Embarrassing True Stories

by Oliver Gaspirtz

  THE FIVE SECOND RULE

  You know the Five Second Rule? They say it's ok to pick up food off the floor and still eat it, if it was on the floor for less than five seconds. One day I was driving in the car with a friend of mine. He is pretty tall and moved the seat back. Suddenly I saw an old gummy bear lying in front of his seat. It must have been there forever. Without thinking, I picked it up and ate it. My friend just stared at me and said: "Did you just eat a dirty old gummy bear off the floor? GROSS!"

  I'M NOT SHAKING YOUR HAND

  My wife and I had 2 dogs. They were rescues. One of them pooped in the house every now and then. One day I called a handyman to get some work done at our condo. The guy was at the door, and when I was about to open for him, I saw that our dog had pooped in the hallway, right in front of the door. I didn't want the handyman to see or smell that and think we're dirty, so I wanted to pick it up quickly, before he came in. I yelled for my wife to bring me a paper towel or some newspaper, so I could pick it up. But she didn't hear me.

  Meanwhile the handyman was getting impatient and rang the doorbell again. No time, I thought, and just grabbed the pile of dog shit with my hand. Luckily the turds were pretty solid. I hid the hand full of shit behind my back and opened the door. He came in and had a funny look on his face. I guess he could smell it. So I showed him my hand full of poop, and told him: "Sorry, my dog just made right in front of the door, and I didn't want you to step in it." He looked at me like I was crazy, when he saw that I had picked it up with my bare hands.

  ALMOST KILLED BY A GUMMY BEAR

  I love gummy bears. Especially the red ones. One night my wife and I were in bed, watching a movie, and I was eating some gummy bears while lying down. Probably not the best idea, especially because I have always had a fear of choking on food. And gummy bears are so squishy, they slip down your throat very easily. Especially when you're lying down.

  Sure enough, that's exactly what happened. A gummy bear slid down my throat, and I started to choke. I couldn't breathe and I seriously thought I was going to die. My wife tried to help by slapping me on the back. That really wasn't helping at all. At the last second I was able to cough it up. It was a red one. I almost got killed by a red gummy bear.

  I told my wife how scary that was and she told me to stop eating gummy bears in bed. I told her that it was ok, that I'd be more careful from now on.

  We continued to watch the movie, and I ate a few more. After two or three minutes, another gummy bear slid down my throat, and I choked again. I couldn't believe I would be so stupid to let the same thing happen again within minutes from almost dying. I thought this time surely I was done for. My wife kept slapping me on the back and kept yelling: "I told you so!" Big help.

  I saw my life passing before my eyes, but at the last second the gummy bear finally dislodged. Another red one! Traitors. I thought they were my friends.

  MY NEANDERTHAL FAMILY

  My wife and I live in Chicago. I have relatives in Romania. One day, Greg, a distant cousin of mine just showed up at my house.

  There was a knock on the door, and when I checked, there he was. I couldn't believe my eyes. I had only seen Greg one time, years ago, during a vacation in Romania. Back then I had been on a trip with my parents, to visit some distant relatives whom we had never met before. I had met him briefly during that trip, for maybe 5 minutes or less, shook his hand and politely told him that if he was ever in America, he should stop by. You know, it's just one of those things you say when you have absolutely nothing else to say.

  Apparently he took that literally. If at least we had been in contact before he just showed up, that would have been different. Or if at least he had called ahead of time. But no, he just showed up out of nowhere one day, and said: "Hello, remember me? I'm your cousin Greg from Romania." He ended up staying with us for a few days. He was on his way to relatives in New York.

  I tried to explain who he was to my wife, who looked at me like I was crazy when I invited Greg in. What else was I supposed to do when he just showed up at the door? I tried to tell her that apparently they have different customs over there, and that this wasn't weird. But she looked at me like my relatives are savages. It didn't help any that he kept picking at his toenails on the living room couch, or that whenever he used the bathroom, he left the door wide open, so that my wife and I could see him do his business. He was like a real life Borat.

  THAT'S ONE WAY OF DEALING WITH IT

  I hate insects. Bugs and spiders creep me out really bad. When I see a bug, I scream at the top of my lungs, as if someone was being murdered. I can't help it. My husband hates when I do that. He told me that if I keep screaming like that over a stupid little bug, then one day, if something really terrible happens, nobody is going to take my screams seriously anymore, because I cried wolf one too many times.

  One night I was in the kitchen, fixing dinner, when I saw a big fat bug on the wall. I screamed my head off again, and called my husband for help. He was in the bathroom, and he was not going to get up and get out just for a stupid bug. My screams left him totally unmoved by now. I was on my own.

  I ran in the laundry room, grabbed the vaccum cleaner out of the closet, ran back in the kitchen and sucked up the bug. Then I threw the whole vaccum cleaner in the trashcan outside. When my husband came out of the bathroom and I told him what happened, he said I was nuts. I did feel kind of stupid for throwing away a perfectly good vaccum cleaner.

  SOMETIMES LESS IS MORE

  I'm African American. I use product in my hair. A co-worker at my new job and I both like playing Xbox games. I had never been at his house before. He invited me over and we played Call of Duty all night. When it was time for me to leave at the end of the night, I got up and said bye. He had a black leather couch and he was staring at the spot where I had been sitting. My hair left a big oily, greasy stain on the back of his couch. He never asked me over again.

  IS THAT AN ICICLE?

  It was Christmas time. We had decorated the bushes in front of the house with colorful lights. At the end of each night, I had to go outside and unplug them.

  It was late, and I was ready to go to bed, when my wife reminded me to go turn off the lights outside. I was wearing boxer shorts and a t-shirt. It was freezing outside, and I felt the cold nip at my privates as I walked down the stairs towards the bushes. Man my junk was getting ice cold!

  Then I looked down and saw that my dick was hanging out of the opening of my boxers. No wonder it was so cold! I hope none of the neighbors saw me flash them.

  GAG REFLEX

  My boyfriend and I were having sex. I decided to treat him to a blowjob. He liked it. A little too much. He came very quickly. I didn't expect it so soon, and he came in the back of my throat, and it made me gag so bad, I threw up on his stomach. How attractive!

  I couldn't even say anything. I just ran in the bathroom, covering my mouth with my hand. When I finally came out, he had taken the sheets off the bed and used them to clean himself up. I told him I was so sorry, and he said that no he was sorry. Then we put fresh sheets on the bed together and he took a shower. I pretended to be sleeping when he got out. I was sooo embarrassed!

  CONDOM MAGIC

  My new girlfriend and I were having sex for the first time. I'm no good with condoms, so she had to put it on for me. Then we started doing it, and it felt great. I didn't even feel the condom. After I came and pulled out, I saw that the condom wasn't even on me anymore. It had slipped off in the middle. I looked around the bed between her legs, but didn't see it anywhere. Then she looked at my dick and also saw that the condom had disappeared.

  "Where's the condom?" she asked with a look on her face that was angry and scared at the same time.

  "I don't know. I think it's still inside of you."

  "Get it out! GET IT OUT!!!" she yelled.

  She stuck her finger all the way inside of her and tried to retrieve it, while yelling at me in a panic the whole time, because she couldn't reach it. My fingers are lo
nger, so she told me to try. But I couldn't reach it either. Then she jumped off the bed and ran into the bathroom. I was getting scared. I heard about toxic tampon symdrome or whatever it's called. Having a foreign object in there for too long can be dangerous. What if she had to go to the hospital now to get it out?

  But then she finally came out of the bathroom and said she got it out. That night didn't exactly make me like condoms any better.

  TO EACH HIS OWN

  My boyfriend was going down on me, and suddenly I farted. I was so embarrassed, but he acted like it turned him on, and he said: "Ohhh yeahhh, baby, fart on my tongue again!"

  Eeeew! That was so gross!

  MY BUNNY IS LOOSE!

  I used to have a little white bunny called Snowhite. It was so cute and its fur was so soft. My friends and I loved to pet it. One day my best friend Amanda and I were sitting on the porch, next to the bunny cage, and suddenly I saw Snowhite running through the bushes in the backyard! Somehow it had gotten out of its cage, and it was running away. I jumped off the porch into the yard and started chasing the bunny around the yard. I looked under every bush and kept screaming for my best friend to come help me. I was so afraid to lose my pet, I screeched like the house was on fire. My best friend was still sitting on the porch, watching me and laughing.

  "What's so damn funny?" I yelled.

  Then my friend yelled back: "I don't know what you're chasing out there, but Snowhite is right here in her cage."

  I don't know what the hell I had seen running through the yard. Maybe a cat or something. But I felt so stupid for overreacting like that.

  I'M NO GYMNAST

  I was spending a day at the beach with this beautiful girl I had been interested in for a while. I was trying to show her my best side. Things went pretty well. After we were done at the beach, we walked back to the car. The street was wet and slippery, and my flip flops lost traction. I started to slip, but tried to catch my fall somehow, in an elegant yet manly fashion. That didn't work out so well. I went down in slow motion, and somehow I ended up doing a split.

  MY FIRST STRIP CLUB VISIT

  My buddies took me to an all-nude strip club. It was my first time in such an establishment of ill repute. They made me sit right by the stage and gave one of the girls a couple of bucks. She was girating right in front of my face, totally naked, with her legs spread and her crotch in my face. Then she took my water bottle, removed the cap, put the bottle between her legs, squeezed it and emptied the content inside of her. Then she squeezed the water out of her vagina at me, as if she was peeing. All over my face, my shirt and my lap. There was nothing sexy about that. I was traumatized and speechless. I just looked at my buddies, while they were cracking up and laughing so hard, they almost fell off their chairs. Not cool, dudes. Not cool.

  FIXING A BROKEN SEX TOY

  My wife and I had a sex toy called Mr. Nubby. It was a bright pink rubber cock ring with a vibrating top that stimulates her clit. One day it broke. We decided to try to fix it. Her father was our landlord and he had a little workshop full of power tools in the basement. We went downstairs and tried to figure out a way to use one of his small screwdrivers to take apart Mr. Nubby. We felt like surgeons performing a delicate procedure. We were so involved in Mr. Nubby's inner workings, that we didn't even realize that her father had walked in on us and was watching us for a few seconds before he asked in his thundering voice: "What the hell are you two doing?"

  I just dropped the screwdriver, grabbed the cock ring, jammed it in my pocket and hurried out.

  SEXTING DAD

  My boyfriend was out of town for a few days, so I decided to brighten his day by texting him a nude picture of myself. As soon as I pressed the send button, I realized I accidentally sent the nude selfie to my dad, not my boyfriend. Oh my God! I freaked out! My heart was pounding. I tried to stop my phone from sending it by pulling the battery out. But it was too late already. As soon as my phone was back on, my dad was blowing up my phone and leaving angry voice messages: "What the hell? Call me back RIGHT NOW!"

  I really didn't want to, but I thought hearing him yell at me on the phone was better than if he yelled at me in person, possibly at the dinner table. So I called him back and he told me that I need to stop giving it away, that he's gonna kick my boyfriend's ass, and that all men are pigs. Good ole Dad.

  PUUUSH!

  My wife was giving birth to our first baby. We had been taking classes together during her pregnancy, and I kind of knew what to expect. I knew that some guys pass out while watching their wife give birth. But I didn't think I was that kind of guy. I was wrong.

  When the day came, and my wife was pushing and pushing, she pooped herself. And then the baby came out. It was all just one big huge mess. Very unattractive. It was an image that can scar you for life. And I suddenly felt very nauseous and light-headed, and keeled over. Yupp, I'm one of those guys.

  PLAYING WITH FIRE

  As a kid, I had a sandbox in the backyard. One day I decided to build a furnace. I piled a mound of sand in a corner of the sandbox and then hollowed it out. I put some Star Wars action figures in it, lit them on fire, and watched them burn in the little sand oven I had built. I didn't realize that the back wall of my furnace was the wooden wall of my sandbox. The wood plank started to smolder, and suddenly my sandbox was on fire. We had a little fish pond, and I used a bucket to pour the pond water on my burning sandbox. By the time I was done, the little pond was half empty, and my sandbox was a smoking wreck. When my parents came home at night, they gave me weird looks and asked me if I had played with fire. I said no, but they didn't believe me. When I had sat in the sandbox, with my face close to the ground, near the hole of my little furnace, I sat so close to it, I had singed off my eyebrows. So as soon as my parents saw me, they knew.

  MY FIRST TIME BOWLING

  I went bowling for the first time. I didn't know the rules, so my best friend told me how it all worked. She told me the line on the ground was a bonus line, and that if I run towards it really fast and then throw the ball within 3 feet after the line, I get a higher score. So I ran towards the line as fast as I could, swung the ball, slipped, slid down the lane on my butt, and the ball jumped 2 lanes over. Everyone in the bowling alley saw my little performance, and they all started laughing at me. I was so humiliated, I ran into the bathroom and cried. My friend came knocking on the bathroom door and laughed and apologized. I finally came out of the bathroom about an hour later.

  NOT VERY PROFESSIONAL

  After the real estate bubble burst, there were lots of cheap houses for sale at auctions. I flew from New York to Florida to look at a bunch of these houses. Most of them were locked and you could only enter them with a realtor. I didn't have enough time to meet up with a realtor for each house, so I just peaked through the windows. At one of the houses, near Miami, I peaked in and when I moved back from the window, I saw this giant bright yellow and black spider, about the size of the palm of my hand, dangling a few inches from my face. I shrieked, stumbled backwards and tripped over a bush. A bunch of local real estate investors saw me fall and cracked up laughing.

  STUCK TO THE CARPET

  When I was younger, my teeth were really bad, so I had to wear braces for six years. It was torture! My two younger brothers and I used to fight sometimes, as all siblings do. One day my brother Jason and I were fighting each other on the living room floor and he had me pinned on the ground, pushing my face into the carpet.

  My braces got caught in the carpet fibers. I was freaking out, while both my brothers were hysterically laughing at me. They thought it was hilarious. They didn't help me, because they knew I was so furious, I would beat the crap out of them. They left me there, until my mother got home.

  AT LEAST IT'S NOT THE BLACK PLAGUE

  I had some big pimples on my butt that got worse and worse. Finally I went to the doctor, and he told me I had boils. Boils? Who has boils anymore in the 21st century? That sounds like something people used to get in Victorian Eng
land, or on the Mayflower. The doctor told me I may have caught them from skin contact during sex.

  When I went home, I told my boyfriend what the doctor said. Then he told he used to have boils but that he thought they were all gone. I was so pissed at him, but he acted like it was no big deal that he gave me an STD. He didn't even say he was sorry. I broke up with him.

  WALK OF SHAME

  I was in a club with my friends. We were dancing, drinking and having a good time. I had to go to the bathroom. There was a pretty long line. When it was finally my turn, I went number two and it smelled really bad. I don't know if it was something I ate that night, or what. But it was awful. As I came out of the bathroom, and the next girl went inside, I heard her say, loudly: "Damn, it REEKS in here. DISGUSTING!" Everyone in line heard her say that, and looked at me as I walked past them.

  RODEO GIRL

  At rodeos, they have an event called Goat Tying. There's a goat at the end of the arena. It's a timed event, so the contestant has to ride her horse as fast as she can, jump off the horse, usually while it is still running, catch the goat, throw it down and tie three legs with a piggin' string.