Tyson shifted closer to the table, his eyes as dark as storm clouds. “Did you call the cops?”
“That was the least of my concerns at the time. I knew someone had been there. My door was wide open and…” She took a deep breath, her voice seizing. “And … I could … I could feel them … on me. In me. And then… They marked me.”
Kat’s head snapped up, her eyes lit with stark fear. If her friend said anything she’d lose her nerve to finish and she still had more to say, so she quickly continued.
“My only thought was to get clean. I didn’t even think about … about going to the hospital until it was too late. The day after your wedding I finally saw Dr. Bishop and had some lab work done. Luckily, all my results came back negative. They took a sample of my hair, as well, and found Rohypnol in my system, which explains why I can’t remember anything.”
“Jesus,” Tyson hissed.
“In the meantime, Jeremy put a new lock on my door, but I only told him I was robbed. The funny thing is they only took what was in my wallet. They didn’t touch anything else. It was like … like they wanted a souvenir.”
“Oh, Jade,” Kat breathed, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
“I’m not finished.” Jade took a shaky breath. “I thought… I thought if I was alive and I replaced all my credit cards, I could get over it like it never happened. I even spent time with Jeremy. I felt safer with him and memories of the … attack faded when he was nearby, but my awareness of what happened never disappeared and it turns out I’m much more fucked up than I ever imagined possible. Aside from the mark on my shoulder, there’s no real proof of it, certainly not in my memory at least. But my thinking is totally damaged. I’m not right. I don’t know if I’ll ever be right again.”
“Oh, Jade…” Twin tears fell down Kat’s cheeks.
“What mark?” Tyson’s scowl pressed deep crevasses into his face.
Jade pulled her collar aside and he cursed.
“Is that a fucking burn?”
“You don’t remember anything?” Kat overrode Tyson’s question.
“I can’t remember one single detail after Jeremy left and, believe me, I tried. I thought I could beat it, but I was wrong. Last time I was at work, Lily ran some more tests. All my blood work came back good, but she noticed something else. It turns out … I…”
Jade couldn’t get the words out. Trembling, tears ran unchecked down her face.
Kat took her hands in hers and squeezed. “Honey, whatever it is, we’re here for you.”
Letting the last of her boundaries fall, she whispered, “I’m … pregnant.”
Stunned, her friend’s confidence visibly faltered. She pulled her into a fierce hug as they wept together.
“What am I going to do?” Jade whimpered.
Kat smoothed her hand over her hair and whispered, “It hasn’t even been two weeks. Maybe it was a false positive.”
“No, I saw my lab work. It’s early, but I’m definitely pregnant.”
“You don’t have to keep it,” Tyson said softly. “You have a choice in this, Jade.”
“I have so much going through my head right now. I don’t even know how I feel about that option.” She wiped her eyes with the heel of her palm. The soft skin surrounding her lashes was chafed from crying so much.
“Did your doctor talk to you about your options?” Kat asked.
“She may have. I was in shock. I can’t really remember what she said past me being pregnant. After that, I came here and went to bed. I’ve been sleeping for days.”
“You haven’t been out of bed since you found out? You should’ve called me.”
“And what, ruin your honeymoon? No, this is my problem.”
“That’s bullshit.” Kat swearing meant she was seriously upset. “We’re your closest friends. We’ll do whatever you need us to do. For starters, you can stay here as long as you need. Right, Ty?”
“Right. Did you tell Jeremy any of this?”
“No.” The horrible empty feeling in her chest exploded as the last words he said to her echoed through her mind.
“Is it…” Tyson hesitated. “Is it possible the baby could be his?”
“No. We never slept together. Besides, Jeremy has nothing to do with this. After I came here we had a huge fight and broke up. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care about my problems or me anymore. He made that quite clear before he left.”
Kat sighed. “I’m sure that’s not true. Why don’t you give Tyson your keys so he can pick up some of your things before he gets Mia? You can wear my clothes, but I’m sure you want your own. In the meantime, you have to try to eat something.”
After forcing down a cup of broth and some crackers, Jade headed back upstairs. Kat insisted she use their room until she made up the guest room. As she walked the steps she paused and listened as Kat and Ty discreetly whispered.
“Jesus Christ,” Tyson hissed. “The fucker drugged her, raped her, robbed her, and then felt the need to brand her? What kind of twisted fuck does that? Kat, you have to convince her to go to the police and talk her into getting an abortion.”
“I am not going to press her, Tyson. About anything. It’s her body and that baby is as much hers as it is the father’s. Yes, how it got there is despicable and ugly, but I’m not going to try to convince her to do anything that’ll add to the weight on her shoulders, including going to the police. Do you know how unlikely it is they’ll ever find this guy? It’ll just upset her more and she already looks like she’s a tear away from a total breakdown. When she’s ready, she’ll go. But, right now, I’m not going to tell her what to do.”
“She knows nothing about the father except the fact that he’s a criminal and a predator.”
“I don’t care,” Kat snapped. “When I was pregnant with Mia, Jade was the only person who respected my right to make up my own mind in the time frame I needed to decide. She deserves the same, and I, for one, will not take that away from her. Besides, she’s been through enough. Ending a pregnancy is not a simple solution. It’s complicated and extremely emotional. I’m not sure she could bear such consequences after everything else she’s been through. I’ve never seen her like this before.”
Tyson sighed and Jade couldn’t listen to any more. She needed silence. Silence from their opinions. Silence from her thoughts. The only way to find that sort of quiet was through sleep. She trudged quietly up the stairs.
Chapter Seventeen
Jade turned the channel as a diaper commercial came on. A few minutes later she changed it again as a Gerber commercial played.
Have there always been so many baby commercials?
She needed to distract herself with television while Kat was on the phone—asking all the questions Jade was too afraid to ask her OBGYN.
When she returned to the living room with a pad of paper in hand, she sat on the ottoman across from Jade and muted the TV. “Okay, here are your options.” She flipped back a page in her notebook.
That was Kat. She could divide and conquer the world, so long as she had a list to keep her organized.
“There’s a Clinic about an hour from Parkside that performs … that can make this all go away. You don’t have to make up your mind right now. You have about five weeks, longer even, but the longer you wait, the more involved the procedure becomes. I’m not suggesting you do that. I just want you to have all the facts. Whatever you choose, I’ll support you.”
“Did you ask Lily what it involves?” She wasn’t leaning one way or another, but being informed about every option seemed wise.
“From what I understand, it’s a fairly quick procedure and you can either be awake or asleep. The recovery’s about two weeks and afterward, there’s mild bleeding and cramping. Three weeks after the procedure there’s a post-procedure check-up. It isn’t uncommon to experience intense depression. Dr. Bishop gave me a list of counselors she recommends if you choose to do this, and one she thinks you should make an appointment with simply because of the trauma
you’ve already suffered.”
Kat paused, her eyes measuring Jade’s expression. She couldn’t guess what her friend saw because on the inside Jade was dead. “Go on.”
Sighing, Kat flipped to the next page of her list. “Another option’s adoption. There are basically three different types. You could go through Social Services, but the baby may have to live in foster care for a time and may never get placed with a permanent family. However, you’d reserve the right to change your mind for an extended period of time.”
“What else?”
“You could go through a placement facility, like Christian Services, but they have final say in the family. The third is private adoption, where you use an attorney and select the family yourself. That option gives you the most control, but all options come at a cost. The placement service is pricey unless the chosen family picks up the expense, but we’ll help you if that’s what you want.” Kat took a deep breath. “Do you have any idea what you’re leaning toward?”
“You and Mia,” Jade softly whispered. “You two managed to make it with nothing more than your promise to love and protect her. This baby … it didn’t ask for this any more than I did.”
“No, it didn’t.”
“Who am I, Kat? I’m twenty-three years old, a nurse, I have an apartment, a car, over fifteen thousand dollars in the bank, the start of a decent pension, and I’m not in any sort of serious relationship. I have to cope with this no matter what I choose—that’s become painfully clear. There’s no easy way out. And ending the pregnancy might be the one thing that destroys me once and for all.”
Reaching for a tissue, Kat blew her nose. “I’m so sorry we can’t make this easier for you.”
Jade blinked, a strange sense of numbness blanketing her. “I’ll probably never be the same person again, regardless of what I choose. Maybe this baby is the one innocent thing in this whole ugly mess. Who am I to decide whether it lives or dies?”
Kat blinked, her damp lashes flickering, and affectionately squeezed her knee. “You’re the definition of strength, Jade. Whatever you choose, I know you’ll come through this one way or another. Think about it a little longer and when you’re sure, we’ll be there for you. No judgment, just love.”
“Thank you.”
The front door opened and Kat stood as Tyson came into the living room, Mia running in after him. “Momma!”
Kat held out her arms and, as if she had wings, Mia flew into her embrace as she squealed with laughter. “Hey, princess. I missed you.”
“I missed you more!”
Jade listened as Mia detailed her week at her grandparents’ and asked what souvenirs they’d brought her. As Kat went to the kitchen to retrieve a bag of foreign treasures for her daughter, Mia gave Jade a hug she desperately needed and then climbed onto Tyson’s lap and kissed his dark, bald head.
When Kat returned, she, Mia, and Tyson sat together opening gifts on the floor. The family moment unfolded with perfect chaos. Like a voyeur, she took vicarious pleasure in their joy, coveting the magic within their intimate family that outsiders didn’t often see.
Tyson tickled Mia and she giggled, her musical laughter a balm to Jade’s battered soul. “Tyson, can I call you Daddy now that you’re married to Momma?”
“You can call me whatever you want, princess.”
Mia smiled, gripping both his dark cheeks and pressing her brow to his. “Okay, Daddy.”
In that moment all the puzzle pieces seemed to slide into perfect order. Here was Tyson, in love with not just Kat, but her daughter as well, making what seemed the perfect family. Yes, Mia’s father was in their lives, but a year ago he wasn’t and Kat still managed to find her happily ever after. Maybe there was a happily ever after for everyone, no matter what circumstances needed to be crossed to get there.
Her hand slowly slid to her abdomen, pressing ever so slightly as a sense of warmth enveloped her. That was her baby in there, no one else’s. Years from now, no one would question her. She could just be another single mom. A strong mom. And, like Kat, she wanted to love and protect her baby better than anyone else ever could.
Kat’s gaze connected with hers and she stilled. Jade slowly nodded and her friend smiled. Knowing she had her support solidified Jade’s decision. She wasn’t just pregnant. She was going to have a baby. Making that decision, feeling that she actually had a choice, was the most in control emotion she’d had in days.
Chapter Eighteen
Over the next eight weeks, Jade came to terms with her situation as much as one could expect. She’d notified her landlord that she would be moving and temporarily moved into Kat and Tyson’s home while Tyson painted the cottage down the street. Kat’s old rental property was the perfect location. It was in a good school district, the landlord was an old friend, there was a great babysitter in the neighborhood, and it was only two houses away from her best friend. It was the safest place she could go.
Jade took Lily’s referral and was slowly working through her issues with Dr. Chloe Wolfe, a family therapist who specialized in posttraumatic stress. Dr. Wolfe was a godsend with a natural gift for listening.
Jade expected the therapist to do exercises to help jog her memory, but Dr. Wolfe wasn’t interested in that. She was more concerned with helping Jade cope with the after-effects of the assault. The frustrating fragments of her memories would always be there. Sometimes they hit her with sharp, shocking force and other times they rested quietly in the background.
Dr. Wolfe was training her to prepare for the days ahead. And Jade found herself anxious to stop dwelling on the past.
Therapy helped Jade emotionally prepare for the many ways her life would change once the baby arrived. As a small baby bump took shape, her concern turned to her parents. Dr. Wolfe was also helping her find the courage to finally tell them she was pregnant.
They spoke a lot about anxiety, from that night, in regard to her parents, the inevitable approach of becoming a parent, but most of all they talked about Jeremy. The heartache she still felt from pushing him away never seemed to fade.
Living at Kat’s created some awkward moments when Jeremy came to pick up or drop off Mia. The first time he stopped by, Jade hid in the shadows at the top of the stairs and listened—hoping he’d somehow come to forgive her for all the things he didn’t understand.
“Is she here?” he asked Kat.
“Yes, but she’s resting.”
“What’s going on with her, Kat? I’m worried.”
“It’s not my place to say, Jeremy. I’m sorry.”
“Is she okay?” His voice cracked. “None of this makes any sense.”
“She’ll be okay. She just needs time.”
“I just… I just don’t understand what happened. She didn’t even give us a chance.”
“Maybe she gave you all she could right now.”
“Why, though? Why start something she had no intention of finishing? I need to speak to her.”
Jade drew back and Kat hardened her tone. “Jeremy—”
“Is she up there?” The shuffling of his shoes whispered in the foyer. “Jade?” The echo of his voice set another crack in her heart.
“Jeremy.” Kat repeated his name in her stern mother voice.
“I just want to know that she’s okay. The things I said to her…”
Jade’s hand covered her mouth as her chest ached. She wanted to go to him, but nothing had changed. She couldn’t be with him and the idea of telling him everything that happened destroyed something inside of her. She didn’t have confidence to spare right now and baring her soul to him might steal the last scrap of her delicate self-worth.
“She’s okay, but you can’t push her, Jeremy.”
“I need to hear it from her. She won’t even take my calls.”
“I’m sorry, but this is how it has to be right now. You have to respect her privacy.”
For as traumatic as her situation was, she was managing it—every day, every hour, it was baggage she never put down
. The only thing she couldn’t bear was the pain of losing Jeremy. It was an ache that consumed her heart and wouldn’t heal.
The only distraction, aside from going to work, was the rapidly developing affection for the one person who would soon be her everything. Her child.
Her life had been overhauled by this pregnancy and she welcomed the simplicity of her new routine. Sometimes stillness was good, Dr. Wolfe had come to teach her. Jade embraced the still moments between work and the daily grind. And she seemed to be evolving on some fundamental level she didn’t know she possessed.
Her job—now day shifts—had always been a satisfying part of her life, but it was no longer enough to fill the void of all the missing pieces. It was a great distraction, a place to build confidence and serve a purpose that helped others. But no one at work, aside from Lily, knew the battle she fought silently on a daily basis. Everything was changing.
She developed a serious aversion to poultry, had an unhealthy relationship with peanut butter, and found a new level of bliss in napping. Whenever there was a chance to sleep, Jade took it. Every night around eight-thirty, she took her prenatal vitamins, chugged a glass of milk, and headed to bed. It was perfectly acceptable because Mia was keeping the same schedule.
As she sat outside in the cooling autumn weather, enjoying the subdued sunlight while waiting for Kat to finish in the shower, Jade thought about Jeremy. Her mind always went back to him.
It was an indulgence she rarely allowed herself. She missed seeing his smile, missed his humor, his kisses, his strength, and his friendship. She missed him.
His calls came less and less often as the weeks passed, which was for the best. Along with the heartache of losing Jeremy, came the guilt for hurting him. Sooner or later he’d meet someone new and forget all about her—a gutting hypothetical that would eventually be reality.
But today was not the day to dwell on heartache. In a few hours, she was going to her first official OB appointment with Lily. She was going to hear her baby’s heartbeat for the first time.
If I Fall Page 10