by Ashley West
"Everyone failed the last time. It wasn't only you."
He shook his head at her. No one understood. Very few of the people who had been there were left alive, and no one had the same drive that he had. His friends, his companions, his family had all been killed by these smiling monsters, and no one understood that he wouldn't be able to rest until they were dead.
"It's only me now," he said. "And I have to do this."
"No, you don't!" she insisted. "You can leave them to it. Whatever they're doing on Earth of all places is probably years in the making at this point. For all we know, they've been hiding there this whole time. And what are you going to do, shuffle in and tell them to stop? Get revenge on an entire race of people by yourself. You're not thinking clearly, and you know it. For years, you've been driven by this...this hate, this need for vengeance, and it's going to get you killed, Sorrin. I don't want more of my friends to end up dead."
There was a twinge of remorse from him at those words. The people that they had lost in the first battle had been Poola's friends, too. They'd been people that the pair of them had trained with, served with, fought with, and now they were gone. To tell the truth, Sorrin wasn't sure he was going to come back from this self-assigned mission, and to be even more honest, he didn't care. This wasn't about him or his survival. This was about finally settling this once and for all.
"Poola," he said softly. "I understand what you're trying to say."
"But it doesn't matter." It wasn't a question.
"No," Sorrin said honestly.
She sighed again, tugging at her hair in her frustration with him. Sorrin let her do whatever she needed to, including punching him hard in the arm. He didn't even flinch, just continued to hold her gaze.
The noise of defeat she made had him smiling just a bit. "Fine. Fine, you stubborn-" Poola huffed. "I'll see what I can do. It won't be pretty or luxurious, nothing like what you were used to back in the day, but it'll get you to Earth in one piece. I can't vouch for you getting back, though."
"That's fine," he said. "I know someone who can help me make sure it's sound for the journey there, and I'll worry about getting back when the time comes."
"Right." She was clearly not convinced that he cared about getting back at all. Sorrin couldn't blame her for that. "Right. Give me two days. Or is that not quick enough, Your Impatience?"
Sorrin reached out and clasped her arm in his hand. "It's fine. Thank you, Poola."
"Don't. I'm not exactly thrilled to be party to helping to send you to your death." Poola hesitated for a moment and then spoke again. "Are you going to say goodbye to Halphia?"
That was the question he had been wrestling with for the entire time that he'd known where the Camadors were. It had been a long week and a half so far, full of scouring the news for any other information he could get and gathering the supplies he would need for the trip. A ship was all that was standing between him and making the journey now, and so he'd contacted Poola to see if she could help him. He hadn't expected her to show up on his doorstep demanding answers before she did anything to help.
He had, however, expected her to bring up Halphia. The Senator of Gollen Par had been more than just his boss and the political leader of the place he'd called home. Halphia had been...it felt odd to call her his best friend, but there wasn't another term he could think of that fit.
They had confided in each other in a way that Sorrin had never known before. She'd trusted him with her confidences, with her insecurities, and he in turn had done the same with her. Sorrin was her closest adviser, closer even than the people who were actually paid to advise her, and she'd consulted him for his opinion on nearly every matter of importance.
It had been Sorrin who'd told her they should attack the Camadors. He'd been hopped up on a cocktail of confidence in his squad and youthful arrogance born of the kind of surety that came with winning battles consistently. He'd been so sure.
And in the end, it had been the wrong call. It was the worst decision Sorrin had ever made, and the fault was his, even though the blame was rested on Halphia's shoulders. And she'd never complained about it. A burden of leadership, she'd called it. That was what had driven Sorrin away in his disgrace.
He'd prostrated himself at her feet and told her he had to leave, and she'd let him go.
And now...
Now he might never see her again.
"Sorrin," Poola said gently. "Don't leave without talking to her. You know how it would make her feel. And how it would make you feel, but I doubt you care too much about your own feelings at this point."
Poola always had seen him far too clearly.
"Alright," he said.
The trip to Gollen Par was a short one from the place he was staying. Just a day trip, made in his personal shuttle while Caldir looked over the one that Poola had secured for him for the trip to Earth.
It'd been four years since he'd last come here, and it looked much the same as it had when he'd left. Minus the smoke of still smoldering fires on the horizon and the charred remnants of buildings that had burned.
Instead, things were shiny and new, a testament to how the citizens of Gollen Par were dedicated to making sure their home was a good place to live.
The first sight of it through the window of his shuttle stole his breath for several seconds, and he stared. The bright crystal on the top of the Senate building was still cracked and smoky, an ever present reminder of what had happened, but the building itself was restored to its former glory. Triumph over adversity, but never forgetting that things could go bad. The kind of message that Halphia would want to send to her people.
It made Sorrin want to smile and cry at the same time.
The building had new carpeting and new windows and new wooden paneling, and Sorrin stepped inside and looked around. He felt like running away, like he couldn't get enough air, like he needed to be anywhere but here.
"Sorrin?"
In the middle of his crisis, a familiar voice cut through, and he looked up to see Donar, Halphia's aide standing there with his ever present tablet and a shocked expression.
Sorrin tried to arrange his face into something other than a pained grimace. "Donar."
"You're here."
"So it would seem." Honestly, Sorrin was as surprised as Donar sounded. When Poola had mentioned it, he'd thought it for the best that he just leave, but the more the idea turned over in his mind, the more he realized he couldn't just go without saying something to Halphia. If he died on Earth and never even let her know that he was going to try and make things right, he'd feel terrible. Worse than he already felt, honestly. "Is the Senator available?"
Donar frowned and then shook his head as if to clear it. He checked the tablet and then nodded. "She has a meeting in two hours, but she's free now. I believe she'll just be finishing lunch. You're here to...speak with her?"
"Yes," Sorrin said, nodding.
Looking like there was more he wanted to say, Donar settled for just nodding and then motioning for Sorrin to follow him.
Though the building had been remodeled in the last four years, the path to Halphia's office was the same. Sorrin didn't even need to follow Donar, as his feet remembered the twists and turns that led them deeper into the building and right to the center until they were in front of the handsome door, finished in dark wood, though it had the same sensors as the rest of the building save the outermost doors.
Donar pressed the button to bring up the speaker and then spoke into it. "Senator Halphia, there's a visitor." He glanced at Sorrin, seemingly torn over whether to tell her who her visitor was or not.
"Is it someone worth interrupting my break for?" Halphia responded, and even the sound of her voice over the speaker was enough to kick Sorrin's heartrate up a notch, making him feel ill. She was still the same, then. Bright and happy and irreverent. People had always said that she was an odd choice for Senator, young and carefree as she was when she was elected, but she cared about the people fiercely, devoting her time and energy an
d resources to making sure they had what they needed.
"I believe so," Donar was saying, and then the door was sliding open. Donar looked at Sorrin. "She will be surprised," he said, and then strode away.
Sorrin stood in the open doorway, almost afraid to move. His stomach was a mess of fluttering and rolling, and he clenched his hands into fists at his side, dragging in a deep breath. Four years and a tragedy stood between him and the woman inside the office, and he was aware that he didn't know her like he'd known her before. He wasn't the same man he'd been back then, and part of him was terrified that she would hate who he'd become.
He stepped in, anyway. One thing that hadn't changed was that he never let his fear control him.
"Halphia," he said, voice inaudible to even his own ears. And there she was.
One of the comments some of the more conservative members of the galactic Senate made was that she was too pretty to be a leader. She was beautiful, that was certain, though it had never affected her leading style. Her hair tumbled down her back in silvery curls, held back from her face by a headband that rested just behind the neat pair of small horns on her head. Her skin was dark and just slightly shimmery, and her eyes were a bright blue. Her pert little nose was wrinkled as she looked down at the screen embedded in her desk, and she looked to all the world like she was working on something important, but Sorrin knew she was really reading some mystery serial. Unless she was in one of her romance phases again.
She looked up when he stepped fully inside, and her eyes went wide.
"Sorrin," she breathed, shock written all over her pretty face.
"Senator."
Halphia's eyes narrowed at that. "Don't."
"Excuse me?" Sorrin's heart was still racing.
"Don't call me that. Don't come in here with your deference like you never meant anything to me, Sorrin."
He blinked, confused. "I thought..."
"I know what you thought. I know what you think. I know how you think. If you remember, Sorrin, I am the person who knows you best. Or I was, at the very least." She averted her eyes, but not quickly enough for Sorrin to miss the look of pain that flashed through them. It only made him feel worse, and he was beginning to wish he hadn't come.
"Halphia." That was better, that was easier. He wasn't the same person he'd been before, but somehow being on the same terms with her as he'd been before felt natural.
"Better," she said, and she got to her feet.
She was much shorter than his seven or so feet of height, and her head would rest nicely under his chin if she hugged him.
She did not hug him.
Instead, she came forward and hit him right in the stomach with a small fist. It didn't hurt, really, not with the muscle he had there, but he staggered back anyway, letting her make her point.
"Where in the void have you been?" she demanded, stepping back and propping her hands up on her hips. "You resign from my service and then just disappear? Who does that?"
"I told you I was leaving!"
"You didn't say it would be forever!" she fired back. "Take some time to clear your head and come to terms with what happened, sure, but you never said I wasn't going to see you again."
"You're seeing me now," Sorrin pointed out.
Halphia gave him a look. "I know why you're here."
"You do?"
"Of course I do. I told you, I know how you think. You're here because the Camadors have resurfaced. If I know you like I think I do, then you're going after them."
Sorrin exhaled messily and nodded. "I am. I owe them after what they did here."
Something in Halphia's face softened at his words, and she sighed. "Sorrin, will you carry that for the rest of your life? It was a tragedy, yes, but you don't have to let it weigh you down. You don't have to do this."
It was the same thing Poola had told him for the most part, and Sorrin made a frustrated noise. "That isn't what I came to discuss," he said. She wasn't going to change his mind any more than Poola had, and he didn't want to go around in circles discussing it with her.
"Then why are you here, Sorrin?"
"I thought you said you knew."
She gave him an arch look and shook her head. "Perhaps I want to hear it from you. You came all this way to say it, did you not?"
"It wasn't that long of a journey."
"That is beside the point."
It was just like old times, honestly. Her wit was unmatched, and she'd never let him win a verbal sparring match to date. Sorrin had always admired her for that. Small and female she might have been, but she was no pushover, and she bowed to no one.
She wanted to hear him say it, and it was the reason he was there in the first place, so he drew himself up and let out a soft sigh. "Halphia, I'm going after them. And...I don't expect to be coming back."
There. He'd said it. He'd said it, and he knew that she was going to hit him again or else yell at him or something, so he braced himself for that.
And continued to brace himself.
And then stared at her when she didn't respond at all.
Instead she was just watching him with that same look of hurt and sadness in her eyes that she'd had when he'd walked out of the remnants of her office years ago. Sorrin knew that she'd taken it personally, even though that hadn't been his intention. He hadn't been leaving her, just her service, and even though he wasn't leaving her now, he knew she felt the same way. He shouldn't have come.
"Halphia-"
She cut him off by lifting an imperious hand.
"You're going after them," she repeated. "And you don't expect to be back. Sorrin, what is wrong with you? Do you think your death is going to bring back those we lost? Do you think it will restore your comrades to life? Your family? Do you think any one of them wished for your demise in their last moments?" He had expected her to yell at him, but her voice was even and flat, like she was just tired, and it was Sorrin's turn to sigh.
"That isn't the point. I know I can't bring them back. All I can do is avenge their deaths."
"This isn't vengeance," she said, and it was in that same tone. "This is a suicide mission. And a selfish one at that. No one, absolutely no one will benefit from you doing this, and yet you're going to do it anyway because you only care about yourself."
"That isn't true."
She snorted. "Isn't it? When you could have stayed here and helped rebuild, you fled. When the people could have used your help, you were gone."
"I was injured."
"You got better, clearly! You're standing here before me, looking like every bit the warrior you were when you left four years ago. You could have come back." Now her voice dropped to something resembling a whisper. "I thought you were going to come back."
It hit him then, that Halphia had needed him. She'd been in charge of all of this, the entire city and its reconstruction, the funerals and all the mourning that had no doubt happened. Her own feelings had been pushed aside so she could be there for her people, and no one had been there for her. That was Sorrin's role, traditionally. As her friend, he was the one who went to her and made sure she had someone to vent to at the end of a long day or when the rest of the Senate was being impossible to work with. Or when tragedy struck. She'd relied on him heavily, and he hadn't been there.
It was a wonder that she'd let him in at all. This was just another failure. Something he'd messed up to the point of not being able to fix it. People kept telling him that it wasn't his fault this or that happened, but they didn't see. His carelessness, his selfishness was just making everything worse.
"I shouldn't have come."
When Halphia looked up, her eyes were blazing, and she was truly mad now. "Is that what you heard?" she demanded. "Honestly, I don't know what happened to you, Sorrin. Or rather, I suppose I do, but it just makes me so sad for you. You're going to throw your life away for no reason, you act like you have no right to be here when this was your home for so long. You just don't understand, and I don't know how to make you see. I
missed you. Do you understand that? I missed you like I was missing a limb, and I kept telling myself that it would be fine because you were coming back. I saw how upset you were. I saw how much Gollen Par meant to you and how much what happened affected you, and I knew you were going to want to make it right. So I waited. And I waited. And you never came back."
“I know.” There wasn’t anything else to say, really. They both knew what had happened, and they both knew what was going to happen now, and there was really no way to make it different. Sorrin had failed. He’d failed the city, he’d failed Halphia time and time again, and now he was going to make sure that he couldn’t fail anyone again.
“Why are you here?” she asked again.
“I wanted to say goodbye.”
“You said goodbye the first time,” she pointed out. “If you never meant to come back, then why say it again now?”
Sorrin didn’t have an answer for that. Telling her that Poola had suggested it was the wrong response, and he knew that. There wasn’t much he could really say to make her understand why he’d needed to do what he did. So he went with honesty in a different way. “Because I wanted to see you again before the end of it. I wanted you to know that I…” That he what? That he was going to do this for her? For the people? That he’d be thinking of her to his last? “That you were the best friend I ever had.”
A war took place on Halphia’s face, then. She looked like she desperately wanted to stay angry with him, but just couldn’t bring herself to do it, and finally she gave in and let the tears well in her eyes. She’d missed him, she said, and Sorrin could see it now. He could see how much she wanted to ask him to stay, and he could see that she knew he wouldn’t.
There were no more words between them. Sorrin took the initiative and stepped closer, enveloping her in a hug. Halphia was still for a moment, and then she sighed and hugged him back. They both pretended like she wasn’t crying.
“She’s all done,” Caldir said when Sorrin walked up to the roof. He was grinning and covered in grease, so Sorrin was sure that he’d gone and done things ‘the old fashioned way’. That was fine. There wasn’t anyone else around that he was going to trust with making sure a ship was good enough to get him all the way to Earth, so if Caldir said she was done, then she was done.