“Well?” Will said.
“Well what?”
“Are you doing it on purpose?”
“I don’t know what we’re talking about here,” Halli said. “But it’s cold, and I’d like to go back inside.”
Will groaned. “Are you trying to make me jealous?”
“Jealous?” Halli said with a laugh. “No, sorry, it hadn’t occurred to me.”
“You think I’m weak?” Will said.
Halli sighed. “Are you still upset about that? Look, you can do whatever you want—”
“Good,” Will said, then he gripped Halli by the arms and pulled her to him, and crushed his mouth against hers.
Halli stomped her heel into the top of Will’s foot and shoved him back a step.
“Wrong, cave man. You think girls like that? We don’t. Don’t take what isn’t offered.”
I’ve never seen a look like that on Will’s face: frustration mixed with shock and humiliation.
“Audie, I’m...sorry...I’m really sorry.” He was so flustered Halli actually felt sorry for him.
“You want to try that again?” she asked.
“What?”
She knew it was the last time she would ever see him. And if, against all odds, I ever really did come back to reclaim my life, the least she could do was teach Will how to treat me.
Plus she was feeling flirty, playful, daring. Her evening had been far more fun than she expected. It left her in a generous mood.
She stepped toward Will, wrapped one arm around his waist and the other behind his neck, and gently pulled him toward her.
“You say, ‘Audie, you’re wonderful.’”
“Audie, you’re wonderful,” Will repeated, his breathing shallow and almost cautious.
“Good.” She kissed him lightly on the lips. “Now try, ‘Audie, I can’t stop thinking about you.’”
“It’s true,” Will whispered. “I can’t.”
“Much better,” Halli said. Then she showed him how to kiss her: not crushing, not forceful, but starting off slowly and waiting for her to respond before building to something more.
He wasn’t bad, Halli thought. Those warm, hungry lips, his warm breath and tongue, his hand cradling the back of her neck, the way he shifted his body to hold her closer, the sound of my name, carried on his next breath, “Audie—”
“Will!”
Will jerked away, but Halli didn’t move. She didn’t see a need to.
Gemma stood a few feet away, fuming. “What are you doing? Get away from her!”
Will took a half step back, but Halli held her ground. She stood casually relaxed, as if Gemma had just caught the two of them doing nothing more than discussing some issue about the office computers.
“What is going on?” Gemma demanded.
Halli reached out and patted Will’s chest. “He’s a great kisser. I can see why you like him. He’s all yours.”
Then she handed Will his jacket, swept past them both, and headed back to the ballroom.
60
Colin was still dancing with Lydia. But as soon as he saw Halli return to the ballroom he made eye contact and motioned for her to join him.
Halli shook her head and pointed to the food tables. Colin nodded. Halli headed over there, and within about a minute Colin and Lydia joined her.
“Having fun?” Halli asked Lydia.
My best friend smiled, breathless.
“You’re a wonderful dancer,” Colin told her.
“You, too,” she said, still smiling her beautiful smile. Halli knew that any guy looking at Lydia would know she was the most gorgeous girl in the room.
“I need a dose of air,” Colin said.
“Me, too,” Lydia said.
“Audie?” he asked.
“No, I need a dose of food.” She patted her stomach. “I’ll see you two later.”
Colin narrowed his eyes and seemed to be trying to communicate something. Halli gave a small shrug. “Soon,” was all she said, then went back to filling her plate.
“I want to talk to you,” said a voice behind her.
Halli continued piling fruit onto her plate.
“Don’t ignore me,” Gemma said, “unless you want a scene, right here and now.”
Lydia and Colin had just been about to walk away, but now they turned and stuck around for the show.
Halli popped a melon ball into her mouth and gave it a few casual chews while Gemma continued to glare.
“Why are you trying to steal my boyfriend?”
“Is that what he said?” Halli asked nonchalantly.
“No.”
“What did he say?” Halli asked.
“It’s none of your business,” Gemma answered proudly, obviously thinking she was giving Halli some of her own medicine by refusing to answer questions.
Halli shrugged. “This is boring. Go work out your own troubles. I’m hungry.”
She started to turn back to the buffet table, but Gemma grabbed her arm.
“You’re a plain, ugly girl,” Gemma said. “No one would want you when they could have me.”
“Gemma…” Colin warned.
“I’m sure that’s true,” Halli answered.
“He pities you, that’s all,” Gemma said. “He pities you for your poor manners and your nonexistent social life.”
“All true,” Halli agreed.
Gemma stomped one of her high heels. “Stop it! I want to know what you have to say for yourself!”
“I’m sure you do,” Halli answered.
Since Will was nowhere to be found, Gemma appealed to her brother instead. “Colin! Make her answer me!”
“Answer you about what?” he asked.
“I caught her kissing Will!”
Lydia’s eyebrows shot up. Colin raised an eyebrow himself.
“Did you kiss Will?” he asked Halli.
“He kissed me first,” she answered.
“Did you kiss him back?”
“Seemed like the polite thing to do,” she said. Then she chomped on a fat strawberry.
“What would you do if I kissed you?” Colin asked her.
Lydia didn’t like that one bit. She widened her eyes at Halli, obviously trying to signal her that she’d better have the right answer.
Halli shrugged again. “Hard to say. Each situation is different.”
Colin turned to his sister. “Sounds reasonable to me. I think you’d better address this to your boyfriend, not Miss Masters. She seems like the innocent party.”
“Innocent!” Gemma scoffed.
“I’m plain and ugly, and he pities me,” Halli reminded Gemma. “You know Will has a good heart. It was probably his charitable act for the night.”
“Can I speak to you?” Colin asked her. “Privately?”
“Can I finish getting my food first?”
“Certainly,” he said. He stood there patiently waiting while Halli added some bread, a spoonful of jam, and a few more slices of fruit to her plate.
Meanwhile Gemma and Lydia both stood with their arms crossed over their chests, glowering at Halli.
She turned toward Colin and said, “All right, where to?”
“Ladies,” he said to his sister and Lydia, giving them a polite bow. “I’ll go sort this out with Miss Masters and return with a full report. If you’re not satisfied after that, you can question her further, sister dear. Come along, Audie.”
He gently took her by the arm and escorted her from the ballroom. Will was just coming through the door as they were leaving.
“Audie?”
“I’m being questioned,” Halli said, and she kept on walking with Colin.
Then once they were clear of the ballroom, out into the lobby of the hotel, they both looked at each other.
“Where to?” Colin asked.
“Feel like a long walk?”
He glanced down at her long dress. Halli pulled up the hem to show him her very practical shoes.
“Won’t you be cold?” he asked.
�
�You’re going to lend me your jacket.”
“Anything else?” he asked, clearly amused by her attitude.
“If you kissed me, I wouldn’t kiss you back,” Halli said.
“Are you certain about that?”
He made a move toward her like he might try.
She gently placed a hand against his chest. “You’re taken.”
“I’m not.”
“You are, even though you don’t know it,” she said.
“By whom? Your friend Lydia? She’s a nice girl, but I’m not interested.”
“It’s hard to explain,” Halli said.
“Try,” he answered.
Halli smiled. “Maybe when I know you better.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Halli saw Will standing nearby, watching them. She didn’t care. She was done with him. She threaded her arm through Colin’s and led him to the outer doors. “Now, we were at the part where you were explaining how you can get free travel gear from companies that sponsor your websites.”
“Are you trying to distract me?” Colin asked as they pushed through the doors. The cold night air hit them both in the face.
Halli released his arm. “Your jacket, please.”
Colin took it off and helped her put it on. His hands lingered on the lapels as he folded them closer to her face and looked into her eyes.
Then he leaned forward again, and Halli stepped back.
“I can’t,” she said. “And I can’t tell you why.”
Colin kept hold of the jacket and gave her a disappointed smile. “Never?” he asked.
“Never is a very long time,” she said. “I’ve learned to stop trying to predict what might happen next.”
She lowered her hand to his and squeezed it. “Now come finish telling me everything about your life. And then maybe I’ll tell you a little of mine.”
61
You wonder if you’ll know when you die.
You know.
At least I did.
I was as close to it now as you can be without taking that last, irrevocable leap. It isn’t even a leap, really, just a small, conscious, deliberate step. Away from this, into that.
I wasn’t afraid to take it.
Your body conspires, I think, to convince you that it’s in too much pain, you’ll be happier without it, you don’t need it to keep living on. You know there’s a you inside here, and it doesn’t depend on bones and muscles and tissue to survive. It’s a surprise, really, because all your life you’ve thought that was your life. But it turns out it wasn’t. You were fooled.
I should have suspected—me, of all people. I was living proof that there was something about a human life that could live elsewhere, beyond its borders, take up residence someplace new like a hermit crab moving into an empty can.
And that something, that “me” was about to move on. To where, I didn’t know yet. But it was done with that temporary body that looked like Halli Markham, and it wanted something new. Something healthy and whole, without all the drama going on with its head. The real me had better things to do than to live with so much pain.
We could have done it. We still had life in us and could have tried. But at some point the You and its body both agree, “What’s the point?”
And it was at that moment, the instant when I gave up any struggle and any indecision, that suddenly everything became easy.
Then some automatic system kicked in. Maybe that’s how the universe works, shuffling people and parts around to make sure everything returns to its proper place, nothing out of order—at least not at the very end.
I could feel the pull. The pull of my own body, my own world, and suddenly I didn’t have to try for it, didn’t have to work at it, I didn’t have to do anything. I just relaxed into the inevitable and let it smoothly pull me home.
Back where I belonged.
Halli slept. I didn’t wake her. I lay back against the base of my former skull like a shadow, no substance, no weight or form. Somehow I knew that if I kept still, didn’t pour in any thoughts of my own, but just lurked there silently I could stay and not jostle either one of us out of the moment. I was safe. No ripping, no screaming, just safe and quiet and home.
And that’s when the download began. Like I’d plugged into Halli’s mind to sync up to my own. Everything that had happened since she took over my body poured into my own memory. Halli’s memories themselves—anything that crossed her mind during the course of the last two weeks—poured in there, too, and it was like reading a book or watching a documentary, but it was instantaneous. Like a whole bubble of thought popping inside my mind, flooding it so that I had all the information at once and could watch it at my own leisure over the next several minutes, like a program I was fast-forwarding through but still completely absorbing at the same time.
I saw her life with Ginny. Her life as me. Felt her frustrations and her plans and her determination. Heard every conversation. Experienced every thought. All the way from the moment we switched bodies up to the start of her conversation with Colin as the two of them set off on their stroll.
I knew there was more, but that was as far as I got. Because suddenly, abruptly, a sound cut in. Something that wasn’t on the London side, but was on Halli’s.
A soft knock. Then another, louder. Someone was knocking on my bedroom window.
Halli woke up immediately. And knew that I was there.
“Audie!” she whispered.
I could feel her relief, her joy. I felt it for myself, too. There was so much I wanted to say. And I had no idea how long we might have.
But there was that knock again.
“It’s Will,” I said. I didn’t even have to look out the window. I knew.
Halli got up and peered through the blinds to confirm it.
“Audie?” Will knocked again.
“Ignore him,” Halli said.
“We can’t. He’ll wake my mother.”
“I’ll get rid of him,” Halli said.
“No, I will,” I answered.
I knew why he was there, and I wasn’t interested. Halli and I had things to discuss—vital things—and I wasn’t sure how much time I still had. I knew the body I had just left was probably dead by now, and I didn’t know what that meant for me. What would happen to me next.
Dealing with some guy coming to my house in the middle of the night just wasn’t on the agenda.
I threw on a robe and quietly exited my bedroom.
Will heard the front door open. He came around from the side to find me.
“You have to leave,” I told him. “I have nothing more to say to you.”
It was harsh, but harshness was the only way. I couldn’t get sucked into some long conversation.
Will reached for me. “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“I’m sure that’s true, but now you have to go—”
“I broke up with Gemma.”
“Great,” I said. “I’m happy for you. We can talk about it some other time—”
Will gripped my hand. “Audie, you know why I did it.”
Yes, I suppose I did.
And a month ago, I would have been thrilled beyond belief. A month ago I would have had a hard time containing my joy. I would have thrown myself into his arms and finally taken those lips I’d been dreaming of for over a decade. I’d let him kiss me and never want him to stop.
But this wasn’t a month ago. And I wasn’t that girl. Not anymore. So much had happened. So much had changed.
Including me.
The words just sprang out of my mouth. And I knew it was me working my lips, not Halli. “Am I supposed to be flattered?” I asked him.
Will tried to pull me closer. I resisted.
“I’ve been stupid,” he said. “I get it. But I’m here now.” Then he leaned forward like that was all it took, and everything was fine, and yes, Will, here’s your kiss.
But no, Will, it wasn’t.
“What changed your mind?” I asked, just out of curiosit
y.
“You,” Will said. “Everything about you. I don’t know why I couldn’t see it before.”
“I do,” I said. Because Halli was mean to you. Halli told you the truth about yourself. Halli didn’t fall at your feet the way I always did and act like you were the greatest guy in the world. She didn’t care about you one bit. That’s why you like her. She’s right: you’re weak.
But all I said was, “I have to go back inside.” I turned toward the door.
“Audie, wait—”
I did wait. But only because I realized I had more to say.
“I’ve loved you for thirteen years,” I said. “Do you know that? Thirteen years. And you never looked at me once.”
“You’re right,” he said, reaching for my hand again. I didn’t give it to him.
“What did you think?” I asked him, my voice tense with the anger I could feel building inside. “That I’d just be so grateful whenever you finally decided to notice me? Forget it. You had your chance.”
I felt the warmth of Halli’s approval inside my heart. And it made me want to say even more.
“I’ve watched you date girl after girl who was incredibly pretty and unbelievably shallow,” I went on. “That girl Lucy? Oh my gosh. Not to mention Gemma. And that Rachel girl from sophomore year, and the one who worked at Swenson’s—”
“We barely went out—” Will tried to say, but I was having none of it.
“See, the problem with you, Will, is you have such a big heart. All those nice things you do for people—the ways you help everyone, all the money you give away—none of the girls you go out with ever appreciate it, do they? You know why? Because you always choose the wrong ones. I’m the only person who has ever seen everything you do in this world and thought it was amazing. And you know what? You’re an idiot that you never saw that before.”
“I know that,” Will said. “You’re right. But Audie, I’m telling you now I can see it.”
“So what?” I said. “Too late. I’ve been here the whole time and you never even cared. Everyone has their limits, and I have mine. This was it. Goodbye, Will. Go back to Gemma. I’m sure she’ll be glad to have you.”
“Audie—”
“I mean it. I’m in love with someone else. His name is Daniel. Go away.”
“Daniel?” I heard Will repeat, but by then I was already shutting the door. I locked it, too, not that he would have tried to bust in. I just wanted to hear the finality of the click.
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