“What’s wrong, Anna?” he said by way of greeting. To be fair, I think my mouth was hanging open.
“Nothing,” I said, with only a bit of a squeak. “I’m just a bit surprised to see you here.”
“Why?” he asked, ingenuously.
Why? Where should I begin? With the fact that he thought Jack Coltrane not worth serious consideration as a person, let alone as an artist?
“I thought you weren’t interested in art photography,” I said neutrally.
Ross shrugged. The gesture was elegant. “I’m not, really.”
“Then why ...”
I wondered, Did Ross know I was going to be here? Did he come to the opening to talk to me? And then anxiety struck. Did Ross, I wondered, know about last night? Was he here to accuse me of having been in love with Jack Coltrane all along?
“A business associate,” Ross said. “He’s over by that big picture of a fence. Or whatever it is. He’s really into this sort of thing. We’re just stopping by before dinner at Shantung.”
I smiled, relieved. Of course Ross didn’t know about last night. “Well, then,” I said, “I hope your business associate enjoys the show.”
Ross glanced around at the crowded room. “This place is mobbed.”
“I did it,” I said. “This is my event.”
“Oh.” Ross seemed genuinely surprised. “I assumed you were here because you had to be. I mean because you work with Coltrane.” Ross then scanned me from head to toe. “You look great, Anna. Is that a new dress?”
“No,” I told him. “I wore it once before.” Just after you and I announced our engagement, I told him silently. We went to dinner and the symphony. Remember?
“Ah. Well, it looks new. Unfamiliar. You look different. You’re probably wearing your hair differently.”
It wasn’t really a question so I didn’t bother to answer. Because I would have had to point out that a French twist was something Ross had seen many times before. Nothing on the outside was different. Something on the inside was. And Ross couldn’t identify it.
“So, you’re feeling okay?” he said suddenly. “I mean, health-wise?”
“I’m fine,” I told him, wishing he’d move on and join his colleague. “I’m perfectly healthy. Thank you for asking.”
Suddenly, the expression on Ross’s face grew serious. “Anna,” he said, “I’ve been thinking. Maybe we gave up too easily. You know, everything happening so fast ...”
“Ross,” I said. “Please. It wasn’t going to work. We both know that.”
And suddenly I knew that Ross didn’t completely know that.
“We were good together, Anna,” he said, reaching for my hand. “We had fun.”
I extricated my hand from his light hold. “Until the big stuff came along,” I said. “And then look what happened. Instead of turning to each other we turned away. If the pregnancy hadn’t happened, something else would have come along soon enough and we’d be filing for divorce. It was better in the end that things ended when they did.”
Ross shook his head. “Then why do I feel so bad?”
I smiled ruefully. What could I say?
“I miss you, Anna,” Ross said then. “Do you miss me?”
I wondered, Why, oh why, is he doing this? Why at Jack’s big show? Why on Jack’s last night in town? I glanced around the room but didn’t see Jack anywhere. None of my friends. Not even a distant acquaintance glancing back at me. No one to come to my rescue.
I looked back to Ross. “No, Ross,” I said evenly, “I don’t miss you. At first I missed some of the fantasy we built around our relationship. You know, the glamorous life we were going to lead. The spectacular loft. Month-long vacations in Europe. The best restaurants. But not you, Ross. I don’t miss you. I never really had you. How can I miss what I never had?”
It was bold to say what I said. But I thought Ross deserved the truth. Clearly, in Ross’s case, ignorance was not bliss. It was giving him false hope.
The expression in Ross’s eyes hardened. “I see,” he said, coldly. “I shouldn’t have bothered saying hello tonight.”
I thought, He asked a question. I gave him the answer. Now he’s mad at me?
“I’m leaving,” he said, and immediately walked away from me.
“I wish you happiness, Ross,” I said.
He didn’t wish me anything in return.
I spent the next three hours circulating among the guests; answering questions about the work and referring people to Jack for more information; making sure the caterers were doing their job; and sending Rasheed off on necessary errands. I spoke to Jack only once, near the end of the party.
I caught his eye from across the emptying room. He smiled and came to join me. I wanted so badly to fling my arms around him. Of course, I didn’t.
“I haven’t seen you all night,” he said.
“That’s a good thing. It means you were a hit.”
“Not me. The work. And I wouldn’t assume it was a hit just because there were a lot of people gawking at it. I’m sure some of them hated it.”
“Okay, okay,” I said with mock annoyance. “Can’t you just accept a compliment?”
Jack grinned. “Obviously not.”
“Look, you need to say goodbye to this final wave of admirers.”
“Do I have to? I don’t even know that bunch.” We both looked at the small group of people gathered near the door, clutching the last plastic glasses of free wine, and looking with hope back at Jack.
“Don’t crap out on me now, Jack,” I warned. “Just another half hour or so.”
“Okay. You’re right. I’m going.”
I watched as Jack greeted the well-wishers; I watched as they touched his arm and leaned in close, eager to have a part of him. Oh, I thought, now I know what it means to be heartbroken.
92
New Day
“I’ll lock up. Go home, get some sleep. You’ve got to catch that flight.”
Jack hopped up onto the empty drinks table. “No, I don’t.”
“What?” I was bone tired; it was two o’ clock in the morning. It was understandable that I questioned my hearing.
“I cancelled it.”
“You what?”
“I cancelled my flight to the West Coast.”
“What does that mean?” I asked stupidly. “That you’re not going today but you’re going next week? And why are you grinning like that?”
“No, Anna. It means that I’m not going at all. And I’m grinning because I’m happy. Is that all right with you?”
I shook my head but it didn’t clear the fog that had settled there. “Yes, fine, of course,” I said. “But what about your new job?”
Jack’s grin got even wider. “I quit yesterday morning. Well, as soon as it was morning in San Francisco. The partners weren’t pleased, but I have a good lawyer. He’d built in a sort of escape clause in my contract and—enough of the boring details. I’m out of the agreement.”
“Oh. So ...” So, last night, I thought, last night, when we were together, Jack knew he wouldn’t be leaving town ...
“And I cancelled the moving company. They weren’t going to ship my stuff out until next week anyway, so it was no big deal.”
“It’s not like you’d even packed,” I said automatically.
Jack laughed. “How did you know I hadn’t packed?”
“Good guess.”
And something Alexandra had said weeks earlier came to me then. Life, she’d exclaimed, was deliciously uncertain. At the time I’d thought she was being overly dramatic. But now?
Look before you leap, Anna.
It was too late for that, especially after the previous night at Jack’s. It was time to throw every last bit of caution to the wind.
“Jack,” I said, “I love you. I’m in love with you, and I have been for a long time only I didn’t understand what it all meant. My feelings, I mean. I’ve never been good with feelings.”
Jack hopped off the table and too
k a step toward me. “Anna, I—”
“Wait. You don’t have to say anything you don’t mean. Not that you would, of course, but I’ll be okay. I mean, I never assumed you felt the same way about me. You don’t have to feel any obligation to me or—”
Jack took another step toward me. “Anna, will you shut up, please?”
“All right but—”
And then he was just a foot away from me, and then less. “Why the hell do you think I’m staying here in Boston? Because I love the Red Sox?”
“Because of your work?” I whispered. I didn’t dare to believe what I thought might be happening.
“Right.” Jack laughed. “People get married in every city, Anna. People have birthdays and retirement dinners and Sweet Sixteen parties.” He kissed me then, and I knew. “Anna, I’m staying here because of you. I need to be near you. I love you. Why do you think I was skipping town in the first place? I couldn’t stand to see you every day and know I couldn’t be with you.”
“And that I was married to Ross,” I said.
“Oh, yeah, that, too.”
“You just said you love me.”
“I did. Anna, you don’t let me get away with being the guy who avoids his own life. I know it sounds selfish; it is selfish. I get so much from you. What do you get from me? I mean it. I’m not fishing for compliments here. But really, give me a clue.”
I grinned. “Let’s see, where should I begin? You don’t let me get away with being the woman who avoids her own life. You’re never boring. You’ve got a gorgeous face. Your hands are magic. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before. You—”
“Stop,” he said. “You’re embarrassing me. I mean, I’m a guy and I’ve got a guy’s big delicate ego, but enough is enough. I’ll be unbearable.”
“You’re already unbearable. It’s part of your charm.” And then I began to laugh. The enormity of what Jack had done finally hit me. “You didn’t know if I felt the same way,” I said. “And yet you quit your job just like that. You took a huge chance, Jack. You’re crazy.”
“Look who’s talking. You’re getting to be more of a loud pushy broad every day. First you demand I have sex with you—”
“I never demanded. Exactly.”
“Well, you presented a pretty irresistible argument.”
“What if I get too loud and pushy?”
“Won’t happen.” Jack kissed me again, then said, “You’re still Anna. You’ll always be Anna. You’re changing, but you’re still and always Anna.”
93
Wonder
Later that night, early morning really, we lay in Jack’s bed, looking at the ceiling, looking at each other, talking.
“Why was it so hard to get together?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Jack said. “I’m a little rusty in the love business. Anyway, I enjoy a challenge. I’m not complaining.”
“We got what we wanted so what difference does it make how we got it. Is that it?”
“Sure. That sounds okay.”
“And it doesn’t matter,” I said, “that we didn’t even know what we wanted until we almost lost it?”
“Correction. You didn’t know what you wanted. I knew all along what I wanted.”
“Oh, yeah?” I challenged. “Then why didn’t you just grab it? It would have saved us an awful lot of time and miscommunication and loneliness.”
Jack raised an eyebrow at me. I must, I thought, learn that trick.
“Yeah. That would have worked just fine. I’m not a pirate, Anna. I don’t see something—or someone—I want and proceed to pillage, plunder, and rape.”
“I guess I wouldn’t have liked a strong-arm approach,” I admitted. “But when Ross and I broke up ...”
Jack stroked my hair and looked me right in the eye. “What kind of a man would I be if I’d swooped in for the kill when you’d just gone through so much grief?”
I thought about it for a split second. “Not much of a man.”
“Besides,” he said, a sly smile creeping across his face, “I was pretty convinced you had no feelings for me. Other than contempt and scorn, that is.”
“That’s not fair!” I protested.
“I know. I’m just teasing. But you didn’t give anything away, Anna. I figured that even if I waited a decent amount of time before saying something I’d still be rejected.”
I thought about all the miscommunication and said, “Do you think our coming together was so hard because we’re both so damaged?”
“No,” Jack said definitively. “Maybe it took some time because like all human beings we can be stupid and pathetic. But not damaged. I think both of us have a hard time believing we can be happy. Happiness smiles right at us, and instead of smiling right back we turn our heads.”
I rolled over and threw my arm across Jack’s chest. It felt so good to hold him.
“Maybe we won’t do that any longer. Maybe we’ve finally learned that we can be happy.”
“I damn well hope so, Anna, because I’m not getting any younger.”
“Well, neither am I. But thanks for not pointing that out.”
“I’m not entirely stupid when it comes to women. I know you don’t talk about a woman’s age.”
“Not entirely stupid, no. But you still need to learn the social graces.” And then I considered. “You probably never will learn, will you?”
Jack shook his head. “Probably not. I’m an old dog, Anna. No new tricks. Well, at least regarding manners.”
We were quiet for a time and then I said, “They say timing is everything.”
“It’s something,” Jack agreed. “It’s important.”
“I saw that report,” I blurted. “From a summer program you went to as a little boy. I read it.”
Jack laughed. “I’d better watch what I leave around. On second thought, you can see everything. I have nothing to hide. So, it sounded like I was a real pain-in-the-ass kid, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said, “it did. Nothing much has changed, you know?”
“I’d argue if I could. My mother sent that report to me. She was cleaning out the attic and found that and a bunch of other stuff. She said it gave her a real laugh. My mother never lets me get away with anything, either. That’s one of the reasons I love her. And yes, you’ll meet her.”
“I didn’t ask to meet her,” I said, all innocent.
“It was all over your face. She’ll like you. As long as you continue to be you.”
“Deal.”
I wondered, Was our story the kind you could tell the grandchildren? Probably not, at least not until they were old enough to be embroiled in wrong-headed love affairs of their own. Miscarriage, a broken engagement, an unknown child, betrayal. And all the while the right person right under your nose.
No, I thought. Our story was not suited for the very young. Besides, who said there would even be children, let alone grandchildren?
Suddenly, Jack leaned up on one arm and looked down at me. “Look, Anna,” he said, “I don’t like talking about my feelings. But there’s something I just have to say. This might be the last time you’ll ever hear me talk this way.”
“Okay,” I said.
“Anna, you’re like ... It’s like you’re my air. You allow me to breathe. Because of you I can breathe. You’re my soul or my spirit. You’re something ethereal but at the same time absolutely necessary. You’re vital to me.”
I used to resent the body. I used to wish for it to go away. But not anymore.
“Can I tell you what you are for me?” I said. “You’re like my stomach. Something solid and essential and not at all ethereal.”
“Your stomach?” Jack grimaced and fell back onto the bed. “Well, at least you didn’t say your small intestine.”
“Okay, then,” I said, laughing, “my heart, but not in a goopy, Valentine’s Day kind of way. You’re my heart for what it really is. A vital organ. The thing that works for me, the thing with weight and presence. You ground me.”
&n
bsp; “Are you saying I hold you down?”
“No. Grounding isn’t repressing. You’re like an anchor, something that keeps me from floating away and avoiding the real stuff of life.”
“Okay,” Jack said. “Now can we end this conversation before Hallmark offers us a writing contract?”
“Deal.”
“And we’ll never speak of this again?”
“Speak of what?”
Jack pulled me onto him. “That’s one of the things I like about you, Traulsen,” he said. “It might take you some time, but when you finally get something, you really get it.”
94
Checking In
Alexandra was right all along. You just don’t walk away from love.
Jack stayed in Boston and gradually cut back on his event photography business so that he could spend more time pursuing his own work. Within a week he moved his personal belongings from his giant loft into my apartment. As soon as my lease was up I moved my office into the loft. There’s plenty of room in each place for our accumulated possessions. (Jack even likes the badly gilded horse with the clock in its stomach; he’s got it on his bedside table.)
Anna’s Occasions is still going strong. I’ve taken on an intern, a young woman still in college. Her help has allowed me to act as Jack’s manager. He’s had a few shows already, one in New York and another in Connecticut. Sales have been strong, but the money isn’t why Jack does what he does. He does it because he loves it; he does it because he has to. And most of what he earns from this work goes into a college fund for Heath.
Jack, it turns out, is indeed Heath’s father. How we came to learn the truth is a long and messy tale. Suffice it to say that together we faced down Leslie Curtin, Heath’s mother, and won.
Jack and I spend days and nights together, working, sleeping, eating, arguing, laughing, being in love and loving each other.
Marriage?
We’re in no rush to tie the knot. We’re entirely committed to each other; we’ll make our union legal someday. The word elopement has been spoken, and I think it’s a good one. Maybe we’ll get married in Ireland. Both Jack and I have always wanted to go there. I’ll be sure to send my parents a postcard.
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