by Sonya Jesus
Feeling more for a guy like Keenan is exactly what I shouldn’t be feeling. He was a one-time thing. I wanted to know what all the hype was about, and now that I know, how the hell do I block it from infiltrating every single thought that pops into my head? Distance might help, but he is going to be around all the time. I’m going to see him, and have my lady bells jingling. Plus, he scares the hell out of me, yet exhilarates me all at the same time. I enjoyed stepping up to him, knocking him down a peg in front of his friends. It made me feel powerful, like I held some sway over him.
I’m not delusional though. I’m fantasizing and idealizing, making something out of nothing. He was a rebel musician, with more baggage then a freight train could carry. And I have a feeling it isn’t all about Hannah. She might have messed with him but guys like him are magnets for irrevocable occurrences- things that dig deep into the soul, and bury themselves in their spirit. They eventually disintegrate, meld with the basic components of what makes them, and there is no coming back from that. Nothing can ever separate it from him again.
I should know. Steven was the only thing constant in my life. Childhood isn’t easy when you never have a chance to be a child. I was more of an adult than my mother. While she was off, sleeping her way down my class roster, I took care of my little brother. We were only a year apart, but I was making him toast at seven years old, and drinking coffee at six. I forged my mother’s signature on all his school things and made sure he kept up with everything. Ian was smart, brilliant, a full out nerd who loved baseball. He was going places, and I made sure of that. I stole money from my mom’s purse, just so I could give him that.
One day, she caught me. Smacked the shit out of me and when he intervened, she shoved him. He fell, hit his head hard and was out of it for a few minutes. When he woke up, he pulled my mom off of me and threw her out of the house. She was spiraling on some drug, and she wouldn’t remember it in the morning. We spent the rest of the night, watching television and taking turns making sure she didn’t break in. I took the first watch because Ian had a headache and wanted to sleep.
Ian never woke up for his shift. Doctor’s said it didn’t often happen, but in some rare instances traumatic head injury could cause brain bleeding. He slipped into a coma, and about two weeks later my mother pulled the plug. She checked into rehab, and I met my dad at Ian’s funeral. He and my mom had flings that resulted in two babies. He didn’t want us because he had a whole other life, but he took me in. He even lived a few blocks from my house. He was also the pharmacist at Zoren’s. I’ve known my father all my life, and he knew I was his daughter, but my brother and I were just a secret.
If he hadn’t pretended like we didn’t exist, Ian would still be alive. If my mother wasn’t such a druggy whore, Ian would still be alive. The people who created us were the ones who destroyed us. I hated everything and everyone, except Steve. He helped me through it because he loved me more than they ever could. But he didn’t love me at all.
I might have buried a piece of myself with my brother, but Steve dragged the remaining piece through the fire and incinerated it. I lost everything, every sense of self that I clung to. I only had one choice, to start over.
I’ve tried to start over 37 times. Every day it gets harder. I become emptier, and further away from the girl I need myself to be. I chose psychology to help people, but I can’t even help myself.
Keenan is the first time I felt something since Steven. The first time I actually cared. But I know, caring for him will just add to the heartbreak. His damage combined with my damage would be a catastrophe. Healing can’t be done by two broken people. That never works.
That’s why in Hailee says, “So, I know I shouldn’t be asking this, but what’s going on between you and Keenan?”
I smile softly and swallow all the hopeful thoughts that threaten to take over. “Nothing.” Even if there was something I couldn’t go there. No matter how weak he made me, or how nervous I got around him, nothing was going to happen. “We slept together, that’s it.”
Hailee pats my hand gently. “You know banging your way around town isn’t going to make Steven’s betrayal hurt any less.”
My eyes snap to hers. Her words stirred a bout of guilt in my stomach, which brought up all the shame I felt because of my mother’s lose ways. I was turning into her. “Oh, my God.” The words escape my mouth as I lean back on the hard, wooden chair at Sips. “I’m becoming the person I hate.”
Hailee raises an inquiring brow.
I open my mouth to speak, but I’m so floored by the revelation that nothing comes out.
“You know what?” she says, leaning back on the large comfy chair. She shakes her head, as if she can’t believe what she is about to say. “I completely understand how you feel. I am doing things I never thought I would, and I am becoming more like Hannah every day, and that scares me.”
“Hannah?” I slide forward a little and rest my elbows on the table. I play with the sugar packet in front of me and wait for her to answer. I peek up at her when she does and the expression on her face warns my heart.
“Hannah was my sister.”
“Was?” My heart falls to my feet. I lace my fingers together and bring them down to my lap. I stare at them for a moment before I come to terms with what that means. “Keenan mentioned a Hannah this morning.”
“That’s her.” Hailee sounds defeated. “She passed away last year.”
I replay the conversation this morning, wishing I could go back and change what I said or how I reacted. There is no way I could have possibly known, but that explains a lot. He was hung up on Hannah, and there was a lot more damage just like I suspected.
Hailee breaks me out of my thoughts, probably thinking I didn’t know what to say. But I know all too well what it felt like to lose someone. I just didn’t want to share that part of my life. “I wasn’t close with her. She was calculating and manipulative … and well, she hated my guts. But I’m sliding into her shoes a little too easily.”
“Hailee,” I call her attention. “You are nothing like that.”
She forces a smile and exhales loudly, not even pretending to believe what I just said. “You’d be surprised if you knew, Lexi. There are things I have done that I wouldn’t have done last year.”
She doesn’t seem like she wants to tell me specifics, and I don’t want to pry. Drudging up feelings of sibling loss isn’t going to help me or her. Professor Ferguson once said, “The best thing to do when you lose someone, is move forward. That’s true even if the person you lost is yourself.” I don’t know if he is right, but I agree. Dwelling on all the shit that I have been through will only trap me. That’s why the uncertainty, the excitement of not having stability, is addicting. Sleeping with someone new, isn’t about the sex. I mean, other than Keenan, the sex isn’t exactly noteworthy. It’s about the exhilarating feeling of not knowing who he is, or anything about him. It’s liberating. Free. And I haven’t been free in a real long time. “Yeah. I get that, Hails.”
Unfortunately, she switches the topic back to Keenan. “You know, he was with her for six years. He was going to ask her to marry him.”
“So, he likes the bitch thing?” I have no idea why, I bite the inside of my lip. That’s not true. I bite it because I’ve been a bitch to him, and the idea of him liking it made my heart flutter.
“Well, I don’t really know that. I’d like to think my sister was nice to him, but niceness wasn’t in her blood.” She chuckles softly. “So, maybe he is. I mean, he, Dax and Ace are very hard to understand. They are secretive, and it’s like you have to pry things out of them.”
Now, it’s my turn to laugh. “Bullshit. Dax, I get, but Aysen doesn’t seem to have a problem verbalizing anything.”
She rolls her eyes and reaches for her tea. She sips it before saying, “Aysen has trouble with the important stuff. He holds it all in, and then explodes, spewing truths everywhere.”
I nod because it’s not my place to get involved in whatever wa
s going on between her and Aysen. I already voiced my opinions, if she wants mine she will ask.
“Anyway, I don’t really want to talk about Aysen and Dax. I spend most of my time with them.”
Good thing I didn’t bring it up. Because I don’t want to hear about Keenan either. I need to process everything, and I already know I owe him an apology. That should be fun.
Chapter 10: The apology.
Keenan
Fucking shit! Why does she have to look that good with so much clothes on? If she showed up wearing next to nothing, like all the other girls here, then maybe she would blend in. But no, she had to be fucking different and wear jeans and a long sleeve shirt, that dipped low, revealing her perfectly round tits.
Get it together, Keenan. I try to refocus my attention on this guy that Aysen is… I don’t even know what he is doing. It looks like straight up flirting from here, but in his defense, it’s Finn who is doing most of the touching.
Hailee saddles up next to me and hands me a beer. She looks cute in her flowy dress, nothing like anything that Hannah would wear. Her cheeks are flushed, and I can smell the beer on her breath. “Thanks, Charmer.”
She gives me a sideway glance and then smirks. “Don’t ever call me that again, Chains.”
“Is that a command from my leader?” She elbows me gently in the ribs and jostles a soft chuckle from me. “Okay. Okay.” I glance over at her. “No need for corporal punishment.”
She plasters an angry expression on her face, but she can’t keep it for long. She’s giggly when she’s tipsy, and I have a feeling she is working on embracing the whole college thing tonight. Dax comes up to us, wraps his arms around her waist and presses her to him. She squeals a little bit, but leans her head back to rest on his shoulder. He says something to her that makes her cheeks flash bright red and then lets her go so he can address me. She nods and makes her way over toward the girl I am trying to avoid, leaving Dax and I alone.
“Aysen is dropping the hint to Finn,” Dax says loudly. The music is loud enough to drown us out to the people around us.
“How is he doing that?” I ask.
“Little bargaining,” he says, amusedly. “He’s trying to get Finn to lower the price on his items. When he does, he will say he can still buy it cheaper.”
“Is that why he is letting him touch him all over?” I have nothing against guys on guys, but Aysen, while he doesn’t really care who you are screwing, he isn’t big on the whole guys hitting on him thing. That I remember from The Den.
Dax chuckles, a rare occurrence. “Took a little convincing.”
“He must be losing his shit right now.” I crack a smile when Aysen gives us both a fuck-off look and then a nod in our direction. We nod back and then pretend to be deep in conversation for a few minutes.
“He did it. Quick, reach into your pocket and pretend to pass me a hit.” I do as Dax tells me. A quick peek over my shoulder tells me Finn is watching us. “Okay, now go find Hailee and pass her this.” He pulls out a small little plastic bag with what looks like a couple of pills of ibuprofen. “Let him think you are dealing and taking over his clientele.”
“She’s with Lexi.” I jolt my chin in their direction.
“Well, then I suggest you do it without Lexi noticing . Hailee’s having a hard time with all this. She thinks she can keep her friends from our world, but they are friends with her, and she is going to inherit part of this world. I don’t exactly know how to break that to her.” His voice lowers at the end, and I can tell he feels some kind of remorse.
“She didn’t want this,” I try to reassure him.
“It’s not just that, Chains. She wasn’t meant for this and now Rosalie is back, and I can’t tell her. There’s so much I wish I could protect her from…”
“But you can’t,” I finish his thought for him. “She’s a Blackwell, Dax. She’s going to have to step up to the plate.” We both know that means she’s going to have to suck it up when they catch up to Rosalie. I’m keeping the fact that I know she knows about her mother all to myself . Just like I will keep the hunt for Rosalie all to myself. I don’t trust Rosalie, and I won’t be responsible for getting Hailee killed, but I also can’t risk pissing off the future council or the acting one. The best I can do is play both sides and try not to get caught.
I take a deep breath and head over to them. My life is fucked up right now. Even if Hails hadn’t asked me to keep away from Lexi, I would.
As soon as I reach the girls, Lexi says, “Oh, good. You’re here.” Then she turns to Hails and says, “I need to talk to him. I’ll be right back.”
She grabs my hand before I have time to say something to Hails, and leads me to the bathroom. Not my first choice for privacy, but I am a little distracted by her holding my hand. It’s been years since I’ve held hands with a girl. Hannah never did that, and I never realized how much I missed it. That’s why I yank my hand away and snap, “What is it, Lexi?”
She inhales deeply, and then releases it. Her shoulders move up and down as she repeats the process. “This morning,” she starts and gives me a minute to remember.
“Yes, I remember. I wasn’t that drunk.”
She rolls her eyes, not believing me. “Well, you mentioned Hannah.”
I tilt my head to the side and plaster a hard expression on my face. Just the mention of her brings up all the newly developed hatred. “Don’t fucking say her name.” She retreats backwards, putting distance between us. Shit. I lower my voice, trying to keep it steady and calm. “What about her?”
“I just wanted to apologize.” I cross my arms in front of me because the way she was biting her lip made my cock twitch and my mind was begging me for a release.
“You don’t have to.” I turn my back on her and reach for the doorknob. I feel her fingers, lightly brush against my shoulder. I pause.
“I shouldn’t have said the things I said. I found out Hannah died and…” her voice trails off, causing me to turn back around and face her. Her tongue darts out and glides between her lips, but it isn’t meant to draw attention. Her whole body is retreating inward, and she’s nervous.
I am not sure if I am making her this uncomfortable, or if it’s the thoughts in my head, so I soften my voice and try to make myself more open. “You don’t have to apologize. She isn’t worth it.”
She smiles, skeptically. “I just… I know what it’s like to lose someone and how hard it is to move on. I just felt bad for- “
I cut her off. “Seriously, don’t ever worry about talking shit on that bitch. I hope she’s rotting in hell.”
She shakes her head, trying to understand. She shouldn’t, but before I can stop her, she says, “I get it.” It throws me off guard. “I guess, we are good then?”
“Good?” I am so confused on what she thinks she gets. To be honest, the fact that she does get something kind of worries me. “I can’t imagine a girl like you could ever understand what a guy like me deals with.”
“You can tell me.” She chuckles nervously. “I mean if you want to… you know, talk to someone. I am just saying…” She sighs as she struggles to find the words, and I swear it’s the fucking cutest thing I have ever seen. “I’m a good listener. I mean, not that you would want to tell me about things, but in case you do, I won’t judge.”
I force my lips straight as I wait for her to say something else. When she doesn’t I nod my head and ready myself to be the asshole I need her to think I am. “Noted.” She smiles, thinking she has achieved something. I wish I could talk to her, but orders are orders. “But if I did need to talk, I wouldn’t do it with you. You’ve served your purpose.”
Her jaw drops, and I hate that I am the reason for the sadness in her eyes. “Okay?” the word escapes her lips in a barely audible tone. She rushes for the door, and I step aside, letting her go.
She places her hand on the door knob, and instead of opening it she locks it. She swivels around to face me and locks her eyes on me. There’s a fierceness in the w
ay her body holds steady, tall and ready to confront me. She steps forward, and I hold my stance, raising my eyebrows in entertainment. She was tiny and ready to face the Dragon. I wasn’t sure if her sword was her tongue, or the way her body moved, but it was slicing through my resolve. “Have something to tell me, Lexi?”
“I’m trying to decide if you are worth the effort,” she says, leaning forward.
I take a step closer, attempting to erase the space between us. She swallows hard when I invade her personal space. I give her time to come to a decision, mostly because I enjoy towering over her. There is a very nice view from up here.
Her cheeks flush when she realizes exactly where I am staring. She doesn’t back away though. She lifts her chin up a little, exposing her neck and subconsciously thrusting her chest out. A slow smile builds on my lips as the pink on her cheeks turns almost red.
“You know. You are such an asshole.” Not exactly the words I wanted to hear, but the infliction in her tone suggested otherwise.
I lean in so that my lips are near her ear. I noticed how she shivered the last time I did it. I’m playing with fire, but I’m pretty sure I don’t mind being burned. I whisper, “But?” and retract backwards to study her reaction.
“Just shut up,” she commands and then makes sure I can’t talk. Her lips lock with mine as her straightforwardness thrills me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know I shouldn’t be encouraging this, but then her tongue brushes against my bottom lip, and her hands slide down to my waist and latch onto the hem of my jeans. All my focus is on the way her body gently presses against me in all the right places. I try to move, but my body refuses to part with hers. Instead, it thrusts into her.