by Sarah Price
Faith flushed at the reprimand, feeling as if she had to defend her parents’ choice. “Yes, I was raised Mennonite. But my mother had a condition,” she said softly. “The doctors told her to not have more children for fear of dying. It was a miracle that she had me, I’m told.”
From the corner of her eye, she noticed Manuel stiffen at her words and felt the heat of his eyes on her neck. She glanced at him, wondering why he was staring at her. He had known that she was an only child. Certainly Rebecca had told him that and explained that it was due to her mother’s medical condition. But, as this thought went through Faith’s mind, she immediately realized that Manuel must have been thinking of Rebecca. Inwardly, Faith scolded herself for having said too much without thinking ahead.
Indeed, the room fell silent at her comment. The silence felt awkward to Faith. She prayed that the visit would end quickly for she wanted nothing more than to retreat back to the farm, to end this awful day of sitting in living rooms, meeting people that she barely knew or had only just met at the wedding two days prior. Each visit had been uncomfortable for Faith. She could feel Manuel’s family assessing her, trying to size up this new member of their family. Some of them had known her as Rebecca’s friend from childhood. All of them seemed puzzled by her decision to become a baptized member of the Amish church.
“I have something for you, Faith,” the aunt finally said, standing up and excusing herself as she bustled out of the room. Faith wasn’t certain whether she should follow the woman and decided to stay seated next to Manuel, unless he directed her otherwise.
He didn’t.
When the aunt returned, she was carrying a large box with white tissue sticking out of the open top. With great pride, she handed the box to Faith and smiled. “This was my mother’s, Manuel’s grandmother. I have no use for it now and all of my kinner are married. I hope you can put it to good use.”
Faith smiled and lifted the tissue paper from the box. Inside was a large glass bowl, etched along the sides in a pretty floral design. “It’s lovely,” she said. “Danke.” The word felt strange sliding off of her lips but the reaction from Manuel’s aunt and uncle showed their delight in her attempt to speak Pennsylvania Dutch.
“Oh, you are learning our language!” the aunt said, smiling at Faith. “That’s gut!”
Despite their pleasure, Faith felt awkward sitting there, the box on her lap. Manuel shared news about the kinner with his aunt and uncle before inquiring about his cousins’ children. Faith sat there in silence, listening to the questions and not caring about the answers. She just wanted to return home.
When the Petersheim’s finally left the house, Manuel carrying the box as he led Faith toward the horse and buggy, Faith felt the urge to cry. It had been building up inside of her, a pressure in her chest and a lump in her throat. Her eyes began to sting as she fought the urge, not wanting to shame herself in front of Manuel. But the horrible realization continued to bother her: she was a stranger in this new world and she felt very out of place. Nothing was the same and yet she knew that, in reality, she was the one that was different. She was the outsider that had been, reluctantly, brought into the fold and now was expected to adapt.
“You all right?” he asked as he sat next to her in the buggy’s front seat.
She wanted to nod her head, wanted to tell him that she was fine, but she couldn’t. Words would not form on her lips. Instead, she burst into tears and covered her face with her hands, humiliated that she hadn’t been able to contain her emotions and was crying before Manuel.
“Faith?” His voice was soft and tender, full of concern for her tears.
Choking back the sob, Faith waved her hand at Manuel, wishing she could speak. But the tears simply continued to flow down her cheeks and she couldn’t say a word for fear of sobbing aloud.
Next to her, Manuel shifted his body so that he was facing her, the reins held in one hand as he reached up and brushed a stray hair from her forehead. “What is it, Faith? What’s wrong?” In the dim light from the setting sun, she could see the worried look on his face and she knew that she had to respond.
“It’s too much,” she managed to say, trying to hide her face, still embarrassed about her outburst. “I don’t fit in. I’ll never fit in.”
Softly, he chuckled under his breath and put his arm around her shoulders. He pulled her toward his chest, the intimacy of being in his arms startling her and causing her tears to stop flowing. Holding her, Manuel paused to gently kiss the top of her head, just where the prayer kapp was held to her hair with a straight pin. “Oh Faith,” he murmured. “You are fitting in. In more ways than you can imagine.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head against his shoulder. “That’s not true. Not true at all.”
He pulled back and stared down into her tear stricken face. “How can you say that? You are doing a fabulous job with the kinner, with the house…”
“But not with you!” she interrupted, her voice a mere whisper.
“Me?” He seemed genuinely startled by her admission. “I should be the least of your worries.”
Again, she shook her head. “Nee,” she said. “You are the most of my worries.”
He was silent for a moment, his eyes studying her in the slight glow from the battery-powered dashboard. “Me?”
She lifted her hand to her head, putting her fingers over her eyes as she pushed back the pain of the emotions she was feeling. She didn’t know how to explain it to him. Despite the amount of time that had passed, she felt as if everything had happened so quickly and she hadn’t been prepared. Yet, in reality, she knew it had only been two days since their wedding. How could she expect to adapt so quickly? She had a lifetime ahead of her to adjust to her new life.
“Why me, Faith?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said, exasperated. “I guess…well, I guess I just feel like life has moved on for everyone, just continued. But for me, it’s all so overwhelming and different. Everything seems new and strange.”
“What does that have to do with me?”
She dropped her hand and stared at him. “It has everything to do with you, Manuel. I want to feel comfortable with you, to know you and be your friend. But I feel like there is this barrier between us, an invisible shield that I can’t quite understand.” She paused. “How can I be a wife, a true wife, if there is a barrier?”
He reached out and wiped away her tears, a tender smile on his face. “Calm down, Faith,” he murmured, compassion in his voice. “It will all be just fine. You need to give it more time. It will happen.”
She wanted to believe him. “It will?”
“Ja, it will,” he said softly. “Sooner than you’d imagine, no doubt. Indeed, I think we are well on the way to being friends, very good friends, and getting to know each other better.”
She sniffled and reached her hand up to touch his. The gesture startled him and he tilted his head. She pressed her cheek against his hand and stared at him. “We are?”
He nodded. “Ja, we are.”
She hesitated, just long enough to bite the corner of her lip as she held his gaze. Her courage grew within her and she clutched at his hand. “Then please, Manuel, please do me a favor.”
That smile. Soft and tender. It warmed her heart when she saw it cross his lips. “Anything, Faith. Anything if it makes you feel better.”
She shut her eyes and sighed. Yes, she thought. That was exactly what she needed to hear. “Kiss me, Manuel. Please.” She opened her eyes and looked at him. “Kiss me like you did yesterday on the porch.”
Her request startled him. She could see that from his reaction. Yet, she saw him lean forward, slowly, and, with his hand on the back of her neck, he pulled her close to him. His lips found hers and, with a softness that she only remembered from her memory of the day before, he kissed her. Gentle, timid, and patient. She shut her eyes, feeling herself press against him, her hand touching his shoulder under his jacket, the fabric of his shirt soft against her h
and and his muscles warm under her fingertips.
When he pulled away from her, he rested his forehead against hers and sighed. “Faith,” he murmured, his eyes shut. “What are you doing to me?”
This time, it was Faith that was startled. “What am I doing to you?”
He sighed and shook his head slightly, lifting his hand to touch her cheek. “It’s not time yet.”
She felt a wave of frustration and wanted to tell him so. The reality of their marriage was dawning on her, the magnitude of their union creating her distress. She needed to forget the past and move forward, become his wife and feel like a wife. She needed to be more than a wife in name but in all aspects. But she didn’t know how to tell him and she feared that doing so would be pushing it. Besides, deep down, she knew he was right. “I just need to know,” she finally whispered.
“Know what?” His words were soft and tender, nothing accusing or judgmental. In the distance, a horse and buggy rattled down the road beside his uncle’s farm. They listened to it, the noise musical as it approached. When the sound started to disappear again, the buggy moving further away, he caressed the side of her cheek. “Know what, Faith?” he repeated.
“That you care.”
“Ah,” he said, pulling back just a touch, a slight distance between them. “You need to know if I care, ja?” He chuckled under his breath, his finger still caressing her skin. “Do you really think that I would have agreed to marry you if I didn’t?”
“But, the children…” she started to say, suddenly realizing how little thought she had put into the arrangement. It had been agreed upon, by both of them, under the guise of the children. Yet, in reality, she knew that there was something deeper between them, a seed that had sprouted roots many years ago but had lain dormant until just recently.
“The children, ja,” he said gently. “But also you.” He leaned forward again and gave her a soft, gentle but chaste kiss. “You showed me that my life must continue, Faith,” he said. “Rebecca would have wanted that. The children want it. I want it, too. And I would prefer my life to continue with you by my side rather than anyone else.”
Despite the abrupt end to the moment, she felt as if she had learned something, a marvelous something that made her warm inside. It was just what she needed to know, what she had wished she had known all along. Deep down, Manuel wanted to fall in love with her as much as she wanted to fall in love with him. Indeed, she thought as the buggy lurched forward and moved out of the driveway, the seed was beginning to grow, a new growth, sprouting through the dirt and reaching toward the sun. With enough nurturing, she thought, surely it would bloom into a beautiful flower that exuded love.
They rode home in silence, words now being unnecessary. The silence gave them both time to reflect on what had just happened. She felt him shift his weight, moving the reins back into one hand so that he could reach down with the other and hold hers. The timing of his tender gesture was perfect, the right touch at the right moment and her heart swelled, a wave of emotion washing over her. Indeed, if they had not courted before, he was giving her that time now so that they could become a real couple in time, a strong partnership with shared emotions, before either of them felt pressured for more. That realization caused her a moment of joy as she had never felt before and she said a silent prayer of thanksgiving to God for having guided her down this path.
The farm was dark when they pulled into the driveway. Manuel helped her off the buggy, pausing to squeeze her hand before motioning that she should go into the house while he untacked the horse. She reached into the back of the buggy and took the bowl that his aunt had given to them. “Send the boys out, ja?” he said quietly.
She nodded and hurried to the house.
From the porch window, she could see the bright glow emanating from the propane light in the kitchen. She was always amazed at how brilliant those lights glowed and had learned long ago to never look directly at one. Opening the door, she carefully balanced the bowl in her hand before she slipped inside. “Hello?” she called out, feeling strange as she entered the house. During her months of helping with the children, she had rarely been in the house at night. It felt odd entering it without Manuel beside her.
“Mamm?”
Sadie and Benjamin ran around the corner, laughing as they tumbled into her. “Why, that’s a lovely greeting!” she said, setting the bowl on the counter before she took off her black shawl to hang it on a peg. Then, bending down, she let both children hug her. “Certainly we weren’t gone that long!”
“We’ve been waiting for you!” Sadie giggled, practically jumping up and down in delight.
“You have, have you?” she asked. “Whatever for?”
Mary blocked her from coming into the kitchen. “Wait for Daed,” she said joyfully. “Wait for Daed before you come into the kitchen.”
It didn’t take long for Manuel to come inside to find out where the boys were. He had already unharnessed the horse. “Wie gehts?” he asked, taking off his hat. “I thought the boys were going to come help, ja?”
Faith raised her shoulders in a teasing shrug. “I’ve been held hostage here in the washroom until you came inside,” she said lightly.
“Ah,” he said, a twinkle coming to his eyes. “Vell, I am here now.”
“Come see what we’ve done!” Sadie cried out happily, clapping her hands and laughing. Without waiting for an answer, Sadie grabbed Faith’s hand and dragged her into the kitchen, Manuel following close behind.
“Oh help,” Faith teased, delighted with the joyous welcome they had received upon their return.
As she stepped through the doorway of the washroom into the kitchen, she caught her breath and stood still. Anna and Mary stood by the counter, smiling broadly. Ruthie was in her high chair, waving a spoon in the air and gurgling happily. Even Gideon was nearby, a big grin on his face.
The table was set with a white tablecloth and fancy plates at each seat. It was a special set of china that Faith had never seen before. Each of the glasses matched, unlike most nights when there was a mixture of glassware and plastic cups for water or milk. In the center of the table was a vase with pretty flowers in it which, upon closer inspection, Faith noticed were not real, a fact that touched her heart even more. “What on earth?” she said, taking in the scene before she looked at all of the children. “What is this?”
Sadie clapped her hands, barely able to contain herself. “We made you and Daed supper!”
Gideon stood by the sofa next to Benjamin, proudly puffing out his chest as he beamed at his daed. “And Ben and I…we already took care of the evening chores!” he said, a grin on his face.
Anna reached over and placed her hand on Sadie’s shoulder. “We wanted to surprise you.”
“Well,” Faith started, fighting the all too familiar lump that grew in her throat. Only this time, it was for joy, not fear. “You sure did that.” Indeed, the gesture touched her profoundly. The kindness and thoughtfulness of what the children had done, working together, while she and Manuel had been gone for the entire afternoon, spoke volumes about their character as well as how much they thought of others before themselves.
She glanced at Manuel and noticed that even he was moved. He cleared his throat and had to glance away for a moment. After the stress of the visits and their talk before the ride home, this was, indeed, a warm welcome from the part of the kinner.
They sat at the table and Manuel signaled for everyone to bow their heads in silent prayer. Faith shut her eyes and prayed to God, thanking Him for the many blessings of the day and asking for guidance in continuing to follow His word. Yet, even as she prayed these words in her mind, she felt a glow within her, one that let her know that He was pleased with her decisions. As the realization came, she felt lighter and calm, a peaceful sensation falling over her and she lifted her eyes, surprised to see Manuel watching her. Immediately, she blushed, wondering if he had seen her spiritual transformation during the prayer over a simple meal. Glancing away, she smil
ed at Anna who sat beside her, pausing just long enough to reach out her hand and touch the girl’s arm.
“Danke, Anna,” Faith said. “Your mother would be very proud of you.”
Once again, after the meal, the three girls helped Faith while Manuel sat in his chair, this time holding Ruthie as she chewed on the ear of a stuffed bear that she held in her hands. The two boys were sent to take their Saturday bath so that, when the girls were finished, the rest of the family could wash in preparation for Sunday service.
“I’ll take Ruthie,” Faith said as she dried her hands on her apron before reaching for her. The baby cooed and giggled, holding out her arms for Faith to take her. “Someone needs a tubby, ja?”
Manuel looked up at her and tried to hide his smile. Benjamin and Gideon snickered amongst each other while Sadie made a funny face at her daed.
“What’s so funny?” Faith asked, pretending to be offended.
He glanced at the children who had also heard Faith’s use of the word “ja”. It was clear that they all shared a secret chuckle but, rather than let her in, they merely shook their heads at Faith, proclaiming their innocence in any sort of teasing.
Faith raised an eyebrow, knowing full well what she had said but letting the father and his children share their private joke. Inside, her heart swelled with joy at the interaction between Manuel and the kinner. She was seeing a new side of him, one that was full of light and love. Just as Lydia had said, Manuel was full of surprises, tender and generous in nature. For the first time in months, Faith felt true happiness in the house.
By the time that all of the children were bathed and dressed for bed, it was almost nine o’clock. Tucking in the smaller children, Faith sat by their beds as she listened to their evening prayers. The older children prayed silently and didn’t need her attention, beyond a pleasant “Good night and sleep tight!”
With darkness outside and the glow from the propane lamp filling the room, Faith felt the return of her nighttime jitters. She walked down the staircase, lingering briefly on the bottom step as she caught sight of Manuel standing by the window. He must have gotten up to retrieve a cup of water for the counter had been cleared before she went upstairs but now there was a blue plastic cup by the sink.