by J. Saman
I shake my head. “I didn’t run into anyone’s arms, Tom.” I peel off my coat throwing it into the closet much the way I did earlier. Levi is still leaning on the door, watching everything between Tom and I. I would have thought he’d want to leave, but apparently that’s not happening. “I went out for my birthday with people from work and yeah,” I point to Levi, “he was there too.”
“Lara, love, we have a lot to work out, and I don’t think we need to entertain an audience with your old lover, do you?” Tom takes another step into the living room. The tension is palpable. Both men glowering at the other.
All I want to do is go to bed.
“Actually, I’m thinking I’ll stay for a bit.” My head snaps over to Levi in shock. Surely he must realize that Tom and I need privacy.
“No offense, mate, but you don’t belong here, and you certainly shouldn’t be spending time in my fiancée’s flat,” he emphasizes the word as he crosses his arms over his chest evidently standing his ground.
“Last I checked she was no longer your fiancée,” Levi says, casually grabbing my hand and holding it up for Tom to see. “See mate, no ring.” Tom’s face falls, but only for a second. That pisses me off.
I don’t like the idea of Levi intentionally trying to hurt Tom.
“Okay, this is just too much testosterone for me to handle right now.” I yank my hand away from Levi’s grasp. “Tom, you and I should talk, I agree.” He gives Levi the most arrogant look I’ve ever seen on his handsome face. “Levi, I appreciate you making sure I got home safe, but I think it would be best if you left so I can speak to Tom.”
Levi’s face turns angry, but his fury is directed only at me now. “You’re kidding me, right? You ended it with him.” Levi points in Tom’s direction without taking his eyes off of me. “What the hell else is there to talk about?”
Tom walks across the room with purpose before he places his hand on my shoulder pulling me a little towards him. “I believe she asked you to sod off. Be a good chap and do that now.”
Levi’s face turns red and I swear I can actually see the rage building. “Levi. Please don’t do this.” I look intently into his eyes, but he’s not looking at me yet. “I need to talk to Tom and that’s all there is to it.”
Levi lowers his eyes to mine and I do my best to wordlessly convey my meaning. Pleading with him to go. He huffs out a huge breath, fuming. “Fine. If this is what you really want.” Without another word, he turns back towards the door that’s still wide open and starts to walk through it before turning back to me. “I wanted to give this to you before I forgot.” He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a small white box.
I walk the three steps over to him and take it out of his hand. My breath catches in my throat as our fingers brush. “Thank you,” I say softly, unable to fully meet his eyes. I’m such a wimp.
“Happy birthday, Lara.” He leans down, placing a soft, wet kiss on my cheek before pulling back and walking away, closing the door behind him. I grasp the small box in my hand before I place it on the table by the door and turn back to a patiently waiting Tom.
“Dove?” he asks, taking my hand into his and pulling me into his chest like he can’t handle the distance between us. “Do you want to discuss all of this now, or rest on it and chat in the morning?” I really want to rest on it. I really want to sleep in Tom’s arms one last night, but I don’t know if that’s fair to either of us. “I’m completely knackered, and I have a meeting tomorrow in the office downtown, but if you want to figure this out now, we can.”
I shrug. I’m so tired and still a little buzzed, and all I really want to do is sleep. I also hate the fact that he just threw a meeting in my face considering he said he flew here for me.
“Where’s your ring?” His tone tells me that not wearing it hurts him. He’s playing with my ring finger again like he used to. I realize he’d been doing that while planning to propose to me.
Walking into my bedroom, I flip on the lights. Leading him over to my bed, we sit down as I open the top drawer of my nightstand and pull out the small red box that has held a residence in here since he left.
“Here.” I hand him the box that he proceeds to open immediately, revealing that amazing diamond ring. Taking it out, he holds the ring for a moment between his thumb and index finger before sliding it back onto my finger.
“Tom—” I start, but he covers my mouth with his, stopping my protest. I kiss him back with ardor, knowing this is for the last time. It feels like sadness and loss. Like love that cannot find its way. It’s sweet and passionate and familiar. But not right.
It’s just not right anymore.
Brushing my cheek with his fingers, he pulls back to look at me. “We can figure this out, love. I’ll try harder to ring you, to make more time for you. You can work as a nurse over there if that’s really what you want. We’ll make this work.”
I shake my head because he really doesn’t get it.
“Tom, I don’t want to live in London forever.” His weak smile falls, telling me that’s exactly what he wants. I reach up, cupping his cheek, playing with the light whiskers along his chin. “I don’t think I’ll be able to work over there. I don’t want to only see you for a couple hours a day, and I’m not ready to get married and have babies.” His face crumples at this and I feel sad, really sad, but that’s all I feel. “I love you Tom, but not enough.”
He shakes his head. “My life is over there now. My work, yeah, but I love being near my family again. Seeing my niece and nephew, my sister, my parents. I didn’t know how much I was missing that part of myself until I went back home.” He plays with the ring that’s still on my finger. “You really don’t think you could come over and give it a go for a bit? See if it could be something you want?”
I shake my head. “If it was only for the year—” I pause, knowing that the new indefinite time limit is not the whole reason. It’s not, but I’m not about to hurt Tom with the full truth. Sure the job thing is a major issue. But I’d be lying through my teeth if I said Levi wasn’t a factor too. Maybe a bigger one than I’ve been willing to admit to. “I know moving there is not what I want.” I settle for instead, squeezing his hand, still touching his stubbly cheek with my other. “My family is here. My life and work are here,” I sigh, but sit up a little straighter. I need to drive this point home to him or we’ll just keep going in circles. “Sometimes us loving each other isn’t enough to make a life together work. We don’t work together anymore, Tom.” I pull my hand from his face and slide the ring off my finger, placing it gently in his palm before closing his fingers around it. “I’m sorry.”
He’s silent for a few moments, just staring at his closed fist with the ring inside of it.
“Don’t be sorry.” Looking up at me, his fingers brush across my face, gazing at me with so much love in his eyes that I feel the sting everywhere. “We gave it our best shot, didn’t we?” He gives me a sad smile. “I’m going to really miss you.”
“Me too.” I throw my arms around him, hugging him tightly, breathing him in one last time. Finding the closure that we needed.
He pulls back with a mournful half smile. “I’m going to go home.” Pulling himself up off my bed, he grabs his coat that was thrown over my desk chair before leaving my room. I stand up to follow him to the door. “Keep in touch with me? Email or message or something. I want to know that you’re doing well.”
Smiling, I nod. “I’d like that for you too.” Then something occurs to me. “Oh wait, your iPad and phone.” I start to run back to my bedroom to get those things for him, but he stops me.
“They’re yours, Lara. I want you to keep them, please. Taking the ring back is hard enough.” He pats his pocket where he put the ring. “I’ll be in touch. Stay safe. I love you.” He leans in and brushes his lips gently against mine for the last time before walking out, shutting my door behind him.
34
I can’t sleep. I’ve been lying in bed, tossing and turning for the last fe
w hours. It’s four-thirty in the morning now and dark out. Still relatively quiet outside my window, but it won’t be for long. Early rush hour will start to pick up soon enough and a new day will begin.
I haven’t seen Levi in almost two weeks.
I mean, I’ve seen him around the hospital, but only in fleeting glimpses or when we’re both surrounded by people. I could have sought him out, but I didn’t. It turns out I needed some space after Tom and I ended things for good. I did love Tom. That was not a lie, and if I had just run into Levi’s arms, I would have devalued that love, and that’s simply something I could not do.
But now I’m restless. Missing Levi in a way I didn’t think I was capable of again.
Throwing my blankets off, I groan. I have nowhere to be today. My classes were canceled today because all of my professors are at a conference. I walk into the living room and spot the white box still sitting on top of the table where I left it weeks ago.
I haven’t been able to touch it.
Now I’m ready, so I open the top of the box and immediately gasp at what I see.
My infinity necklace that Levi gave me all those years ago for my birthday.
I thought I lost it.
Apparently that bastard took it with him.
I smile as I put it on around my neck. It feels right, like it’s supposed to be there and nowhere else. My heart clenches as I think about how Levi left that night. How he’s never given up on me despite everything we’ve been through.
I shower and dress warmly, because as I look out the window I see snow falling.
I’m out my door and hailing a cab before I can think through what I’m doing. The cab flies through the slick, snow-covered streets of Manhattan. The sun won’t be rising due to the snow, but it’s progressively turning a brighter shade of gray in the predawn hours.
“Oh my god, stop the cab,” I yell dramatically. Lurching forward, I almost smack into the protective plastic partition as the driver slams on the breaks. Tossing some cash at him, I fling the door open, throwing myself out of the cab.
The door shuts behind me with a loud bang against the quiet, empty street.
Looking up and down the sidewalk, I don’t see what had caught my eye making me stop the cab so abruptly. Sighing out in defeat, I step onto the sidewalk out of the road. Snow is falling at a faster clip now, covering everything in soft white.
Suddenly I feel so stupid.
What the hell am I doing here?
And at this hour.
“Lara?” I spin around to see a confused Levi holding a large coffee in one hand and a white paper bag in the other. “What are you doing here?” Right, because it’s not even six in the morning.
“I’m sorry,” I start, but then stop, because clearly I didn’t think this through before showing up.
He steps towards me with an apprehensive look. “For what?” he asks cautiously.
“I don’t really know what I’m doing here,” I admit with an uncomfortable chuckle. “Probably should have thought this through a bit more before I ran over here in a cab.” I bite my lip, rubbing my boot around in the snow that’s collecting on the sidewalk. Could I be anymore pathetic?
“Where’s Tom?” he asks, ignoring my discomfort. He’s guarded, angry still and I realize how this sounds and looks.
He thinks I’m here to tell him that I took Tom back. No wonder he kept his distance from me these weeks. My not going to speak to him made it seem like I got back together with Tom.
“London I think, or maybe at his apartment here for all I know.”
He takes a step. “So you’re not back together?”
I shake my head, taking a step towards him. Ragged breaths fog into the morning air, giving away my anxiety. “No. It’s over,” I sigh, closing the distance between us. “It was over the second you and I talked in the deli. It was over the night I stitched up your hand.” I smile. “I was just too stubborn to admit to it,” I sigh again, watching my breath dissipate into the snowflakes that fall all around us. “I loved Tom, Levi, and I don’t want to take anything away from that or from him. But it’s done.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I’m in love you.” I want to reach out to him, but I hold myself back and settle for looking intently into his eyes, so he knows exactly how I feel. “I’ve loved you since I was seventeen years old, and I haven’t stopped since.”
He’s quiet for a beat, simply staring back at me. “I have to go inside.” Okay? That’s not the reaction I was expecting from him. Looking at where we’re standing in front of, I realize that we’re at his apartment building. “Tanya has to leave for school soon and I’m holding her breakfast.” He lifts the paper bag like it’s evidence to the validity of his words.
“Oh, right,” I say, feeling even more stupid and just a tad defeated. Maybe he gave me that necklace as a way of saying goodbye. Maybe he’s finally had enough of me. “Sorry. I didn’t really think this through,” I say again, looking toward the street, hoping that a cab drives by and saves me from this.
Levi walks toward the glass door of his building that is suddenly opened by the doorman. I take a step toward the street wanting to throw myself into it, or maybe the street will reach up and swallow me.
I’m fine with either option.
They both feel like they’d be better than this.
“Are you coming in? It’s snowing and Tanya is waiting.”
I turn to see Levi smirking in the doorway.
“Oh.”
He nods his head towards the elevator. “Come on, I’m freezing.”
I head inside without another word, suddenly all too aware of the doorman who is very professional, and not gaping at me like I’m a moron for standing on the sidewalk in the freezing snow.
Levi presses the button for the elevator with the hand holding the white paper bag. The doors open immediately and after a silent, and very awkward, elevator ride we go inside Levi’s warm apartment. I take off my coat and boots so I don’t track in water, but I linger by the door still not really sure what I’m doing here.
“Tanya, I’m back, and I’ve got a surprise for you,” Levi calls out after hanging up his coat and doing the same with the one he pulled from my shoulders without my asking. He picks up the coffee and bag off the entry table, and moves toward the kitchen without looking or saying anything to me.
Why am I here?
“It better be my breakfast, because I have to leave in like ten minutes if I’m going to meet Megan before school, Levi,” Tanya snaps, coming from the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. “Oh my god!” she screams when she sees me, making my ears ring. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I shrug, because I honestly don’t know how to answer that question.
Her smile falls. “I have to leave for school, so I can’t hang out right now.” She looks so crestfallen. It’s so cute that she assumes I came to see her.
Tanya is such a teenager.
“That’s okay. We can hang out tomorrow if you’re around.”
Her bright smile returns. “I totally am, and I want you to meet my friend Grace because I told her all about you and she’s like totally dying to meet you.” Grabbing the white bag from Levi, who has re-emerged, she fishes through it removing a bagel and cream cheese. Unwrapping it, she takes a large bite, chewing on it with her mouth open.
A small laugh escapes. “Sure, I’d love to meet her. We can go out for lunch or something.”
“That would be killer,” she says through a mouth full of food. Picking up her bag off of the floor, she stuffs some papers from the coffee table into it before throwing it over her shoulder. It looks heavy and her body sways from the weight of it. “I gotta run, but I’ll call you later and we can figure out tomorrow.”
“Sounds great. Have a good day at school.” I hug her quickly before she throws a wave to Levi and walks out the door, the bagel hanging from her mouth. I laugh after closing the door behind her. “She’s so damn cute I
can’t stand it,” I say to myself, looking at the now closed door.
Levi takes my hand and I turn back around to face him, waiting for what, I’m not sure. I have no idea how he’s going to react right now and I’m suddenly really nervous. I showed up here at almost six in the morning and told him that I loved him.
He didn’t say it back.
He didn’t really say much at all actually.
Pulling me with him, he lets go of one of my hands as he leads me down the hall into his bedroom. The room is larger than Tanya’s, has an en-suite attached and a walk-in closet from what I can tell. It’s decorated like a hotel room. White blankets and pillows with navy accents on a king-sized bed. Two small nightstands, a dresser and a navy damask print chair over by the window.
It’s clean I note, somewhat amused, because I don’t remember Levi’s room ever being clean. There were always clothes thrown about or hanging from various surfaces.
Warm wet kisses brush against my neck, making me gasp in surprise. “What are you doing?” It’s such a stupid question that I almost cringe after the words leave my mouth, but at the same time, I’m a little confused.
“I’m kissing your neck.” His soft voice tickles my wet flesh. His hands slide up under my sweater, skimming my stomach before moving to my ribs. A shiver runs through me. “Now, I’m going to take your sweater off,” he tells me seconds before he pulls it over my head, tossing it onto the aforementioned chair.
Spinning around to face him, my eyes are wide with shock. I open my mouth to ask him, again, what the hell he’s doing, when his mouth crashes down on mine taking full advantage of my parted lips. His tongue sweeps over mine in a slow sensual dance that feels both familiar and new. It is heat personified and when we pull back, I’m panting breathlessly.
“I see you opened my birthday present,” he says, equally out of breath.
“Huh?” I’m dazed. “Oh right.” My fingers automatically go up to my neck where the necklace is sitting just below my suprasternal notch. “You had it all this time?” I ask, looking into his eyes that seem so light. Like all of the heaviness that had lived in them before has been lifted.