CSI (Five), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Cullum, Jamie: irritating smug little face of, 1
Culshaw, Jon, 1
Curb Your Enthusiasm (BBC4), 1, 2, 3
Curse Of Friends Reunited (Five), 1
Cutting Edge: Seconds To Impact (C4), 1
Daly, Tess, 1, 2
Dance, Charles: menacing voice, 1;
liberates Iraq on clockwork dog, 2
Daniel Deronda (BBC1), 1, 2
David Blaine: Above The Below (Sky), 1
David, Larry, 1
Davidson, Jim: provokes tooth-grinding, 1;
compared unfavourably to a bit of rag on a stick, 2;
experts define worthlessness of, 1;
endured by Wogan audience, 1;
almost responsible for destruction of Earth, 1;
sawn open in vivid fantasy, 1;
among worst of decade, 1
Davies, Andrew: envious speculation regarding bank balance, 1
Davies, Alan: hunts notional pig, 1;
Christ, no, anyone but him, 2
Dawson, Les, 1
Dawson’s Creek (C4), 1, 2, 3, 4
Day, Darren, 1
De Caunes, Antoine, 1
Deadly Spitting Cobras (ITV), 1
The Deal (C4), 1
Death By Home (BBC1), 1
Deayton, Angus: and Osama Bin Laden, 1;
falls from grace, 2
Dennis, Les: dances to Steps, 1;
nation debates potential suicide of, 2;
has personal life mocked by jackals, 1, 314
Derren Brown: see Brown, Derren
Derren Brown: Mind Control 2 (C4), 1, 2
Des and Mel Show (ITV1), 1
Diamond, Ann, 1
Dick And Dom In Da Bungalow (BBC1), 1
Dickinson, David: mysterious sex appeal of, 1
Diesel, Vin, 1
Dimmock, Charlie, 1
Dirty War (BBC1), 1
Doctor Who (BBC1), 1
Doctor Who, The Movie, 1
Doctor Zhivago (ITV1), 1, 2
Dog Eat Dog (BBC1), 1
The Double Life Of Jonathan King (C4), 1
Doyle, Craig, 1
Dr Fox: hammers nail through crab, 1;
compared with Simon Cowell, 2;
congratulates androids, 1 ;
laughs in face of progress, 1
Dreamspaces (BBC3), 1
Drunk And Dangerous (BBC1), 1
EastEnders (BBC1), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Emmerdale (ITV1), 1, 2, 3
Enterprise (Sky One), 1
The Entertainers (BBC2), 1
Eriksson, Sven Goran, 1
Eurotrash (C4), 1
Evans, Chris: gaudy stunts of, 1;
fails to realise full extent of genius, 2
Faking It, 1
Fame Academy (BBC1), 1, 2, 3, 4
Fame, Set And Match – Breakfast TV
(BBC2), 1
FANatic (C4), 1
Fashanu, John, 1, 2
Fastlane (Sky One), 1
Faulkner, Lisa: shoved face-first in fryer, 1, 2
Fear Factor (Sky One), 1
Feltz, Vanessa, 1
Fielding, Yvette, 1
Finnegan, Judy, 1
Finney, Albert, 1
Flight Deck: DC9, 1
Fogle, Ben, 1
Food Junkies (BBC2), 1
football: Santa injured at stadium, 1;
tediousness of, 2;
kills Rod Hull, 1;
is worse than Jamie Cullum, 1;
shouldn’t be televised, 1;
smells and is rubbish, 343
Fox, Edward, 1
Freeman, Ian, 1
Friendly TV network (Sky 1), 2
Friends (C4), 1
The Frontier House (C4) 1, 2
Garnett, Tony, 1
Garraway, Kate, 1
Gascoigne, Paul: incomprehensibility of, 1
Geller, Uri, 1, 2, 3
The Generation Game (BBC1), 1, 2
George Best’s Body (C4), 1
Georgian Underworld (C4), 1
Gladiators – The Brutal Truth (BBC2), 1
GMTV (ITV1), 1
Goodnight Sweetheart (BBC1), 1
Goody, Jade: cackling, 1;
meeting Robin Hood, 2;
threatening to open wormhole, 1
Grand, Tommy, 1
Grandstand (BBC1), 1
Grange Hill (BBC1), 1
Green, Tom, 1
G-String Divas (Five), 1
Gwynne, Haydn, 1
Halliwell, Geri, 1
Hamilton, Christine, 1, 2
Happiness (BBC2), 1
Harbour Lights (BBC2), 1
Harris, Rolf: proves tricky to pin down, 1
Hattersley, Roy, 1
Have-a-Go Heroes (BBC1), 1
Headf**ck (Sci-Fi), 1
Hear’Say: adored by populace, 1;
reviled by populace; 213
Helvin, Marie, 1
Hetchin, Paul, 1
Hewitt, Gavin, 1
Holby City (BBC1), 1, 2, 3, 4
Holder, Noddy, 1
Holiday Insider’s Guide (BBC1), 1
Hollyoaks (C4), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Holmes, Eamonn, 1
Hopper, Dennis, 1
Hotel Babylon, 1
How To Watch Television (C4), 1
Hull, Rod: killed by world’s most rubbish sport, 1, 2
Human Instinct (BBC1), 1
Humble, Kate, 1
Hunniford, Gloria: sits in skip, 1;
fails to spoil something, 1
I Am Not an Animal (BBC2), 1
I Dare You (Five), 1
I Want A Famous Face (MTV), 1
I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!
(ITV1), 1, 2, 3, 4
Icke, David, 1
If … (BBC2), 1
If … The Generations Fall Out (BBC2), 1
If … We Don’t Stop Eating (BBC2), 1
Ingram, Major Charles: as folk hero, 1;
meets Jade Goody, 2
The Inspector Lynley Mysteries (BBC1), 1
Irwin, Steve, 1
Isaacs, Mark, 1
It Shouldn’t Happen To A Chat Show Host (ITV), 1, 2
It’s A Girl Thing (C4), 1
ITN News (ITV1), 1, 2
Jack Bauer (24): defies authority, 1;
drives technomobile, 2;
is chased by visibly erect Honey Monster, 1;
loses wife and child, 1;
suffers breakdown, grows beard, 1;
wigs out completely, 1;
loses war on drugs, 1
Jackass (MTV), 1
Jackpot (BBC2), 1
Jackson, Michael, 1
Jagger, Mick, 1
Jamie’s Kitchen (C4), 1
The Jerry Atrick Show (Five), 1, 2
Jez Quigley (Coronation Street), 1
Jim Davidson’s Generation Game (BBC1), 1, 2, 3, 4
Joey (Friends), 1
John, Elton, 1
Johnny And Denise: Passport To Paradise (BBC1), 1
Jones, Terry, 1
Jonsson, Ulrika, 1, 2
Jordan, 1
The Joy Of Text (BBC1), 1
Judge John Deed (BBC1), 1
Jupitus, Phil, 1, 2
Justine (from Elastica), 1
Kay, Vernon: presents Boys and Girls, 1;
hums theme tune until viewer contemplates mass murder, 2;
contracts bubonic plague, 1
Kelly, Lorraine, 1, 2
Kelly, Matthew, 1
Kemp, Martin, 1
Kemp, Ross: stares at knotholes, 1;
kills people, 2;
with Martin Kemp, 1;
mentioned alongside Pac-Man, 1;
unsuitability for timelord role, 1
Kensit, Patsy: gets bum licked clean by Bo’ Selecta, 1
Kenyon Confronts (BBC1), 1
Kenyon, Paul, 1
Kielty, Patrick: enjoys Christmas, 1;
notional te
acup antics fail to impress, 2
Kilroy (BBC1), 1, 2;
like waiting for a bus, 3
Kilroy-Silk, Robert: as antichrist, 1;
as evil presence, 2;
as Judge Death, 1
Kim (24), 1
King, Jonathan: plays zulu, 1;
as sexual predator, 2;
complains to author, 1
Kirsty’s Home Videos (Sky One), 1
Knoxville, Johnny, 1
Kylie Entirely (C4), 1
LA Pool Party (BBC Choice), 1, 2, 3, 4
Late Night With Letterman (ITV2), 1
The Learning Zone (BBC2), 1
Lennon, John: attacked by viking, 1;
inspires monumental bullshit, 2
Leno, Jay, 1
Les Dawson’s Lost Diaries (C4), 1
Leslie, John: attacks contestant with broom, 1;
masks erection, 2;
chat-up lines of, 1;
considered fortunate by taxi driver, 1;
noticeably absent, 229
Linda Green (BBC1), 1
Lineker, Gary, 1
Lipstick Years: Sec’s Appeal (BBC2), 1
Little Britain (BBC3), 1, 2, 3
Littlejohn, Richard: wrecks planet, 1;
warrants dishonorable mention, 2;
relationship with French, 1;
gets slagged off again, 340
Lloyd, Sian, 1
The Long Firm (BBC2), 1
Looking 4 Love (BBC Choice), 1
Love On A Saturday Night (ITV1), 1
Luvvies: The Awards The Stars Don’t Want To Win (ITV1), 1, 2
Luxton, Charlie, 1
Lydon, John: likened to pantomime dame, 1;
in Australia, 2, 3
Lynam, Desmond, 1
Lyndhurst, Nicholas, 1
Lythgoe, Nigel: orders gammon steak, 1;
resembles Admiral Ackbar, 2;
remains unmoved, 1;
outdone by girl, 1;
chickens out, 1;
oozes glamour, 1
MacGowan, Shane, 1
Maconie, Stuart, 1
Madeley, Richard: ubiquity of, 1;
impersonates Ali G, 2
Making The Band (C4), 1, 2
Manhunter (Sky One), 1
Marquess of Bath: stomach-churning artworks of, 1
Marsden, Dr John, 1
Marven, Nigel, 1
Masters of Darkness: Rasputin (C4), 1
Mayall, Rik, 1
McAndrew, Nell, 1
McCall, Davina: omnipresence of, 1;
grating voice of, 2;
depressed by, 1;
begged to consider eight-year sabbatical, 1;
replaced by Kate Thornton, 1
McCoy, Sylvester, 1, 2
McCririck, John, 1
McDonald, Trevor: trusted by Friendly TV presenters, 1;
inhabits computerised hellscape, 2
McFadden, Steve, see Phil Mitchell
McGann, Paul, 1
McKeith, Dr Gillian, 1
Mears, Ray, 1, 2
Mediums: Talking to the Dead (BBC2), 1
Meet The Popstars (ITV), 1
Mersey Beat (BBC1), 1, 2
Messenger, Melinda, 1
Michael Landy: The Man Who Destroyed Everything (BBC2), 1
Michael, George, 1
Michelmore, Cliff, 1
Middlemiss, Jayne, 1, 2, 3
Midsomer Murders (ITV1), 1
Ministry Of Mayhem (ITV1), 1
Minogue, Kylie, 1
Model Behaviour (C4), 1
Monarch Of The Glen (BBC1), 1, 2
Monkey Dust (BBC3), 1, 2
Morgan, Piers, 1
Morrissey, David, 1
Moses (BBC1), 1
Mostue, Trude, 1, 2
Munnery, Simon, 1, 2
Murnaghan, Dermot, 1
My Breasts Are Too Big (C4), 1
My Uncle Silas (ITV), 1
My Worst Week (BBC1), 1
Nail, Jimmy, 1
Naked Elvis (C4), 1
The National Lottery (BBC1), 1
Neighbours (BBC1), 1
Neill, Sam, 1
Nesbitt, James, 1
Never, Never (C4), 1
Neville, Gary, 1
The New Tom Green Show (C4), 1
Newsround (BBC1), 1
Nick Cotton (EastEnders), 1, 2
Norton, Graham: plays Brian in Big Brother,1;
becomes tiresome, 2;
remains tiresome, 272
O’Connor, Des: discusses ‘bimbo-bumbo’, 1
O’Neill, Martin, 1
The Office (BBC2), 1, 2, 3, 4
Oliver, Jamie: plugs Sainsburys, 1, 2;
turns air blue, 3;
likened to Roy Hattersley, 1;
is not a timelord, 1;
can just about fuck off, 1
Omaar, Rageh, 1
One Night Stands (Five), 1
One Night With Robbie Williams (BBC1), 1, 2
Ono, Yoko: talking absolute bollocks, 1
Osbourne, Ozzy, 1
Osbourne, Sharon, 1
The Osbournes, 1
Ouch! (Five), 1
Our Tune (Sky One), 1
Owen, Mark, 1
Oz, 1
Palmer, Patsy, 1
Palmer-Tomkinson, Tara, 1
Parkinson (BBC1), 1
Parkinson, Michael, 1, 2, 3
Penk, Steve, 1
The People’s Queen (BBC1), 1
A Perfect Match (C4), 1
Pertwee, Jon, 1
Petri dish: used by Justice League of America, 1;
beneath Dominic Mohan’s desk, 2;
providing cast of Hollyoaks, 1;
universal, scraped out for Blind Date, 1;
populace reclining within, 1;
role in creation of Jamie Cullum, 1;
The Phantom Flan Flinger, 1
Phil Mitchell (EastEnders): compared to Ricky Butcher, 1;
pursuing Sonia with mace, 2;
pooing like a horse, 1;
violating a dog, 1;
unveiling genitalia, 1;
presenting Britain’s Hardest, 1
pinecones: providing seats for contestants, 1;
covered in snow, 2;
sat on by Queen, 1;
experience of sitting on replicated by Curb Your Enthusiasm, 1;
made of tinfoil, excreted, 1;
shat by Dr Gillian McKeith, 1
Pingu (BBC1), 1
Piper, Billie, 1
Platinum (BBC3), 1
Pop Idol (ITV1), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Popstars (ITV), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Popstars: The Rivals (ITV1), 1, 2
pornography: starring clown, set on steamboat, 1;
broadcast on BBC1, 2;
starring Ross Kemp, 1;
as viewed by basement masturbator, 1;
starring goat, 1;
set to music, 1
Pornography: The Musical (C4), 1
posh people: with infuriating voices, 1;
playing detective, 2;
having silly names, copulating loudly in hotel rooms, 1;
young and loaded, 1;
considered punchable, 1;
getting bums out on Big Brother, 1;
unwashed, 1
The Powerpuff Girls (Cartoon Network), 1
President Palmer (24), 1, 2
Psychic Night (C4), 1
The Psychic Show (ITV1), 1
Pushed To The Limit: Britain’s Toughest Family (BBC1), 1
The Queen: possibly a lizard, 1;
appeals to delusional idiots, 2;
wears blank expression on toilet, 1;
bores nation with Jubilee, 1 ;
sees Blair’s trousers fall down, 1;
pitiful viewing preferences of, 1
A Question Of TV (BBC1), 1
Rail Cops (BBC1), 1, 2
Rasputin: penetrates ham sandwich, 1
Ray Mears’ Extreme Survival (BBC2), 1
Real Sex (Five), 1
The Real Texas Chain Saw Massacre (C4), 1
The Real Winona Ryder (C4), 1
Reborn In The USA (ITV1), 1, 2, 3
Rice, Anneka, 1
Richard and Judy (C4), 1
Ricky Butcher (EastEnders), 1
Rider, Steve, 1
Riley, Lisa, 1, 2
Rippon, Angela, 1
Rivron, Rowland, 1, 2
The Robbie Williams Show (BBC1), 1
Robinson, Anne, 1, 2
Robson, Bobby, 1
Rockface (BBC1), 1
Rogan, Joe, 1
Rolf Harris At The Royal Albert Hall (BBC1), 1
Ronson, Jon, 1, 2
Roslin, Gaby, 1
Ross, Jonathan: upsets doomed puppeteer, 1
Ross, Paul: patronising soundbites from, 1;
advice on avoiding, 2;
as reliable indicator of quality, 1;
general sense of unease about, 1;
Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn Page 41