by Jim Sano
David felt the weight of those words on his entire being as he realized that his father was feeling his death more imminent than David wanted to admit. “Sure, Pop. I’m sure they’d love to come over tomorrow. Let me give Kathleen a call in a bit.” Meanwhile, the Yankees scored two runs in the seventh and eighth innings to tie the game, but the Sox returned the favor from last night and scored in the ninth to win by one. As David was about to cheer in celebration, he noticed that his father had fallen asleep. The tears David had been holding back now streamed from his eyes as he gazed at his father’s face.
After talking to Kathleen about Sunday dinner, he called a realtor to see if there was a house available on the island he could rent for an extended period despite the late notice at high season. David explained his father’s situation to the realtor, Ray Shepherd. Ray had been on the island his whole life and knew the Kelly family growing up. His aunt had passed away the previous year, and she had a cottage that wasn’t being used that Ray thought might be a good solution. After hearing about the location, David thanked him and told him he’d wire money to hold it, but Ray said not to worry about it, he could pay when he arrived in Stonington. Ray said he’d have the place clean and stocked with key essentials for them.
Gianni made the effort to sit at the dinner table when Kathleen, Amy, and James came to visit on Sunday. Kathleen had brought dinner, and Gianni complimented her ability to get the lasagna just right. “You know, some of the best Italian cooks are Irish girls.” During the visit, Kathleen watched David’s loving and notably attentive manner with his father. David had told her that Gianni wanted to be in Maine, and he sensed that his time was short. She didn’t want to believe it but couldn’t help noticing the periodic changes of expression on Gianni’s face as he closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath, visibly enduring a strong sensation of pain run through his spine.
David could tell that Kathleen was trying in vain to hide the tears that came to her eyes as she noticed this reaction repeat itself a few times that afternoon. He also noticed Gianni catch her loving concern when he opened his eyes again and smiled gently back at her. Before leaving, Gianni gave her, and then Amy and finally James, a long and emotional hug. At the door, David thanked Kathleen for coming and taking care of dinner on short notice, but she only shook her head saying, “Please take care of him and yourself.” David nodded as he said goodbye, thinking about everything he needed to do.
Chapter 57
When David told Tom his plans, Tom suggested having someone from hospice help him while in Maine. There was a Catholic hospice agency on the mainland, and David scheduled a phone interview during the week to talk to someone who might be available. A woman called Maggie returned his call. She told him what types of things she’d help take care of, including administering palliative medication and taking care of Gianni both physically and spiritually. David was glad to hear there was someone who knew what they were doing available at this remote location.
On Tuesday morning, July 29, David had everything packed and ready for the long drive to Stonington, almost a year since he was there last. On the way, Gianni fell asleep while David’s thoughts jumped from one thing to another. He thought about his last ride to the island with Jillian, and with it, his mixed feelings about how much he enjoyed her company while he had been so unknowingly unfair and harmful to her. He felt ashamed and a deep sense of regret, not that he knew Jillian, but that he hadn’t treated her with dignity and respect. David thought about what Tom had said to Luke and him that night in the North End. “Our hearts weren’t meant for these ‘mini-marriages.” He knew for sure that Jillian’s was not.
Before David knew it, he was driving the Jeep over the bridge spanning the glistening waters of Eggemoggin Reach. It was a cloudless summer day as the Jeep hugged the curvy roads winding through the small village of Deer Isle before taking a turn at the tiny post office towards the snug cove of Southwest Harbor.
The dirt road sloped gently downhill with a scattering of homes on either side. David pulled into the gravel driveway of a small, gray-painted cottage that fit the description Ray Shepherd had provided over the phone. The cottage sat on the hill overlooking the protected cove where the sun would paint the sky with strokes of purple, pink, orange, and red at sunset. From the Jeep, David could see the path from the cottage down to the small rustic boathouse and rugged beach. Ray had left the door open and the keys on the dining table as promised. David looked around the simple one-floor cottage, with a living room and kitchen facing the water and two bedrooms in the back. There was an old, black rotary phone on the table next to the doorway and a bumped-out area with the dining table had a view of the quaint cove, a handful of moored boats, and a few small islands.
David was relieved that the home was clean, bright, and had an instantly peaceful feel. The large bedroom had windows on both sides, a few watercolor paintings of the island on the walls, and the bed he had ordered for his dad already in place. When David went to help his father into the house, he found Gianni smiling as he peered out from his passenger side window at the sun dancing on the ocean cove and smelled the salt air he had missed for so long. David knew that Gianni never had vacations growing up, and the summer getaways he had enjoyed with Annie and his family on this peaceful island with its magnificent shoreline, fragrant pines, and many walking paths to the unspoiled spots of nature, were something that Gianni enjoyed and appreciated, especially because he knew how very much Annie loved this spot.
David helped Gianni across the uneven grassed front yard and up the five steps to the front porch, where there were wicker chairs to sit and enjoy the summer days and evenings. Gianni paused to look out again over the beauty of the cove and at Sheep’s Head Island that protected that inlet, and then they entered the cottage, which was brightened by the golden sunlight streaming through the windows. As Gianni sat in a chair next to the living room window, David opened a window to let in a gentle ocean breeze. “David, this spot is just right. Thank you and thank you for being here with me. It means more to me than you may ever know.”
A half-smile came to David’s face. “Pop, whatever you need, just let me know. I have no better place on earth to be.”
“I would like two things if you don’t mind?”
“Sure. What, Pop?”
Gianni moved his body around to be more comfortable. “I would like to visit your mom’s grave tomorrow while I still can, and I’d like to have some fresh lobster or crabmeat while I still have the taste for it.”
David’s smile grew broader with the last request. “We’ll go tomorrow, and I could go for some local shellfish myself.”
Gianni smiled and looked peacefully out at the shoreline and the strikingly blue-colored sky that was dotted with soft, puffy white clouds. David guessed he had often dreamed about such a scene while confined in the hard, cold, windowless cell for all those years.
The next morning, there was a tapping on the front door, and David noticed someone standing outside through the laced curtained window of the door. When he opened the door, a short but sturdy woman in her fifties with medium-length brown and gray hair, wearing a blue top and white pants said, “Mr. Kelly, I’m Maggie Haskell. It’s a pleasure to meet you on such a day.” The tanned skin on Maggie’s face was almost coarse with lines of years of hard work, but her eyes and smile were full of joy and friendliness.
“Come on in, Maggie, and thank you for being available on such short notice.”
“There’s no other kind of notice for us, and I feel honored to be here with you and your dad. I’d love to meet him today, if possible. Have you talked to your dad about having hospice and what we do?”
“I haven’t had a chance to talk with him yet. I have no experience with what you do firsthand, but I assume you try to make him as comfortable as possible through this?”
Maggie said, “That is definitely a big part of it. I’m a registered nurse and will make sure that all his medical and pain management needs are met. I believe you
specifically contacted us as a Catholic hospice provider, so I’m assuming that you care about making sure we’re following ethical procedures, but hopefully also about the spiritual part of the process?”
David nodded. “Pop has a strong faith, which is one reason he doesn’t want to spend his remaining time in a spiritually-sterile hospital.”
Maggie squinted as she smiled. “And neither do you.”
At that moment they could hear a shuffle of Gianni’s feet moving across the linoleum floor as he came out of the bedroom.
Maggie crossed the room to him. “Mr. Fidele, I’m Maggie Haskell. I’m a nurse and I’m going to be around to help out with anything you and Mr. Kelly may need.” Maggie shook Gianni’s hand and got a smile when she said, “I always love it when they send me to homes with handsome men.” As Gianni sat down slowly, Maggie said, “Mr. Fidele, how have you been feeling this week? Only honest answers accepted.”
Gianni said, “Despite the prognosis, I’m doing pretty well up here,” pointing to his head, “but the pain is pretty constant and can be intense at times. The medication is taking the bite off, so I feel like I can be good company right now.”
Maggie put her hand on Gianni’s back and moved it downward. “Well, we’ll be the judge of that. You haven’t even told me one good joke yet.” Gianni smiled at Maggie’s comment and David could tell that her hand on his back felt good. Maggie took out her stethoscope and blood pressure wrap. Maggie asked Gianni to breathe in and out as she listened through the stethoscope at various locations on his back and chest. Maggie asked, “Mr. Fidele, is it painful when you breathe in deeply like that?”
Gianni nodded. “A little bit,” Maggie asked Gianni to lie on the couch to see if some light massage was helpful, and then asked David to do an errand so that she could talk to Gianni. By the time David was back, Gianni was sitting in the chair near the window, and Maggie was saying goodbye, telling Gianni that she might consider coming back if he could promise a joke for next time. Gianni smiled and nodded as she stepped out on the porch and then down to the front lawn with David.
David stood almost a foot taller than Maggie, but she made up for the height with personality and straightforwardness. “David, do you have any expectations about this process or how long your father may have?”
“It’s all I think about, but I don’t think I could answer either of those questions.”
“Your dad is a very strong man, and I mean physically, mentally and spiritually. I also think he’s at peace with what’s ahead of him, which is quite a gift, not just for him, but for you too. That being said, it’s really hard to say how things will progress. Cancer tends to spread aggressively in this situation, but hopefully, he’ll have the time he needs, and that you’ll have the time with him you need. It will never be the time you want or feel you need, but hopefully, it allows you to let him go with some sense of peace. This process can be trying and difficult, but it can also be powerfully moving if you believe God is bringing him home.”
“I can see that my father is already comfortable with you, and I like that you are straightforward in your approach. I don’t know how I’ll be, but I’d like you to show me how to take care of him and the things that need to be done.”
Maggie put her hand on David’s arm. “We will be the best team your father’s ever seen. I don’t think you’ll need me tomorrow, so I’ll plan on coming by Friday morning. Here’s my number whenever you need me. I’m just a few towns over the bridge, so I can be here in about thirty minutes.”
David said, “Thank you and thanks for coming today.”
Maggie said, “This is often a profound two-way gift, and we are never doing this alone.” Maggie got into her well-worn Subaru and shouted out from the window as she pulled away. “Enjoy your lobsters tonight!”
When David returned to the house, Gianni looked up at him. “Looks like we won’t have to bring this one out of her shell.”
“Did you like her? I thought she seemed really good.”
In his best Maine accent, Gianni said, “Ayuh. Son, would you mind taking me into Stonington while I feel up to it?”
“I think that’s a great idea.”
As they drove the winding road from Sunset to the small downtown area of Stonington, past the pier, the old Opera House, and finally the Inn on the Harbor where David had stayed with Jillian, David had a rush of feelings and thoughts run through his head from his childhood, to being with Jillian, to all the events of the past year.
Gianni scanned left and right as they made their way through town. “I really missed this place all those years. Would you be able to drive by Green Head where we used to stay? It’s back that way.”
“I know, Pop. I actually took a run by the house when I was here for Mom’s burial. The house hasn’t changed very much, even with the new owners.”
Gianni gazed quietly as they slowed down to a crawl, passing by the house where so many family memories were made.
David turned the car around and parked so they could look at the view of the harbor, the same view they had enjoyed from the porch of their vacation home. They sat for a while listening to the sounds of the quiet harbor as a lobster boat pulled in, and a seagull called from her perch on the heavy posts anchoring the pier. Gianni breathed in the smell of salt air and fish, drinking in the sights and sounds. “Do you remember sitting here for hours with your line in the water waiting to catch a fish?”
David laughed. “Now that you bring it up, I think I do. I was thinking about the time you took me out on the lobster boat with Bert and Ernie. I remember feeling happy when it was just the two of us doing something together.”
“I truly wish it hadn’t been interrupted for so long.”
“Me too, Pop. Me too. We should probably go down to the Co-op and pick out some fresh lobsters for tonight.”
David drove back through the main street in the village and up a steep hill where the small white church of St. Mary’s sat looking over creation. Before David made the crest of the hill, Gianni said, “Son, do you mind if we stop?” David pulled the Jeep into a spot next to the steepled church, and they walked through the open door. David held Gianni’s arm as he worked to genuflect towards the small tabernacle holding the Body of Christ and then helped him to stand back up. The feel of the church was exactly the same to David as when he inexplicably dropped by the previous summer. The church was brightened only by the hazy sunlight streaming through the stained-glass windows, and David imagined that the posted numbers for the songs for the past week’s Mass were probably the only things that were different.
Gianni said, “Let’s sit for a few minutes and pray for your mother and Jimmy.”
As they sat, David’s mind was too busy to pray; he couldn’t stop thinking about what it meant to be with his dad.
After a while, Gianni reached over and touched David’s arm to let him know he was ready. Gianni bowed toward the tabernacle and looked around the church that had been a part of his life.
He deeply breathed in the smell of the church and turned towards the entrance door in the back, looking now at the wooden, carved statue of Mary occupying her usual spot. Gianni walked over to the statue with David standing beside him to support him.
David said, “I actually remember the last time we were here together, just you and I standing right here.”
Gianni nodded, and David knew his father remembered that moment. “I guess if I held your hand, and you were half your height, we would have it right. What did we talk about?”
“You told me—” and then a small lump grew in David’s throat as he hesitated, and his voice quavered, “You told me that if I ever felt lost or needed to be strong, to think of Mary. You said she trusted God completely, and that He gave her the guidance and strength she needed.”
Gianni took David’s hand with a firm grip and smiled as he nodded.
Less than a half mile down the hill was the Stonington Lobster Co-op, a red shingle building that sold fresh fish and lobsters at
a better price than the retail stores. They walked out onto the dock where wooden crates were tied together, floating in the harbor waters. Two lobstermen were standing on the dock with rubber boots; worn jeans; loose, stained tee-shirts; and baseball hats with “Stonington Co-op” printed in red across the front. The shorter one said, “What can we do for ya, gentlemen?”
David glanced at Gianni and then back at the man. “Hard-shell. Let’s do three two-pounders.”
The man said, “All rightie. Let’s see what we got here,” as he pulled up one of the crates filled with lobsters with blue-green colored shells. He lifted up one with a huge right claw and put it on a plastic tray, saying. “That’s a nice one but may be bigger than you want.”
David said, “Bigger is no problem. She looks like a beauty.” The man proceeded to pull out two more decent-sized lobsters and brought them up to the Co-op building to weigh them for David. Gianni sat on a short post while David paid and carried them out in a Styrofoam container filled with ice to keep them fresh.
On the way back, David pulled the car alongside the Evergreen Cemetery. When he had left the gravesite that day with Jillian and Emma Brown, David had thought he would never return, and here he was with the father who he thought, at that time, was dead and deserved to be so. David accompanied his dad across the uneven path to his mother’s gravesite. There was a plot space for Gianni next to Annie because he had promised that she’d rest with her sister when the time came. Gianni read the gravestone: “Beloved sister, Marie A. Kelly, Apr 1, 1934–Aug 13, 1946.” Below was carved “Ann E. Kelly, Apr 1, 1934 -.” David was surprised that the date of death hadn’t been taken care of in all this time, but he was almost glad it wasn’t there.
David glanced over and saw his father quietly crying. It hadn’t hit him until now how much his father still very much loved his bride, despite all the years of rejection while he was in prison. He didn’t have to forgive her because he never blamed her or resented her for losing faith in him. He just kept doing what he vowed to do when he made his commitment to love her in good times and in bad, all the days of his life. Gianni gently nodded as he wiped his wet cheeks. “Your mother was such a beautiful, loving, and fun woman. I never met anyone like her until you introduced me to Kathleen. I see that depth and a spark in her. I know your mother was devastated about Jimmy, and she may not have been the same afterward, but try to remember her when she could be herself, as I’m sure she is right now with God in heaven.”