The day was gray and overcast, with just a hint of sun glow behind one particularly large cloud. Every once in a while flurries swirled before them. Sara adjusted with one hand the goggles Nathan had lent her, then accelerated a little to keep up with him. She had no idea where they were, and knew she could probably never find her way back, even with a compass. It didn’t matter. In spite of her many reservations about getting involved with Nathan, she trusted him. She trusted him to keep her safe and lead her back home.
Home. A Freudian slip. Nathan’s house wasn’t her home. Rapid Creek wasn’t, either.
Yet, did Minneapolis feel like home anymore?
Once she learned the results of the DNA testing, she’d call Joanne. They’d catch up, and Sara would feel back in tune with her life in Minneapolis. At least that’s what she told herself.
She and Nathan weren’t able to talk, of course, the whole time they rode. But she supposed that was the way he wanted it. Other than his explanations about the snowmobile, he’d avoided any personal discussion, so she was a bit surprised when he slowed his machine and beckoned to her. He was pointing toward a stand of firs and, when she neared them, she slowed and stopped her engine, as he did.
Removing his goggles and helmet, he motioned for her to join him. The snow was about eight inches deep here. Her boots sank in and she laughed as she almost fell with each step.
Nathan approached her and clasped her hand. “We’ll have to get you snowshoes.”
“You think those would keep me on top?”
“They might. I do have an extra pair of cross-country skis.”
“I’m a city girl. I probably couldn’t keep them straight in front of me.”
“You could if you tried. You were right. You are a fast learner. You’re handling that snowmobile like a pro.”
As they walked side by side, a companionable silence fell over them, until Nathan said, “We don’t have far to go.”
Suddenly they were at the edge of the trees. Before them lay white fields, birch, firs and a lake, frozen over and glittering in the afternoon light.
“How beautiful.”
“This is one of my favorite places, spring, summer, fall or winter. When I’m not using the snowmobile, I have an ATV or I hike out.”
Sara felt as if she were gazing into peace and tranquility and a life she didn’t know. “Do you bring guests here from the lodge?” She knew Nathan often took parties hiking and fishing.
“No. I never bring anybody here.”
They were standing close together, their jackets brushing. “Why did you bring me?”
“I’m not exactly sure, but somehow I knew you’d appreciate it.”
Nathan’s knit cap covered his ears and came down to his brows. His cheeks were ruddy and the sparkle in his eyes from the scene before them made him seem younger. His face was more relaxed than it had been the past week, the lines around his mouth and eyes not cutting so deep. His black ski jacket against the white background made him look taller and more imposing than he was when they were sitting around the kitchen table with Kyle. In the kitchen, she tried to keep her gaze from his. Now, she didn’t. Her focus dropped to the curve of his mouth.
“Sara,” he growled.
“What?”
“Stop looking at me like that.”
She knew what he meant, because he knew what she wanted. Turning from him, she would have stepped away, but he grasped her shoulder. He drew her closer, until there was no space between them.
“Every time I kiss you, my world shakes,” he admitted. “I don’t like it.”
“Every time you kiss me,” she replied, “I feel as if I lose a piece of myself to something I don’t understand. It’s scary.”
“We should stop kissing.”
“Yes, we should,” she responded softly.
“Chemistry like this doesn’t come along often in a man’s lifetime.”
“Or in a woman’s.”
“I still wish my wife hadn’t died. I can’t forget her.”
Sara had no response to that. She couldn’t say, It’s time you move along. It’s time you forget your grief. It’s time for you to form a bond with someone new. Because words didn’t matter when feelings were so deep. He’d loved his wife, and Sara admired that about him. So how could she want him to just let go and forget?
“Do you know how beautiful you are? How tempting you are? How much I want to kiss you again?”
If she walked to the snowmobile and drove back to the house, she wouldn’t fall in any deeper. If she ignored the chemistry between them, if she patiently waited for the DNA results to be returned, and then made practical, logical decisions, her life would be under control. But with Nathan’s eyes boring into hers, the chemistry he spoke of, and most of all her need to be wrapped in his arms, urged her toward him at exactly the same time he reached for her.
The cold should have been a deterrent. The snow flurries should have been a warning. The complete silence, except for the whisper of tree boughs, should have been scary, not inviting. But as Sara’s heat mingled with Nathan’s, as he lifted her on tiptoe and she wound her arms around his neck, as the down of her jacket pushed into his, she felt she was right where she belonged. His lips were as cold as hers at first, but then quickly heated. The heat became fire, and she sought it and him. Breathing didn’t matter as they tasted and explored. Once again, each kiss was different. Each carried risk, and told her she was in over her head.
While they kissed, he unzipped his jacket and then hers. His gloves ended up on the snow as he tunneled inside, warmed his hands on her back and then found the hem of her sweater and slid his palms to her skin. She moaned with the exquisite feel of his fingers on her. They were rough, sensual, scorching.
She wasn’t thinking when she pulled off her gloves and let them fall behind him. Unwinding her hands from his neck, she settled them on his waist, then slid them under his sweatshirt. She felt his intake of breath, the tension straining his body. She felt chest hair she’d love to see again, as her fingers played in it.
He broke the kiss, bent his head to nuzzle her neck. She felt as if she might go up in flames. How could that be when cold and snow surrounded them?
Nathan’s hands moved higher and cupped her breasts. When he swirled his thumb around her nipple, she wanted her clothes off, no matter what the temperature. As if he read her mind, he unhooked her bra, then held her breasts in his hands.
“Nathan,” she breathed, entranced by every new sensation, excited by his fingers on her bare breasts…thrilled by the forbidden pleasure roused by what they were doing. When had she turned into a woman who cared more about satisfaction than sanity or safety?
Since she’d met Nathan.
She had to give him pleasure, too. She didn’t want this to be one-sided. Boldly, she unzipped his fly and reached inside. He was aroused, and as soon as her hand was on him, he became even harder.
But then he was pushing away, breathing hard and shaking his head. “No, we can’t do this. Not here. And not back home, either. Sara…”
She saw the anguish in his eyes, his need for physical satisfaction with her, but his inability to blot out his memories of the past and what it meant to him. Sara couldn’t entice him on when she knew he wanted to go back. If he had his choice, Colleen would be alive. She’d be raising their sons with him. And Sara would have simply been a means to an end.
She didn’t want to be a means to anybody’s end. She wanted to be Kyle’s mother. And she wanted Nathan’s heart. However, wanting had never made anybody’s dreams come true. Fate had a big part to play in it.
Soon she’d know her fate and Kyle’s…and maybe Nathan’s, too.
Chapter Eight
A t dinner that evening, Sara and Nathan avoided each other’s gazes. Fortunately, Kyle chattered on about everything he and Val had done that afternoon, so he didn’t notice their silences.
When the phone rang, Nathan was busy helping his son cut his food.
Relieved t
o get up from the table, Sara went to the counter and answered the phone. “Barclay residence.”
“Is that you, Sara?”
“Ted. This is a surprise.”
“Not really. You still work here, don’t you?”
She hesitated for only a moment. “Yes, of course I do. Is there something you needed on one of my cases?”
“Not exactly. Charles wants to know when you’ll be back. He can use you on the team he’s setting up to defend the Grayson Company from the age discrimination suit.”
“He should have access to this number. I left it for everyone.”
She could hear Ted’s sigh. “All right, so maybe I just wanted to talk to you myself and find out when you’re coming back, exactly. What’s your target date?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I see. How are you doing?”
“I’m doing fine. How about you? Is any Christmas spirit running around the firm yet?”
“A decorator came in. There’s a white tree in the foyer and wreathes on each of the doors. We’ll see real Christmas cheer when we get our bonuses. That’s another thing. Do you want Charles to send you yours?”
“I’d appreciate that.”
“Sara, I really do miss you.”
“Ted…”
“I know. I messed up big time with you.”
“Nothing’s changed,” she said softly.
“Maybe I have.”
She lowered her voice and walked toward the door, away from the table. “You still want children, don’t you?”
His silence told her more than words ever could that he hadn’t really changed his mind about that. If Ted wanted her, he wanted her temporarily, for pleasure and companionship. She needed something much more permanent than that. She was beginning to believe she wanted Nathan Barclay in her future. Not just because he was Kyle’s father but because she was falling in love with him.
That thought almost struck her dumb.
“Sara.”
Licking dry lips, she murmured, “I have to go. I’m in the middle of dinner.”
“I’m sorry I interrupted, but I am looking forward to you coming back. This place isn’t the same without you.”
She didn’t believe that for a minute. She knew very well that if she dropped off the face of the earth she could be replaced in twenty-four hours. Maybe not even that long.
When Sara returned to the kitchen table, Kyle had finished with his dinner, but his fingers were sticky.
“Wash your hands,” Nathan told him, “then we’ll see if we can find some dessert.”
“I want a Christmas star.”
“If there are any left. Val said you were eating all of those first.”
With a grin that would melt any parent’s heart, Kyle ran off to the bathroom.
Sara resumed her place at the table, but pushed her plate away. She’d lost her appetite.
“A phone call from home?” Nathan asked, watching her carefully.
“Not exactly. Someone at work.”
“Someone you care about?”
“I thought I did. We dated for a while.” She didn’t want to get into this with Nathan. She was falling in love with him. But whether she was Kyle’s mother or not, Nathan liked being a father. She imagined he’d want more children with any woman he became involved with. He couldn’t have them with her.
Her eyes filmed over with tears. As she closed them, she pushed away from the table. Turning to the cupboard, she took out a filter. “Would you like coffee?” she somehow managed to ask.
“Sure. Coffee and cookies should be a great way to end the day. Better make it decaf, though, if we want to get any sleep tonight.”
She doubted if she was going to sleep. Too many thoughts were roaming around in her head. Too many questions with no answers. Too many problems with no solutions.
“I’m thinking about going north tomorrow to see Sam. It’s about a four-hour drive. Would you like to come along?”
She swung around, surprised. “You want me to go with you?”
“I could use the company. Besides that, I’d like you to help me convince him to come home for Christmas. You’re good with people. Maybe you’d be good with him. When he gets an idea in his head, nothing can budge him, usually. But if the two of us tackle him, maybe we can convince him. We can stay overnight and come home the next day. The only problem is, the cabin is pretty rustic. Do you like to go camping?”
“I’ve never been camping.”
“Uh-oh. There’s a wood stove insert in the fireplace for heat, running water and electricity. But not much else.”
She shouldn’t even consider going. But she wanted to spend time with Nathan. They’d be away from Kyle and she could see if what she felt was all tied up with his little boy, or with Nathan himself.
“If I take him provisions, we’ll be sure to have food, too. Even if he doesn’t come back with us, I’ll make certain he’s okay. Are you game?”
Without any hesitation now, she agreed. “I’m game.”
She’d taken a risk coming to Rapid Creek in the first place. Going north with Nathan would put her heart in further jeopardy. But she had to find out what was real and what wasn’t. She had to find out if the love she felt for Nathan could grow—and could be returned.
In spite of herself, she couldn’t stop hoping.
“You’ve got everything here but the kitchen sink,” Val decided, as she and Sara sorted and packed the groceries that Nathan had bought, stowing perishables in the cooler.
“I think Nathan wants to make sure Sam has enough provisions if he doesn’t come back for Christmas.”
“That woman hurt him badly. I hope she never comes back to Rapid Creek.”
“She left after they broke up?”
“She sure did. But that didn’t help Sam much.”
Kyle proudly handed Sara cans of dog food. “Don’t forget Patches’s food. He eats a lot.”
Sara laughed. “Your dad already has a bag of kibbles for him in the SUV.”
When the buzzer sounded on the stove, Val picked up her oven mitts and took out a cherry pie.
“Is that for Kyle or Galen?” Sara asked. Galen was going to stay overnight with his grandson.
“Both of them. They wanted hamburgers and French fries for supper, so that’s what they’re getting.”
“Are you going to eat with them?”
“Land sakes, no. I’ll just make supper and leave.”
“Why don’t you stay and keep them company? I’m sure Kyle would like that. Probably Galen, too.”
Suddenly Val looked flustered. “Oh, I can’t do that. Galen would think I’m pushing myself on him.”
“Because you join them for supper? That’s not pushing. Did you ever think that Galen might be lonely and would enjoy your company?”
“Well, no, I never did. I figured if he wanted my company he’d ask for it.”
“Maybe he’s afraid you don’t want to spend time with him.”
The door opened and Nathan came in. His gaze met Sara’s, and she wondered again if she’d made the right decision, going with him. Sometimes when he looked at her, her heart almost stopped.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
“Almost. Did you get the bedrolls?” She didn’t know what sleeping conditions were going to be like at the cabin, but Nathan had told her they’d be prepared.
“Bedrolls are already packed in the back.”
Sara went to the peg by the door and plucked off her coat. Kyle watched her as she slid into it, zipped it, took her hat from the pocket and pulled it onto her head.
He ran over to her and hugged her hard. “I’m gonna miss you.”
The lump in Sara’s throat was hard to talk around. “I’m going to miss you, too. But we won’t be gone that long.”
“You’re coming back tomorrow. Right?”
Nathan crossed to his son and laid his hand on his shoulder. “It might be tomorrow evening. It takes a long time to drive back here from the cabin,
and we don’t know what kind of weather we’ll run into. But we will be back tomorrow.”
When Nathan stooped down, Kyle gave him a huge hug, too. “Gramps and I are going to have fun tonight. He said he’ll teach me how to whistle.”
“That might take awhile to learn,” Nathan said seriously.
As he stood, Val laid one hand on top of Kyle’s head. “Don’t you worry. We’ll make the time pass.”
“His new inhaler is on the sink in the bathroom,” Nathan reminded her.
“I know. His old one’s right here.” She pointed to the counter near the canisters. “And I’ve got the doctor’s number and can always call 911. But we aren’t going to need to do that. We’ll be fine, Nathan, really. You know your dad will be as protective of Kyle as he was of you and your brothers.”
“I know.”
Sara imagined how hard it was for Nathan to leave his son in someone else’s care. He must really be concerned about his brother to go north now, so near to Christmas.
As if reading her thoughts, he told Kyle, “As soon as we get back I’ll bring up the tree from the basement.” After another hug and a wave, Nathan picked up the cooler and let Sara precede him outside.
On the drive north, Nathan kept seeing the picture in his head of Kyle hugging Sara, hearing Kyle say, “I’ll miss you.” His son was getting attached to her. Whether it was good or bad, it was a fact. She handled Kyle so deftly, so easily, as if she’d been with children all her life. She’d make a wonderful mother.
Sara broke into his reverie about an hour into the trip. “I think Val likes your dad…a lot.”
Nathan shot her a glance. “What makes you think that?”
She gave him one of those men-are-so-blind looks. “A few comments she’s made. I think she’s had feelings for him since before he married your mother.”
Nathan thought about it. Although he didn’t want to get into a discussion about his mom, his father was a different story. “They did go to school together.”
The Daddy Dilemma Page 11