“Patrick was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder by his late teens. For the first couple of years we all learned how to cope, how to help him, and us. It’s a hard thing to get used to, especially when the person suffering from the disease is one of the people you love the most.”
I heave heavily, having Patrick handsome face before my closed eyes. I flutter my eyes open into attentive green ones. “The worst times for me to deal with were feeling Patrick’s pain when the mood swings ended, and he was mortified, ashamed, and truly repentant regarding what happened. Time after time it broke my heart.”
Reeves cups my cheek, giving me his empathy, care and utter attention with one single look.
“He was usually very responsible with practicing the treatment, he took medications when needed, never missed his weekly therapy sessions. With our support and his dedication, his illness was, to a degree, controlled. That is until it wasn’t…”
The lump forming in my throat silences my voice. My eyes gloss over as I recall images from the events and finally the night that started a rollercoaster big enough to have my brother take his own life at the age of twenty-five.
Reeves’ expression fills with pain as he watches me shudder and for new tears to leave my eyes. I press my cheek to his chest and shut my eyes forcefully.
“He was going through a stressful period—midterms, our grandma passing away, his girlfriend leaving him—his mood swings had increased drastically. He was mostly down.” I take another needed breath. “He went out with his friends one night, which I encouraged. I thought it would do him good, that he needed a break. He ended up drinking too much. When he returned home, I was alone in the house. Later we were told that perhaps it was the alcohol that triggered it, whatever the cause was, the mania was that strong that night, strong enough to turn him violent.
I heard things crashing to the floor, sounds of glass breaking, and went down to the kitchen to check what was going on. Patrick didn’t even notice me at first. He was smashing dishes, his eyes full of rage.” As I say the next words Reeves’ arms wrap around even tighter. “When I tried to talk to him, calm him down, he attacked me. I knew he wasn’t controlling any of the violence he directed at me, I was both scared for me and him.” A sharp exhale leaves Reeves lips with my name in it.
“I came out of that night with shiners, split lips, and a broken rib. Patrick came out of that night mortified and ashamed. A few days after, my parents called me for a “family talk.” We sat around the kitchen table over apple pie and milk when they told me they came to a conclusion together with Patrick that it would be best if he was admitted to an open ward facility where he’d be treated and have time to rest.
I resented the idea. I hated it, thinking he was going away from his own home because of me, because he’d hit me. Patrick reassured me it was his idea and that my parents said they would support him. He was there for less than two weeks before they found him hanged in the shower. He left a letter, addressed to me.”
I cry so hard into Reeves’ chest and he lets me, comforting me in his warm hold.
“He wrote that he loved me and that he was sorry for ever hurting me. I didn’t want his apology. I didn’t care for an apology. I wanted him back.”
I tremble under Reeves. He kisses my head and gently pulls me deeper into him. After moments of hugging me in silence, when I start to shiver, Reeves leaves the bed only to come back with a sweatshirt which he helps pull over me. He then gets back into bed, settling with his legs straight. Leaning on the headboard, he sits me astride him. He takes my hand in his, and threads his fingers into mine.
“I feel so guilty,” I say.
He pulls me closer to him, he dips his head to kiss me. “I know,” he says. “It’s the hardest thing. That’s how I feel about Ben’s accident. I feel like I could have prevented it.”
I blink at him.
“Go on…” He coaxes softly.
“I feel guilty and I’m so mad at my parents for going through with it. I can’t let go of my anger toward them. And, I can’t tolerate violence—it scares me, repulses me—it’s the reason my brother is dead.” I look Reeves straight in the eyes. He nods, confirming he understands the gravity of my words. “You can never again act like you’ve acted tonight.”
Reeves’ hands move to frame my face, “I will not. I promise you, Nia.” He brushes his lips to mine. “It’s not an excuse, but seeing fear in your eyes, having that guy grab you like he did, hit me so hard.” He pulls me closer to him and our breaths mix. “Now listen to me, I’m done. Nia. We are done.”
My brows sink together.
“We are done playing this game we’ve been playing for far too long. I got jealous tonight, you know why?”
I tilt my head, and he hovers closer.
“Because I want you, like I’ve never wanted anyone before. You make me happy. I don’t want you seeing anyone else. I want you to be mine.”
“What are you saying?” My words funnel between us in a soft whisper, followed by my racing heart.
“I’m saying I want you to be mine, and so much more. I’m saying I need you and want you.”
“Are you sure? We are like two grenades waiting to explode…” I say shakily, because I want him, I want him so badly I can hardly breathe. But I’m afraid it’s what I’ve just told him that makes him take pity on me and give me what I want.
“Don’t two negatives make a positive?” He gives me a sweet side smile. I can’t help for my lips not to curve up.
“Are you willing to deal with all my baggage? You have enough of your own to take me with mine.”
He nods. “Our scars and wounds are a great part of who we are. And who you are is so amazingly beautiful. I’ve been fighting myself, for the life of me I don’t know why, not to tell you this. I want you so fiercely it’s almost unreal. Without the baggage you bring with you, you wouldn’t have been the you I’m totally crazy about.”
I bite my lip, fighting happy tears this time. “Maybe sometimes we need to be completely shaken up, maybe even tore apart and suffer so we’ll be able to be at the place we’re meant to be, with the one we’ve meant to be. I guess everything, sick and painful as it may be at times, does have a purpose. I know I’ve found my purpose, I can’t imagine me without you. I don’t ever want to imagine that.” His lips hover next to mine. “Are you with me?”
Okay, here goes. Although this is something I’m not so inclined to bring up, especially at this moment, but I got to.
“I’ve asked you this already and I’m going to ask it again before telling you what I’m about to tell you.” I push out a tense sigh. “Are you sure there’s nothing going on between you and Katie?”
“Why are you bringing this up now?”
“Because that’s what she told me.”
“Hold up, what? When?”
“After dinner. She told me you two apparently have this grand plan to be together, that you love each other and always did.” Anger seeps to Reeves’ expression.
“I love Katie. Like. A. Sister. We don’t have any grand plan and we sure are never going to be together. Nia, I’m telling you I want you. Only you! So, I’m asking, are you with me in this?”
It’s a whisper that leaves my lips next, a whisper into his mouth, but we both still hear it clearly, together with the arsenal of emotions it carries.
“I love you, Reeves.”
When he kisses me next, it’s a kiss so tender, so warm, so emotionally saturated. With his touch he gives my words back to me. We kiss for hours, just kiss, long and profoundly. Our hands caress each other as if it was for the first time. We love each other through our touches till I’m too exhausted to keep my eyes open.
Reeves doesn’t sleep this night and I know it because each time I turn through my sleep and open my eyes to him, he is watching me. The next time when I blink my eyes into his, the room is enfolded in soft, pre-dawn light. Reeves stretches his arm for me to nestle on his chest.
Half a sleep I say, “I’m tir
ed, I’m so tired of always being torn, every smile that I smile feels like a betrayal. Each time I laugh I feel like I shouldn’t. How can I laugh and enjoy life when I took the ability to do so from someone else, from someone I loved so much?”
“I’ll make you smile, Nia. No matter what it’ll take of me, I’ll make you happy. I’ll even find you your happy date.”
I lift my drowsy eyes to his and smile. “You make me happy.” Not long after, I finally feel Reeves’ steady breath beneath me and close my eyes, calm and content.
Chapter 27
Reeves
My smile is threatening to rip my face in half as I look at the note Nia left on my pillow this morning, again. I’d step into hell with the wildest of smiles, without even the slightest of hesitations feeling as I feel right now.
Had to go, early class… See you later.
Love u,
Me.
How did this happen? She really loves me? It wasn’t just something she’d blurted last night under a pile of emotions.
Even though this day has been a total bitch, having Jake scold my ass off for my brilliant performance last night. Having a mid-year call with my dad which always ends up with me feeling like someone has just pummelled my gut. Having the most awkward coffee in the history of awkward coffees with Katie. She was crabby in “I got my period and someone ate my cookies” kind of way. When I tried to find out what was wrong she almost bit my head off. All in all, I don’t care. I’m too excited to see Nia soon, all the rest can really just go to hell.
It’s true, time tends to crawl when you’re waiting for something you really want— your favorite song to start, your favorite dish to arrive when you’re starving. Time fucking drags when you’re waiting to see your girl.
~~~
“Here’s your drink, just don’t beat me up,” Dan says, sliding a glass my way. They’ve been giving me shit, Eileen and Dan, for the last half hour about me losing it last night. They both snicker at Dan’s last witticism. I shake my head with a friendly-warning gaze.
“Okay, that’s the last I hear of it, one wrong word more and I will beat you up, Dan. And you, I’ll just lock you in the storage room.” I look at Eileen, saying the last part with a tug of my lips.
“I’m game, Reeves, as long you are locked up with me.” Eileen winks, making sure her voice has a sultry lilt. They grin at me in unison.
“Do you still have your job?” Eileen plants her elbows on the counter, talking low enough to make our conversation private.
“Don’t worry, still got my job.” It was never at risk, not that I’m about to explain to anyone about my special terms of employment with Jake.
“I’m glad, you know I kinda have a crush on you.” She winks again, I chuckle. We both know it’s just a friendly tease, she loves her cat and mouse thing with Dan.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, I get it and read a message from Nia.
Can you meet me in the toilets in 5?
My lips pull up so hard and fast, in a nanosecond my face is lit up like a Vegas strip.
Dig where you’re going w/that. No to the toilets though, there’s a room at the back, second door from the toilets, be there.
I’d be lying if I said I’m not already semi-hard.
As I spot Nia a few minutes post-text, entering the bar with a cheerful group and a very joyful Alex, I make my way to the notorious backroom, boner still intact.
She doesn’t even have a foot in before I grab her and pin her against the door I’ve just kicked shut. My mouth swallows her yelp of surprise.
“Hi beautiful.” I lunge my tongue inside her sweet, sweet mouth. My hand flings her thigh around my hip. Instinctively, her hands reach my neck. She absorbs my kiss with smiling lips. I lean back to look at her.
“Oh, hi there.” She grins.
“Hi yourself.” I lean in and bury my tongue in her mouth again, determined.
“Reeves,” she mumbles through our vacuumed lips, “hey.” She brings her hand between us and lightly pushes my chest back.
My brows constrict thickly as I reluctantly ease back. I cock my head, prompting her to explain this ridiculous pause.
“I wanted to talk to you before we go outside and join everybody.”
“Listening.” I kiss a freckle just above her collarbone.
“Can we keep our thing private?”
I stop short with my lips next to another tiny dot, and my eyes tip up. Not feeling the love for her hesitant tone, or the words that just left her sexy lips.
“What do you mean?” I slant back, studying her expression.
“I’m just not ready to talk about… There are some really nosy people out there. And well, Paul is Kenneth’s brother. I think it’s better not to shove us in his face.” The mentioning of Fishguy rubs me the wrong way, to say the least. “Please?” She leaves a supple kiss on my lips.
“Fine.” I twist my mouth and help her to her feet.
“I’ll go out first,” she says. She brushes her hand on my chest before turning on her heels. “I’ll make it worth your while later.”
My lips reflexively radiate joy. Yeah, I’m a guy, that just made everything okay.
I grab her arm before she reaches the door. “your home this time, Nia.” I say it gravely enough to convey the weight of my solemnity. A surrendered sigh and a short nod confirms her acquiescence.
As Nia joins her friends, I go hang out with Jake in his office, counting the minutes till Nia and I split out of here to be together, alone. I aim a dart at the board as I listen to Jake tell me he spoke to Hunter yesterday. Not that I haven’t seen this one coming. I know full well I’m not going to like what I’m about to hear.
“I’m sorry man, I had to,” he says after telling me he told Hunter about my outburst. My immediate exasperation is channelled into my throw. The arrow collides with the pierced dock foam with a distinctive thud. I stay with my back to Jake, listening to his next words, moving the last arrow from hand to hand.
“You might be out of the intel circle for the time being, it’s up to him to decide, I’m just giving you a heads-up. Now, as you can imagine the offer from a couple of days ago is off the table, I’ve assigned that job to Malcolm this morning.” Jake pushes out his next exhale. “Hunter said he’ll drop by to talk to you. He wants you back in therapy.”
I turn back to look at him.
“Reeves, there’s one thing going all caveman, beating up whoever touches your girl, it’s a completely different song losing control on a job. No matter how you put it, you still lost control.” There’s nothing I can say in my defence, he’s absolutely right.
“Will you?” Jake shrugs off his jacket, throwing it at the back of a chair.
I watch my fisted palms and release the grip. “I’ll schedule an appointment with Dr. Barnes.”
Jake takes a couple of steps my way. With his hand curling around my shoulder he says, “it’s the right thing to do.” I nod. “And I’m sorry I had to take back the job offer.”
“I assumed you would. I wasn’t going to take it anyway. I don’t want to be away for such a long time.”
It’s his turn to nod. “Wanna join the people?” He tips his chin toward the bar.
“Yeah,” I answer, still considering what I’ve just agreed to. I hate therapy. I can’t stand talking about everything I’m trying so hard to keep tucked away.
Walking out of the corridor that inhabits the storage room, Jake’s office and the toilets, my eyes skim the room. When they land on a smiling Nia, my lips arch. Nia’s group starts a semi-slurred, but much elated, “Happy Birthday Alex,” as Jake and I reach the bar. We turn our heads to the loud crooning that’s followed by whistles and cheers.
“Yo, throw me the Partido,” Jake calls to Dan, who in return flings a half empty Tequila bottle over the counter right into Jake’s waiting hand. “Get some glasses,” he asks of me.
“To the birthday girl,” Jake holds a shot glass in the air moments later, prompting everyone at Alex’s table
to raise their own full glasses. When we throw back our shots, Nia and I do it with locked stares.
“So how old is the birthday girl?” Jake eyes zero in on Alex’s deep cleavage. She slants her gleaming eyes at him and he gifts her with his trademark crooked smile. She slowly drinks him, running her eyes over his faded jeans, dark, tight tee, prickled jaw, and straight, unruly auburn hair. The girl has so much sass in her eyes it’s almost impossible not to smile. “Old enough for everything naughty big girls can do.” She cocks her purple spiked head sideways with a devilish grin.
Jake’s head drops back with a chuckle which makes me wonder what the current status quo between Carmie and Jake is. It usually varies from “seeing” other people while together. To “seeing” other people together. Or the last one which is a great rarity: not “seeing” other people at all. I’d go with either option one or two, higher stakes on two, given Carmie is currently still living with Jake.
Validating my assumption, Jake doesn’t dawdle much before turning a seat next to Alex and sits himself with his chest pressed to the chair’s back. He leans in and whispers something to her attentive ear that ends with both regarding each other with a knowing smirk. I’m far from being a prophet, but I see a threesome in the near future.
Checking how I could thread a chair next to Nia’s, my eyes catch a glimpse of a blond, wavy halo entering the bar’s space.
It’s time I had a serious conversation with her. Due to her dinosaur with cramps mood this morning I didn’t get to that earlier when we met. I leave the group and head toward Katie.
After our usual kiss-hug greeting ritual, Katie asks me to dance with her which I dismiss by telling her we need to talk. She tells her friends she’ll be right back and follows me to Jake’s office. I close the door behind us and face Katie, donning a firm expression.
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