by J. Saman
“Goodbye, Lara,” he says, and then hangs up before I can say the same to him. If this were a movie, I’d pull myself up and run to find Levi. Throw my arms around him and tell him that he was right and I was wrong. But this isn’t a movie, and I can’t hang up after ending my two-year relationship with another man only to run into the arms of another.
That’s just not my style.
Especially since I’m so fucking sad right now.
So instead, I allow myself to cry for exactly ten minutes. For ten minutes I wail and curse and rock and shake. I give this cry everything I’ve got so that when it’s over, I can pull myself together knowing that I gave it my best effort. That I mourned us properly.
I love Tom. I just don’t love him enough, and that’s everything.
I take three deep breaths, peel myself off the floor and splash some cold water on my face. It helps. I look like shit, but I feel a little better.
So that’s a start.
31
I hear my front door open and Amara call out to me. I walk into the living room to meet her, but she’s not alone. Of course she’s not. The one time I need her to be alone so I can talk to her while I eat a pint of ice cream, she brings home company.
“Oh. Shit,” Amara says, looking sheepish as she sees me. “Um.” She looks at Levi quickly. “Maybe this isn’t the best time for that little heart to heart.”
I don’t look at him when I say this. My eyes are only fixed on Amara’s. “Doesn’t matter. It’s done,” is all I say, and she nods in understanding with eyes that tell me that she’s hurting for me. Have I mentioned how much I love this girl?
Levi is staring at me like he doesn’t know what to think. I can tell Amara wants to ask more questions, but refrains given our company. A laugh escapes my mouth before I can stop it. My eyes are red, my hair’s a mess, and I’m standing here with my bathrobe open in tiny shorts and a tank top with no bra on.
I’m a hot mess if ever there was one.
“I’d like to have that margarita now, if you’re still up for it?” I say to her.
Now it’s her turn to laugh. “Of course,” she says awkwardly. “I’m just going to go take a quick shower and change. Olivia, Cara, Jay, Grayson and Evette are planning on meeting us at Ariba’s.” Her eyes go to Levi’s for a beat before she crosses the room and envelopes me in a hug. “You okay? We can do margaritas here, just the two of us?”
I shake my head pulling back from her. “No, let’s go out.”
“As you wish,” she smirks.
“Really? You’re gonna Princess Bride me?”
“Bet your sweet tits I am,” she winks. “I’m gonna go shower up. I need twenty.” She plants a kiss on my cheek then she walks away giving Levi a placating pat on the arm as she heads for her bathroom. Levi still hasn’t said anything. He’s staring at me like I’m something out of a horror movie.
I probably am.
“I should go change too,” I say, looking down before wrapping my robe back around myself. “Are you coming out with us or…” I trail off not entirely sure how to finish this. I suddenly remember him and Chrissy in the elevator, and I don’t want to look at him anymore.
I’m starting to think that taking a much needed hiatus from men is the way to go.
I turn and head towards my bedroom, before he calls out, stopping me. “It wasn’t what you thought.”
“What wasn’t?” I ask, not turning back to look at him as I lower my head in defeat. I’m just too spent right now to put much effort into this conversation.
“I ran into Amara and she told me that you saw me and Chrissy together in the elevator, and I just wanted you to know that it’s not what you thought.”
I sigh, my head bouncing with the effort before I shake it. Traitorous Amara.
“You don’t owe me an explanation.” I hear his footsteps across the hardwood as he comes toward me.
“No. I don’t,” he breathes down on my neck. “But I wanted you to know all the same.” His hands touch my shoulders, making me jump a little. “Nothing was happening with Chrissy. Nothing has happened and nothing will happen. She was coming onto me and I pushed her off. I would have explained that to you then, but I didn’t see you there. I already told you. She’s not my type.”
“Okay,” I say, even though I remember him smiling at her. Levi is not one for lying to me about things. He wouldn’t have bothered to come here if that was the case.
“Okay.” He squeezes my shoulders, turning me around to face him. “Do you want me to come out with you to celebrate your birthday? You may recall I’m a lot of fun to do that with.” He smiles playfully.
“Sure,” I shrug, unable to meet his eyes fully. I guess I’m not in the mood for playful either. I’m waiting for him to ask me why I look like this. I wrap my hands around my chest, suddenly feeling way too exposed.
“Do you look like a sexy braless wreck because of the balloons your mother no doubt sent you, or is this something deeper?”
“Well…they are pretty intense.” I look over at the large bouquet. “I’m actually a little hurt that she didn’t include a Mylar My Little Pony one or something.”
He laughs, reaching out and touching my cheek.
“I’m sorry about what you thought you saw today.” He leans into my ear. “But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t fucking ecstatic that you cared.”
I push him away from me. I don’t have it in me right now to explain why I look like something out of The Walking Dead.
“I’ll just wait out here while you get changed.” His lips pull into a smirk. “Unless you want me to help you pick something out to wear? I’m loving the no bra situation you have going on.”
I shake my head, but chuckle all the same. “No, I think I can manage. Bra and all.”
He smiles before leaving me standing at the entrance to my bedroom.
I brush my hair out, apply some makeup to my puffy eyes and throw on jeans and a green sweater. There is no way I can rock a party dress right now.
“Hot,” he says when I re-emerge into the living room. His eyes drop back to his phone as he texts someone. “Personally, I would have gone for a dress or skirt, but I always did love you in green.”
“The consummate flirt Levi.” I walk over, dropping next to him on the couch. “Can I ask you something serious?”
He puts his phone down, looking at me with furrowed eyebrows. “Of course.”
“Is it the memory of me?”
He chuckles lightly, scrunching his eyebrows further. “Is what the memory of you?”
“Why you love me? I mean, you don’t really know me very well anymore.” That’s a lie. He knows me better than anyone. Still. I just need to know for myself.
He turns his body to face me and takes one of my hands, intertwining our fingers. “You’re smart. One of the most brilliant people I know actually, which says a lot, because I’m a genius.” He smirks. “You’re amazing at your job. Not just good at the technical stuff, but you have this way about you that puts all of your patients at ease.” His other hand comes up and cups my cheek. “You’re a wise ass and no one calls me out on my shit like you do. You love my sister, even though she’s the reason I left you all those years ago. You love her so much that you cried over her, and my mother for that matter.” He leans in and kisses my cheek softly. “If all of these weren’t reason enough to love you, you also happen to be the most perfectly gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen in my life.”
I start to shake my head, but he cuts me off with a brush of his lips across mine.
“I love you because you’re you. The girl from my memories, and the woman sitting in front of me. I’ve been watching you for three years, baby. I know who you are and I love everything I see.”
“Okay,” I shrug. “Just asking.”
He laughs loud, throwing his head back and everything. “Then I’m glad we cleared that up.” His laughter dies before his face turns serious again. “Do you remember your birthday we spent together?”
His voice sounds distant now, like he’s remembering that night all those years ago.
“Of course. It was the only one of my birthdays we spent together.” I don’t mean that as a jab, and thankfully he doesn’t take it that way. He just nods with a crooked grin.
“I gave you that Tiffany’s necklace, the one with the infinity symbol.”
I smile for a second before my expression falls. “I lost that necklace.” My hand goes up to my neck automatically. “After you left I searched everywhere for it, but I couldn’t find it. I’d taken it off a few days before for some reason, and that was the last I saw of it.”
Another nod, his eyes still fixed on my face like he’s thinking deeply about something.
“That was the first night you and I slept with each other,” he says.
“It most certainly was not. We reminisced about that night in front of Tom and Tanya.” Just thinking about Tom makes me cringe.
“No, baby. I meant the first night I actually held you in my arms all night while we slept. After the amazing sex, of course.”
“Oh.” I bite my lip to hide my grin, because he was so damn sweet that night. He did everything he could to make it special for me.
For us.
He got us a hotel room in Boston. Took me out for dinner, gave me that necklace, and then made love to me all night. By far and away the best birthday I’ve ever had. We’d only been dating for six months, but you’d never have known it the way he treated me that night. You would have thought we’d been in love forever.
“I have a present for you, but I’d like to wait to give it to you until later, if that’s okay?”
“Um. Sure,” I say, surprised. “You didn’t have to buy me anything.”
He chuckles, moving toward me. “Well, It’s something I’ve had for a while that I’d like you to have.”
“Okay,” I draw out the word scrunching my nose. “That’s sort of cryptic.”
He shrugs, not really caring. “Caleb and Mike are in town for a conference. They’re meeting us as well.”
I laugh. “Really? I haven’t seen those guys in a long time.”
“I know.” His eyes harden. “Mike is particularly looking forward to seeing you.” His tone tells me that he doesn’t like this.
“I didn’t know we were going to see them.” I remove the smile from my face. “Maybe I should go change.” I look down at my outfit. “You know, put on something more fun, sexier maybe.”
“Are you intentionally trying to piss me off, or do you just want me to get into a fight tonight?” he asks, annoyed, but coming closer to me all the same. We’re less than a foot apart now, and despite being in the hospital all day, he still smells good. Our knees are practically kissing on the sofa.
I laugh, feigning innocence, though I doubt I fool him. “Why would my changing piss you off?”
“What’s done?” he asks, changing the subject out of nowhere, but before I can answer, Amara walks back in.
“I’m ready,” she sings out, throwing on her coat and heading for the door. I give Levi one last look before I get off the couch and do the same.
The restaurant isn’t particularly crowded, considering it’s a Thursday. The other hospital people are already here, so when we walk in, they all yell out for me. It’s sort of nice, and considering how bad this day has been, nice feels good.
I’m sad, but not as sad as I feel like I should be. Maybe because it hasn’t really hit me yet, or because I always knew somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind it would come to this. Whatever the reason, I’m smiling instead of crying right now.
I’d texted Sue before my shower earlier, to ask her if she could make my start date for my NP contract September first. She’d texted back immediately with an exaggerated all caps YES. I haven’t told anyone here yet, so when Grayson starts with, “I heard you’re leaving us for London,” I’m not sure what to say.
I look to Amara, who has obviously figured it out. I can feel Levi’s heavy stare, but as I open my mouth to answer with something vague, I hear my name, followed by Levi’s, being called. I turn around in my chair to see Caleb and Mike walking in like they own the place.
They’re all swagger.
I take a moment to look them over, but nothing much has changed with either of them, except for the fact that they look older, more mature. Caleb is still tall and lanky with dark hair and kind dark eyes. Mike is full of appreciative looks as I stand to greet them. He’s taller too, but still a few inches shorter than Levi. Not even six feet. His light hair is shorter, more professional. His bulky arms and chest are visible through his button-down shirt, showing he works hard on his appearance.
He’s good looking—always has been—but he still has that air of sleazebag behind his smiling eyes.
“There’s my favorite girl,” Mike drawls as he pulls me in for a big hug, squishing my chest against his as he drags his hand down my back towards my ass.
Like I said, sleazebag.
I finally extricate myself from his clutches and force a bigger smile than I feel. “It’s good to see you too,” is all I can manage. I turn to Caleb with a look of censure that I’m sure he was waiting for, before I give him a hug. “You’re an ass. Just for the record.”
He pulls away laughing. “Hey, he’s my best boy. What did you expect?”
Levi does the bro-handshake-hug thing that guys do with Caleb, before he gives Mike nothing more than a stiff handshake. There’s never been any love lost between these two. Levi introduces them to everyone at the table, who welcome them with smiles and waves.
Once everyone gets settled, Amara grabs my arm, pulling me up until I’m standing. “I’m going to take my bestie here over to the bar for a birthday shot. We’ll be back in a sec.” She winks at everyone, playing it cool, but I know what this is about. The second we’re out of earshot I get the look. “What do you mean it’s done? What the hell happened?”
32
“We were at an impasse,” I sigh, setting myself down on a wooden bar stool. The bartender is busy across the way, so I wait, staring at the neon tequila bottle above the bar. “He wanted me to move there indefinitely, Mar.” I look to her, turning my body to face hers. “He wanted me to move there forever, get married, pop out some babies, and stay at home raising all of our well-bred English offspring.”
“That’s what he said?” She looks surprised and a bit skeptical. “What happened to a year? I thought this was only for a year.”
“Me too,” I say, annoyed because this part still gets to me. “That’s what it was originally supposed to be, and then a week before he left, they talked to him about the possibility of it being longer, or indefinite, and having him run that office.”
Amara turns her body to face me, swinging her legs on the chair.
“And the asshat didn’t tell you about this before?” I shake my head. “So he put a rock on your finger like he was closing a business deal, and took off knowing that he was going to ask you to stay there forever, pop out his kids and not work?”
I nod. “Pretty much, yeah. He thought that in time I’d be happy with that life even though I wouldn’t be working, and wouldn’t know anyone.” She shakes her head, pursing her lips to the side in disapproval. “I can’t do that, Mar. I love Tom, but I don’t love him enough to give up my entire life to play British socialite mom. It’s just not my style. I keep picturing myself drinking with my pinkies up and having to watch my white-trash mouth as I wear pearls while dressing like Aunt Petunia.”
“Who the fuck now?”
I groan, rolling my head back. “Aunt Petunia. The mean bitchy aunt from Harry Potter. The one who locks him in the room under the stairs.”
“You’re such a dork.” She leans over, hugging me hard before pulling back. “Did he offer to move back? Find a different job that keeps him here?”
I shake my head. “No. He told me this was his dream job and that he wanted to stay in London close to his family.”
“Wow, I just…wow.” She
shakes her head in bewilderment, tapping her fingers on the wood top of the bar. “I never thought he’d try to do that to you.”
I shrug. “Me either.” I look back at the stupid neon yellow tequila bottle that looks like it’s pouring liquid into a glass. “So we ended it. That’s on me, though. I didn’t even consider moving there permanently for him. My first reaction was just, no. I figure that sort of tells me everything, right?” I look over at her with wide eyes looking for validation, I guess.
She nods emphatically. “Shit, Lar. I’m so sorry.”
“It is what it is.” I run my finger across the grain of the wooden bar.
“Better to know this now than to find out once you got there, though. This is for the best. I know you know that, but I just need to tell you that I agree with you.”
“Thanks, Mar. I needed to hear that.” I look down, realizing just how badly I needed to hear that. “I know it is too, but still. Feels better for some reason when you tell me that.”
“That’s because I’m the Oracle. I see and know all.”
“Now who’s the nerd?”
“What’ll it be?” The bartender, who is covered in brightly colored tattoos and facial piercings, asks us.
“Two doubles of Patron, please. It’s my girl’s twenty-sixth birthday, and she just broke up with her fiancé,” Amara tells the woman, like she actually cares.
“Wow. Yeah, I’d say you need a double then,” she winks at us before turning to ready our drinks.
“Nice, Mar. Thanks for spreading my good cheer.”
“Any time, bitch,” she smiles playfully at me, leaning over to nudge my shoulder.
“Here you are. You disappeared on me,” Mike says, squeezing himself in between me and the stool next to me, but instead of sitting down, he continues standing uncomfortably close, with his side leaning against the bar.
“Just having a drink with my roomie here,” I say with an awkward smile, leaning towards Amara without trying to be obvious.