by J. Saman
A large refill.
“Oh my god. These are amazing,” Tanya gushes around a mouthful of brownie.
“Thanks. Chocolate is kind of my thing.” I smile and turn to Levi. “Do you want a coffee or anything?” I don’t even bother asking Tom if he wants tea. He can make it himself if he does.
“Nah. I’m good. I have an early morning tomorrow.”
I nod, but I still haven’t found my smile yet. I take a long pull of my wine, hoping it will settle me down. I hate being this pissed off in front of people.
“I’m so excited. School was canceled tomorrow because of all the snow,” Tanya beams. She continues to ramble about her favorite classes, her friends, and even a boy in her class that’s mean to her.
She’s smart like her brother and beautiful like her mother. I want to keep her. I want to spend more time with her. I have my arm around her as we head towards the door and am having trouble letting her go for some reason. I can’t explain it, but it’s almost like I’m tied to her somehow.
She’s gotten under my skin.
“So you’ll call me and we’ll go shopping,” I reiterate, turning in front of the elevator and placing my hands on her small shoulders.
“I can’t wait. I’ll get your number from Levi and I’ll call you.” She’s all enthusiasm and I can’t help the smile that’s spread across my face.
“Good. I’ll be waiting for you to do that, so you better call,” I tease as I pull her into a tight hug. I must be getting my period or something because I’m about two seconds away from crying over this girl again.
I pull back, but before I can say anything Levi pulls me into a hug. It catches me by surprise and I’m about to push him off playfully when he whispers in my ear. “Thank you for everything with her. It means the world to me that she has you now.”
I nod into his shoulder nudging him back before I start blubbering all over the place.
“Thank you for coming, mate,” Tom says warmer than I would have thought to Levi.
“Thanks for having us.” They shake hands again and Levi throws me a wink before he walks to the elevator.
“It was lovely to meet you, Tanya.”
She nods, but doesn’t return the pleasantry. I’m guessing it’s her way of sticking up for Levi.
The second they’re gone I turn on Tom, ready to unleash my fury, but he pulls me into his chest before I can say anything. “I’m sorry, don’t be cross with me. I was jealous and I’m sorry.” His rare vulnerability cuts me to the quick.
Just like that, I melt into Tom and all is forgiven.
24
I’m exhausted. I’ve been working on my paper for class for the last three hours. My neck and back are stiff, my eyes burn and my head is beyond fuzzy. I need to get out. After being in class all day and then writing this freaking paper without a break, I decide to walk down the street to the Vietnamese restaurant that’s a few blocks away and get some pho.
Amara is at work so the house is quiet. I feel like I haven’t seen her or really spent time with her in a while. I think we need to schedule a girl’s shopping trip or something. I told Tanya I’d take her shopping sometime after she complained that Levi keeps her on a tight budget when it comes to her clothes.
Boys.
I throw on the lavender hat my cousin knit for me, along with my coat and white cashmere gloves. I step outside into the cold evening air and look up in wonder. It’s snowing. Not hard, but enough to coat the ground in fresh powder. Smiling, I start my walk down towards First Avenue when I stop short.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, looking around, half-expecting Levi to be with someone.
“Nothing really,” he smirks and then lowers his head shifting his feet before looking back up at me. “You sort of caught me in indecision.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“I just finished up work and…” Levi looks down again. “Tanya told me what she said to you,” he says, changing the subject mid-sentence, and throwing me off. “I wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk to you about it, but I somehow ended up in front of your building all the same.”
I have no idea what to say to him.
“I was going to walk down and get some pho. Wanna walk with me?”
He nods, stepping toward me. “She really liked you.”
This makes me smile. “I liked her too. She’s a great girl, Levi. You’ve done really well with her,” I tell him, meaning it.
“I’m not home as much for her as I’d like to be. We have Mrs. Hastings, but I wish she had more of a stable home life, especially after everything.”
I nod. “Does she remember it?”
He’s quiet for a minute so I turn to look at him. His eyes are fixed on the sidewalk. “Not much anymore.” That’s all he says so I leave it at that.
It’s beautiful out.
The snow is falling and all around us the city is bustling as the nine-to-fivers rush to get home. “Do you love him as much as you love me?” he asks hesitantly, breaking the silence between us.
“What?” It’s a stupid response. We both know I heard him just fine, but I need a stalling moment before I can respond to that. We stop at the crosswalk, waiting for the light to change and he moves in front of me so I can’t escape him. It makes me feel stuck. I need to keep walking; movement is my friend. I don’t want to look into his eyes or think about that question.
“Do. You. Love. Him. As. Much. As. You. Love. Me?” he repeats, enunciating his words like I’m a toddler.
“What the fuck kind of question is that?”
“A simple one with a yes or no answer.”
“Jesus, Levi. There is nothing simple about that question,” I scoff, practically running across the street now that the light changed. I need to get away from him. Why the hell did I ask him to walk with me? I’m so stupid, and I want nothing more than to get my freaking food and go home without having this conversation. Ever. “What happened to friends? Friends don’t ask each other something like that.”
He laughs. Hard. “Friends also don’t tell my little sister that they will always love me.” He’s right. It was a stupid thing to say to her, but I was caught off guard dammit.
“I can’t talk about this.”
“Fine. I’ll start then,” he says gruffly, keeping stride with me step for step through the icy sidewalk. I’m ducking around a businessman who almost knocks me over when Levi grabs my arm, pulling me off to the side closer to a building. “I’m getting really tired of living my life for other people. All I do is what I think is best for everyone else, but I’m done with that, Lara.” He pulls my body into his and I’m so stunned that I don’t pull away immediately. “Do you want to fly away to London and live happily ever after with him?”
I’m getting whiplash from how quickly he changes the subject.
Grabbing my arm with more force, he shakes me a little. “Answer me, Lara? Do you want to marry him?”
“Marry him?” I parrot back, choosing to focus on that because it seems like the easiest of the topics. “We’re not engaged.” I realize how stupid I sound right now, but it can’t be helped. I don’t know what to say or how to respond to anything he’s asking me. Anything he’s telling me.
“No, but he wants to be.”
I shake my head to deny it, but I know better and so does he. Tom does want to get married, even if it’s not now. I know that’s ultimately what he wants with me.
“Fuck, Lara, can you answer a damn question tonight?”
“No,” I smirk. He groans, running a hand through his now snow covered hair.
“You’re killing me.” He rests his forehead against mine. “I love you so much and you’re killing me.” The words are soft, his breath brushing against my cheek.
I’m paralyzed.
I’m also happy and scared and sad and guilty and mad, and probably everything in between.
“Do you really believe that you’re meant to be with him? That you belong with him instead of with me?” He sha
kes his head against me like he’s answering his own question.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to answer these questions.
“Tell me, Lara.” He cups my cheek. “Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away forever.”
“I don’t love you,” I blurt out and freeze because I’m terrified by what I just said.
I also just lied through my teeth.
He doesn’t walk away though, instead he laughs at me. “You’re still the worst liar in the world.” He leans down, brushing his lips closer to my ear. “You do love me. I know you do. You told Tanya you did, but more importantly, I feel it in your body. I see it in your eyes.” He lifts my face up so our eyes meet. “You forget how well I know you. I know every part of you. Every reaction you have to me.”
I don’t know what to do. What to say. Do I admit that I still love him? What about Tom? Where does that leave him? It’s hardly fair for me to admit that I love another man when I also love him.
I’m so fucked up with this that I’m tempted to run away from both of them and never look back.
What is he asking me to do? Choose? How? I can’t. I told Tom I was moving to London with him. I told work I was going. I wrote a damn letter saying as much and I signed a contract that says I start February first of next year.
I’m going to London with Tom.
But I’m also totally and completely in love with the man whose arms I’m in.
“What do you want from me?” I whisper shakily, trying to step back out of his arms, but he doesn’t let me. He just holds me closer to him. The warmth from his arms and chest envelope me. I breathe his scent in and I’m so brokenhearted right now, I just want to curl up and cry.
“I want you, Lara. It’s that simple. I’ve wanted you since we were seventeen years old in high school. I’ll want you when we’re seventy and surrounded by our grandchildren.” A sob escapes from me before I can control it and I pound my fist against his chest.
“You’re not being fair.” I hit him again.
“Do you love him as much as you love me?” His voice has a harsh edge.
“Don’t ask me that.” My voice has no edge.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?”
I shake my head. “Yes,” I say, contradicting myself.
“I love you so much.” He brushes his hand against my jaw. “I can’t breathe without you anymore. I have you back in my life and I need to keep you here.” He squeezes me against his chest. “With me. Forever.” He leans in, brushing his lips against mine. Once. Twice. “You’re trembling, baby.”
“Please,” I beg, but I have no idea what I’m asking for. I’ve never been so confused in my whole life.
“I’ll give you a little more time, Lara, but not forever. I can’t seem to stay away from you now, so if that’s what you want, you’re going to have to tell me. You’re going to have to be the one to tell me to leave. I made that mistake once and I will never willingly walk away from you again.”
I nod against him. He brushes his lips against mine again and it kills me not to respond.
“Let’s go get you something to eat.” He pulls back, taking my hand like nothing happened. Like he didn’t just throw down the gauntlet. I walk silently next to him as he prattles on about people from work and how excited and nervous he is for his interviews and blah blah blah.
I’m not listening to it.
I’m so lost in my own thoughts that I don’t notice anything around me until I’m pulled into the restaurant and up to the counter. I order my pho and some fresh spring rolls because that’s what I always get, but it’s automatic. Everything I’m doing right now is on autopilot.
He’s playing with my gloved hand and carrying on a one-sided conversation. I feel sick. I realize what a cliché I am. I’m in love with two men and I have no idea how to choose between them.
One is my past.
One my present.
Both are everything I want.
My phone rings, startling me out of my silent battle. I feel Levi stiffen and I’m suddenly all too aware of just how wrong this situation is.
“Hi,” I say, trying for an even tone, but doubting I accomplish it. I walk away from Levi, who is leaning against the bar watching me.
“Hi, dove. You get your paper finished?”
“I did. I’m just picking up some dinner before I head home.” I cringe, scrunching my eyes shut because I just omitted Levi’s presence.
I’m a lying, cheating, horror of a person.
Though I’m not technically cheating, it still feels like I’m doing all sorts of wrong here.
Because you are!
“Do you want me to pick you up?” I can tell he’s in the car by the sound of his voice and lack of noise around him.
“No. I’m going to sleep at home tonight.”
“Everything okay?” he asks hesitantly.
“Yes.” I turn back to the bar where Levi is, only to find him standing right in front of me. Watching me. Listening. “I’m just tired.” I watch him back as I talk to Tom, our eyes locked on the other.
“Right. You rest up. You’ve been going non-stop without a break. My poor bird. I can’t believe I’m leaving next Friday.” That snaps me out of my stare down with Levi and I feel my eyes water on their own volition.
Why am I crying?
Is it because he’s leaving, or is it because I’m scared to be left here alone with Levi?
“I know. I can’t believe it either.”
“You’ll be with me soon enough. Before you know it we’ll be together again.” I nod. Levi’s eyes are so pained. I see the hurt in them reflecting my own.
“I love you.”
I shake my head. “Me too,” I say and lower my face when I see Levi’s crumble. I hang up and grab onto him before he can walk away. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I say over and over again.
What am I apologizing for?
“I hate this, Lara. I hate this so much. It’s not really my style to demand things, but I can’t keep being the guy on the sidelines. I want too much from you for that. You need to figure this out. You need to do what will make you happy. That’s all I care about.” He squeezes me before pulling back and walking over to the bar to wait for our order.
I hate this too, Levi, I want to say back, but don’t. He’s right. I need to figure this out and I need to do it soon.
The problem is, I don’t know how. I need to do what will make me happy, he says. It’s an impossible task.
We walk back to my apartment together, though I didn’t invite him over or to walk back with me. He does it anyway and when I unlock the front door to my building, he doesn’t even hesitate before walking in behind me like he owns the place.
I don’t protest.
“Hey, I was just about to call—” Amara’s words trail off as she sees who’s walking into our apartment behind me.
“Hey, Amara. How was the rest of your shift?”
“It was...” She looks at me unsure for a moment before plastering a smile across her face. “It was great. Thanks.” She looks away from him quickly. Like she’s guilty of something and afraid of getting caught.
“We got Vietnamese if you want. I got your favorite chicken and rice thing.”
“Awesome. I’m starved. Thanks babe.” She turns with a smirk on her lips as she heads towards the kitchen. “I’m opening wine because I think we’ll all need it to get through this meal.”
Levi snorts trying to hold in his laughter. “You’re a real bitch, you know that?” I call out to her.
“I love you too, cupcake.” She returns with a full bottle of white and three glasses. “Sit your ass down, Levi, and tell me what sort of torture you’ve inflicted on my girl here. She looks like she’s either going to be sick, or pass out.”
“Fuck, Amara. Ease up, will you?” I snap, and then cover my face with my hands.
“No torture,” he starts as he pulls out my chair for me to sit, followed by his own. “I just told her
that I love her and that I know she loves me and I may have asked her to choose.”
Amara chokes as she takes a sip of her wine. “Damn,” she coughs before laughing. “No wonder you look like shit, Lar.” I glare at her again. Anger seems like an easier way to handle all of this. “Do you want me to kick his ass out so we can talk?” She’s serious, no longer playful, which I appreciate.
“I don’t want to talk right now. I just want to eat my food and go to bed,” I mutter as I stuff a bite of spring roll and peanut sauce into my mouth. I chew while ignoring the glances back and forth between Levi and Amara. Then something occurs to me. “You knew,” I accuse her.
“Knew what?” she asks trying to look innocent, but her eyes say guilt.
“You fucking brat. You knew about this?” I point a finger back and forth between me and Levi, who has grown strangely silent.
“He may have told me about the conversation you had with his sister and a few other things.” What the hell is with these two talking about me behind my back?
“Did you encourage this, Mar? Me and him? Did you encourage him to talk to me?”
I can’t believe I’m having this conversation in front of him, but oddly it doesn’t feel out of place.
She looks sadly at Levi who is stuffing his face with noodles trying his best to ignore my weird rant. “I didn’t encourage or discourage it, babe.” She looks at me sadly now. “But you needed to know how he feels about you so you don’t look back in ten years when you’re married to Tom, wondering if things could have been different.”
This is unbelievable. “So you think I’m making a mistake going to London now? You were all for it before. Just what the absolute fuck?” I shriek, slamming my hands down on the wood table, jostling our food and wine glasses.
Levi starts to stand. “Maybe I should go.”
“Sit down!” We both yell at him and he does without another word.
I pick up a spring roll, shaking it at her like it’s a weapon. “Talk to me, Mar.”
“You love him.” She points to Levi who is now drinking copious amounts of wine from his glass. “I know you love Tom too, but don’t you think you should have all the facts before you make your choice to leave?” She smiles, totally at ease. “So yeah, I may have mentioned to him that you two should talk. He may have also mentioned that he’s crazy in love with you and wants to get back together.”