Charlie Brooker's Screen Burn

by Charlie Brooker

  is thankfully absent, 1

  Rowland, Dan, 1

  Ryan, Chris, 1

  Ryder, Winona, 1

  S Club 1, 2, 3, 4

  Sadowitz, Jerry, 1, 2

  Sara-Michelle, 1

  Sayer, Leo, 1

  Scott, Dr Sandra, 1

  Scrubs (Sky One), 1

  Scully, Hugh, 1, 2

  Seaman, David, 1

  Secret History (C4), 1

  The Secret Lives of Ghosts and Werewolves (BBC1), 1

  The Secret Rulers Of The World (C4), 1, 2

  Selina Scott Meets Donald Trump, 1

  Servants (BBC1), 1

  Sex And The City (C4), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Sex BC (C4), 1, 2

  Sex Empires (BBC2), 1

  Shafted (ITV1), 1

  Shameless (C4), 1

  Shaw, Mark, 1

  Shaw, Martin, 1

  Sheen, Michael, 1

  The Shield (Five), 1, 2

  Shipwrecked 2 (C4), 1

  Shopology (BBC2), 1

  Showbiz Set (C4), 1

  Simm, John, 1, 2

  Simon, Peter, 1

  Simply DIY (Granada Breeze), 1

  Simply The Best (ITV1), 1

  Sissons, Peter: booming, 1;

  meeting Roland Rat, 2;

  singing Welcome to the Jungle, 1;

  bellowing, 1;

  winning Rear of the Year, 1 ;

  starring in own detective series, 1;

  describing tragedy, 1;

  more palatable than Big Brother inmate, 342

  Six Feet Under (C4), 1, 2, 3

  Sky, Rick, 1

  Slap Bang With Ant And Dec (ITV1), 1

  Sleep, Wayne, 1, 2

  Smallville (C4), 1

  Smillie, Carol, 1

  Smith, Gordon, 1

  Smither, Neal, 1

  Snowdon, Lisa, 1, 2

  So You Think You Want Bigger Boobs? (C4), 1

  Soapstars (ITV1), 1, 2

  Something For The Weekend (C4), 1

  The Sopranos (C4), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Space (BBC1), 1, 2

  Spake, Jeremy: pointlessly compared to Christopher Timothy, 1;

  irritates Russians, 2

  Spooks (BBC1), 1, 2, 3, 4

  Stace, Melanie, 1

  Stars In Their Eyes (ITV1), 1, 2

  Starstruck: Holding On (C4), 1

  State of Play, 1, 2

  Steps into Summer (BBC1), 1, 2

  Stewart, Alistair, 1

  The Story of Doctor Who (BBC1), 1

  Strike: When Britain Went To War (C4), 1

  Strong, Mark, 1

  Suchet, John, 1

  Surviving The Iron Age (BBC1), 1, 2

  Susan Blake (Mersey Beat), 1

  Sutherland, Kiefer: early resemblance to backside, 1;

  attempts to get sacked, 2;

  transformed into action hero, 1 ;

  film career of, 1;

  likeness to Antony Worral Thompson, 1;

  vaults shark, urinates on viewer, 1

  Syal, Meera, 1

  Sykes, Melanie, 1

  Taboo (BBC2), 1

  Tarbuck, Jimmy, 1

  Tarbuck, Lisa, 1, 2

  Tarrant, Chris, 1, 2

  Teenage Kicks: Drugs Are Us (C4), 1

  Temptation Island (Sky One), 1, 2

  Terry and Gaby Show (Five), 1

  Text messages: girlfriends dumped via, 1;

  uselessness of, 2 ;

  informing viewers of sexual activity, 1;

  superimposed over footage of hills, 1;

  on Friendly TV, 1, 2;

  role in modernised miner’s strike, 1;

  providing glimpses into cretinous mindset, 1;

  enjoyed by knife-wielding teenagers, 1

  Thatcher, Margaret, 1, 2

  Theakston, Jamie, 1, 2

  The Theory of Everything (C4), 1

  There’s Something About Miriam (Sky One), 1

  They Think It’s All Over (BBC1), 1

  This Is Dom Joly (BBC3), 1

  This is My Moment (ITV), 1

  This Morning (ITV1), 1

  Thornfield, Matt, 1

  Thornton, Kate: scared of cybermen, 1;

  likened to kitten’s fart, 2

  Threlfall, David, 1

  Thumb Candy (C4), 1

  Timothy, Christopher, 1

  Tipping The Velvet (BBC2), 1, 2, 3

  Titchmarsh, Alan: upsets hypothetical children, 1;

  dances moronically, 2;

  has head grafted onto cat’s body, 1;

  simultaneously praised and mocked, 1;

  inspires thousands, 1

  Today With Des And Mel (ITV1), 1

  Toilets (BBC Choice), 1

  Tonight Show, 1

  Tonight With Trevor McDonald (ITV1), 1

  Tonkinson, Paul, 1

  Too Posh to Wash (C4), 1

  Top Gear (BBC2), 1, 2

  Top Ten (C4), 1

  TOTP 2 (BBC2), 1

  A Touch Of Frost (ITV1), 1, 2, 3

  Touch The Truck (Five), 1, 2, 3

  The Toughest Pubs In Britain (Sky One), 1

  Trisha (ITV1): labelled depressing, 1;

  entertains inarticulate bellowing cows, 2;

  idle fantasy, 1

  Tufnell, Phil, 1

  Turn On Terry (ITV1), 1

  Turner, Lowri, 1, 2

  The Tweenies (BBC2), 1

  Tynan, Kenneth, 1

  Uhlenbroek, Charlotte Dr, 1, 2

  Ultimate Force (ITV1), 1

  V Graham Norton (C4), 1

  Vain Men (C4), 1

  Van Day, David, 1, 2

  Van Outen, Denise, 1, 2

  Vaughan, Johnny,1, 2

  Venables, Terry, 1

  Vine, David, 1

  Vonnegut, Kurt, 1, 2

  Vorderman, Carol, 1

  Walking With Beasts (BBC1), 1

  Walking With Sea Monsters (BBC1), 1

  Walsh, Bradley, 1

  Walsh, Louis, 1, 2

  Waterman, Dennis, 1

  Waterman, Hannah, 1

  Waterman, Pete, 1, 2, 3, 4

  The Way We Travelled (BBC2), 1

  The Weakest Link (BBC1), 1, 2

  Weird Nature (BBC1), 1

  West Wing (C4), 1, 2

  Westbrook, Danniella, 1, 2, 3

  What Not To Wear (BBC2), 1

  Whately, Kevin, 1

  When Louis Met Anne Widdecombe (BBC2), 1

  Whicker, Alan, 1

  Whitehouse, Paul, 1

  Whiteley, Richard, 1

  Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? (ITV1), 1, 2, 3

  Wife Swap (C4), 1

  Wilkes, Jonathan: replaces Lisa Riley, leans chin-first on pool cue, 1;

  inspires new swearword, 2

  Willcox, Toyah, 1

  Williams, Robbie: dreadful vocal stylings of, 1;

  appropriates Sinatra’s legacy, 2;

  imitates Elvis, 1;

  vaguely resembles man from Rockface, 1;

  unavailable recording of, 1;

  is much admired by cretins, 1;

  interminable self-pitying burblings of, 1

  Willis, Bruce, 1

  Winkleman, Claudia, 1

  Winston, Dr Robert, 1, 2

  Winton, Dale, 1, 2

  With Friends Like These (BBC2), 1

  Without Prejudice (C4), 1

  Witness: Living On Light (C4), 1

  Wogan, Terry, 1, 2

  Woodall, Trinny, 1

  Woodford, Kevin, 1

  World Bloody Cup (BBC1/ITV), 1

  Worral Thompson, Anthony: mimes ‘Ooh La La’ by The Wiseguys, 1;

  absence of supermarket deal, 2;

  has fragrant testicles, 1;

  rises in estimation, 1

  Would Like To Meet (BBC2), 1

  Wright, Ian, 1, 2

  Wudja? Cudja? (ITV1), 1

  The X Factor (ITV), 1

  The X-Files (BBC2/ Sky One), 1, 2

  You Are What You Eat (C4), 1

  You’ve Been Framed (ITV1), 1,
2, 3

  Young Americans (Five), 1

  Young, Posh And Loaded (ITV1), 1

  Zero To Hero (C4), 1

  by the same author

  TV Go Home

  Unnovations

  Author biography

  Charlie Brooker is a writer and broadcaster. He created the satirical website TV Go Home in 1999, which in turn spawned Channel 4’s Nathan Barley (co-written with Chris Morris). Prior to joining the Guardian in the year 2000, Brooker worked as a cartoonist and videogames ‘journalist’. He currently writes and presents Charlie Brooker’s Screen Wipe on BBC Four.

  Copyright

  First published in 2005

  by Faber and Faber Limited

  Bloomsbury House

  74-77 Great Russell Street

  London WC1B 3DA

  on behalf of Guardian Books

  Guardian Books is an imprint of Guardian Newspapers Ltd

  This ebook edition first published in 2009

  All rights reserved

  © Charlie Brooker, 2005

  Foreword © Graham Linehan, 2005

  Illustrations © Chi Chow, 2005

  The right of Charlie Brooker to be identified as author of this work has been

  asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly

  ISBN 978—0—571—25014—1