by Sparling,Amy
I laugh nervously. “No, nothing to me, thank God. And he just like, took it out.”
“Look, if you’re giving out orgasms, the guy should be returning the favor.”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t—that would be weird. I don’t want that.”
“Well if he offers, you should say yes.”
“I’ll think about it,” I say, rolling my eyes.
The idea of having a guy do that to me makes me ten kinds of nervous. The way Kris gets when he’s about to come, the jerky movements, the groans of pleasure, and that way he like freaks out right when it happens, I can’t even imagine acting like that around a guy. Being so open and unreserved. There’s no way. That would be total mortification. I’m happy just making him happy, thank you very much.
“You be careful, Zoey,” Dana says a few minutes later. I can tell she’s still thinking about it, still worrying about it as if she was my mother. Anger rises up in me and I throw my pillow at her.
“Stop looking at me like that,” I hiss. “I’m not some baby, okay? I’m perfectly capable of hooking up with a guy.”
“Of course you are. I just don’t want you getting taken advantage of, okay? Kris is okay, but I don’t think he’s like, totally into you. He might just be using you.”
I roll my eyes and look away, but she keeps talking. “Just—be careful. I love you, Zoey. I’m happy that you’re becoming a woman and all of that, just don’t do something you’ll regret.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I say sarcastically. My phone buzzes and I grab it.
Kris: I have an empty house tonight. Wanna come over?
“He wants me to come over,” I say. “There’s no way Mom would let me out of the house, so I guess it’s girl’s night tonight. What do you want to watch?”
Dana stares at me for an uncomfortably long time. “You really wanna see him?”
“It doesn’t matter what I want. There’s no sneaking around Mom.”
“I could cover for you,” Dana says like it’s no big deal. “You sneak out and I’ll stay here, watching your big ass TV and making just enough noise to keep Aunt Mia from suspecting anything.”
“You’d do that for me?” I ask as hope surges in my chest—and in other parts.
She shrugs. “I have nothing else to do. I’d just be hanging out at home if I wasn’t here, so yeah, go for it.”
I bite on my lip to keep from smiling like an over-excited dork. “Thank you. I owe you.”
“Mmhmm,” she says with a wink just before she falls backward on my bed and fluffs the pillows behind her head.
I text Kris back and tell him I can come over if he lives within walking distance.
Luckily, he does.
Chapter 17
Sneaking out of my house on a Friday night turns out to be unbelievably easy. Dana followed me to the front door, acting as my lookout, but once Mom is in bed watching Netflix, she usually doesn’t surface for the rest of the night.
I keep my phone in my hand as I walk the three blocks to Kris’s house. He didn’t reply when I texted him that I was on my way a few minutes ago, and with each step I take, I get nervous about this.
What if I get there and it’s not even his house? What if this is some prank to make fun of me? I take a deep breath and tell myself to chill.
I’m no longer that dorky girl from two weeks ago. Now I’m sexually active, flirtatious, and I sneak out of the house to go see boys. Yeah, I’m kind of a badass.
Kris’s address leads me to a fairly big two story brick home in a neighborhood of houses that all look kind of the same. His truck is in the driveway, and a single light is on upstairs. Two other cars are parked along the side of the road, but I guess they could be visiting any of the houses on this block.
I step up to the door and hover my finger over the doorbell. He said he was the only person home tonight so…I press the doorbell and hear it chime throughout the house. Suddenly I’m very nervous, and I don’t even know why. Kris and I are friends. He doesn’t think I’m some dorky loser like the other guys in school probably still think. We’re cool. This is so not a trick.
A shadow moves in front of the frosted windows in the front door and then it opens, and Kris is there with his signature grin.
I let out the breath I’d been holding. This is fine. Not a trick.
“Come on in,” he says, sweeping his hand open as he lets me inside. Kris wears flannel pajama pants and a black T-shirt. “I’m glad you came.”
I give a casual shrug. “I didn’t have anything else going on.”
He leads me through a decorated foyer and past the living room to the stairs. Some kind of radio or television show plays from down the hallway, and then some guy yells a curse word and another person laughs. I stop.
“Someone’s here?” I ask him.
“Just some guys over for some WOW,” he says, taking my hand and tugging me past the closed door with all the noise on the other side of it. I’m guessing that’s his bedroom, but he leads me into another room.
This one is sparsely decorated in neutral colors. A queen sized bed sits in the middle of the room, all done up with one of those fancy comforters that comes with a ton of matching pillows. There are no personal items anywhere, so it doesn’t really look like anyone lives here on a daily basis.
“Guest room,” he says when he sees me looking around confused.
“Oh.” I clasp my hands together in front of me and watch him close the door behind us. The light is off, but a little lamp in the corner provides a soft glow.
“So what’s up?” I say, standing here kind of awkwardly while he walks toward me, his eyes filled with something I can’t quite place. “And what’s WOW?”
He laughs. “World of Warcraft. It’s a game. The guys come over to play it a lot.”
“And now you’re ditching them?” I say as he walks closer, his hands going to my hips. My breath hitches. “That’s awfully rude of you.”
“Nah, we’ll go in there in a minute,” he says.
I think he might kiss me, and every nerve ending in my body stands at attention, but then his lips dip down and press to my neck instead. I close my eyes and stand very still, surprised at how my body so desperately wants him to kiss me there.
His hands pull my hips against his and I feel his erection immediately. “I was thinking of something different tonight,” he says, more like growls, against my neck.
“What’s that?” My voice comes out as a whisper. I’m almost too scared to hear what he’s going to say.
He moves backward until he sits on the edge of the bed. His legs spread open a little bit and he reaches for his pants, pulling down the elastic until his erection pops right out. I breathe a sigh of relief. Just another hand job. I can do this.
He holds it in his hand and motions for me to come to him.
I walk up nervously, glad the lights are dim because penises are so weird looking. I reach out to grab it and he shakes his head. “Nah, this time let’s do a blow job.”
My heart pounds and I stop in my tracks. The way he says it, let’s do a blow job, sounds like it’s a dual effort. And although I’m completely unskilled, I’m still pretty sure that a blow job means I’ll be doing something, not the both of us.
“I don’t—I don’t really know how,” I say, feeling the heat rush to my cheeks. Also, I don’t want to do this.
I can’t find the courage to say that last part.
He nods for me to come closer with his head, all while his hand goes up and down his shaft. “Come on, I’ll show you.”
His gaze turns sultry and a little bit evil. “You can’t back out, prudy. I showered and everything for you.”
Prudy.
I sigh. “Okay, but no making fun of me,” I say as I sit on the bed next to him. “I really have no idea what I’m doing.”
“Just do it like they do in porn.”
I gaze up at him. “I’ve never watched porn.”
This makes him laugh, like really laugh, like
I’ve suddenly become the funniest person on earth. “Oh my God, you’re the cutest.” He puts his free hand on my arm. “Here, kneel down on the floor. I’ll walk you through it.”
Kneel on the floor?
Ugh.
With a deep breath, I get to my knees on the soft carpet and position myself right in between his legs. He holds it out with one hand and puts the other on the back of my head. “Use a lot of tongue. And obviously keep your teeth away.”
Um, but my teeth are in my mouth? I think as I let him push my head down until it’s staring me right in the face. I wrap my hand around it, close my eyes, and get to work.
I don’t let my mouth go down too far because every time I do, it feels like I’m going to gag. Kris keeps his hand on my head and I feel like some kind of wild animal who needs to be tamed, needs to be told what to do. But I use my tongue and go up and down, up and gown, until my lips are numb and I’m bored out of my mind. It’s hard paying attention to what I’m doing because I’m too busy freaking out inside my own head.
How did I get in this position?
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
But I’ve come too far now, and he called me prudy, and I can’t just stop and run back home or I’ll be even more humiliated when I go back to school. Kris is nice now, but there’s no way he’d keep it a secret if I bailed on him in the middle of oral sex.
Finally, finally, it’s over.
Semen tastes disgusting.
Kris runs his hands through my hair, then pulls his pajama pants back on and rises from the bed. “You did good for your first time,” he says. He holds out a hand to help me stand back up.
One more thing to check off my list, I guess. We walk back down the hallway and into his bedroom.
I feel so awkward and on display as he plops on his bed and quickly introduces me to the two guys who are sitting on the floor, playing a video game. I feel like it’s written all over my face—Zoey Caplan just gave her first blow job and she hated every second of it.
But the guys don’t seem to notice, or care, and their sole attention is on the TV screen.
“Come here,” Kris says, curling his finger toward me.
I join him on his bed, which is so big it’s probably a king size. I sit on the edge and then he tells me to come closer, so I scoot up a little and sit cross legged on top of his comforter. Kris stretches out diagonally across his bed, propping his head up with one hand. He pats the spot in front of him.
“I don’t bite,” he says.
I glance over at his friends, but they’re not paying any attention to us. Then I slide over and lay down diagonally next to him. My heart is thumping like crazy, but it’s not lust I’m feeling anymore. I kind of just want to go home.
I thought I maybe liked Kris, but now I’m not so sure. I still don’t really know the guy on a personal level. I know what his penis tastes like, but not his favorite color, if he’s allergic to anything. And it’s kind of hard to have a genuine crush on someone you only see when they want sexual favors.
Kris slides his fingers down my arm, then my thigh and back up again. “You did really good for your first time,” he says, his voice low.
I would be totally mortified that he said that in front of people but the TV is so loud and his friends keep yelling at it, so I’m pretty sure they can’t hear.
“That’s good,” I say, trying to pull some more of that flirtatious spirit from deep down inside of me. “I’m a quick learner.”
“The last blowie I got sucked because the girl’s teeth kept nicking me,” he says, curling his lip. He makes this exaggerated shudder. “But you were great.”
I give him a little smile, wondering how many other girl’s lips have been where mine just were. Did they hate it as much as I did?
Is this this price to get the attention of someone hot and popular?
Being a prude was embarrassing, but it was a hell of a lot easier to live with myself back then.
I get lost in my own thoughts because the next thing I know, Kris’s hand is sliding down to my shorts, his fingers grazing along my waistband. I suppose it’s supposed to feel good, all these nerves tingling around in places that are known for feeling good, but I’m a little too nervous to care right now. He locks his gaze on mine and then slides his hand straight down my shorts but on top of my panties.
I flinch, my eyes wide. “Kris!” I hiss as I wriggle away. “People are in here.”
He grins. “They don’t care.”
“I care,” I say, grabbing his wrist to yank his hand out.
He pouts. “Fine, prudy. Be that way.”
I roll my eyes and fall over on my back. “I’m not a prude,” I whisper as I stare at his ceiling. There’s a poster of a naked chick on a motorcycle taped up there. Her boobs are the size of pumpkins despite the rest of her body being tiny. And Dana thinks I have big boobs. Ha.
“I know you’re trying not to be one, but the prude is still in you,” he says, running a finger down my neck. I hate that my skin puckers up in goosebumps at the feel of it.
“Why do you think that?” I say, heat rushing to my face. “I’m not trying to do anything.”
He licks his lips. “I just figured after that list came out and you’d want to prove it wrong.”
I shrug. “I don’t care about the list.”
He moves until he’s on top of me, his elbows on the bed on either side of my face. “Seems like you care,” he says, running his tongue along my neck.
“Well I don’t,” I breathe. “I like having fun just like any other girl.”
He chuckles, his breath tickling my ear. “Oh, I’ll teach you to have fun,” he says. Then he grinds his hips into mine so hard it makes me gasp.
“Dude, get a fucking room,” one of his friends says from the floor.
Kris rolls off me and gives him the finger. “Fuck off. This is my room.”
Chapter 18
After losing some kind of video game battle, the guys shut off the TV and we watch a movie about some mafia guy who has a lot of explicit sex. At seventeen years old, I’m feeling like a loser because this is the first time I’ve ever seen such graphic sex on TV before. Finally, when the movie is over, I tell Kris I’m going to head home.
He walks me down to the front door and then tells be bye like I’m just some neighbor who came over to borrow an egg or something.
I guess I didn’t expect a goodnight kiss or anything romantic, but a boring goodbye is definitely not what I wanted.
I text Dana on my walk home.
Me: I’m headed home now. Is the coast clear?
She hasn’t responded by the time I’ve turned onto my road, so I text her again.
Me: Dude? I’m almost home. Is Mom still asleep?
Me: DANA! Don’t make me stand out here forever.
I hang around near the apartment complex’s community pool, gazing up at the dark windows in my duplex apartment. She must have fallen asleep, which means Mom’s probably asleep too.
I dig my key out of my pocket and very carefully slide it into the lock. When I open the front door, it seems to shake the entire building with its loudness, or maybe that’s my imagination.
I step inside carefully, then close the door behind me, twisting the deadbolt slowly so it’s as quiet as possible.
Then I turn around and run straight into my mother.
Her long black hair is pulled into a ponytail. Her pissed off expression is lit up by the glow of a cell phone. Dana’s cell phone.
“I had to pee and I heard this phone going off repeatedly. I went to check on you two and I only see one girl in your bed.”
A horribly long silence stretches between us.
“You want to explain yourself?” Mom says. She puts the phone in my hand. The lock screen is on, but it shows my last three messages right there out in the open for everyone to see.
“I was just going for a walk,” I say.
I wonder if she knows. If she can just look at her daughter and k
now I’ve given a blow job tonight. Swallowing, I push back the thoughts of this epically stupid and boring night and stand a little more confidently. “I couldn’t sleep, I’m sorry.”
“Is that so?” Mom says, folding her arms across her chest. “So why do you smell like a boy?”
“Huh?” I take a step back, willing whatever scent is on me to go away.
Mom’s eyes narrow into slits. “I know what a man’s soap smells like and neither one of us uses it. How dare you sneak out of my house to meet a guy. I thought you were better than that.”
“I didn’t—” I say, but my argument dies on my lips. There’s nothing I can say to convince her because she’s right. I fucked up.
“I’m sorry,” I say, walking past her. “If it makes you feel any better, I hated every second of it.”
“What is wrong with you?” Mom says, following me through our small kitchen. I stop and she stares me down, a look of concern in her features. “You’ve changed a lot in the last couple of weeks. You seem…weird. Do you have a boyfriend now? Is that it?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Did someone hurt you?”
I shake my head again. “It’s nothing, Mom. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
She doesn’t stop me when I go into my bedroom and close the door behind me.
Dana sits up, rubbing her eyes and yawning. The TV is still on, the Netflix screen asking if we’re still watching. “What’s going on?” Dana says sleepily.
I throw her phone at her and it bounces off the bed. She winces and gives me a look. “You were supposed to be my lookout and you failed,” I say, stomping to my closet as I pull off these clothes that make me feel so filthy because Kris’s hands were all over them.
“Sorry,” Dana mutters. She doesn’t seem very sorry.
“Oh yeah,” I say, tossing her a look over my shoulder. “Kris made me give him a blow job. It was pretty much the worst thing ever.”