by J. Saman
I cringe. Just thinking about losing him again makes bile rise in my throat. What the hell is wrong with me? I went years without him and suddenly, after only a month, I can’t imagine not having him in my life.
“Okay then. This stays our secret until I figure out what the hell I want.” I shake my head. “I feel like the ultimate bitch. Like I’m stringing two guys along.” I puff out my cheeks, releasing the air slowly. “How did I end up in love with two men?” I sigh. “Fuck, Amara.” I flop back down to join her on the bed. “What the hell am I going to do?”
She laughs. “I don’t know cookie, but you’re in a good pickle.” I snort. She sounds like my grandmother. “It’s not like you’re debating who you should date. Both of these guys want to marry you.”
“Thanks, bitch,” I grumble.
“Whatever.” She waves her hand in the air in front of us. “Something will happen and it will decide shit for you.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I’m always right. Now,” she sits up pulling me with her, “let’s order some room service on your new fiancé. I’m starving, and if I’m staying here, I expect to be wined and dined accordingly.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I say with a smile. I toss her the menu that was sitting on the nightstand as I saunter back out into the living room to check the bar and see what they have here for alcohol. Grabbing my phone from the counter, I check to see if I’ve missed any calls or texts. I have two missed texts. One from Tom and one from Levi.
Tom: Through security and at my gate. I love you very much. I’ll message you when I land.
I smile, but don’t respond.
Levi: Tanya is very excited for tomorrow. What time are you meeting up with her? I miss you.
I type in my response.
Me: I’ll scoop her around ten, that way we have all day to shop ;)
I get the message dots instantly.
Him: Sounds good. And of course you miss me too.
I smile, rolling my eyes even though he can’t see me.
Him: No eye rolling, Lara, it’s rude.
Asshole knows me too well.
Me: Get out of my head
Him: Can’t. It’s one of my favorite places to be. Wouldn’t mind being inside something else of yours either.
Heat instantly prickles my skin. Is he just being provocative, or is he actually trying to sext with me?
Me: Perv
Him: ;)
Amara and I eat dinner and a lot of chocolate, washing it down with an expensive bottle of wine. Thank you, Tom. I send him a selfie of us doing just that. He won’t get it until he lands probably, but whatever. I’m hoping it makes him smile.
She leaves early for her shift, but I hear her go and it wakes me. Once I’m up, I’m up. Tom did text when he landed, but that’s all it said. Landed. I’m sure he’s just exhausted. It’s a long flight and a lot of time change to deal with. Even if he did fly first class.
I decide to check out early, but it seems silly to go home for two hours only to have to trek back across town to Levi’s. I’ve never been there before and in truth, I’m a bit nervous about it. I call their house phone, thinking Tanya will pick up. Maybe she wants to grab breakfast before we shop.
“Hey,” Levi answers with a smile in his voice
“Oh, hey. I didn’t think you were home today.” I figured he was letting me have Tanya for the day because he was working or something.
His throaty laugh comes through. “Real nice. So you were calling hoping not to talk to me?”
“Okay, that sounded bad. I was just going to see if Tanya wanted to grab breakfast before we shop. I’m checking out of the hotel early and it seems silly to go home first.” Silence. “Levi? You still there?”
“Um. Yeah. I’m here. What hotel?” Crap.
“I’ve been staying at the Ritz for the last two nights,” I pause, wondering if I should elaborate as I look down at my ring-less finger chewing on my lip. “Tom left last night,” I add, because screw it.
“I didn’t know you were into all that stuff.” There’s a definite edge to his voice.
“What stuff?” My eyebrows crinkle as I position the phone in between my ear and shoulder so I can stuff the last of my stuff into my overnight bag.
“All the fancy expensive stuff.”
“I’m not asshole. I didn’t ask to come here.” I sigh. “Whatever, I don’t know why I’m defending myself. Does Tanya want to do that or not?” I ask annoyed, sitting back on my haunches.
“I’m sure she does, why don’t you just come over?” he says gruffly before hanging up on me.
Super. Now I’ve managed to piss Levi off, and he doesn’t even know about the ring burning a hole in my pocket. I look around the suite again, my eyes freezing on the spot where Tom got down on one knee.
The room looks like any other ridiculously expensive suite again. No more rose petals, candles or champagne. Everything is different in the light of day. My fiancé is in London and I’m about to hop in a cab and head over to my ex-boyfriend’s house for breakfast.
The main problem with this situation?
I’ve got butterflies just from the thought of seeing Levi.
27
Their apartment building is nice. It has a doorman who tells me to just go on up. No accusatory third degree like I get from Tom’s doorman. I go up and I’m riddled with nerves as I knock on apartment 406. I hear a yelp and then a scream followed by Tanya yelling out that I’m here. The door flies open to a very exuberant Tanya who launches her small, brightly clothed body at me, hugging the life out of me.
“Hi,” I laugh, hugging her back.
“Oh my god. You have to come in,” she says, not giving me the choice as she drags me inside by the hand. “I’m so excited you’re here. I can’t wait to go shopping. I’ve got the credit card,” she says, smiling and jumping up and down like a five-year-old. Or maybe this is how all fifteen year olds act. Then I realize she doesn’t have any women in her life to take her shopping, and my heart is a mixture of hurt and gratitude. Hurt that she no longer has a mother. Gratitude that I can do this with her.
“Awesome. We’ll get into some trouble then,” I wink, looking around, but trying to do it casually so it’s not so obvious what I’m doing. It’s pretty big on the inside.
Light hardwood floors lead from the front hall into a large living room that is nicely furnished in creams and deep blues. Cream couch, deep blue throw pillows, deep blue chair, cream throw pillows. It’s minimalist, but comforting, and reminds me of the ocean. There is a wall of windows that lets in a ton of natural light, which only adds to that effect.
On one wall is a television, flanked by bookcases that are filled with textbooks and picture frames. I’m unable to get a closer look at them because Tanya is dragging me down the hall towards what I assume is her bedroom. She opens a door on our right and I see that my assumption is correct.
Her bedroom is done in the same minimalist style. A low profile bed with a gray fabric headboard, a deep purple comforter and a dark wood dresser. No desk, but her room isn’t large, so that’s probably why. On her walls are some pictures of what I assume are her friends and a poster of some boy band.
That makes me smile.
“I like your room. It’s a great space,” I tell her in all honesty. She beams at the compliment. I notice there are no curtains on her windows, and I have a sudden urge to fix that for her. “Maybe we’ll pick you out some cool curtains.”
“That would be so totally great.” She’s all bubbles of excitement. The door from down the hall swings open with a loud whoosh. I spin around to see a freshly showered Levi wearing nothing but a towel, standing in the doorway to what I conclude must be his bedroom.
I gasp. It’s been a very long time since I’ve seen his bare chest, and holy sweet baby Jesus, the years have been good to him. He’s much stronger, more toned, all man. Beads of water drip down the muscles of chest as he ruffles another towel in his hair leaving it tousled and
damp when he’s done. Did I mention sexy as fuck?
I’m salivating.
I’m like three seconds from drooling everywhere.
He clears his throat and when my eyes trail up to his face, he’s smirking. Cocky bastard did this on purpose. I clear my throat quietly before I speak, afraid my voice will only make things worse. “Hey,” I say, turning back around to an overly smiley Tanya.
“I’m going to go make all of us some breakfast,” she grins wider, leaving me standing in her doorway as she flees as fast as her short legs will take her.
“Let me help you,” I call out, not knowing what to do with myself.
“I’m good!”.
I smell his soap and aftershave before I feel his warm, moist body press up against my back. Damn him. “I see you’re freshly showered too,” he breathes in my ear as he plays with one of my long, wet strands. Suddenly I’m wishing I had taken the time to blow-dry my hair before I left.
I try to take a step forward, but a strong arm snakes around my waist, pulling me back into him. My eyes shut as I try to steady my breathing. “Levi,” I swallow. “Please.”
“Please what, baby?” he asks, pushing his chest into my back. I feel his mouth on my neck, kissing a trail down until he reaches the dip between my neck and shoulder. He places a wet open-mouthed kiss there.
I whimper.
I can’t help it.
“I see this is still one of your favorite spots to be kissed.”
I’m paralyzed. His hard, heated body, his breath brushing against my newly moistened skin, his arm firm against my waist. It’s like any self-control I had just vanished and left me in a pool mush. “There are three other places you like me to kiss you, as I recall.” The hand on my waist slides down until it reaches the top of my pubic bone. “Here was definitely your favorite I believe.” Oh god. I hold in my moan, cinching my eyes shut tighter, as his long fingers sweep casually over the top of my mound.
He doesn’t linger before his hand trails up to my breast.
I can’t breathe.
His thumb brushes against my hardening nipple. “This is another one.” He gives it a pinch before continuing up until he reaches my mouth, rubbing his index finger against my trembling bottom lip. “I bet you still taste the same,” he growls in my ear. “Everywhere.”
“Please.” It’s such a weak plea. Even I hear the need in my voice.
“If my sister wasn’t in the next room,” his lips brush my neck again as his tongue sneaks out for a taste. “I’d lean you up against the wall, lick your beautiful pussy until you come on my tongue and then fuck you until you can’t walk.” Jesus. I’m panting. I forgot about his dirty talk. I freaking love his dirty talk.
This is just all kinds of wrong.
“We can’t do this,” I breathe out.
“No. Not yet.” He kisses that traitorous spot on my neck again. “But soon enough, Lara. Soon enough.” He leaves me, cold air replacing the heat of his body. And I feel bereft by the loss.
The enormous diamond in my pocket is like a lead weight. I’m tempted to put it on, but of course I don’t. Instead, I take a deep, steadying breath, open my eyes, and walk back towards where I assume the kitchen is located, hating myself more with every step.
I find it on the other side of the living room. I pause, taking the deepest of breaths before entering.
It’s small, but nicely appointed and has a good-sized window that, like the living room, lets in a lot of natural light. “What are you making?” I ask Tanya who is standing at the counter, cutting up what looks like mushrooms and tomatoes.
“I was thinking a frittata. Do you like eggs?”
“Love ‘em. Let me help you,” I say, sidling up next to her. “So, have you thought about where you want to go shopping?”
She shrugs, and when I look over at her, she’s got a strange expression. Like she’s nervous about something. She notices me looking at her, but her expression doesn’t change. “If you marry that Tom guy, are you going to stop hanging out with us?”
I feel a blush start to creep up my cheeks, but I quickly push it down. This poor girl has lost so much in her life. Her anxiety and fear cut me to the quick. I shake my head, pulling her into my arms. “No, Tanya. You will never lose me. I will always be a part of your life,” I tell her as strongly as I can, kissing the top of her head. She’s so short.
“You said you loved my brother,” her voice is so soft and sweet against me. “Why can’t you just be with him? Then you could live with us.” This girl. She totally does me in. I want nothing more than to give her the happiest of lives. Everything in me wants to tell her that of course I’ll move in with them and we’ll all be a happy family.
The odd thing is, a part of me really does want that.
I like their apartment. It feels homey and easy. Not at all pretentious. I love Tanya, and I love Levi. It would be so easy to just say yes and have that be that.
But I can’t.
I need more time. I need to think and figure things out. I just need something to happen that will decide for me, like Amara said, because I don’t think I’ll ever really be able to choose. My heart is so divided.
Maybe that’s the problem.
I’m divided and can never fully be whole with either Tom or Levi.
Maybe I should cut and run. Start over somewhere else with someone else.
I discount that the second I think it. I can’t do that. I know that I can’t. So until my heart figures out what it wants, I’m stuck in limbo.
And since I don’t have a good answer for her, I don’t say anything at all. I just continue to hold her. Reassuring her that I’m not going anywhere.
Even as I think this, I realize it’s a lie.
I am leaving.
I’m moving to London. Suddenly, for the first time, my heart hurts at that thought. I pull away, wiping the tears that have sprung from my eyes. “Sorry,” she says, wiping her own away. “I didn’t mean to bring on a crying fest.”
I laugh, nodding. “Sometimes a good cry helps.”
She smiles at that, turning back to the mushrooms. The door to the kitchen swings open and Levi enters giving us both a look that says he likes what he sees.
“Coffee?” he teases. I roll my eyes at him before grabbing a knife and slicing up some tomatoes so I’m not just standing around. “There’s Diet Coke in the fridge, you junky.”
“Hey, no judgments.” I wave the knife around in the air. “We all have our addictions.” I raise my eyebrow before pointedly looking at his coffee.
He chuckles. “Yeah, but at least coffee is a socially accepted standard morning drink. Diet Coke, on the other hand, is pure chemicals.”
“I know, but it’s too late. I couldn’t quit if I wanted to,” I sigh dramatically, opening the fridge to grab myself said soda.
He shakes his head at me as I pop the top of the can with a loud crack, taking a sip. “So, my ladies, what are we having?” He said my ladies so casually that I almost missed it. All three of us stiffen at once, but no one comments on it.
“Frittata,” I turn back to him with a beaming smile.
“Yum. I’ll run down to grab some bagels then.” He leans in and gives me a quick peck on the cheek before I even register what he’s doing. “Come with me,” he says, reaching down to take my hand.
28
Taking my hand, we step out into the cold February morning. The sun is shining down brightly, making it feel warmer than it really is. The streets are packed so we walk along the buildings towards the corner where there is a bakery. The smell of freshly baked breads and cakes waft around me and my stomach growls accordingly.
“I need to tell you something,” Levi says as he reluctantly releases my hand in order to open the door to the bakery for me.
“What’s up?” I ask as we take a ticket and wait in line for our turn.
“I think I’m going to cancel the surgery interview.”
My head snaps to him in complete surprise. “What?�
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He was offered a surgical internship interview at one of the premier hospitals in the country. Does this mean he’s leaving New York?
“Yeah, well, surgery is too demanding of a specialty. Despite what Tanya says, I want to be home more for her. If I take surgery then I’ll be practically living at the hospital and whenever I am home, I’ll be sleeping.” His eyes dance around the bakery before they land back on mine. I see the resolve in them. The desire to do right by his sister. “She deserves someone who will be home with her. She’s a sophomore in high school and she needs me.”
I smile. I don’t know many men, doctor’s especially, who would sacrifice their desired career for their little sister. Especially before it even begins. “I think that’s a wise choice.” I give him a hip bump. “What do you want to go with?” I ask, not ready to question yet if this means he’s leaving.
“Anesthesia,” he says, a small smile edging the corner of his lips. “It still gets me in the OR, it’s challenging, but I’ll have more time. I’ll be able to have a life.” He takes my hand in his again and I realize what he’s saying. That he’s making time not only for Tanya, but for me as well—should I choose to take it.
My heart clenches.
“Dr. Fielding and I had a really good interview, Lara. I think he’d match me when the time comes. Regardless, I’m not leaving New York.” How does he always do that? It’s like I don’t even have to talk; he just reads my every thought without effort.
“I’m sure Tanya is really happy about that.” I don’t know what else to say. I look down, suddenly feeling really guilty. Apparently guilt is my new best friend, because it’s all I’m feeling lately.
Guilt with Tom.
Guilt with Levi.
I’m so sick and tired of this feeling, but I don’t know how to stop it. How to change it.
“Tom gave me a ring,” I blurt out and instantly regret it, scrunching my eyes like a kid who just confessed to breaking something. So much for keeping that one to myself.