45
I consider lying. Trying to make things sound better than they are.
But I wouldn’t want her to lie to me.
“There’s a lot going on,” I start. “And that’s an understatement.”
“I think you saved my life,” Halli says. “Am I right?”
I nod.
“Thank you,” she says. “Obviously. But then this happened?” She gestures to me and then herself. “Is there a way to undo it?”
“That is the question.” I make a decision right now not to tell her about Professor Whitfield’s theory. She doesn’t need to know there might not be a body for her to switch to.
“Listen,” I say, “Daniel and I are working on this right now.”
“Daniel?” she says with a smile. “How nice.”
“Yeah.” I smile back. But then I realize it’s ridiculous to take a moment for that when I have a lot more important things to tell her.
“There’s a professor at Oxford who’s done all this himself.”
“Really?” Halli asks. “He found a parallel universe?”
“And his parallel self—lots of them, actually. He and I are working on the science together right now—”
I guess I am lying after all, since Dr. Venn is out of the picture.
“—and we’re going to figure out a way to fix things very, very soon.”
“Good,” Halli says. “No offense, but … good.”
“I know you don’t really like it here,” I say.
“It’s not bad. I really like the fact that no one knows me. That’s a definite plus.”
“Having had a taste of it,” I say, “I know exactly what you mean. So anyway, what I need from you is to just keep doing what you’re doing.”
“I can’t,” Halli says. “It means I’d have to go to school as you tomorrow.”
“You were going to do that anyway,” I say.
“Not necessarily,” she answers. “I’ve been developing backup plans.”
“Well, please don’t use any of them. Halli, really—I’m going to solve this. You just need to have faith in me. And give me more time.”
“When will you come back?” she asks. “Can’t you just go to school yourself?”
“Maybe, but is that really how you want me to spend my time? Or would you rather I keep working with Dr. Venn and figure out a permanent solution?”
Halli pats me on the arm. “See you. Hurry now. Nice chatting with you, but … go.”
She smiles to let me know she’s joking. But I know she really isn’t.
“I’m on a timer,” I tell her. “I have no idea what it sounds like. I’m going to stay until I hear it. This was an exploratory mission. I need to learn how to use it.”
Halli leans back on my bed. “So what should we talk about? Daniel? No, Red! How is he? Is he alive? Please tell me he is.”
“Alive and just as crazy as ever.” I describe the fit Red threw when he saw me in the machine.
“That’s how you’re doing this?” Halli says. “Wow.”
“Have you ever heard of Dr. Venn?” I ask. It just occurred to me she might. Dr. Venn is part of her world.
“I don’t think so.”
I decide I’d better tell her the truth about him. “He’s … really old. And he’s sick. So it’s just Daniel and me figuring out his machine on our own.”
She doesn’t seem concerned by that. And why would she? Halli has done risky things all her life.
I hear the edge of a sound in my mind. It’s the xylophone tones again, and that makes me wonder when they went away. Have they been there this whole time, and I’ve just stopped hearing them?
Because the very next sound is a low-pitched ping. Followed by another one, then a higher-pitched tone, and I know it’s calling for me.
“I have to go,” I tell Halli. “But I’ll come back. It’s easy. I’ll do it again soon.”
I hug her quickly and then close my eyes. It seems like the thing to do.
Then I consciously choose to defocus. Let go of what I see and hear. Let go of the feeling of my bedspread against my leg. Stop living in a body that feels real.
As the pings continue, I’m back in black sky, with stars twinkling silver and gold. I am large again, weightless, made up of particles scattered in space, suspended on a blanket of black.
A voice speaks softly in my head. “Coming back now … feeling refreshed … awake and alive … coming back … and now you open your eyes.”
I do.
I wait a moment, trapped inside the machine.
“Daniel?”
A moment more passes, then light floods in as Daniel pulls up the goggles. The earphones are next.
“Hi,” I say, smiling widely.
“Hello,” he answers quickly. “Please wait.”
He continues pulling loose all the straps until I can finally climb down from the machine and into his arms.
He lifts me off my feet. He’s so happy right now, it makes me laugh. Then he sets me down and laces his hands through my hair and I lift my lips to meet his.
I stop and jerk away.
“What’s wrong?” Daniel asks.
I reach back to feel my hair. It’s long again. Or long still. The scissors never touched it.
“It works,” I say. “I bilocated. I stayed right here, didn’t I?”
“The entire time,” he confirms.
“Halli says hi.”
Daniel smiles. “You found her.”
“I did. And I got to see my mom.” A hint of a tear wants to sneak out of one eye, but I smudge it back in place.
“How do you feel?” Daniel asks.
I do a quick internal check. “Fine,” I say, “except I’m starving.” It’s like I traveled all that way on foot. Every bit of my breakfast has been used up, and I’m probably starting in on last night’s cookies.
“I could use a walk, too,” I say. “Being trapped like that …”
“Let’s go, then,” Daniel says. “There are cafés everywhere. We’ll feed you and you can tell me everything that happened.”
Red is as happy as I am to be outside. He runs to his favorite tree to catch up on his marking, then bounces along beside us, stirring up drifts of fallen leaves.
As Daniel and I walk along, I describe the experience to him. He asks the right kinds of questions to keep me remembering more and more details.
“So you simply thought her name, and there you were.”
“Yes, but it’s not like I really focused hard,” I say. “It’s more like …” I tighten my hand into a fist for a second, then relax it back open again. “Holding it loosely. Thinking about her, but not making up any specific rules. I don’t know, I’m not really making sense.”
I thread my fingers through Daniel’s and lean on him for a few steps. This is a perfect day: cold, dry, the sun staying out from behind the clouds. Red is done with his leaping and bounding for the moment, and walks closely enough at my side that I can reach down and pat his head whenever I want. A dog, a boyfriend, a beautiful day—Daniel’s right: this life isn’t bad. I could be happy here.
This probably isn’t the right time to tell him I’m leaving.
46
The idea occurred to me in a flash just a few seconds ago. It was so obvious, I almost blurted it out to Daniel right away.
But I want to enjoy a little more time with him now, just like this. So for once I keep my new theory to myself.
We find a café and sit inside near one of the big windows and enjoy a mocha and a sandwich for me, tea and a sandwich for Daniel, and a bowl of water and some chunks of cheese for Red. Our server recognizes me and can’t stop smiling. She even does a little curtsey when she brings us our order.
“Miss Markham,” she says with shy enthusiasm, “I used to read all your field reports when I was in school. I wanted to be just like you.” She laughs uncomfortably. “But … as you can see, didn’t quite get there.”
I know that feeling. That feeling of no
t living up to Halli’s example. I used to feel so inadequate next to her, too.
But I don’t feel that way anymore. Maybe because I’ve stopped trying to be Halli, and just concentrated on being me—no matter whose body I happen to be wearing at the moment.
But since I can’t exactly use that as an example, I go with something I think Halli might say. “I used to feel like I could never be like Ginny. She was so smart and brave and … well, you know.”
The server nods. “Oh, yes. I wish I had a grandmother like that—everyone did. I used to pretend I was friends with both of you, and you used to take me with you on all your adventures together …” She claps her hand to her mouth. “I can’t believe I just told you that.”
“Why?” I say. “I think it’s nice.”
The server blushes deeply. “I’m sure you don’t want to hear about me and my silly ideas. You have much more important things to do. I’m sorry to take up your time, Miss Markham. But … I just wanted to say we were all so sad for you when your grandmother passed. It was such a shock. I cried all day when I heard.”
“Thank you.” There it is again: that feeling that my feelings aren’t entirely my own. Is there some thread of Halli in me that’s making me choke up right now? Or is it just that the more I’ve heard about Ginny, the more I feel like I know her?
“And I keep babbling!” the server says nervously. “I’m so sorry. I’ll leave you two alone now. Please enjoy your lunch.” She hurries away before I can say anything else.
I slouch back against my chair and blow out a breath.
Daniel leans forward and whispers, “Nicely done, Miss Markham.”
“I don’t know how she used to do this,” I confess.
“The same way you just did.”
“Come on, you saw that. I never know what to say to these people.”
“You seem to be doing fine,” Daniel says. “You’re kind. Isn’t that what anyone wants?”
He holds his palm out on top of the table and I slip my hand into his. It feels so natural and nice. Here we are, the two of us enjoying a nice quiet date on a lovely afternoon—
So I guess it’s time to ruin it.
“Daniel?”
“Hm?”
“I’ve been thinking.”
He can probably tell from the look on my face that what I’m thinking isn’t necessarily romantic. He lets go of my hand and scoots his chair closer so we can have a more private conversation.
“I want to go back,” I tell him.
“Back where? To Dr. Venn’s office?”
“No, back further in time. I think I might have figured out how to change all this.”
47
It’s not a conversation I want to have in a small café where anyone might overhear. We quickly finish our lunch and head on back across campus.
“I just have to climb further down the root,” I say. “Past the avalanche. Even past that Sunday when the new universe split off.”
“To where, then?” Daniel asks.
“Back to when Halli was about to make her decision to stay in the Alps those extra days and keep on hiking with Karl. If I can go back to that point in time and warn her not to do it, then maybe none of this will have happened.”
Daniel is quiet while he thinks that over. “You’re not concerned you’d be interfering with her free will?”
“No. Because I wouldn’t be inside her head trying to take over, I’d be outside, in my own body, talking to her like we are right now. She can ignore me or take my advice—that’s completely up to her.”
“So let’s follow that through,” Daniel says. “If you tell Halli she’s going to be in danger a few days hence, and she decides to hike out with Sarah and Martin and me on Sunday, then that means everything goes on as it was. Halli remains Halli 1, you remain Audie 1, and you still come visit her using your same original methods.”
“Right,” I say. “That’s it.”
“But how will you ensure you can find her at that precise moment?”
“I’ll ask,” I say. “I’ll make it my focus. The same way I did when I just thought of her name and showed up in my bedroom. It’s so much easier using Dr. Venn’s machine than it was the way Olga and Christine showed me. I don’t know what it is—the motion, the complete darkness, I’m not sure.”
“Or it might be the tones,” Daniel points out. “You said you could feel the vibration on your brain.”
I stop short and grip his arm. “Oh my gosh. That’s it. That’s what happened to Dr. Sands. I know why he died.”
I wonder if even Dr. Venn knows. I only know about it because of a story Professor Whitfield told me. I quickly repeat it to Daniel.
“Professor Whitfield developed some kind of sound system using tonal oscillations. He said it helped the left and right lobes of the brain communicate with each other. It also allowed people to have OBEs—out of body experiences. There’s a professor at Columbia who tried it, this man named Herbert Hawkins, and it freaked him out so much it completely ended his friendship with Professor Whitfield.”
“How did the process work?” Daniel asks.
“Professor Whitfield would monitor the person closely while the tonal vibrations let their consciousness leave their bodies. He’d let them do it for about an hour or so, just like Dr. Venn’s machine, and then he’d call them back somehow and they’d re-enter their bodies and return to normal.”
“What happened to their bodies while they were gone?” Daniel asks.
“I don’t really know. I mean, they were alive. They were breathing and everything. But it sounded like their bodies were just in some sort of suspended, dormant mode while their minds went off and explored other dimensions.”
“And how does that relate to Dr. Sands?” Daniel asks.
“Dr. Venn said he went somewhere and forgot how to come back. What if Dr. Sands abandoned his body? How long could it keep living if his consciousness didn’t come back to it? I mean, I don’t know, Daniel. What happens if you just get up and leave your body like it’s a pair of clothes you don’t want anymore? They’re still there, lying in a heap—”
“Much the way you used to vanish in front of me,” Daniel points out.
“Yeah, but it’s because I—the me inside here—was always with my body, and I needed to get it back to where we belonged.”
I do my temple-pressing thing, but it’s not really helping. This is all so huge for me right now, it feels like it might be beyond my mental capacity to keep it all straight and organized in my head. It’s why I’m so glad I have Daniel to talk to about it. He’s like an external hard drive for me.
“So let’s return to Dr. Venn’s models,” Daniel says, proving his worth in organization and logic. “He told you he and the other Edgar Venn had discovered three ways of observing, and that now he knew you had discovered a fourth.”
“Right,” I say. “So their first way was bilocation. That’s what I did this morning. My body stayed in the machine—you can verify that.”
“I can. I saw you and I monitored your vitals.”
“Okay, good. So while I stayed there, the machine let me create a duplicate of myself to travel to Halli. That’s method one.
“Method two,” I continue, “is what I did last time I was Halli, and what ended so badly for me and for the other Edgar Venn. We inserted our consciousness into someone else’s minds, and then got treated like the invaders we were. Pain, agony, death. So we’ll be staying away from that one.”
“Then there’s the third method,” Daniel says. “The one in which they could watch a scene taking place and even convey suggestions to the versions of themselves they were visiting, but it was all accomplished at the mental level. The two Dr. Venns never actually appeared in the flesh.”
“Right,” I say. “And that’s the one that sounds like what Professor Whitfield described. You send your consciousness someplace else, but your body stays behind. And you’re not bilocating, because you don’t create a duplicate body. You just h
ang around and watch, but no one can see you.”
“Did your Professor Whitfield say anything about being able to communicate with anyone involved?”
“Sort of. He said Professor Hawkins had some contact with an ‘entity’—I have no idea what it was, and Professor Whitfield wouldn’t tell me. But he said Hawkins and the entity seemed to recognize each other and maybe even had some history together. The two of them had a pretty long conversation and Professor Hawkins ended up crying afterwards. I don’t really understand what went on. Maybe it’s the same as what the two Edgars did, maybe it’s not.”
“So which of those do you intend to use?” Daniel asks me. “To find Halli in the Alps?”
“Bilocation. Definitely. I want to talk to her face to face.”
“What will you tell her?”
“The truth,” I say. “I’m going to tell her everything that’s gone on. She’s an adventurer—she’ll love to hear about it. But then she’s going to have to make the right choice.”
“Do you believe she will?” Daniel asks.
“I’m positive. She isn’t crazy. She wants to live just as much as I do. And I’m very sure she wants to keep living as Halli Markham, not as Audie Masters.”
I hug Daniel hard. Then crouch down and pet Red in such a vigorous way he barks at me and lets his tongue hang out. He can tell I’m happy. Maybe happier than I’ve been here so far. I feel light-hearted. So close to freedom. And itching to get back in the machine.
But there’s still one thing I need to take care of.
I wrap my arms around Daniel again and look up into his eyes. “You know what this means, don’t you?”
He holds me close, just the way I want him to. “Ideally,” he says, “it means none of this takes place. But it also means we continue on the way we were. And that’s a comforting thought.”
It’s a weird thing to feel sad about leaving your boyfriend in one life just so you can go back to dating him in another one. But he’s not the only person I need to get back to. I’m happy I won’t have to give him up just so I can be with my mom again.
When we get back to Dr. Venn’s office, I can barely wait to climb back into the machine. This time it doesn’t feel claustrophobic at all. I feel like I’m getting into a rocket ship, built just for me, and as soon as all systems are in place, I can take off and travel the universe.
Parallelogram Omnibus Edition Page 89