I watched through the window as he hiked across the street to the motel. "What the hell did he mean by that?" I said.
"He was speaking figuratively, right?" said Laurel. "Like he's helped you do risky things in the past?"
"Yeah." I stared as his light blue sleeves disappeared around the corner of the motel. "That must be what he meant."
*****
Chapter 34
After Laurel and I finished eating, I walked her back across the street to the motel. Got her situated in our room for what I hoped would be the rest of the night, then left to see Duke and closed the door behind me.
At first, I didn't think he was going to let me in. I knocked and called his name with no answer, then did it again and again. Wondered if he was even in the room at all.
I was just thinking about getting someone from the motel office to open the room when I heard the chain lock slide. Then, the deadbolt clicked, and the doorknob turned.
Duke cracked the door and looked out at me. "Hello, Gaia. What can I do for you?"
"Talk," I said. "Got a few minutes?"
Duke looked back as if I'd interrupted something, then checked his watch. "A few." Then, he stepped back and opened the door the whole way. Waved me in with an attitude and let his arm fall heavily at his side, letting me know he wasn't thrilled with the company.
As I walked in, I noticed the TV was off, and the remote control was on top of it. The bedcovers were wrinkled in one spot, at the head of the bed on the nightstand side. The lamp on the nightstand was lit, and a thick book rested at the foot of it. I read the title: Stranger in a Strange Land, by Robert Heinlein.
Duke shut the door and stood stiffly in front of it. "What do you want to talk about?" I could tell he was still angry.
"I want to apologize." Still didn't think I was wrong, but I needed to clear the air. "For insisting we not wait to go to Parapets."
Duke shrugged. "I'm just worried about you. I want to keep you safe. You know that, Gaia."
"Sure I do." I nodded. "And I just want to strike while the iron's hot. Before the killer can make another move and get away from us. You understand, don't you?"
"You make a good point," said Duke. "Not that I still don't think you should wait, of course."
"Of course." I felt better already. Hated to have any negativity between us, ever. "Please don't ever stop looking out for me, Duke. Or telling it like it is, okay?"
"You know I won't, Earth Angel." Finally, he cracked a smile. "I couldn't even if I tried."
I guess I'd known that, too, though I'd needed to hear it from him. "Thank you, Duke." I hesitated before pressing onward, didn't want to risk spoiling things now that we'd made up. But I had to ask. "Now what did you mean when you said you won't help me kill myself again?"
Duke's smile disappeared. "What?"
I folded my arms over my chest. "In KFC, you said you wouldn't help me kill myself. Not again."
"Are you sure?" said Duke.
"Yes." Not a doubt in my mind. The way he was acting confirmed it. "What did you mean when you said that?"
"Just that I'm worried about you." Duke planted his hands in his pockets. "Like I said, I want to keep you safe."
"There's more to it." I locked my gaze with his. "There's something you're not telling me."
He stood calmly, his brown eyes steady, but I sensed his agitation. I knew he was holding back. I could read it in him as easily as I could read where a stone had come from just by touching it. Which was odd.
Because I'd never been a walking lie detector until now.
Duke reached for the doorknob. "Why don't you hit the hay, Earth Angel? We could have a big day ahead of us tomorrow if Corinne or Mahoney come through."
No one in the world was closer to me than Duke. He'd always seemed so up front with me about everything. It hurt that he might be keeping a dark secret from me. "Please, Duke." I sat down on the edge of the bed. "Tell me what it is."
Duke was pulling the door open, and he stopped. "What did you say?"
"Tell me what you're hiding," I said. "Tell me what you meant about not helping me kill myself again."
Duke sighed and closed the door. As he turned to me, I was surprised by the look on his face. I'd expected irritation, maybe anger.
But what I saw was relief.
*****
"Please try to understand." Duke pulled over a chair from the table by the window and sat in front of me. "There are certain things I can't do in this new life of mine."
"Right." For the first time all day, my "smooth sailing" mood was letting me down. I felt like I was on shaky ground, my footing uncertain.
"I'm what some people call a golem. Literally, a man made of earth, animated by magic. But in a way, I'm like a computer," said Duke. "I have to follow my programming." His fingers fluttered slightly, as if he were playing an invisible piano. "I have to follow the instructions given me by my programmer. By my maker."
I nodded. Felt like I was in a daze. He was telling me things I'd never heard before.
"For example, my maker told me to keep secrets," said Duke. "From you. She programmed me to hide certain things. For your own good, she thought."
"Okay." I felt him becoming more agitated. About to reveal something, I could tell. Something important. Even as I leaned forward, dying to hear what he had to say, I wondered if I should have left well enough alone.
"And I've kept those secrets all this time," said Duke. "My programming wouldn't let me do otherwise. Until now." He reached over and took my hand. Squeezed it. Held it. "You see, there was one loophole. One way I could break my programming: if I were given new direct orders by the one who'd programmed me."
I stared at him, utterly confused. Trying to sort out what he'd just said and grasp the implications. "What?" Failing, because they seemed so impossible. "What are you saying?"
"Gaia." Duke gazed at me with such intensity, it was almost a physical force. "You are the one who programmed me. You are my maker."
I thought about what he'd said. Came to a conclusion. "No, I'm not." Pulled my hand from his grip and sat back. "I think I'd remember something like that."
"Not necessarily," said Duke.
I frowned and shook my head. "You're trying to tell me I was with you all these years and never knew I made you?"
"Yes." Duke nodded. "Because you have no memory of your life before this one."
"What life before this one?" I said.
"See what I mean?" Duke managed the weakest of smiles.
But this wasn't a joke at all. He reached for me, and I pushed him away. Got up from the edge of the bed and rushed to the far corner of the room. Everything spinning inside me as if I were a snow globe, and he'd just given me a rough shake.
"This is bullshit." My voice was low and trembling. "Just bullshit." But in that case, what reason could he have for telling me?
"Gaia, listen to me." Duke got up from his chair. "I can imagine how hard this is to take in."
"Let me see if I have this straight. You're saying I made you. But I don't remember making you." I ticked off the points on my fingers. "Because I have no memory of my past life."
Duke rolled his head to one side. Looked embarrassed. "Past lives, actually."
"Past lives? Past lives?" I threw up my arms in exasperation. "How many were there?"
Duke shrugged. "That's something I don't know."
"Then how do you know I had any? How do you know I had more than just this one?"
"I know about the last one because I was part of it." Duke sat back down in his chair.
I felt myself edging toward hysteria. Not because I couldn't follow his story. Not because I couldn't believe him. Because I could. Because I already lived in a world full of things most people would think were crazy and unbelievable. Because this was Duke telling me, and I'd always trusted him. And because, with all the visions I'd been having, it wasn't hard to believe I had past lives under my belt. It actually made sense. And it changed everything.
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I stood still, my back to Duke, and forced myself to take deep breaths. Backed away from the hysteria. As my thoughts came into clearer focus, some of the things Duke had said fell together in my mind. I connected some dots and realized something.
"Oh my God." I spun to face Duke. "You were there at the end of my past life. That's why you said it." My heart pounded like a caged monster in my chest. "That's why you said you wouldn't help me kill myself."
Duke nodded grimly. "Because that's what happened to you in your last life."
I stumbled to the bed and dropped onto the edge of it. "Suicide."
"Yes." Duke hung his head. "And I didn't stop you."
*****
Chapter 35
I stared at the floor, feeling lost. Feeling numb. "Why wouldn't you stop me from killing myself, Duke?"
"Because you told me not to." Duke leaned forward in the chair and folded his hands between his knees. "You made me swear not to try to stop you. So I had no choice, you see? I had to stand there and...watch you do it." He shook his head slowly from side to side. "It was the worst day of my life. Of either of my lives."
"But why?" Looking up, I saw my face in the big mirror above the dresser. So familiar, yet so strange. What had I looked like when I'd died, I wondered. "Why would I want to kill myself?"
Duke hesitated. "Because you found out the truth."
"About what?" I said.
"About yourself." Duke unfolded his hands and started playing the invisible piano again. "About your lives. About all of them."
"Why would that make me want to die?" I said.
"I don't know," said Duke. "You didn't tell me."
"Wait." I frowned and shook my hands in front of me. "I thought you knew about my past lives."
"Not much," said Duke. "Only what little I needed to carry out my programming. To uphold my responsibilities as your moon."
"My moon? What does that even mean?"
"Your helper," said Duke. "Your aide. Your squire, if you will." His fingers bounced through the air with a little flourish. "The latest in a long line, Gaia. Designed to keep you in balance. Brought to life to keep you from spinning out of control."
"The latest in a long line?" I said. "How long? And what happened to the ones before you?"
"I don't know how long," said Duke. "Five, at least, though I suspect there were many more. I only know what I've been able to piece together from old journals and notes." His fingers slowed their playing. "As for what happened to them, it's a mystery. They could be dead or alive for all I know. None of the journals have shed any light on this."
"And you said I made you?" I rose from the bed and stepped up to the mirror. Stared into the reflection of my eyes as if that might somehow jar loose a memory. "When did I make you?"
"Thirty-six years ago," said Duke. "Right after the end of my first life in 1974."
"And you were there at the end," I said.
"Yes," said Duke. "It was one of the worst days of either of my lives. I knew you were going to die anyway, but watching you kill yourself was something else all together."
"Wait a minute." I frowned. "You knew I was going to die anyway? What's that supposed to mean?"
"You were running out of time," said Duke. "You would have died whether you'd killed yourself or not. We both knew it."
"How?" I rubbed my eyes and dragged my hands down my cheeks. "How did we know this?"
"Because," said Duke. "You were nearly thirty years old."
I stared at him as if he were speaking a foreign language. I didn't say a word.
Duke kept talking. "You see, thirty years is all you get. That's how long each life lasts. Then, your time is up."
I nodded slowly. "Thirty years." I walked out to the bathroom and unwrapped a complimentary plastic cup. Filled it with water from the tap and had a drink. My mouth was dry as cotton rolled in sawdust.
I made my way back to the main room, lost in thought. Wondering what all of this meant to me. Coming back again and again to one fact that suddenly had new, ominous meaning.
My life as I knew it had lasted five years so far. I looked twentysomething, I'd always thought of myself in a general way as a twentysomething...but I could only remember five actual years of life. Which meant I had twenty-five years left. Not forty or fifty or sixty.
If Duke was right, I was due to die in twenty-five years.
"So." I had another drink of water. "Thirty years, and poof. Game over."
"And then you start over." Duke drew a circle in the air with his finger. Paused at the starting point, then scrolled around the circle again. "You start the next life. You're reborn."
I scowled. "Not the same, though."
Duke shook his head. "Thirty years younger, of course. You start your new life at a physical age that's the equivalent of your early twenties. But your memory is wiped clean. You remember nothing of the life that just ended."
I thought of the visions I'd had. So many vivid scenes of the distant past, so much stronger than dreams. "Nothing at all?"
"Which is why you need your moon," said Duke. "Because you need someone to take care of you after your rebirth. Someone to guide you when you awaken with no memories."
I drank the rest of the water, then put the cup down on the dresser. Felt strangely calm for someone who'd just been told her whole life is based on lies. Maybe because there was so much to take in, so much to consider. Maybe because it all seemed so unreal. "But why, Duke?"
"Why, what?" said Duke.
"Why any of it?" I sat back down on the bed and leaned toward him. "Why do I die every thirty years? Why is my memory erased?"
"I don't know, Earth Angel." Duke shrugged. "I wish I did."
"There's nothing in the journals you mentioned?" I said.
"Nothing," said Duke. "The only one who knew it all was you, in your past life."
I thought about it a moment. "And if she could find out then, maybe I can do it now."
Duke frowned. "And maybe you shouldn't try."
"But I have to know," I said. "I need to know."
"That's what she said." Duke raised his eyebrows. "And look how she ended up."
"But, Duke," I said. "Don't you want to know the truth about all this?"
"Not bad enough to take the chance the knowledge might make you kill yourself again." Duke reached over and took my hand. "I don't ever want to go through that again, Gaia."
I swallowed hard. Asked the question I'd been afraid to ask until now. "How did I...how did she do it, Duke?" I took a deep breath and released it. "How did she kill herself?"
Duke shook his head emphatically. "I won't tell you," he said. "I'll never tell you." His gaze was unwavering.
I decided not to press the question. "I'm still going to find out the rest," I said. "Laurel knows something, I'm sure of it."
Duke sighed. "Are you different now?" he said. "Since I told you these things tonight? Have you changed?"
"I guess not," I said. Not really, I hadn't changed. Not deep in my heart. I was confused and upset and hungry for more answers, but I was still the same person deep down.
"Do you think it hurt you, not knowing what you know now?" Duke tipped his head to one side and gazed searchingly into my eyes. "Did you live in constant misery? Did you feel lost because you didn't know who you really were?"
I couldn't lie to him. "No, I didn't."
"And do you believe me when I tell you what happened in your past life?" said Duke. "When I say you killed yourself because the whole truth about your life was too awful to bear?"
"I believe you."
"Then please." He squeezed my hand hard. "Thanks to the loophole in my programming, I've given you the warning I've always wanted to give: too much information could kill you. Be satisfied with what you know."
I knew he said it because he cared. I knew he said it for my own good. But I wondered how he could imagine for even a second that I could ever let this go. That I could forget about the past now that I'd had a taste of
it. Now that I knew something terrible had happened a long time ago, terrible enough to drive me to kill myself.
I pulled my hand away from him and shook my head. "Could you, Duke? Could you forget about it?"
Duke nodded. "If my life depended on it..."
"Maybe you could. You're programmed differently, aren't you?" I got up from the edge of the bed and looked at myself in the mirror. Wondered how many lives I'd lived, how many times I'd died. Wondered how many times I'd found out the truth and killed myself. Wondered how many times I'd had this same exact conversation. Felt this same bubble of anger take shape in my heart, dark and demanding. "After all, you were able to keep this secret from me all my life. You were able to look me in the eye day after day and never say a word about any of it."
"I told you, I didn't have a choice," said Duke.
"Whatever you say." As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt bad about them. Especially because I believed him for the most part when he said he'd had no choice. But it didn't matter that I believed him, if you know what I mean. All that mattered was how I felt at that moment, which was angry. Angry that my past was so much different than I'd thought it was; angry that Duke had known all along and said nothing until now. Angry that the one person who was closest to me in all the world had turned out, in a way, to be my betrayer.
"Please, Earth Angel." Duke got up as I walked past on my way to the door. "Please let go of the past."
I turned on him. Didn't bother to hide my anger. "Why should I? It's not like I've got a bright future ahead of me, is it? It's not like I'm not going to die in a few years, is it?"
Duke shrank from me. I could see he felt awful. And at that moment, I'm ashamed to say, I didn't give a shit. I really wanted someone to take it out on, and he was handy, and he was an easy target.
"I need to get out of here." I spun and threw open the door to the warm night air. "I need to get away." From you, I might as well have said. But I guess he got the full message.
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