by J. Saman
“Ready?” I ask Tom with my brightest smile as I reach my hand out to him. He takes it, interlacing our fingers and we head through the double doors that lead to the waiting room and out towards the exit. “Holy crap.” I smile big and look to Tom who is smiling at me like my happiness just made him happy. “It’s snowing,” I exclaim and run towards the doors leading to the street. He laughs behind me while I twirl around as large white flakes fall all around me.
This is my favorite time. When the snow is falling, covering the city in a beautiful blanket of white, before it becomes black and gross from cars and pedestrians.
“I told you it was a good surprise.”
I smile at Tom, reaching up and throwing my arms around his neck.
“You were right.” I kiss him. “Does it snow in London?” He looks at me seriously for a minute before nodding. “Good, because I can’t move anywhere that it doesn’t snow.”
“Is that an answer?” he asks hesitantly, yet the hope in his eyes is unmistakable.
I open my mouth to respond when I hear my name called. I look over to see Levi wrapping his lab coat around himself to ward off the cold air. “Lila wanted me to ask you if you did the labs on the patient in curtain two.” He has got to be kidding me! My arms are still wrapped around Tom’s neck. Levi is trying for impassive, but I see the hard edge of his eyes, which only becomes more obvious when he sees Tom’s hands are resting on the top part of my ass.
“Yes, I sent them down. Tell Lila if she bothered to check the computer, she would have seen that they’re pending.”
He nods, hesitating for a moment before walking over to us. My heart starts to sprint because I have no idea what he’s going to say or do. It’s not like I can grab Tom and pull him away because that would obviously be worse. Crap.
“Hi. I’m Levi Katz.” Levi sticks his hand out to Tom, who pulls away from my embrace to shake his hand.
“Tom Masters. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Levi nods at him with a slightly smug expression, apparently happy that he managed to create some physical separation between Tom and I.
“Would you mind if I borrowed Lara for just a quick second?” Levi asks, and I want to throw up everywhere. That’s how knotted my stomach is right now. Jesus, can’t this guy just give me break?
“Of course not.” Tom smiles to me, walking to the overhang as Levi grabs me by the elbow and leads back towards the vestibule between the two sets of doors that lead inside.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I hiss.
Levi chuckles. “He’s a Brit?”
“Yeah,” I say, widening my eyes and tilting my head hoping he’ll get to the point of his interruption. My arms are folded over my stomach so I don’t punch the ridiculously hot smirk off his face.
“He didn’t recognize my name.” He looks wounded by this.
“Nor should he. He doesn’t know who you are,” I tell him, crossing my arms over my chest for effect.
“What’s your schedule like on Tuesday morning?”
I huff out a breath. “You’ve got to be kidding me?”
“Oh, but I’m not.” He closes the distance between us, placing his hand on my hip and squeezing me. “Meet me at the deli on the corner by your apartment at ten.” He leans in and kisses the skin just under my ear—my favorite spot—but before I can smack him, or yell at him for that stunt, he’s gone.
I walk back outside with an apologetic expression to Tom, but he is none the wiser.
“You ready love?”
“Sure. Where are we going?” I try for casual when all I can focus on is the burning sensation on my skin where Levi’s mouth just was. All I want to do is reach up and rub it, but for some reason, I don’t. I can’t seem to wipe away his lips from my skin, and this makes me angry. It makes me feel like I’m betraying Tom or something. Sort of ironic, because Levi’s sudden intrusion on my life is actually pushing me closer to Tom.
Though, I couldn’t say if it’s for the right reasons.
No. It is.
I. Love. Tom.
“Well,” he starts, grabbing my hand. “Don’t be cross, okay?” I look up at him for this with a raised eyebrow. “I sort of already packed you an overnight bag.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Amara let me in and helped me pack for you. You said you were going to sleep at my flat tonight.” Tom pulls me aside so we can dodge the elderly man walking a rather large dog. “Are you angry with me?”
I laugh. “No, I’m not. I can just imagine what she packed for me to wear. Hopefully some decent underwear because I’m wearing my backup stash that was in my locker since someone tore mine off last night.” I give him a pointed look and a small playful jab in the side with my elbow.
He growls, pulling me deeper into his side. “And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that since.”
“You don’t hear me complaining.”
“Good, because I’ve made us a brunch reservation at Central Park, then I thought we’d take a snowy stroll through the park, and once we’re both good and frozen we can go back home and snog in front of the fire—naked.” He leans down, kissing my neck. Thankfully, not in the same spot Levi did.
That thought makes me feel dirty. And not in a fun hot way. I’m a bad person.
“I think I like that plan.” I give him a hip bump as he opens the car door for me. Slipping inside onto the soft black leather, I breathe out a sigh of relief as I’m engulfed in heat. “I’d like to stop at the market on the way home so I can pick up some things for dinner. I feel like cooking and using you for your massive, top-of-the-line kitchen.”
“I’d love that.” He pulls me close as we drive through the snowy city on our way to the park.
We’re quiet for a few minutes when I ask him the question that has been weighing on my mind. “If I don’t go with you to London, are we done?” He turns to me furrowing his eyebrows. “I mean, is this an all-or-nothing kind of thing?” I worry my lip in my teeth.
He reaches down and gently rubs my cheek. “I’m going to be gone for a year with not a whole lot of holiday time. I don’t want to say yes, because I don’t want to lose you, and I’m the one asking you to turn your life over,” he pauses, looking into my eyes so intently my breath catches. “I think it would be hard for us to do it so far apart for such a long time.” I nod at him. “I know I’m being selfish. I want you to live with me. To be there when I get home every night. I want to wake up next to you every morning. But if you’re still really not ready for that, then I guess we’d have to try to figure something out.”
I turn away from his penetrating stare over to the fogged up window. He’s right. He may not want to say it would end us, but it would. How could it not? I mean, a year of a relationship based on phone calls could never work. My decision isn’t just about moving to London and putting my life on hold, it’s about whether or not I want to continue being with Tom.
I know in this very moment that there is no way I can give Tom a real answer before I get mine from Levi. I need that bit of closure to move forward. I’m nervous to get it. I’m terrified he’ll have some crazy good explanation for me and then what do I do? Do I even want to consider Levi? Would he want that with me?
Judging by the kisses and stolen moments, he would, but I don’t know for sure. I don’t see how I could ever trust him again, and for me, that’s paramount. I trust Tom. He’s honest and good, and he’s offering me the chance at something incredible. I’ve been strangled by my past for too long. I’ve allowed Levi’s past actions to dictate my future, and that needs to stop.
Now.
8
I’m sitting in Tom’s behemoth of a bathtub. It’s amazing. It could easily fit more than two people, but Tom’s not much of a bath guy. Instead, the considerate bastard asked me for a grocery list and has gone shopping while I soak in his tub cocooned by bubbles.
I pick up his landline that he graciously left on the shelf by the tub, and dial the
number I’ve been dreading to dial for the last three days.
“Hello?”
“Mom, it’s me.”
“Lara, it’s about damn time,” she says, annoyed. I usually talk to my mom almost every day, but since Levi returned, I’ve avoided her calls. Mainly because I’m afraid of what she’ll say, but now I need to tell her about London and Levi.
“I’ve been avoiding you,” I tell her honestly, because there is no point in lying to my mother. She’ll just get it out of me eventually anyway.
“Spill it then.”
“I have way too much to tell you, Mom, so you better have the time.” I shift in the tub, warm fragranced water sliding around me.
“For you, baby, I have it,” she says in the mom-tone I need right now. It’s like a blanket of trust and understanding with zero judgment. Fuck, I miss my mother. It’s only been two weeks since I’ve seen her, but I miss the hell out of her.
“Tom asked me to move to London with him for a year. He has to go there for business and wants me to go with him,” I spit out and bite my lip as I wait for her reaction. I push the bubbles away from my face and sit up a little in the tub, waiting for the discussion I know is about to come.
“What about school?” Of course that would be her first question.
“I’d finish first. We’d come back in August so I can take my boards, and then we wouldn’t return until next February when we’d come back for good.” She’s silent. I’m about to ask if she’s still there when I hear her clear her throat.
“What about your job?” I love how she’s all business, like I haven’t thought about all of these things already. Doesn’t she know what I’m really asking her?
“Sue told me that I could start next winter. That they’d hold my position for me.”
“Wow,” she says on a stunned breath. “Then what’s the hold-up, kid?”
“I don’t know, Mom,” I sigh out, running a wet hand over my face. “It’s a huge step. We’d be living together in a foreign country. He’d be working a lot and I’d have a lot of free time once I’m done with my boards.” Picking up a handful of lavender scented bubbles, I blow them back into the tub in a puff of suds.
“Is that your only reservation?” I shrug, though she can’t see me. When I don’t answer she continues, “We love Tom, Lara. He’s a really good man, and he loves you very much. I know you love him too, because I see it in the way you look at him.” She pauses before continuing, “It’s taken you a very long time to find someone again. I think if you’re going to make this leap of faith with anyone, Tom is a good one to do it with.”
I nod, wiping away the tears that have started to fall without my permission.
“He’s back, Mom,” I whisper, my voice heavy with my tears. Why is it that just thinking about the son of a bitch makes me cry? Nothing else in this world makes me cry like Levi.
“Who?” she asks, confused.
“Levi.”
“What do you mean he’s back?” she snaps at me with an angry edge to her voice that only a mother can have. It’s the sort of tone that says, you better answer me right now, young lady. Like I’m a five-year-old. Although, when it comes to my mommy, I am.
I wipe the sweat from my forehead with my free hand. Damn, this bath is hot. “He came into the hospital for sutures the other night, and he’s a fourth-year med student at the hospital,” I rush through, omitting the whole stalking and bus incident.
“What the fuck, Lara?” she yells. “Have you talked to him?” Her voice has as an accusing tone to it.
“Not really. I stitched his hand. I have pretty much blown off all of his attempts at an explanation since. He’s trying, Mom. He says he has a lot to tell me.” I shift in the tub, suddenly feeling self-conscious for having this discussion at Tom’s, though I know he’s still at the store. Tom takes forever to get a few simple ingredients.
“Yeah, I just bet he does.” I can practically taste her displeasure. “Wait, you said he’s a med student. Does that mean he’s been living in New York for four years?”
Wow, I hadn’t thought of that until just now. “I don’t know,” I say, shocked by the very thought. How am I this stupid? How could I not have thought of this before?
“If he has, and hasn’t sought you out. . .” she trails off. I know what she’s saying. He doesn’t love me and doesn’t care about me. He’s just going to hurt me again.
“So you don’t think I should listen to him?” I cringe waiting for her to answer, but she’s silent again. “Mom?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” she says. “I just don’t know what to tell you. I don’t want Levi to be the reason you say no to Tom about London. Levi may have had his reasons for running out, but that doesn’t change how he did it, or the fact that he left you with a broken heart that has taken you years to get over. You finally found someone who wants a future with you. Tom will take care of you, Lara. He’ll love you forever and be good to you, and never leave without telling you beforehand.” I wipe more of the tears that are now free falling down my cheeks. “Levi left you without a word. When Tom leaves, he asks you to go with him. Do you see the difference here?”
“Yeah,” I say through the frog in my throat. “I do. I love Tom. Part of me really wants to go with him. . .” I trail off, leaving my thoughts hanging there between us.
“But part of you is stuck in the past,” she finishes for me, and I nod even though she can’t see me.
“Then talk to Levi. Get your answers, and then go to London with Tom. Move on and away from Levi. If he’s a fourth year then that means he’s graduating this spring, same as you. It also means he’ll become an intern somewhere and that may very well not be in New York.” She’s right, and for some reason, this brings me both comfort and unease. I haven’t seen Levi in seven years and part of me believed I never would again, but suddenly the thought of actually never seeing him again has me scared.
“He wants to meet Tuesday morning to talk. I haven’t mentioned any of this to Tom,” I tell her. I’m feeling guilty about that, though I still don’t think I will.
“I don’t think you need to. Why cause a problem when there isn’t one? Levi is an ex-boyfriend with whom you have some unresolved business with. Once you conclude that business, you can move forward and forget him,” she says like it’s all that simple, though I’m sure she knows it’s not.
“Thanks, Mommy. I really needed this.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” I wipe the last of my tears away, taking a deep, cleansing breath. “Now, pull yourself together. You’re going to be fine.”
“I’m good,” I say, swallowing hard and wiping some of the hot water over my face.
“Good. Now, to the important questions. Can your father and I come to London for Christmas?” she says in all seriousness.
I laugh. “Of course, Mom. If I go to London, you can come for Christmas. Tom will even get me a Menorah so we can do Hanukkah for Dad.”
“He’d love that.”
We spend the rest of the time talking about London and my dad’s new case that has him working crazy hours. I love my mom, but her advice is slightly biased. She loves Tom and hates Levi. That doesn’t mean that she’s wrong, just biased.
Tom returns with a triumphant smile on his face. “I got everything you asked for.” He’s so proud of himself.
“Awesome. Help me out of this pool you call a bathtub.” Water sloshes around as I move towards the edge of the tub.
He chuckles. “Swim over to me.” He pulls my naked, wet and sudsy body out and I suddenly feel like I’m in a bad porno. That notion quickly slips away when his hand slides in between my legs and I want nothing more than to be the star of said porno. “Mmm. You’re so sexy, dove. You make my mouth water just thinking about this.” He rubs his finger across me, exactly where I want it to be.
A moan slips out of me as his mouth lowers, kissing his way down my neck.
“Here or bed?” he murmurs.
“Um?” I bite my lip as I
watch his mouth lick and suck my chest like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. “Sorry, what was the question?” Were we speaking? It’s too hard to concentrate when his mouth and fingers are on me like this.
He chuckles softly against my overheated skin, making me shiver.
“How about here? I don’t think I can wait to be inside of you.” He peers up at me with hooded eyes and long lashes, and I swear it’s the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen.
“Here is good,” I manage, making him smile. Before I can register what’s happening, he scoops me up, making me wrap my legs and arms around him. He gently places me on the edge of the marble counter before he unzips his pants and enters me slowly. We groan in unison and cling to each other like our lives depend on it.
We do this well, we always have. Our chemistry in the bedroom has never been in question. Being with him is something special. Magical. He always manages to make me feel beautiful and sexy. Like he can’t believe his luck that he gets to make love to me.
It’s heady.
Yet somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind, Levi’s words are there. Does he make you scream his name like you used to scream mine? Does he make you beg him never to stop? I hate that those thoughts invade, but they do. Because no matter how good it is with Tom—and it is good—it’s never as good as it was with Levi, and we were only teenagers.
I can’t help wondering if the years have improved things.
I banish all thoughts of Levi from my mind and focus on Tom. Tom who loves me. Tom who wants to live with me, and marry me, and take me away to Europe with him.
I have no real excuse for saying no to him, and I think I’ve resolved myself to saying yes, but only after I speak to Levi. I need to end that chapter before I can start on a new one.
Now I just have to work up the balls to do that.