Breathe Into Me

by Michelle Betham

  She squeezed his hand, a signal that she wanted him to stop talking, she didn’t want to go there again. It was too hard, too painful.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I know,” she whispered, bringing his hand to her lips, kissing his fingers. “I know. And I’m sorry, too.”

  “I was stupid, to go down this route. But I’m going to get the help I need to keep me straight this time, it won’t happen again, I promise you, Quinn. This – it was a wake-up call.”

  “I can’t be responsible for every setback you have, Lukas. I can’t be the one who sends you back to this place, I can’t be that person, and sometimes I feel like I am, that person…”

  “You’re not.” He shook his head, his fingers tightening around hers. “This is just my weak, pathetic way of dealing with things I’ve refused to face up to. And when I’ve been forced to face up to them…” He dropped his gaze, his eyes focusing on their joined hands. “You really do love him, huh?”

  “I’m going to marry him again, Lukas. That’s going to happen, and this time I won’t break a single one of those vows I make.”

  He raised his head, his eyes locking with hers. “You were never coming back to me. I should’ve seen that. And I should have let you go.”

  She said nothing, she just kept hold of his hand, letting all the memories, all those years she’d loved him to the point of obsession; she let them all flood her head in a kind of cruel but necessary cathartic act as she curled up beside him, holding him close, one final time.

  “He gave me back my life, Lukas. He made me want to live again. You need someone to make you feel that way, too.”

  “Maybe I’m just destined to be alone, huh?”

  She shook her head, angling her body slightly so she could look at him. “No. There’s someone out there, I know there is.”

  “I found her a long time ago. And I already lost her.”

  “Lukas…”

  “I know.” He threw his head back and sighed, and Quinn could clearly see the weariness on his face. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just tired, that’s why the self-pity’s pouring out of me.”

  She kissed his cheek and got up off the bed. “You need to get some rest. You’ve been very lucky tonight. Very lucky. But don’t put me – don’t put yourself through this shit again, OK?”

  “Quinn…”

  “Don’t say it, Lukas. Please, don’t say it…”

  “Be happy, that’s all I was going to say. Just, be happy.”

  She smiled, but inside her heart was still breaking. “Yeah. You too, Lukas. You too.”

  ***

  He watched her leave the room, and as the door shut behind her he lay back against the pillows and closed his eyes. She thought he was lucky. He wasn’t so sure. But he knew that tonight, it really had been a wake-up call; a sign that, OK, he’d been weak and selfish and blinkered, to some extent. And yeah, somewhere deep inside maybe he had tried to control her again, try and make her come back to him by whatever means possible, but this – this really had been an accident. He hadn’t meant to kill himself, he’d been telling the truth when he’d told her he’d just needed something to take the edge off. He’d just taken a little more than he should’ve done, because once that edge had gone, he’d been fucking flying! But now the painful reality was here, and he had to face up to it all.

  He’d come this close to fucking up his life a second time tonight, and he’d been lucky that it was Carter Conway who’d found him, the one man who could ‘fix’ these problems before they got out of hand. And, yeah, they’d been keeping that man just a bit too busy these past few months. But Lukas, he really had been lucky, that he’d been found by someone whose job it was to keep these kind of incidents under control, and he knew that whatever story they spun regarding tonight’s events, he’d be OK. He’d get through this. He wasn’t going to let anyone think he’d almost pissed away this second chance he’d been given because he wasn’t big enough to deal with his past.

  He loved Quinn Baxter. He always had, even during those times when she assumed he couldn’t possibly have loved her, he had. Loved her. He’d just lost himself somewhere along the way, and by the time he’d realized that, it had been too late. And now he really did have to deal with the consequences of actions he’d undertaken all those years ago.

  Lukas Drake had a life to live, without Quinn Baxter. And this time – this time he was going to live it.

  ***

  “Everything OK?” Harry asked as Quinn closed the door behind her.

  “Everything’s fine. He’s just tired.”

  “Understandable. Did he mean to do it?”

  “Do what?” Quinn sighed, sliding an arm around Aaron’s waist as she leaned into him.

  “Kill himself.”

  She shook her head. “No. He just had one stupid moment of weakness…”

  “Just the one?” Harry asked, raising an eyebrow, and Quinn threw him a look.

  “Cut him some slack, Harry, all right? He made a mistake, and he’s paying for it.”

  “We’re all paying for it, Quinn.”

  She looked up at Aaron, and he squeezed her shoulders, kissing her forehead. “Did he say why? What made him do it?”

  “I think you know why, Aaron. Look at the day he chose to do this.”

  “He told you that?”

  She nodded, and Aaron sighed, pulling her closer. “Jesus, Quinn, we can’t be to blame for him doing this to himself.”

  “I know. I told him that. He understands. This time, he understands.”

  “Well, let’s hope so,” Harry sighed, checking his phone. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

  “What’s happening back at home, Harry?”

  “It’s sorted, Quinn. The story is that Lukas fell ill with a mild heart complaint, which is why he needs to spend a few days in an undisclosed hospital and won’t be doing any promo until he’s feeling better. I can’t guarantee that there won’t be one or two articles over the next few days that might dispute that, and maybe sail a little closer to the truth, I don’t know. But between Carter, Lukas’ management, and the studio they’ll make sure that Lukas rests up here for a day or two, and then continues to get the help he needs. Of course, it means that you guys are gonna have to pick up the slack, maybe separate for a couple of interviews, the promo wagon still has to keep on rolling, regardless.”

  “What about the vow renewal?”

  “That’s getting rescheduled. It’s all in hand, Quinn, you just need to remember the story where Lukas is concerned, because they are gonna ask you about him. About tonight.”

  “Can I mention that I’ve seen him?”

  Harry nodded, desperate to get out of here now. He was exhausted, and the idea of bed and a half bottle of brandy was the only thing he could think about right now. “You can both mention you were here, just don’t say where ‘here’ is. No specifics, OK?”

  Quinn slipped her hand into Aaron’s and nodded. “OK.”

  “He’s in the right place now. He’ll be looked after. He’s not your concern anymore, Quinn. He hasn’t been your concern for a long time.”

  “I still care about what happens to him, Harry.”

  “I know you do, kiddo. But it’s time to concentrate on you and Aaron now. All right?”

  She looked up at Aaron again. Her beautiful man. Her guardian angel. Her husband. The man she loved. And she couldn’t afford to put that – to put them in jeopardy again.

  “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

  Lukas would be OK. He’d have to be. Because she couldn’t be there to hold his hand, not anymore. Lukas Drake was her past. Lukas Drake was her addiction. Lukas Drake would always be there, whether she liked it or not…

  Thirty

  The afternoon sun beat down on Quinn’s back as Aaron slipped the diamond studded white-gold eternity band onto her left ring finger, kissing her slowly as behind them an invited crowd of press, paparazzi and a handful of fellow A-list celebrities cheered and clapped.
They’d done it. They’d finally renewed their vows, even though the need to do that in front of the world hadn’t been quite so necessary recently.

  It was accepted now, that Quinn and Aaron were back to being that strong, solid Hollywood couple they’d once been, before Lukas Drake had come back into Quinn’s life and complicated everything. Their love wasn’t pretend, it wasn’t forced or faked, it was real. And people got that now. Lukas got that, now. He didn’t need that message sending anymore. And all those rumors concerning him and Quinn, they were slowly being snubbed out; forgotten. So the need to ‘marry’ again in the glare of this much publicity, it hadn’t really been necessary. It was just that, well, it was what Aaron and Quinn wanted, this time. It was their decision to do it this way; to have the ceremony just hours before they were due to hit the red carpet for the world premiere of Hide & Seek, the movie that had caused so much damage. The movie none of them should have made, together. The movie that was going to make an eye watering amount at the box office, because of the damage it had caused, and the very public way in which it had all played out.

  “We good?” Aaron smiled, and Quinn nodded, taking his hand.

  “Oh, we’re good, handsome.”

  She returned his smile and took his hand and together they ran up the short, make-shift aisle set up on the secluded terrace of their Beverly Hills home, press and paparazzi cameras clicking away as they headed toward the house to get changed for the premiere taking place in L.A. in less than three hours.

  “We did it, huh?” Aaron breathed as they reached the top of the stairs.

  They had a few minutes of peace ahead of them, before the hair and make-up teams arrived; before their stylists took over and they began that transformation from bride and groom back into that movie-star power couple they were.

  “Yeah. We did it.”

  He rested his forehead against hers, both of them taking a second to get their breath back. “I love you, Quinn.”

  “I love you, too, baby. I always have, I never stopped, even when…”

  He put a finger to her lips, shaking his head. “Ssh. We’re not going there, OK? It’s over. All that crap, it’s done.”

  She stood up on tiptoe and kissed him, her fingers sliding up into his hair, his body pressed hard against hers. “Take me, right here, Mr. Rogers.”

  “Right here?” He raised an eyebrow. “What if someone sees us, huh? I mean, we’re not exactly alone right now, are we?”

  She shrugged. “Then they see us. It’s not like we’re doing anything wrong, is it? I mean, we have just got married. Again.” She smiled, and his face broke into a grin.

  “Yeah. I always knew there was a reason why I loved you so much.”

  Quinn bit down on her lip as his hand slid up under her dress, closing her eyes as he touched her. She wasn’t wearing any panties, come on, she’d planned this, she wanted this, before they faced the world again.

  “And there’s another reason,” Aaron murmured, and Quinn laughed. And her whole world was spinning again as he pushed inside her, his fingers digging into her thighs as he held her steady, and all she wanted was him; this. It was all she wanted. And she wasn’t going to lose it again.

  ***

  Lukas fastened his tie and slipped on his jacket, staring at his reflection in the full length mirror. He looked good, better than he had done in a long time thanks to regular sessions with a personal trainer, a new diet, and help that he knew now he’d still badly needed.

  “Don’t you look handsome!”

  He turned around and smiled at Dawn. His beautiful ex-wife. The divorce had come through pretty quickly, with no problems, thanks to this very understanding woman in front of him. She’d been there for him again, just as she had been before, right by his side. But this time he wasn’t taking advantage of her kindness. She knew now that friendship was all he was ever going to be able to give her, and not because he was still fixated with Quinn. He was learning to deal with that, but at the same time, he just wasn’t ready for anything else. Not yet. Maybe not ever, he had a long journey ahead of him. And Dawn understood that, this time. This time things were calmer, clearer. Less complicated.

  “And you look stunning.” He leaned in to her and gently kissed her cheek. “I’m a lucky man, to have you on my arm tonight.”

  “I’m honored to be accompanying the man who’s already being tipped for an Academy Award for his directorial debut.”

  “That’s just talk, Dawn. A lot of names are being thrown around right now.”

  “And you’re one of them. Be proud of what you’ve achieved, Lukas.”

  “Of what I almost lost.”

  “But you didn’t, OK?”

  “Only because there were people making sure the truth never got out. Or if it did, it was strenuously denied.”

  “You’ve made an incredible movie, Lukas. You did that. And you’ve read what the early reviews are saying. This is going to be big, for you.”

  “For everyone. I guess when fiction mirrors reality it really pays off, huh?”

  Dawn brushed down his jacket collar and held him at arm’s length as she looked him up and down. “You are going to turn so many heads tonight.”

  “Not as many as Quinn and Aaron. It’s their second wedding day, remember?”

  “Anything for publicity, huh?” But she’d had her tongue in her cheek when she’d said that, and Lukas couldn’t help but smile.

  “Their performances in that movie are incredible, Dawn. You’ll see that, tonight. They were incredible. Because we were all living that shit for real, all of us, right there in front of the cameras. We just couldn’t see that, in the beginning. But we were living it, for real. It’s just that, the real-life ending’s a little different to the fictional one, that’s all.”

  “The ending you wanted?”

  Lukas turned his head slightly, staying silent for a beat or two before he turned back to face Dawn. “Maybe not. But it’s an ending I can live with. I have to.”

  Dawn took his hand and squeezed it gently. “OK. The car’s going to be here any minute so, I’d better go make sure we’ve got everything. You ready for this?”

  “I’m ready.”

  And this time Lukas believed he really was. He was ready.

  ***

  Harry stood to one side, watching as car after car pulled up, all of them filled with famous faces arriving for this premiere of a movie the world was clamoring to see. They couldn’t wait to watch something that had, in reality, become one very dangerous love triangle being played out on the big screen, for real. Apart from the ending. On screen it was Lukas who got the girl, and Harry could only breathe a sigh of relief that reality had worked out very differently. In real life the ending was the happy version Harry had wanted for Quinn. The only version he’d been willing to accept.

  He’d taken an earlier car here to Hollywood, but Quinn and Aaron were on their way. And the waiting press line was almost frantic with anticipation to get their first glimpse of the couple who’d lived through so much during the filming of this movie. Harry could feel the excited tension filling the air, and yet, he felt nothing but relaxed. This was what Quinn Baxter did best. This was her world, not one she’d been born into, but one she belonged in. She could court a press line like the professional she was, and that’s why they all loved her. But when she was doing it holding the hand of one of Hollywood’s most famous actors – her husband; her co-star, her real life leading man – that’s when they just went fucking wild.

  Another car pulled up and Harry glanced over to see who was arriving now, and he couldn’t stop his face breaking into the widest of smiles as he watched Aaron step out first, holding out his hand for Quinn to take as she stepped out after him, both of them immediately flanked by people wearing headsets and carrying tablets. And Harry continued to watch as they were guided toward that waiting press line, Aaron gently squeezing Quinn’s hand as they walked the red carpet, pulling her closer to him in an almost protective manner, and as sh
e slipped an arm around his waist and looked up at him, he kissed her, and all Harry could hear now was the sound of their names being called, camera shutters clicking away, the noise level was ridiculous! Quinn and Aaron were playing the glamorous couple they were in the only way they knew how – the best way. The right way. They were being themselves. They were showing the world who they really were, how they really felt about each other. They were selling this fucking movie in a way nobody else could, and they didn’t even know they were doing it. And as the arrival of Lukas Drake distracted the press line for just the briefest of seconds, Harry watched as the man who’d walked back into Quinn’s life, and almost destroyed it again; Harry watched as he joined them on the red carpet, and the cameras went even wilder, the noise level rising even further as the chance to capture all three of this movie’s stars together became too much of an opportunity to miss.

  This was Hollywood. A world full of glamorous people; a town made up of dreams and make-believe, but it wasn’t perfect. Shit still happened here. And that reality could sometimes be far, far more gut wrenching than any movie script. Worlds got turned upside down, they got damaged; broken. People got hurt, lives got torn apart. It’s what kept this place going, the scandals and the dirt and the shit that could destroy those worlds; those people. But sometimes those people, and those worlds – they weren’t always beyond repair. Sometimes people fought until the shit was forgotten and everything just fell back into place. Sometimes people got lucky like that. Sometimes…

  The End…

  About The Author

  Michelle Betham is an ex-media technician turned author of hot, edgy, gritty romance, usually involving rock stars, sports stars, hot businessmen, and bikers. But not usually all in the same book. Yet. She is both self-published and published through HarperImpulse, a division of HarperCollins Publishers.

  Addicted to binge-watching TV dramas she struggles to think of a life before Netflix or Amazon Prime, loves rock music, tattoos, spicy food, superheroes (and that includes a particularly unhealthy obsession with Iron Man), and Keanu Reeves – a crush that's lasted well over twenty years, and one she blames entirely on 'Point Break'. The original. She refuses to acknowledge any remake exists…