K2 ALMOST KILLED ME
One night my female friend and I were sitting on her cousin's living room couch, while he was sleeping in his bedroom. We both had our laptops on our laps, and surfed around the web, looking at videos on Youtube and listening to MP3s. She and her cousin both loved to smoke fake weed, also known as spice or K2. I don't do drugs, but I figured, how bad could K2 possibly be, if it's legal? I thought it was just a harmless novelty item like the fake dog poop they sell at Spencer Gifts.
I took a few drags of her glass pipe and suddenly I got so high, my brain shut down. I must have had an allergic reaction to that stuff or something. When the song I listened to on my laptop was over, I could not figure out how to restart it. She noticed I was a bit off, and asked me if I was ok.
I grunted "hnnngghh hnnggghh" because I couldn't even say no anymore. She started to get worried and woke up her cousin. They debated whether they should call an ambulance, because I was catatonic. I stopped breathing, and she kept coaching me to breath in and out. They handed me orange juice. I held the cup with both hands, but I couldn't even figure out how to drink and breathe at the same time. Then his dog came over to me. I thought the dog was an angel. Then I thought she was angel. I tried to focus on a pencil on the floor, because I felt it was my last link to reality, and if I let go of the pencil, my mind was never going to come back to the real world. I thought I was going to be a vegetable, drooling on myself in a nursing home for the rest of my life. I finally came back to the world after about 3 hours. I am never ever touching that stuff again.
WEIRD NEIGHBOR
This guy down the street was a loner. My wife and I felt bad for him, so we asked him if he wanted to come over and hang out with us, watch a movie, and just chill with friends. He did come over a few times. He was a nice guy. Quiet, shy, a bit weird, but not the lunatic we were afraid he might be, after we had heard that, although he was in his 30s, he had a legal guardian due to his mental problems. One day, when he fell asleep on our couch during a movie, I drew a red dot on the tip of his nose. It was just a friendly prank. But he got so offended, he never talked to us again. I feel bad about it now.
PEEP SHOW
It was my wedding day. My mom, my sister and my best girlfriend were in the dressing room with me, trying to help me put on my wedding gown, without messing up my hair and make-up. Because of the way the dress was cut, I wasn't wearing a bra, so I stood there topless for quite a while.
Suddenly my mother-in-law and my husband's sister came in. I was embarrassed to be standing there topless, because I really didn't know them that well. But they acted like it was no big deal. They kept coming in and out of the room every few minutes. It made me really uncomfortable. But what made it even worse was that every time they opened the door, one of the other wedding guests walked by the door and caught a glimpse of me in all my topless glory. I probably flashed at least half a dozen people on my wedding day.
NOT VERY NICE
I had a huge crush on this girl in our High School band. She played the clarinette. One day, during band practice, I finally had the courage to walk over to her and say hello. I was scared, but I figured what's the worst that could happen? So I'm standing there, really nervous, talking to her for a few minutes, trying to make small talk. There were some moments of awkward silence, but all in all I thought it went better than I had anticipated. She had this frozen half smile on her face the whole time. Then all of a sudden, during another awkward pause, she just said: "Ok, you can go now." Her two friends sitting next to her giggled. I can't believe she shot me down like that. How rude! What a bitch.
ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS
When I used to work as an escort, I was arrested for prostitution once. I was going on an outcall, which meant I was going to the guy's house, instead of him coming to my hotel room for an incall. When I got to the house, I had a bad feeling. It was a beautiful house, but it was obviously a builder's fully furnished model, not actually someone's home. Somehow I had the feeling that this was a sting operation and the guy was a cop. But I really needed the money so I decided to ignore my gut feeling.
In the bedroom, he asked me to play with myself. We were both naked. When I tried to touch him, he quickly backed away. That's when I knew for sure he was a cop and I was being set up. I yelled: "You small dick motherfucker!" and next thing I know, 7 officers in full riot gear and black masks stormed into the room, bum-rushed me, pushed me against the wall and cuffed my hands behind my back. While I was still naked! I kept asking them to let me put on my clothes, but they were in a hurry, because the next girl was already on her way and they didn't want me to interfere with the next girl's arrest. Finally one of them threw my sweater over my shoulder. They brought me into another bedroom and locked me in the large walk-in closet. There were already three other girls in there. All of them naked, and with their hands cuffed behind their backs. I knew two of them.
At the end of the night, the officers let us put on our clothes and we were transported to the police station and then to jail. I bonded out just a few hours later, but now my mugshot is online for the whole world to see, and everyone, including my whole family, knows I was arrested for prostitution.
ROYAL FLUSH
I had a new house built, and my elderly father came to visit me for a few days. My dad, always trying to be helpful, was looking for things that needed to be fixed. He used the bathroom, and told me that the toilet wasn't working right. It was overflowing. Weird. It was brand-new. The next day he used the other bathroom, and that one overflowed too. That's when I realized the problem was not with my brand-new toilets, but somehow my dad managed to use them wrong. Don't ask me how. All I know is that after we had a talk about proper flushing technique, my toilets didn't overflow anymore when he used them.
SURPRISE!
I was coming down with a stomach virus. During the night I shit the bed. I woke up from the feeling of wet hot diarrhea in the back of my boxers and down my leg. I was terribly embarrassed and all I kept thinking was: "I don't want my wife to see this mess!" I jumped up, put on fresh boxers, wiped my butt and leg with the soiled ones, and tried to take the dirty sheets off the bed as quickly as I could, before my wife woke up and saw the puddle of poop. But she was lying on the sheet. So I had no choice but to wake her up: "Get up."
She was a deep sleeper, and didn't wake easily. "Hmm? What? What's going on?" she mumbled.
"Nothing. Don't ask any questions. Just get up. GET UP!!!"
I was hoping she'd get up in her sleep and not be aware of her surroundings, so I could pull the sheets off before she saw why. But nope. Once she got up, she was fairly lucid and saw the big brown stain. And the unmistakable smell of fresh boomboom filled the whole room.
"Oh my God! What's that smell? What is that stain? What happened? Who did that? Is that poop? Did you poop the bed???"
That woman was just full of questions. I was way too embarrassed to say anything, so I just quietly went about my business of taking the sheets off the bed and rolling them up into a big pile, with a stern, determined look on my face, while my wife just stood next to the bed, still drowsy, and watched her husband try to hide the evidence of his mishap. That happened years ago, and she still makes fun of me!
TEAM MEETING
I was at a meeting at the large corporation where I worked. I had no idea what they were talking about. Afterwards it turned out that I had been at the wrong team meeting. Well, at least the donuts were good.
CRUSHED DREAMS
I used to work at Best Buy. One day an old school friend came into the store. We used to be pretty close in High School, but we had lost touch after we graduated and we hadn't seen each other in years. I used to have a crush on her, so it was nice to see her again after all these years. We chatted for a few minutes, about the good old days.
She asked me if I'd like to go out to eat with her and catch up. Yes of course I would! I was excited that she was interested in me! After she walked out of the store, I kept thinking
about her. I kept thinking about the possibilities of dating her, and thought about the places where I could take her out on dates. I thought about that it was funny how life works sometimes and people come and go. Who knows, maybe we were meant to meet again. Maybe I was going to end up in a long term relationship with her now, after all these years, and we would live happily ever after. I wondered how she felt about having kids.
The next evening we met at a restaurant. She had brought some flyers. As it turned out, she was married, and she had no interest in me whatsoever. She was involved in some sort of multi-level-marketing thing, and she was trying to sign people up under her. This whole thing was just an attempt to get me to buy some stupid energy drinks from her, and then try to sell them. I was so disappointed. And I felt so stupid for day-dreaming about her. I didn't want her to know that I had completely different expectations of our dinner date, so I pretended to be interested in her stupid MLM crap. I went home with a bunch of fliers with colorful charts, a few samples of her crappy energy drinks and a bunch of crushed dreams.
KIDS THESE DAYS
When my teenage daughter was going through puberty, I gave her a book about her changing body. But she was too embarrassed about having her first period, and refused to talk about it, and refused to read the book. Somehow her younger brother got ahold of the book. He eagerly read it and then told anyone who would listen: "I know what a period is! It's when a girl bleeds out of her vagina!"
Lovely. Just the kind of conversation you want your son to have with people.
WORST THANKSGIVING EVER
I was involved in a long distance relationship with a girl I really liked. Unfortunately we didn't get to see each other very often, because she worked in Hoboken, NJ and I worked in Charlotte, NC. She invited me to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family in Buffalo, NY. I was excited to get to spend a whole week with her for the holidays, and get to meet her family. I thought that was a big step in our relationship.
Then she told me that she had invited her ex-boyfriend to stay with her and her family as well. Wait... What? I asked her why in the world she had invited her ex-boyfriend as well. That seemed pretty weird to me. She said that even though they were broken up, they were still good friends. She convinced me that there was nothing going on, and that I should not worry about it. I wanted to believe her, so I did. After I had booked a flight to Buffalo, she told me that she hadn't been completely honest and that she and her ex had gotten back together, and they were dating, but she wanted to break up with him and be with me. I thought about not going, but went anyway. She asked me not to mention anything.
When I arrived, she and her ex picked me up from the airport. I felt like the 3rd wheel. They were flirting, kissing, holding hands like a couple. What the hell was I doing there? I was miserable. The next day I couldn't take it anymore, and told the "ex" that I wasn't just a "friend" but supposedly her boyfriend. He got pissed and confronted her. There was a big argument, and for the rest of the week, there was a lot of tension, and I felt really unwelcome. The Thanksgiving dinner was very awkward. Nobody said much. Everybody just ate quietly. You could cut the tension with a knife.
MY OWN WORST ENEMY
My friend and I were watching TV. We were drinking Coke out of old-fashioned glass bottles. We were bored, so we were playing around with the bottles after they were empty. We balanced them on our foreheads and stupid stuff like that. Then I started tapping the top of the bottle against my front teeth. Just because it felt weird and made a weird sound. I kept doing that for a few minutes, and started tapping along to the rythm of a song on TV. Faster and faster. I guess I started to do it too hard without even realizing it. I knocked out one of my front teeth! It hurt like hell and there was blood everywhere. When my mom came home she thought my friend and I had gotten into a fight, and I had to explain to her that I knocked my own tooth out.
RADIO INTERVIEW
I wrote a book about police officers. I'm an introvert. I don't like being the center of attention, so when I was invited to be interviewed on a TV show in New York, I had terrible stage fright, but the interview went better than I had expected. A few weeks later I was invited to be interviewed on a nationally syndicated radio show. I figured being on TV was worse than being an invisible voice on the radio, so I didn't anticipate much of a problem.
But when I sat in the DJ booth with the host of the radio show, I suddenly blacked out in the middle of the interview. I was so nervous, I completely forgot what I was talking about, or what he had asked me. I just froze in mid-sentence.
After what felt like an eternity of dead air, the DJ finally looked up from his controls, his eyes got big, and he started gesturing wildly for me to continue talking. I had no idea what to say. My mind was completely blank. I was like a deer in the headlights. Finally I just started some random new sentence.
After the interview, the DJ said: "That went pretty well."
I replied: "Oh please! We both know that it didn't. I made an ass of myself. I totally froze!"
He said not to worry about it, and that they would fix it in post editing. And they did. When he sent me a tape of the recording a few days later, they had cut out the pause, and you almost couldn't tell that I stopped in mid-sentence and suddenly started talking about something completely different that had nothing to do with anything.
FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
This local catering hall had really amazing food, and my wife and I wanted to order some, but they only catered large events and parties. They did not take small orders for normal meals. So we had no choice but to pretend that we had a small party, and order the minimum of 4 large trays with enough food to feed a dozen people. When the catering people came, we told them to set up the hot buffet on our kitchen table. They wondered why our place didn't look like a party, and where all the other people were. We said they'd be here soon. We didn't want the caterers to know that my wife and I were going to eat all that food by ourselves.
CARTOONS BY GASPIRTZ
Book 1: Embarrassing True Stories
Book 2: Pet Humor!
Book 3: Police Humor!
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