“Neeyla Jean, I’m sick.”
Now, this wasn’t nothin’ I didn’t know already.
“I know,” I said.
She started shakin’ her head and said, “No, I’m real sick. Doctors told me six months ago that I had cancer; that I had six months to live.”
I could have fallen through the floor to my death when she said that to me. It was the worst news I ever heard in my life. I just wanted to fall to the floor to cry, but I knew I had to stay strong for her. The only person who cared ’bout me and my baby was gon’ die, and there was nothin’ I could do ’bout it. All I could think ’bout was why on earth did she keep that away from me all that time like that. I wondered if Henry knew. I suddenly became filled with all kinds of feelings and notions. I knew I had to enjoy Mrs. Baker while I could. I wasn’t gon’ just wait for her to die. In between the tears, I made up in my mind that I was gon’ make her feel alive again.
I got my fat-self up without sayin’ nothin’ more, went in the kitchen, and just started makin’ those fried green tomatoes she liked so much. I took ’em to her, and saw that smile again. Mrs. Baker’s smile was like the sunshine in the delta that glistens through the trees at a certain time of day and warms you up all over, from the inside out. That’s the way it was with Mrs. Baker’s smile. It always gave me a place, and made me feel at home.
We ate and laughed how we used to. I wanted to forget that Mrs. Baker had cancer, and I wanted her to forget it, too, at least while I was around. Sometimes I wondered if that was where I was supposed to be. If you looked at it, how did I become best friends with a white woman? Some thangs in life are just meant to be. She trusted me, and I trusted her. I knew that if Mrs. Baker was to die and leave me, that a big part of me would be gone with her. I couldn’t imagine life without her. It was gettin’ real hard to fight back the tears.
Mrs. Baker said she would teach me how to knit when we had them talks all through the spring. By that time, I had gotten so good at it that I was makin’ my own baby some clothes. I made her this li’l pink outfit with the feet out, and a yellow one with the feet part in. I even made some blankets, too, even though they ain’t come out too good, and Carrie said they was botched up. I didn’t mind.
Chapter 34
One day Big Mama caught me in the mirror rubbin’ my belly. I was gettin’ back to talkin’ to my baby, and Big Mama was just standin’ there listenin’, with her sneaky old self. When I turned around and saw her, I nearly jumped out my skin. She was laughin’ so hard that I felt shame. After all this time, I was still lyin’, like I wasn’t pregnant. She handed me some cloth diapers for my baby.
“What you givin’ me these for?” I said.
She looked at me and burst out to laughin’ even louder.
“You gon’ need plenty more when that baby get here.”
I knew she was right, so I didn’t even waste my breath lyin’. I’d heard Reena was comin’ home. By this time I knew that word had got around that I was big and pregnant. I knew Reena was gon’ be askin’ me all kinds of questions, and gettin’ all up in my business, but to tell the truth, I guess I couldn’t no longer hide it no more. The baby was comin’, sure enough, and real soon, too. I could feel it. I knew I was gon’ have to take some time off from goin’ to see Mrs. Baker once I had the baby. Doctor said I gotta keep me and the baby inside for a whole six weeks, and I knew Mrs. Baker wasn’t gon’ wanna come out here to see us. I can imagine Jabo scared her off for sure that day she dropped me off.
I found myself tired all the time, and wanted to do nothin’ but lay around and be lazy, like a big cow. That’s what Oscar started callin’ me: a big-ass cow. His li’l pea-headed heiny. I loved ’em to death, though, and loved all my sisters and brothers. I even loved Carrie and Jabo, too, even though I always managed to stay mad at them. Carrie had been mad at me since I first got pregnant, so I let her keep her attitude. I just went on ’bout my business.
September had come already, and there was some real pretty flowers growin’ at the edge of the road. They was bright yellow, and reminded me of the flowers growin’ in Mrs. Baker’s yard. I decided I was gon’ pick me some, and take ’em to her. I ain’t never gave Mrs. Baker no gift, and even though it wasn’t much, I knew she was gon’ love ’em. Jabo was still a li’l drunk, and was walkin’ to work again, so I got in his truck and went on to Greenwood. I decided to surprise Mrs. Baker with her flowers, and afterwards, go see Reena. Boy, did I have a surprise for her.
As soon as I pulled up to Mrs. Baker’s house, I seen all kinds of folks standin’ around. Henry was sittin’ on the front porch on the step, his head in his hands, with a face red as the devil himself. His li’l wife was sittin’ beside him with her head on his shoulder. She was lookin’ crazy as hell. That’s when I noticed a bunch of white folks I ain’t never seen before. They all was just standin’ around, lookin’ like the world was ’bout to end. I pulled my daddy’s truck around where I usually parked, and got out as fast as I could. I knew how Mrs. Baker felt ’bout me bein’ around all her white friends, but I didn’t care.
I took my time and picked them flowers, and well, I was sure gon’ give ’em to her. But the closer I got to the house, the more people I heard cryin’. When I finally made it to the porch, Henry looked up at me with them blue eyes in a way he ain’t never looked out them before. He was starin’ up, and me, and I could see the tears fallin’ and makin’ rivers in his face. I ain’t say nothin’.
“Mama died this morning,” he said.
I couldn’t believe my ears. I just wanted to fall out. I dropped Mrs. Baker’s flowers, ran back to the truck, and jumped in and drove off fast as I could. Before I knew it, my face was wet with tears and my stomach was hurtin’ real bad. I knew Mrs. Baker was gon’ pass, but somehow I believed she was gon’ get a chance to see my baby before she went on home. Who was I gon’ talk to now? I didn’t have nobody without Mrs. Baker. I just wanted to run away where nobody could find me. Not that anybody cared, no way. Only person that gave a damn ’bout me was Mrs. Baker, and she was gone. What the hell was I gon’ do now?
Chapter 35
Two weeks had passed, and I could barely eat. I didn’t tell nobody Mrs. Baker was dead. Reena came out to the country to check on me since she knew. I would have went over there to see her by now. I was laid up in Big Mama’s bed with my stomach as ’bout as big as it was gon’ get. She came on in, and sat down beside me.
“Well, hello, Miss Neeyla Jean. Come on, so I can do your hair and makeup.”
Then she burst out to laughin’ in that squeaky li’l voice she got. I didn’t laugh, but just smiled.
“Come on, Neeyla Jean, is you sad?”
Of course I was sad enough to die, but I wasn’t gon’ tell her. She reached over and felt on my stomach, and then the baby kicked. I smiled a li’l harder then.
“Now, who you done let stuff you up?” she asked me.
I should’ve known that was comin’.
“I know you remember James Roscoe’s slick ass. That’s who knocked me up. You seen him? Tell him I’m havin’ a baby girl, and her name is Tracy Lynn.”
Reena fell out to laughin’.
“What the hell so funny?” I asked her.
“James Roscoe got so many babies it’s ridiculous. How you gon’ let him sweet talk yo’ panties down? You know better.”
I didn’t know better, though. I just looked at her. I had to pee like the dickens, so I got up and went to the outhouse. Before I could make it down the steps, water started runnin’ down my legs. I knew I had to pee, but goodness! Suddenly a pain hit me so hard that I ain’t have nowhere else to go but the ground. I found myself laid out in the grass, screamin’ to the heavens above.
Reena ran outside to see what was goin’ on. I guess she saw all that water.
“Neeyla Jean! Yo’ water done broke, gal!”
She helped me up and walked me to her car. She drove me fast as she could to the hospital. I usually ride the Money Road quiet with folks, bu
t I was screamin’ this time. I ain’t never felt no pain like that. She got me to the hospital, and them white folks was lookin’ at me like they ain’t never seen no nigger girl havin’ a baby. Bad as I was hurtin’, I was finna tell all of ’em a thing or two, but Reena got me past ’em quick enough.
They put me in a wheelchair and rolled me to a room where they put me on a table. They took my clothes off, and gave me a sheet. My doctor wasn’t there. Some white woman was in the room, jammin’ her fingers in me like she was crazy, and the pain was unbearable. She told me to push hard as I could when I felt pain, so I’d been pushin’ for a long time when my doctor decided he wanted to finally come in. He told me to push one last time, and it felt like the world was comin’ out my vagina. I blacked out, and hell, I think Reena did, too. I broke her hand from squeezin’ so hard.
I was in and out of it, but then I heard my baby cryin’ to the top of her lungs. They wrapped her up and laid her on my chest. I felt the same love that I felt when I talked to Mrs. Baker. She was so pretty, with pretty li’l round eyes and a full head of curly black hair, and she was just starin’ back at me. A tear rolled down my face. I sure did wish Mrs. Baker was there to see her, but I know she had to make room for her to come. They used to say that when one person dies, a new life comes. Indeed, a new life had begun. She was Tracy Lynn Sandifer.
I don’t even think Carrie and them knew I had the baby. They kept us at the hospital for three days, and then sent me home. Reena took me back out to the country. I got out holdin’ my baby. She had on some clothes they let her have at the hospital, and I had that same housecoat on that I left in. The kids must have saw me get out ’cause they all ran outside up to me, tryna pull the baby out of my arms. I walked on in the house. I had to be careful, ’cause they had put some stitches down there that were still sore, and she weighed almost ten pounds. I started to wonder if James Roscoe was gon’ come by to see his new baby, as good as she was. She didn’t cry unless she wanted some milk, and after I slapped my titty in her mouth, she’d be quiet til it was time for her to eat again.
I had to tell them kids they couldn’t be holdin’ her and kissin on her. They understood, too. They helped me just like I helped Carrie with them. Big Mama would always say that you reap what you sow, and I’d sowed a lot of good. That’s what they say. Carrie and Big Mama cme home from the fields and walked in to a surprise: me and Tracy Lynn. Carrie was actin’ like she ain’t care, but Big Mama told me she was proud of me. I was sixteen years old, and I had a baby girl of my own. Even Jabo was happy ’bout his new grandbaby. I couldn’t keep him from kissin’ all over her. My sadness ’bout Mrs. Baker was leavin’. I knew deep down inside that she was in a better place. I knew she was beside me in the delivery room, and I know she was watchin’ over me and Tracy—our guardian angel.
Them few weeks had passed, and I was up and on the go again. I had my baby to watch, and them other babies, too. I still ain’t heard a thang from Mr. Roscoe. But sure as always, I thought his black ass up. There he come, drivin’ down the Money Road slow, like he was in some parade. I just hated it. He felt like he could show up when he felt like it. I just wanted him to have one of his wench’s in the car. I was gon’ snatch her out and give her somethin’ to remember. I wasn’t stuffed up no more, and I was ready.
He jumped out and walked over to me and kissed my forehead. He smiled like he always smiled, and I melted like I always melted.
“You got somebody with you today, James Roscoe?”
He just laughed real soft.
“Of course not, Miss Neeyla Marie Jean. I came to see my baby.”
I couldn’t believe it.
“I thought I wasn’t gon’ ever see you again,” I said.
He never lost his smile for nothin’.
“Now you know better.”
I didn’t want him comin’ in the house, so I went back and grabbed up Tracy from off Big Mama’s bed. She couldn’t have cared less ’bout seein’ Roscoe, ’cause she was still sleepin’. I went back outside, and he was sittin’ on the front of his car, all smooth and slick. I walked up to him and handed him his baby girl. Roscoe just was starin’ at her like she was some type of stranger or somethin’. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, since he wasn’t smilin’ no more. Tracy must’ve known she was in a stranger’s arms, ’cause she started stretchin’ and fussin’.
“Well, what you think? She lookin’ just like you,” I said.
Roscoe didn’t crack a smile.
“She do, Miss Neeyla Jean. You say her name’s Tracy? She’s so pretty, hard to believe she came from me.”
I was thinkin’ to myself the same thing. I thank God she ain’t come out black as hell like him. She had my color. A nice, coffee brown with a couple of creams. That’s what Mrs. Baker used to say to me.
“I’d like to take her to Florida with me,” he said.
I looked upside his head all crazy.
“I must be comin’ too?”
And there that smile went again.
“Of course you can. We could be a family.”
I don’t know why I believed Roscoe, but I did. He had me blushin’ like he did when we first met.
“Just wait til she gets a li’l older,” he said.
Then I snapped out of it. I bet he told that other gal that, too, but maybe not. Only the Lord knows. Roscoe handed me Tracy and started walkin’ towards the door of his car.
“I’m gon’ see y’all later, you hear?” he said.
I just stood there starin’ as he got in the car and pulled off. He left me and Tracy standin’ there in a dust storm on the Money Road.
I had a feeling Roscoe wasn’t comin’ back this time. But I really wasn’t sad ’bout it. Spring had come again. March was all over Money, Mississippi. I truly enjoyed watchin’ my daddy play with Tracy. He would throw her up in the air and catch her, and she would just be laughin’ and smilin’, lookin’ like him and James Roscoe put together. She was the prettiest baby I’d seen in a long time. And I wasn’t just sayin’ that ’cause she was my baby. The weather was ’bout to get pretty, but it was always rainin’ and carryin’ on. Big Mama and Carrie wasn’t workin’ the fields so much ’cause the crops was soaked. Wasn’t much growin’ either.
I was just ready for the summertime. I would always think about Mrs. Baker, and how proud she’d be of me for bein’ such a good mama to Tracy. She taught me everything, and I took that advice. Tracy was one of the sweetest babies. She hardly cried, and them kids loved playin’ with her. She always had somebody to play with. Her hair was turning to a big ole afro. I knew by the time she got ready to turn one, I wasn’t gon’ be able to do nothin’ with it. We all tried gettin’ along better. Big Mama would slay one of them pigs, and we would all eat breakfast together some mornings; eggs, sausage, and bacon. There’d be toast sometimes if Jabo brought some home.
Now, don’t misunderstand, Jabo was still gettin’ drunk as a fool, but he wasn’t jumpin’ on Carrie like he used to. I was thinkin’ maybe it was a good thing that I had Tracy. She made everything better. She made me better. More importantly, she sure made Jabo better. Even Carrie wasn’t as hateful, and Big Mama was always the same: practical and firm in her beliefs. I kept my word, though. I told Carrie I was gon’ see at my own baby, and I did. I took Tracy everywhere with me, even to the bathroom. Carrie used to always fuss at me, tellin’ me I needed to put that baby down and let her tend to her sometimes, but I wasn’t havin’ it. Tracy was my baby, and I damn sure was gon’ act like it.
Them kids started goin’ to school more often, so I at least had my mornings with Tracy. Even though I dropped out of school, I was still smarter than most folks I knew. I was teachin’ her how to count, and readin’ her stories at night. I’d prayed for better days, and God was listenin’. He heard me way from the delta.
Chapter 36
One day I woke up and looked outside. The sun was shinin’ so bright in my window that it woke me up. Tracy was still under me, sleepin’. I got up and wal
ked through the house. Nobody was there. Guess everybody had gone back to the fields. I was gon’ go in the kitchen and make me and Tracy some eggs, but I just didn’t feel right. Somethin’ wasn’t right. I laid back down for a li’l while, and tried to go back to sleep. I closed my eyes for a li’l while, but the wind started blowin’ so hard up against the house that I had to go to the porch to see what in the hell was goin’ on. The sun was still shinin’ a li’l, but as soon as I looked up, the sun seemed like he got mad and went away. The sky turned black, and it started rainin’ cats and dogs.
This wasn’t no regular rain. It was ice fallin’ and everything. I went back in the house and grabbed Tracy up. I knew all that noise woke her up, ’cause she was just cryin’. I walked through the house holdin’ and rockin’ her, but it seemed like even she knew somethin’ was wrong, ’cause she was gon’ turn two in late September that year. The more I looked at the sky, the blacker it got. The wind was blowin’ so hard the tall grass was leaned over all the way to the ground. It looked like the sky had turned upside down.
I looked up and seen Big Mama and Carrie runnin’ hard with all their might, them kids right behind ’em. Jabo was drivin’ that old truck fast as hell down the Money Road, gettin’ back to the house. I didn’t know what was goin’ on. I heard Big Mama sceamin’.
“We gotta take cover! A tornado’s way down the road there! It’s comin’ our way!”
I ain’t know what to do. I froze. I just started cryin’ and prayin’, standin’ on the porch holdin’ Tracy. By that time they’d all made it on the porch and pulled me inside the house. Big Mama and Carrie started grabbin’ sheets and pillows, and them kids was screamin’ and carryin’ on. Jabo told all of us to get on the floor in the kitchen and he pulled the mattress out the room and put it over our heads. All I could think ’bout was Tracy, and holdin’ her tight. I didn’t care about dying, but I didn’t want my baby to die before she had a chance to live. I could hear the tornado gettin’ closer and closer. It sounded like a train was about to bust through the house.
Sunshine in the Delta: A Novel Page 9