by Sonya Jesus
We become silent again as I pull out a cute, light pink and gray cold-shoulder top. I turn around to show Sass that I'm trying, and I will do it in comfort and style when I see the same sad faraway look in her eyes.
"Hey now, you were the one bouncing in here demanding I dress up so we could have fun tonight, and now you look like you are going to cry. What gives?" I say, changing in front of her. We are best friends, you know.
"Sorry, sorry I am always the happy one, and I lost my touch for a minute. I miss my brothers as much as you do, and when I actually think about it, the memories bring me down." We have the same problem. "And just so you know, this is your fault."
"I know, but did you see the cute top I found that will look awesome with my khaki short shorts and wedge heels?" I show her, dangling my tan and pink wedges from my fingers. I don't really come off as a high heel kind of girl, but when I want to feel dressed up, they do the trick. I'm on the short side, and I need all the extra inches I can get. When I found wedges and could go all night in them, that’s when I found my dress shoe for life.
The smile coming from Sass on the bed looks excited and devious. "You are seriously going to go out in wedges and shorts to the carnival? You, Mags?" I smile, slipping my shorts on and sliding my feet into these out-of-my-mind shoes. "Are you feeling alright? This silence is making me wonder..."
"Wonder what, Sass? Maybe I'm just taking your advice and planning on living it up with our family tonight before the real world begins and drags us down." Smoothing down my shirt in front of the mirror is making me excited for tonight. My hair looks wind-blown since I didn't blow dry it, and my slight tan is bringing the pink out in my outfit. Not going to lie, normally matching or coordinating never happens for me, but tonight it's on point.
Let the good times begin.
2
Cruisin’ down the beach road, everyone is sneaking a peak at us. Why? Why else. We are two hot, early twenty-year-old girls driving in a convertible Beetle. The car is Sass's college grad gift from her parents. I think her parents were a little worried about her graduating, so they bribed her with a new car if she got through the four years and walked across the stage.
"I can't really tell if people are staring at us or the car, Sass. It's like they can't figure out if they like the car or not," I say, watching several people turning their heads toward us with perplexed looks on their faces. Almost like they've never seen a convertible Beetle before.
"Don't let Thunder hear you talking like that," she says while patting the dashboard.
Oh, I forgot she got thunder red as the color so she could call her car Thunder. Of course, the first time I heard this I laughed, and her dead serious look made me zip my lips. All of our friends and family learned really quickly not to make fun of Thunder, either.
Though I am not a fan of the car, I am completely jealous of her gift. I graduated, and all I got was a pat on the back and a nice dinner out. My parents wished they could've done more but at the time couldn't, and I don't blame them, but I'm allowed to be jealous every once in a while, right?
"The boys are super jealous of my baby. Del didn't get a car, and George hasn't been offered one either," she said, smiling at all the hot guys. Were they checking us out or probably the car? That's a new tidbit of info for me. I assumed they all received gifts like that for graduating.
Del always had the strive for better attitude and could draw since he was in diapers. Nothing or no one was ever going to get in his way. When it comes to his job and skills, you’d better watch out because nobody messes with those. If you don't like him or what he draws, you should just walk away because you are not going to like what he has to say.
I probably sound like I know him on a close and personal level, and even though I wish I did, I don't anymore. That's what stalking on Facebook and Instagram is for. Does he need to know how long I look at his artwork sometimes or try to catch glimpses of him in the picture? No. Sass doesn't even know how much time I put into cyberstalking him. I can go weeks without a click, and then boom, I'm all over every page he has and can't stop thinking about them. You cannot believe what some of his women clientele have written on his work Facebook page. When the lewd comments start to get too out of hand, I back off and take a breather from stalking. Jealousy isn't a good look on anyone, especially on someone who has no right to be jealous in the first place.
One-time Sass caught me ogling his shop’s Facebook page and instantly started to hassle me about it, but I told her it was about another guy who worked there for one summer. By going along with her about this guy, I knocked her off her brother's scent. Plus, I really do want a piece of art done, and I want Del to be the one to draw on my virgin skin. Anyway, what Sass doesn't know won't kill her, and I believe in the end she would handle my crush on him fine. It's not like anything is going to happen. He is so out of my league it's not even funny.
"Don't you feel a little bit bad that you got a gift and your brothers didn't? You know my sisters received more elaborate gifts than I did and how it made me feel at times, right?" I don't stress for one minute about what my sisters were given because my family was in a different financial situation when they graduated high school and college.
"You damn well know that Del was under an apprenticeship when he was like 14. His life was set from there on out, and I'm pretty sure our parents helped him acquire his first shop and insurance. Let's not forget George had a free ride because of baseball. All the scouts had been watching him and talking to my parents."
I think I hit a sore spot by bringing up this subject. Sass and I went to college, graduating with basic management degrees because we honestly didn't know what we wanted to do, and our parents insisted we go and get our degrees. They said no matter what we went for, it'll look good on our resumes. Sass hates it, but I plan to use my management degree. My dream career, however, I keep a secret because I don't think anyone will really understand it or think it's acceptable for a long-term career.
Not that managing the local gas station is glamorous, but they offer a pretty decent job package for someone just out of college. I am not looking forward to seeing some ex-classmates who are probably doing bigger, better, exciting things with their lives, but this is only a stepping stone for getting me out of my parents' house and having my own life.
My sisters are completely different from me, and I've yet to figure out if they are the smart ones or I am. Both graduated with degrees and a man on their arm. Soon after graduation, the guys were down on one knee, and in a blink of an eye, my sisters were Stepford Wives.
I know that sounds kind of bitchy, but it's absolutely true. I love them, and for the most part, they are great sisters, but going through all that schooling to just stay home and take care of the house, no way, not for me. My brothers-in-law are basically meh. I know, bitchy, right?
Mom and Dad never pushed for any of us to settle down but working for either one of them was last on their list. I think at times Sass was jealous of them and would kill for a man to swoop in and take care of her. I want to be taken care of, of course, but not in every aspect of my life. Being home all day, every day is not my cup of tea either. I want to make a mark in this world for myself, and one day when I'm gone, I'll be remembered for it. Nothing big or fancy, no fanfare, maybe my name listed under a company name as a founder.
"I honestly don't want to talk about this now, Mags. I want to have a good time tonight and end this weekend on a high note. Not bummed out because of what our family members have, and we don't." Faintly in the distance, you can hear the waves crashing and the dinging of a winner bell from one of the games.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to bring the car ride down. Let's go walk around, eat a ton of junk food, and have a hot man win me a stuffed animal." I clapped my hands together. A man winning me a stuffed animal is on my childhood carnival bucket list. Obviously, it's not life-changing or anything, but I watched all the sappy love movies where the guy at some point always wins a prize for the woman. J
ust once, I want to be that woman watching a busting-out-of-his-t-shirt hunk winning me a big fluffy dog, then handing it to me with a big smile and ending it with a hot kiss.
"Hey," Sass says while pushing me in the arm. "You're doing it again."
"What?" I can feel the heat forming on my cheeks. She so knows what I was daydreaming about--damn best friends.
"You are thinking about a hot guy winning you a stuffed animal. I know a lot of your deep, dark secrets." It starts as a chuckle when I don't immediately answer her but forms into a deep belly laugh, and she even holds her belly.
"Oh, stop it." Now I start to laugh because, really, it's funny. "It's not a deep, dark secret, you know. A nice daydream is all." That no one really knows about.
"Sweetheart, it is, and you know it. Maybe not dark, but it is a secret you keep hidden in the shadows because of embarrassment but daydream about all the time. Maybe even dream of him naked with..."
"Stop, that’s enough. Let's go before you completely embarrass me, and you better not bring it up later here in front of everyone." I give her my best stink eye. "I mean it!" Sass tends to talk so much that what actually comes out of her mouth doesn't register until the very end, then whatever secret she is holding on to is out in the open.
"Yes, Mom." I know she's mocking me, and the little gleam in her eye makes me feel like she is planning something for later. It's not making me feel any better. She has always had a knack for setting me up to embarrass me, but somehow makes it look like it wasn't her.
Maybe my dream will come true, and I'll go home tonight with a smile on my face and a stuffed animal under my arm.
3
There is nothing like the smell of sea salt in the air and hearing the waves crashing along the shore line. I wish I could hear the waves and smell the air every day but driving about a half-hour for it means I'll never take it for granted. Couldn't even imagine someone having to take time off work, pack up a car to the max, and then drive 10-plus hours to experience this for maybe a week, if they are lucky.
Walking by the majestic ocean, I can feel my soul being cleansed and my skin feeling tighter and brighter instantly. Natural toner for the skin and free therapy for the heart. Our parents always told us when we were younger to not take this weather for granted because one day we might be somewhere dark, cold and snowy. Gives me the chills just thinking about it and that kind of life. Barely any sun for months at a time is horrifying, to say the least.
The crowd is always massive on the last day, and people come from all over to experience it one last time. The noise factor can be intense between the games, kids running around, and the few rides that are set up. I personally am not a big fan of the rides, but they usually drag me on the Ferris wheel. I haven't told Sass in years that I actually like it now and riding it with said guy would be another check mark off my carnival bucket list.
We took the long route, to be able to walk through the sand and dip our toes in the water. Sitting here on this old wooden bench and looking at the rickety old boardwalk, I am second guessing my shoe choice. In my bedroom the wedges looked great. I was excited to wear them and show Sass that I was up for a good time. Now, looking around at all the boards and seeing how uneven they really are, these shoes are a mistake. Some girls, Sass included, can maneuver around all these obstacles; I am not one of them. Another reason why a man is a must at a carnival--stability.
I know, I know. I sound boy crazy, but there is something about going to the carnival with a guy and that has yet to happen to me. Seems like every year when the carnival comes to town, I am single and alone. Don't feel bad for me; it has just happened that way, no biggie. I daydream about my fake man and what we would be doing the whole time.
While sitting here strapping these bad boys back on, Sass has stumbled at least three times. Basically, looking like she is buzzed, and we didn't even bring anything with us. Probably better that we didn't because we could get kicked out by how we are walking. Oh, and did I mention, she was the one able to walk on uneven ground in heels. I am so screwed.
"Maybe wearing these heels wasn't the smartest idea we had today. I really don't need to sprain an ankle or anything," I say, standing up. The height these shoes give me produces all kinds of sexy confidence.
"Don't sweat it, plus it might help attract some male attention." I am not the only one with men on the brain. Best friends do tend to think alike a lot of the time.
I wonder how we are going to meet up with our friends with the intense crowd we are walking into. Being this close to so many people tends to activate my anxiety a little. Hopefully I don't trample a little kid because that would definitely kill the mood for the night.
"Do we know where to meet everyone?" I ask.
"Yeah by the food section. Let's get this show on the road," she yells back to me. I am a good five paces behind her when all of a sudden, I stumble trying to walk carefully. I probably look like a toddler just learning how to walk because it sure feels like it right now.
Thank goodness there is a plan because the sun is starting to set. With all the people and the lights becoming brighter, it's hard to tell who is who and where we are. I'm not really afraid of the dark, but some fears you are born with, and mine is called "afraid to be left stranded," or even "afraid of getting lost forever." I love being independent with my own thoughts and feelings but being alone forever is a natural fear of mine. I know it is very irrational for being in my twenties, but I can't change who I am.
"I know crowds make you anxious, so we planned our meeting place ahead of time. Don't worry, I got your back. George was extra specific on where to meet and when. Remember, we all grew up together; we know you like the back of our hands." Sass was hugging and shaking me all at once.
I'm really starting to wonder if she thinks something is going on between George and me. The last few weeks she's been bringing up his name around me more and more. Doesn't sound strange since we are close, but for some reason, the vibe seems different. George and I used to talk all the time, specifically about his games and what his career might look like down the line, but it was strictly brother/sister kind of talk. He feels like an outcast at times, and so do I, so we have that in common and understand each other when we are feeling irrational. Girls are a no-go for him, so I think when he wants some girl attention or talk, he comes to me. Weird? Maybe. I love him and will talk about anything with him without any judgment. There is too much judgment in life from strangers, and no one needs it from close loved ones if they can manage to find that openness with someone. Which is why I'm a little miffed with the lack of communication between us lately.
Almost slamming into an older lady in front of me shakes me right out of my daydream fog and back into reality. My daydreaming is a hazard to everyone around me, including me. Sometimes I have to actively tell myself "stay in the now and don't float away," or whoever I'm with claps their hands in front of my face and scares the crap out of me. That is everyone's favorite way to get me out of my head. When I apologized to the woman, she didn't look impressed at all and harrumphed at me. Sorry, seriously. It's not like I did it on purpose. Maybe she hasn't noticed the crowd of people everywhere.
Finally seeing the sign for smothered fries and funnel cake, two feelings start to take over--a sort of calmness and intense hunger. Getting ready and talking made me forget that I really haven't had an actual meal today, just some snacks here and there. Hanger is not a good look on me, and everyone knows it. Plus, it means a place to actually sit and be out of this mayhem.
"Look," I say pointing. "There is the food area. I want fries and a funnel cake, oh, and maybe a candy apple. They have the best candy apples ever!" I seriously don't know how they make their candy apples, but they are like straight crack. Thank goodness this carnival is once a year, or I would be a diabetic for eating too many of these. "We should probably buy a few candy apples. Don't want them to run out before we can get one home for later." Sass has this weird look on her face as she stops walking. "What?"
"For how well you eat most of the year and then complain about the greasy food that will be here, it's always shocking to me how much you actually eat here. I also know if you could steal all the apples, you would. I like when you show your true colors and not hide them away from everyone." She bumps into my shoulder. Sass has brothers, and I have two very pretty older sisters. Shit is hard sometimes no matter how close you are growing up together. Women at times plain suck, and I'm not sorry for thinking that way either. I'm cutting these thoughts off now.
"Oh, stop it, no need for dramatic talk like I'm some strict by-the-book girl." I’m hoping those ugly thoughts that showed up for a split second didn't show on my face. Sass will go into mom mode and want to hug and all that crap.
"That's exactly who you are and how you act, but I still love you anyways. Let's go find everyone and eat a ton of junk. If we can't button our pants by the end of the night, who cares?"
Yeah right, but I can give it a good try.
4
I think almost everyone we graduated high school with is here tonight. The group waiting for us in the food area took up close to four picnic benches with people standing around too. Unfortunately, most of the names I can't even recall. I'm trying not to act like it though, hugging and saying hi with a big smile on my face. I’m also trying to catch names from other's conversations as we get situated. Sass and I immediately get split up, so I don't even have her to help me. She is good with names, and most of these people she hung out with more than once in school. You really need to leave an impression on me for me to remember your name, especially almost six years later. Plus, let's be real for a minute, I am "Sass's best friend" to most of them.
Scanning the picnic tables, I make small talk with a couple, though I have no idea who they are. I don't see who I really want to see. I don't want to act disappointed because, really, it shouldn't be a surprise, but there was this tiny bit of hope that maybe he would show up. He's probably working; he does that a lot. Del saying he'll be somewhere and then not showing up is not uncommon at all.