by Doreen Alsen
“I love you too.” She gave him a peck on the cheek. “It’s cool. I’m just surprised. I wish you’d told me sooner.” Her lips drew across her face in a straight, tight line. “I never would have asked you to date Cecily if I’d known. That’s another thing I screwed up. I’m so sorry!”
Relieved to have his twin know about him and be okay with it, he needed her to feel relieved too. He wasn’t going to let her blame herself for Cecily. “You didn’t screw up. I could have told you.”
“Yeah, you could have.” She frowned. “Do you think I’m gay too, because we’re twins?”
He would have smiled if his mouth didn’t hurt so much. She could be such a ditz. “I think you’d know by now.”
“Maybe that’s why I don’t like it when Alden touches me.”
“You don’t like it when Alden touches you because he hurts you. You’re not gay.”
She furrowed her brow as she thought about it. “Well, I sure don’t want any boy to touch me again. Ever.” Biting her lip, she asked, “Does Momma know?”
“No. I wanted to tell her, but then our sperm donor went to jail.” He grimaced. “No time has felt right. I didn’t want to stress her out even more. She’s so busy, working herself to the bone for us.”
“You need to tell her. I’ll go with you.” Shanna nodded. “I know I didn’t want to tell her about Alden, but I’m glad I did. She made me feel a lot better.” She grabbed another tissue and wiped her nose. “I thought she’d be mad at me, but she wasn’t. I think she’ll be okay with us being gay.”
“This is different.” Ruark shook his head. “And you’re not gay.”
“No, it’s not different at all. She loves you. If you don’t tell her, I will.”
“You’re really bossy, you know that?”
“It comes in handy sometimes.” Rubbing her hands on her lap, she stood up. “Maybe we can tell her now.”
“No. After Patsy goes to bed.” He so didn’t want to explain what being gay meant to a six-year-old. Never mind having her see Momma have a bad reaction to his revelation. He didn’t know what he would do if his mother couldn’t accept who he was.
“It’s no good keeping secrets from Momma. Look what happened when I did.” Shanna rubbed her arms up and down.
“If you keep beating yourself up, I won’t tell Momma.”
She flashed him a weak smile.
“It’s all gonna be okay,” he tried to reassure her.
He hoped with all his might that he was telling her the truth.
****
Ainslie re-wrapped the lasagna Dave brought for the kids and put it in the fridge. There was still a lot of it. They’d be eating it for at least a week.
Now that she was losing cleaning jobs, money was going to be too tight. All five of her clients had called to tell her that her services were no longer needed. Thank goodness she still had The End Zone.
Dave left earlier to take care of some calls. She missed him. He said he’d be back.
She counted on it.
She’d made Patsy a grilled cheese and read with her. Now Patsy was tucked away in bed. Neither of the twins had made an appearance, so next on Ainslie’s to-do list was to check on them. She knew they were both holed up in Ruark’s room.
She loved them so much. Her heart almost couldn’t hold all the love she felt for them.
She damned Bobby Lee to hell and back for deserting their family.
Ainslie would blame this whole situation on him if she could, but the fact was only she held the blame. Remorse slogged over her in thick, sludgy waves. She closed her eyes as they filled with tears. Why hadn’t she noticed something was wrong with Shanna?
She wiped her eyes, staunching those tears. She had no time to wallow in guilt. Her children needed her.
She had only taken one step when the twins walked into the kitchen.
Oh, dear Lord, the bruises. Ruark looked like he’d gone ten rounds with a ’roided up heavy weight boxer. Shanna had her bruises covered up, but Ainslie knew they were there all the same. Both children marked by the same monster. She tamped down the sudden burst of rage that rushed through her. The twins didn’t need any more ugly emotions today.
The two of them held hands like they’d done when they were little. They always touched each other every chance they could. Her heart hitched a beat as she smiled at them. “Hey, babies.”
Shanna gave her a ghost of a smile. “Hey, Momma.”
“Are you two hungry?” Ainslie asked.
“I’m not hungry, Momma.” Shanna actually turned a shade of pale green.
“Do you have a minute to talk?”
Ruark’s voice stayed level as he interrupted them, but she could tell he was nervous. She also didn’t miss Shanna squeezing his hand.
“I’ve got all the time in world for you.” She smiled at them. “What’s up?” She motioned for them to sit. “Are you sure you aren’t hungry? Mr. Mason brought us a year’s worth of take out from Hope Monahan’s.”
“Mr. Mason did?” Ruark sounded surprised. “I thought he was here to punish me for punching Alden.”
“No. He just brought food. Are you sure you aren’t hungry? There’s lasagna. It’s killer.” She really hoped they were hungry.
“Okay.” Shanna pulled Ruark into the room and pushed him into a chair. “I’m not hungry, but Ruark might be.”
“I’m not.”
Ainslie ignored them and pulled the lasagna out of the fridge, slapped a couple of wedges on two plates and put them into the microwave. Inhaling deeply to calm her nerves, she smiled and turned to look at her children. “Okay.” She sat down next to Shanna. “What’s up?”
Shanna looked at her brother. “Ruark has something to tell you.”
“Shanna.” Ruark shook his head. “I can do this myself.”
“Go on already.” She pushed his shoulder. “I’m all set to tell if you don’t.”
Ainslie felt her heart clench with every word of their banter. “What’s going on?”
A moment of silence.
Shanna pushed Ruark again and made a snort when he didn’t react. “Ruark has something to tell you,” she repeated.
What more secrets could they possibly throw at her? Pulling on her best beauty pageant face, she folded her hands on top of the table. Summoning all the restraint she could, she said, “Don’t keep me on tenterhooks. I won’t judge, I promise. Please just tell me what’s going on.”
The twins looked at each other. Ruark was clearly pained, Shanna seemed large and in charge. The two of them were playing some strange game of chicken.
Shanna said, “Okay.” She looked Ainslie straight in her eyes. “Ruark and I are gay.”
Ruark rolled his eyes. “I’m gay. Shanna only thinks she is because she doesn’t like it when Alden touches her.”
“I could be gay,” Shanna complained. “You’re gay, and we’re twins.”
Gay. Whatever Ainslie had expected them to say, being gay was not even on the list. Not even near the list.
Her stomach lurched as she absorbed what they were telling her. Was this the reason for the bullying? Kids were killing themselves because of being bullied for being gay.
Lord help her. Was Ruark thinking about hurting himself like those other boys? The blood rushed out of her so quickly that she felt lightheaded and heard a loud buzzing in her ears. The horror of it chilled her to the bone.
“Shanna, just…Stop, okay? You’re not gay, no matter how much you want to be.” Ruark raised his head to look at Ainslie. “But I am, Momma.” He stuck out his chin, daring her to disapprove.
“But you still love him, right, Momma?” Shanna put a protective arm around Ruark.
“Of course I do!” She jumped out of her chair and put her arms around both of them. “There’s nothing you can do, or say, or be…” She kissed the top of first Ruark’s head and then Shanna’s. “That could make me stop loving you.”
“I told you.” Shanna kissed her brother on the cheek, then stood. �
��I’m tired. G’night, Momma.”
“G’night, doodle bug.” She kissed her beautiful girl on the cheek, then sat in the chair Shanna had vacated. “So, now, tell me about you.” She smoothed out a place where Ruark’s hair stuck out.
He looked at her. “I’m gay.”
Like she hadn’t heard him the first time. “Is that the reason you’ve been bullied?”
“I don’t know. I mean Alden and those guys throw around words like gay and faggot as general insults, but I don’t think they really know. The new kid with the hick accent, I’m just the target du jour.”
She studied his face. This was no time to beat around the bush. There were too many tragic stories about suicide because of bullying out there. “Have you been thinking about hurting yourself?”
He shook his head slowly. “No. I wouldn’t do that.”
Relief ran through her like warm summer rain. Thank God. “How long have you known that you’re gay?”
“A while.” He shrugged. “A few years, anyway.”
A few years? “And you’ve been keeping it a secret all this time?”
Nodding, he looked down. “Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Appalled at herself for not noticing it, she almost didn’t want to hear his answer. “Didn’t you think I’d understand?”
“I don’t know. I guess I figured you would understand, but then you’d tell the great Bobby Lee Logan, and I just didn’t want him to know.” Ruark swallowed. “I knew he’d be ashamed of me.”
“Oh, baby boy.” She gathered him into her arms, being careful not to hurt his ribs. “You must have felt so alone.” She rested her chin ever-so-gently on the top of his head. “I’m so sorry.”
“It wasn’t that way in Charleston. All my friends at school knew. We all knew about each other.”
“And then I uprooted you and took you away from them.” She was the worst mother in the world. “I’m so very, very sorry.”
He disentangled himself from her arms and sat back. “It’s okay.”
“Well, I’m so glad you finally trusted me to tell me.” She smiled. “How did you get Shanna to keep your secret for so long? She usually blabs right away.”
“I told her about an hour ago.”
“She kept quiet a whole hour, huh?” Ainslie sighed. “That must be a record. Does anyone else know?” His eye and nose looked like they were swelling up again. She got up to get him some more ice.
“My teachers at my old school. And Max.”
Max, his private voice coach and his teachers at his school in Charleston had seen this before Ainslie had. She handed Ruark the ice pack she’d put together. “Put this on your eye again, sugar.”
“You’re not mad, are you?” He winced as he put the ice on his face.
“No, sweetie. I’m not mad, not at all.” Just at herself. “I’m happy you came out to me. I wish you’d trusted me sooner. I just wonder how I didn’t see it myself.”
“I’m a pretty good actor.”
“Honey, I spent all those years doing beauty pageants, and trust me, they are chock to the brim with gay men. Remember Uncle Rudy?” Rudy had been her best friend and stylist for years. Bobby Lee had robbed him blind, which really put a wedge between her and Rudy, to say the least.
Ruark smiled a real smile. “I think he’s how I figured it all out.”
“Did you tell him?”
“Yeah, but I begged him not to tell you. Momma?” His smile faded. “I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.”
“Neither you nor Shanna are going tomorrow.” Actually, they were never going back if Dave couldn’t ensure their safety.
She trusted him to do just that, to protect her children from those bullies. That didn’t mean she could just hand the whole mess over to him. The school part, yes. But she’d make sure her children were happy and knew they were loved. They would never feel the need to keep secrets again.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Dave checked out the time on his cell phone. To call or to stop by and tell Ainslie about the arrangements he’d made with Joe L’Amore and Mike in person, that was the question.
Not too late to go and tell her face to face, he decided. Maybe the twins would still be up, and he could brief them on the need to copy bullying private messages and wall posts.
His need to see Ainslie also factored into the decision, so it really didn’t take much convincing to go and talk to her, hold her in his arms. Maybe steal a kiss or two.
Or three.
He pulled out his cell phone to call her and make sure it was all right to come back.
She picked up on the second ring. “Hello?”
As usual when he heard her sexy, southern belle drawl, all the knots in his stomach disappeared, replaced by a warmth that spread from his heart. “Hey, Ainslie. It’s me I’ve got news.”
“Dave, hi. What kind of news?” She sounded tense, her worry palpable, even over the phone line.
“If it’s not too late, I’d like to come over and tell you in person. Is that okay?”
“In person. Is it that bad?”
“No. I’ve spent a lot of time with the superintendent, and we’ve worked out some strategies.” He smiled. “And I’d really like to see you again tonight.”
“Strategies.” She sounded tentative. “Okay.” A sigh gusted across the phone lines. “I’d like to see you too.”
“Great! I’ll be there in a few.”
“Drive carefully.”
“I will.”
****
Ainslie took a quick look at herself, using the shiny side of the toaster as a mirror. Eek! What a trainwreck!
Not wanting Dave to see her looking that dreadful, she bustled to the bathroom to wash her face and take a comb her hair.
Forget a comb. She’d need a rake to fix this mess.
Too late, she thought as she heard her doorbell jangled.
The bell didn’t jangle as much as her nerves did. She really hoped he had good news. Her hands trembled as she reached for the door knob.
One minute she trembled as she let Dave in, the next she was in his arms.
He kissed her. That incredible jolt she felt from his warm, firm lips always surprised her.
“Hey,” he said when they came up for air.
“Hey.” Her words fluttered out, breathy and quiet.
“Why don’t you let me in, so I can tell you what’s going on.”
“Oh, yes, please.” She pulled him in and shut the door. “Do you want anything? Coffee? Tea?”
“No, I’m good,” he said as he settled himself on her couch. He tugged on her hand. “Join me.”
She didn’t resist, dropping onto the couch beside him. “How bad is it?”
“As far as school goes, it’s okay.” Dave loosened his tie. “All the boys have gotten suspended, I can’t fix that. Alden and crew have to come to school and do their work in the detention room. They’re benched for the rest of the football season. They can’t practice with the team, nothing. Ruark can spend the suspension at home. I’m sending a tutor to go over his work with him.”
Panic clomped through her composure on hob-nailed boots. “I don’t have the money to pay a tutor!”
He put a hushing finger up to her mouth. “The school is paying the tutor, so don’t worry about it.”
“What about Shanna? High school is so full of mean girls.”
“That’s true.” He rubbed the heel of his hand. “We’ve got a few things to put into place to address the harassment.”
“I’m not going to send her to a school where she’s not safe.” No way would Ainslie budge on that.
“Let’s keep her home at first. She can use the tutor we’re sending for Ruark. However, we’d like to get a restraining order for bullying at school and the cyber bullying, but we need her help.”
“What do you need?” Ainslie would make it happen.
“We need her to copy and paste all her e-mails, private messages from Facebook, tweets, what
ever. Do you have caller ID?”
“Yes.” She’d gotten it in case Bobby Lee tried to call the children from prison.
“Good. Don’t answer any calls from the other kids and forward any harassing texts to me.”
“She doesn’t have a cell phone. We only have the one, which I usually have.”
“Okay. That makes it a little bit easier.” He took her hands. “You’ve got to trust me.”
“I do. This all just makes me so upset.” She shook her head. “Why didn’t I see what’s going on?”
“You can’t beat yourself up. Working two jobs to put food on the table and pay the rent is exhausting.” He leaned forward and gave her sweet, quick kiss on her cheek.
“There’s so much I missed. Things I should have seen, secrets they were keeping.”
“Kids this age do their best to keep secrets. They’re very good at it. You probably wouldn’t have seen anything, even if you were with them 24/7.”
She sighed. Should she tell him about Ruark?
No. That was Ruark’s story to tell. Changing the subject, she asked, “Are you sure you don’t want any coffee?”
He smiled gently and without thinking, she ran a finger across his mouth. He caught her hand and pressed a kiss into her palm. “No, thank you.”
“Momma? I thought I heard…” Shanna walked into the room. “Oh. Hi, Mr. Mason.” She took a step back.
Shanna looked more than a little afraid.
Dave stood and helped Ainslie up. “I just came by to talk to your mother about tomorrow.”
“Do I have to go?” She didn’t have to add the words “to school.”
“I’ll let your mother tell you all about it.” He looked at his watch. “I should go anyway. I’ve got early meetings. Let me know if you need anything, anything at all.”
“We will,” Ainslie said as she walked him to the door. “Thank you.”
He kissed her, brief enough for propriety, long enough, he hoped, to make her miss him. “Good night.”
“Good night.” She watched him bound off the porch, then closed the door. A sense of serenity filled her, warmth rising from her toes to the top of her head. “Come here, baby. What do you need?”