And all she did was hurt you.”

  “No, she didn’t. We were happy, for a long time, you know that…”

  “But you aren’t happy now. Are you?”

  He leaned back against the counter, hanging his head. He really was too tired for this.

  “Do you know where she is, Aaron? Right now, do you know where she is?”

  He shook his head, closing his eyes as another wave of tiredness swamped him.

  “Then she’s probably with him.”

  Maybe Rita was right, maybe Quinn was with Lukas, he didn’t know. He was trying not to think about it.

  “We had to act out scenes today that were so fucking real it was like we were playing out our own personal break-up for the whole world to see.”

  He felt Rita gently touch his arm and he looked at her, all of a sudden grateful for her company.

  “And it broke my fucking heart. It broke hers, too, I could see it. But sometimes – sometimes you just have to know when to stop fighting.”

  Rita pulled him into her arms and held him close, he needed her now. He needed someone, to ease this pain, to take away that fear, but it was coming, The end. He could feel it, racing toward him, a cruel inevitability he just couldn’t stop. Nobody could. It was too fucking late…

  ***

  Quinn ran her fingers lightly over the edge of the crib, looking down at the blankets Noah had been wrapped in when she’d held him; those few, precious days she’d had with her boy, before she’d had him almost wrenched from her arms, for her own good, they’d said. She’d needed to let go. Something she’d never given Lukas the chance to do; let go. Say goodbye. And that guilt, that regret would stay with her forever.

  “You have to stop torturing yourself, Quinn.”

  She looked at him as he leaned back against the window ledge, the dim rays from the night-light on the wall enhancing the faint red tinges in his hair.

  “What happened, we can’t change it.”

  “You deserved to know your son.”

  “I’m getting to know him now.”

  “You didn’t even get a chance to hold him.”

  “I was in no fit state, Quinn. I couldn’t function properly back then, I wasn’t living in a world that could’ve seen me understand the enormity of what you were going through. You didn’t need me there…”

  “I did,” she whispered. “I needed you, Lukas.”

  “You needed the man you fell in love with, not the man I became.”

  “And who are you now?”

  “A very different man.”

  She crouched down and picked up one of the many soft toys Noah had never even had a chance to touch. He’d never opened his eyes, never taken a breath; he’d never known what sunlight was or how the dark could sometimes scare you. And she’d never been able to tell him that, no matter how dark it was or how scared you were, someone would always be there to save you. Someone would always be there…

  “Quinn?”

  She stood up, but she didn’t move, she couldn’t. The memories that engulfed her every time she walked into this room, they were crashing back around her all over again, and this time, because Lukas was here with her, they seemed twice as strong and ten times as brutal. So when she felt his arms wrap around her from behind it was nothing more than a natural reaction to fall back against him; to let him hold her, feel his breath on her neck as he whispered words of comfort.

  “I’m so sorry, Lukas.”

  He swung her around and pulled her against him, stroking the hair from her eyes. “Stop saying that, OK? You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing.”

  “I loved you so much,” she whispered, sliding a hand around the back of his neck. “So, so much.”

  “I know,” he murmured, his hand on the small of her back pushing her closer against him. “And I loved you, too. I never stopped, loving you.”

  “What are we doing, Lukas?”

  “You said it was the end, Quinn. But I think you’re wrong. I think this is just the beginning.”

  She didn’t really know what he meant by that, and she was too emotional, too tired to ask, she just wanted a drink and some sleep, enough rest to make sure she was able to get through another day tomorrow.

  “Stay with me tonight, Quinn.”

  She shook her head, but her heart was saying something completely different.

  “We should be together, tonight.”

  Harry was at his home in Beverly Hills, with his husband. With Jason and their dogs, this perfect little family he’d built up over the years, despite having to deal with her messed up life. He wasn’t here, at the Pacific Pal
isades home he’d had for decades. But she wished he was, to stop her from doing this. He’d pulled her back from the brink so many times, and he wasn’t here to do it again, and she wasn’t strong enough to walk away. Not tonight, not from this. Not now.

  “What’ve we done, Lukas?”

  His eyes burned into hers as his fingertips lightly grazed her cheek. “We’ve found each other, that’s all, Quinn. We’ve found each other.”

  Twenty-Five

  The airport V.I.P. lounge was crammed full of invited press and countless studio-employed P.R. people who’d been assigned the task of making sure this press tour for the movie ran smoothly, and given everything that had happened before, during, and after filming had finished, that was a tough call, even for the most seasoned professionals. But it wasn’t like any of them hadn’t known this was going to happen. From the second that movie had wrapped, all of them had known, that this was going to happen.

  Quinn looked down at her clasped hands, letting the background noise of all those people wash over her. And it was only when she heard the noise level rise a little, and the sound of various people greeting someone that she looked up, and she saw him, all tall and handsome in an Iron Maiden T-shirt, jeans, boots and a dark brown leather jacket, his short hair all messed up, his jaw line covered by days’ worth of stubble.

  Despite everyone assuming their marriage was in trouble, Quinn and Aaron had stayed together, once the move had wrapped. They’d wanted to make it work, they really had, because they loved each other. Quinn loved that man, despite all the shit Lukas had caused to resurface; all the pain and the heartbreak. She’d wanted Aaron to save her again, she’d needed him, to do that. And he’d tried, he really had. They’d both tried, but too much had happened, too many old wounds had been reopened. Separation, be that temporary or permanent, they had yet to work that one out, seemed like the only option. They needed space. Time. They’d also wanted privacy, but given everything that had happened, that wasn’t something they’d gotten all that much of, which didn’t make any of it any easier. But Quinn had had almost two decades of living her life – the good bits, and the bad – in the full glare of the public eye. She knew how to deal with it.

  Aaron had stayed in their Beverly Hills home, she’d moved to the Malibu beach house. And even though everyone assumed that was it, that she’d run straight back into the arms of Lukas Drake, they’d been wrong. She hadn’t gone back to Lukas. She wasn’t going to. Maybe she did still love him, too, in a way she couldn’t explain; he was always going to be there, she’d accepted that now. The connection between them was too strong, it was never going to be broken. But she couldn’t go back there. She couldn’t risk it. She believed with every beat of her heart that he really had changed, she believed that. But he’d broken her once, and all the promises in the world from him couldn’t make her take that risk again. She loved Aaron more, loved their life. Her priority right now was to mend what had been broken there. She wanted her husband back.

  “Hey.”

  She looked up as Lukas sat down beside her, and she threw him a faint smile. She hadn’t seen him in weeks, not since she’d been called in to reshoot a couple of scenes last minute. But even then she’d kept it professional. It hadn’t been long since she and Aaron had separated and she’d still been working on some kind of auto-pilot, and he hadn’t pushed her into anything, hadn’t tried to pull her back towards him. He’d sensed the situation, and he’d backed away from it. But he was never going to be out of her life, not now. Not ever. And she didn’t want him out, didn’t want him to disappear. She just couldn’t love him again, not in the way he wanted her to.

  “Hey back.”

  “You OK?”

  She shrugged, sitting back in her seat as she looked around the room, at the masses of people all here to help organize their lives for the next few weeks. They had interviews, TV appearances, photo shoots to do. They had premieres to attend, it was an exhausting schedule, but for Quinn it meant having Aaron close again, and that’s all that mattered to her. She could get through it all, because he was going to be there, too. It wasn’t just her movie; it wasn’t just his or Lukas’s. It was theirs. It belonged to all three of them. But maybe that was what had caused all of this in the first place. There were three of them now, when it should only be two.

  “How’s it all looking? Now it’s finished?” she asked, wanting to steer the subject away from her and Aaron, and him.

  “It looks amazing. You look amazing. We’ve made one hell of a movie, Quinn.”

  “Good.” She dropped her gaze again, her eyes back on her clasped hands. “I’m glad it was worth it.”

  “Quinn…”

  She left it a couple of seconds before she looked at him, and even then she didn’t say anything, not at first. She got up and walked over to the back of the room, to the wall of windows that looked outside where the private jet that was to take her, Aaron, Lukas, and a handful of invited press and media to New York on the first leg of this press tour sat waiting on the apron.

  “You and Aaron…”

  She turned around to face him, sliding her hands into the pockets of her skin-tight black jeans. “We’re still living apart.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Well, I’d like to say it isn’t your fault, but I’d be lying.”

  Lukas hung his head and laughed quietly, raising his gaze to lock eyes with her once more. “I guess I deserved that.”

  She leaned back against the glass and dragged a hand through her hair. “I’m sorry,” she sighed, turning her head slightly to look back outside, at the sun beating down on the tarmac; the team of people checking over the plane. “I didn’t mean that.”

  “You did.”

  She looked at him, and he was smiling, and she returned it. “Yeah, OK, I did.” She stuck her hands back in her pockets, looking down at the carpet, at her black, spike-heeled ankle boots that she knew weren’t the most comfortable thing to travel in, but she had an image to keep up, whether she liked it or not. “But it wasn’t just you, Lukas. I didn’t handle everything all that well, either, did I? Keeping secrets, lying to Aaron…”

  “You didn’t lie to him, Quinn. You just didn’t tell him…”

  “There’s a difference? Keeping secrets, from the man I’m supposed to love, that was wrong. That’s what destroyed us.”

  “You’re talking like it’s final. Like that’s the end for you guys.”

  She raised her head, her eyes once more locking on his. “Maybe it is, I don’t know. I haven’t seen him or talked to him in a while, so…” She trailed off. There was nothing more to say, really.

  “You’re here. Good.” Harry didn’t even look up from his phone as he approached Quinn and Lukas, but it was obvious who he was aiming that comment at. “We’re almost ready to board.”

  “Aaron isn’t here yet,” Quinn pointed out, scanning the lounge for the man who was still her husband. They might be living apart right now, but neither of them were quite ready to broach the subject of divorce. They hadn’t reached that point yet. It was something she didn’t even want to think about.

  “No, he’s flying out later.”

  Quinn looked at Harry, a feeling akin to being punched in the gut knocking her slightly off balance. “Why?”

  Harry shot her a look right back. “He’s got a couple of interviews to tie up here in L.A. first, so he’s flying to New York later tonight. It’s not a problem, Quinn. He’ll be there in plenty of time to join you guys.”

  “I didn’t say it was a problem. I just thought he was coming with us.”

  “Well, now you know. He’s got interviews, just like you have three to do on the flight over to New York, and another one in the hotel later.”

  “On my own?”

  “You need your hand holding?”

  “No… What’s wrong with you?”

  “You’ll have Lukas with you. Then both of you will hook up with Aaron tomorrow for a press call, a photo shoot, TV… You know the dri
ll. Ten minutes and we’re boarding.”

  Quinn watched as Harry walked over to the gaggle of press and studio representatives who were joining them on this leg of the press tour.

  “He OK?”

  She turned back to face Lukas. “He never did make a secret of the fact he never wanted you back in my life. He’s just trying to prove a point.”

  “He’d rather I just disappeared, huh?”

  She looked at him. “I think you know the answer to that one.”

  “And what about you?”

  “I don’t want you to disappear.”

  “You don’t?”

  “No.”

  “But you want your husband back.”

  “More than I want breath in my body.”

  Lukas leaned back against the window beside her. “I thought there might have been a chance…”

  She pulled herself away from the window and started to walk away.

  “Quinn…”

  “I need to get my things. Like Harry said, we’re boarding soon.”

  “I’m sorry, I never meant… I never meant to go there. I’m sorry.”

  She swung around to face him, the disappointment she felt at Aaron not being here hitting her way harder than she could’ve imagined. “Don’t make this any more difficult than it has to be, Lukas.”

  “I still care about you, Quinn. I still love you, that’s never going to change.”

  “I know.” She picked up her purse and started to walk toward the door, but he gently took hold of her wrist, swinging her back around to face him. “What, Lukas?”

  He just looked at her, his eyes burning into hers but she wasn’t in the mood for his games, not now. Not today. “Nothing, I just… Nothing.” He let go of her arm but their gaze remained locked. “I’m sorry.”

  “All eyes are going to be on us, Lukas. All of us. All of the time. Remember that.”

  All three of them were about to be thrown back together again, and the media were ready and waiting to watch that happen. Ready and waiting to see what the outcome was going to be. They were ready. Quinn wasn’t all that sure that she was.