by JA Huss
I stare at them and begin to pick up the memories.
The soldier without a face takes my arm and pulls me along. I dig in to the rug with my heels, but he pulls and the rug slips along with me.
"Stop, don't. No!"
But he pulls again and I fall down, face-forward. He picks me up and another soldier opens my father's office door as we approach. Inside he drops me on the couch.
My father is on the coms and then he holds it out for me. "It's for you," he says.
I get up, my whole body shaking like I am out in the freezing cold, and reach out and take the coms. My father stares at me, and waits.
"Hello?"
"Junco!"
"Charlie? Charlie, what's going on?"
The crack of plasma echoes in my ears and then I hear a voice. "Project terminated, sir."
I throw the coms down and it smacks against the hardwood floors. The back of my father's hand finds my face and I join the ruined piece of tech on the floor just as the world goes black.
"He killed him." A sob escapes as the pain twists my heart and I break. "He killed him."
Tier hugs me and pulls me to the ground with him, but says nothing. I try my best to keep the tears in, but they don't flow down in little ribbons this time, they pour out in rivers along with the memories.
The bruises on my face are yellow-green as I stare in the mirror of my father's office bathroom. I reach up and touch the shadows around my eyes and wince. The color is fading, but the pain isn't. Someone bangs on the door and so I take the sample and open it. The lab tech whisks it away from me and my father points to the couch. I stare out the window after I take a seat. It's dark outside. The lab tech confirms what I already know and I scream. My father grabs my arm and delivers the ionizer to my nose.
I break away coughing. "What did you just do? You fucking bastard! What did you just do?"
The cramping begins almost immediately and he has someone drag me to my room where I am dumped into the shower to wash away the blood.
My body writhes in pain for hours, expelling the baby from my womb, and I can only think of one thing: how my pain will be nothing compared to what I'll do to him once this is over.
"I'm the one who tortured him."
Tier nods against me. "Now ya see why I didn't kill the torturer, eh?"
I stalk the men with my scope from behind the branches high up in a nearby pine tree as they patrol around my house, their faces burned onto my retinas. They laugh and joke, smoke and swear, and generally revel in the safety of their positions. And I know them. Lived with them on the scrub for weeks on end. Played cards with them, tracked animals, did PT, and ate with them.
And in the end, it meant nothing. I meant nothing. Together they delivered me to my father's punishment and left me to writhe in pain as I endured the aftereffects. I consider dragging out their punishment, like they did for me, but that would draw too much attention. Instead I ready the rifle, check conditions, and send off two silent shots into the night. One into each head. I collapse the rifle, pack it up, climb down, and walk back home.
The next day I'm in my father's office and he's screaming at me. His face is red and his hands tremble as he grabs me by the shirt. I ignore him and look casually out the window at a yellow songbird that is hopping from branch to branch in the courtyard.
I almost laugh at my punishment. Sold to the highest bidder. What a joke. But I don't, I feign an apology, talk him up about honor and family, and then take the smack that he delivers across my mouth, before finally starting to sniffle so he thinks I give a shit.
He has me delivered back to my room.
The last mistake he will ever make is not killing me in his office.
I stay silent, remembering the blood in the shower. "No one came to check on me."
"I don't know this part, Junco. I never knew why ya did it other than Charlie ended up dead."
I want to cry. So bad. But I've already done that. I cried about it for months, and there is nothing left to feel. "I was pregnant, Tier–"
"Aw, fuck."
"And he dosed me with an ionspray–"
"Fuck!"
"And had some soldiers drag me into my shower and leave me there until it was over. No one even came to check on me." The last few words come out in a low whisper and I feel the pain creeping back in like I am still there experiencing it. And then it is replaced by the anger. Another voice is also in my head. A familiar voice.
Project terminated, sir.
I feel Tier's chest launch sporadically a few times and I realize he's trying to hold it together too. I lie down, my head on his legs, and after a long while my breathing slows. His hand goes under my shirt and rubs my back with his fingertips.
"No one even came to check on me," I say again. "I thought I was going to die." I sniff and wipe my hand across my face, trying to get control of my nose. The fingertips trace a pattern on my back, lulling me into a slow state of acceptance and calm. I'm your hero, his fingers spell. I'm your hero, I'm your hero, I'm your hero, I'm your hero.
"I'm going to kill them all." His voice is low and steady, but to me that is even more frightening than when he's visibly pissed.
"I never even got to tell Charlie about the baby."
Tier straightens and pulls me up so he can reach into his pocket. He sorts through the tiny little cubes once more and comes up with two. "These two, Junco, are your virtual. There are two constructs here. One is you and one is Charlie."
I take the little cubes and clench them in my fist. "Thank you."
"If you want, I can give ya some time in there."
I swallow hard and look at him. I've never seen this expression on his face before. It's a mixture of hate, anger, and sadness. "Is that a good idea? Given the fact what I really need is a few years of psychotherapy?"
"It's all related, Junco. You, Charlie, the virtual, the memory loss. All of it."
"There's more to it than that," I say, shaking my head. "I don't want to go back. It's a bad place now."
He stays silent for a while. "Junco, did they kill him while you were in the virtual?" The revulsion in his voice is almost palpable. "Because that really would explain why yer having such trouble letting go."
I mull it over and sniff loudly. "No, he pulled him out first. Pulled us out. And then he had me listen to it over a com. It's dark in there."
"You should go back in. His cube was pretty badly damaged, but I had Layla clean it up. Just go in and make things right, and then leave on yer own accord–"
"Who's Layla?"
He smiles down at me. "My science contact here on Earth." He laughs. "Really now? Did I have ya fooled? Did ya really think I was the brain behind all this bioengineering going on?"
I shrug.
He fishes around in his pockets and pulls out some virtual buds and brings them toward my ears.
"No, I said." I push his hands away. "I don't want to go back in."
"Look, Junco, it has to be done. You're so fucked up it isn't even funny. I can't take ya back like this. She won't help me do it if we can't clean you up a bit."
"Now what are you talking about?" I want to feel angry but I just can't muster up enough emotion to give a shit.
"The morph, Junco. Layla says she can rewrite it. It's already there, she says, just turned off. Ya can't go in like this, Junco. The repressed bits will follow ya and come out the other side. It's not good. We have to clean this up."
I look up at him and shake my head. "Tier, I'm not ready to go back with you – I have things to finish here."
"You will come home with me, Junco. Because I'm not leaving ya here ta fight these bastards alone."
I stare up at the sky for a few moments, thinking about these words, and then he continues.
"Anyway," he says, changing the subject back to the buds in his hands, "if ya want, you can go back in, then initiate the exit. But, Junco..." He takes my face in his hands. "You can stay as long as ya want. It's not set in real-time. An hour in there i
s like a minute out here." He checks the buds and brings them towards my ears.
I push his hands away again. "I'm not going in. I said it's fucking dark in there."
He lays my head back down on his legs and his fingertips trace his pattern across my forehead until I calm down. Then he pulls out his com and loads our constructs and gently slides the buds in place. I hear soft music.
And then the familiar sequence begins, but this time it is Tier's voice telling me what to do.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Picture yourself standing on the edge of a dock. In front of you is a mountain lake and behind you is a small cabin, pristine white curtains flowing in the breeze passing through the windows. Down below the water you can see the scales of brightly colored fish reflecting the sunlight...
... and then I am there.
I can feel the heat on my body and I lie down on the dock and soak it up, listening to the various calls of the nesting eagles on the side of the mountain. It's a nice touch, I think. I love eagles. He put them there for me.
I feel him behind me but I can't bring myself to look. He's dead. That's not really him, just his construct.
He sits down next to me and pulls his knees to his chest as I steal a look. His body is golden tan and he's wearing swim shorts and a white cotton shirt, open in the front like mine, and it flaps in the breeze coming off the lake.
"God," he says, "it's so perfect here, isn't it?" He smiles as he looks down on me and I smile back and reach for him. He takes my hand and pulls me up and puts an arm around me. We sit there and watch the sun try to set. It hangs there, just above the highest summit, like it always does, and then slowly begins to drop behind the mountain.
Charlie turns to me and smiles. "God, I miss you so much."
My face creases and I hold back the tears. "It's gonna get dark now, Charlie! We have to go!"
"Shh."
"No! We have to get out of here! Look," I point up to the last bit of sun fading behind the mountain, "it's almost gone! We have to go now!"
He smiles. "Don't sweat it, OK?"
"Oh God!" The sun is gone and the darkness swoops in, the howling of the nightdogs begins and I pull away.
But his strong arms reach out and pull me back down. "Wait, let me show you what to do."
"I have to get out!"
"No, Junco. You don't – look!"
He's pointing to the sky, so I look up.
"The stars, Junco. They're just tiny dots of sunlight. All you have to do in the dark is find the stars and you'll be fine."
He's right. Starshine is sunshine. I exhale a few short breathes and try to pull myself together. "I'm so sorry for what he did."
"Shh."
"I don't want to go on without you, Charlie."
He hugs me tighter now. "Don't be silly, Junco. There's no point in you doing something stupid. When you leave here, just know that I'm still around, OK?" He leans down and kisses me on the lips. "Your father can rot in hell, because we'll always be together, babe."
I wipe my nose and nod. "We'll always be together."
"Ready?"
I nod.
"Picture yourself on the side of the mountain, sitting on a great big red rock with Tier. The sun is rising in the east and an early winter storm is rolling in from the west over the mountains. Storm's coming, Junco. Better get ready–"
I open my eyes and Tier looks down at me and winces. Then he hugs me and we sit there for a while. I'm your hero, I'm your hero, I'm your hero, I'm your hero.
"So," he says, breaking our silence after a few minutes, "what will ya do now?" I hesitate and he shoots me a look. "Ya can't even be thinking about staying, really?"
I shrug. "I have some unfinished business."
"Aye," he says with a soft breath of air. "Me as well. And then?"
I get up and so does he. "What's gonna happen if I leave with you?" I search his eyes for something, but I don't know what. "What if I don't change? They'll kill me, Tier. I'm the one who brings the end, remember?"
"Junco." His tone is not as soft as it was just a few seconds ago. "Ya just have to trust me. Do ya trust me?"
I hesitate and I see his face change from frustration to anger and then he turns away. "I want to trust you." He turns back and watches me this time as I struggle to find the right words. "But I don't know anything about you. Nothing. I don't know anything about your world, what it looks like, what the people are like, your customs. And your food looks gross." He takes my hand and pulls me back down.
"All ya ever had to do is ask, Junco."
"I asked about the scars, you just ignored me."
"Ya want to know where I got those scars?"
I nod.
He looks up at the sky. The stars are almost all invisible now, and the sunrise behind us has blanketed the top one-third of the western mountains a hazy pink. It takes a few more minutes before he begins. "It's a long story, and there's a lot more to it than what I'm gonna say now. But one day, Junco, we'll have time. And I'll tell ya anything ya want to know."
I nod.
"Our world is not like Earth. We are a large population confined in a limited space, compounded by a longevity that ya can't even begin to understand yet." He takes a deep breath and his fingers are absently playing with my hair. "I said we don't have families, but that's not the whole truth. We have something else. And yer born into it, like a family, but it's an occupation."
He looks down at me now and I smile.
"I'm in a special military cluster, the Aves cluster. Was born into it. And that's why I am who I am and why I do what I do. Our training involves being sent out to Earth as children." He looks down again. "Before we morph, right? No wings. We're just like human children. So I was sent down here when I was five and the goal was to stay ten years, go back, fledge, and get on with my adult assignments. But it didn't happen that way."
"What happened?"
"An angry, alcoholic foster parent. Not anything atypical for where I was staying. Of course, I didn't realize that at the time, and being who I am – I was less than accepting of some crazy drunk controlling me with his delusions of superiority and violence."
"Who are you?"
He smiles. "I'm a pretty high rank where I come from, Juncs. Was born with the potential and gifted the things required to give me this rank. I had a bit of an ego back then, so–"
"And they, your parents, did that to you? Beat you and made those scars?"
He nods. "So I killed him when I was twelve. Not the female. She was beaten just as bad as I was." Then he shrugs.
"And is this what you did wrong that you have to make up for by killing me?"
He laughs. "Nah. No one cared about that, and that was, hell, a dozen years ago now. They just called me home and I fledged out early and went on full assignment. But I killed some other people too." His voice lowers and gets a little more serious. "Those they did care about. But those fuckers had it coming."
That hangs out there for a while and I remember Aren's words from what seems like so long ago. Since you went AWOL yesterday and were tracked to a certain alien who killed more than two dozen scientists out at the Camp, not to mention a whole shitload of corporate executives from all over the United Republics...
The silence drags on a little longer before I ask my next question. "So what's in it for you, Tier? If you bring me back?"
Some air blows out past his lips and he thinks for a moment before answering. "Redemption, Junco. Isn't that what we all search for? Just a little bit of redemption for past mistakes. I see ya and think, she doesn't have to have that life. Doesn't have to stand for it. And I want–"
I wait but he stays silent. "What?"
"I just want you to have yer chance, Junco. And yeah, it's risky what I'm asking ya to do. It is, but I've already started it. Made decisions that can't be undone."
"So, you're basically telling me that you're a big fuck-up?"
He looks down at me and I'm smiling. "Yeah, Junco. That's about right. I
'm just one giant fuck-up."
I lean my head into his chest. "I can relate."
We stay that way for several more minutes, just breathing. Being. And then I break the peace. "I know you're worried about me asking you how you had the biometrics to get in the tunnels."
He takes a deep breath and my head on his chest goes up as he inhales, then down when he lets it out. "I am."
I sit up and look at him. "I know you don't want to tell me. Maybe you'll never tell me."
Maybe the truth isn't all it's cracked up to be. Ignorance is bliss and all that good shit. I turn away, half ashamed at myself for not having the strength to push him on this. But there's something to be said for second chances and if he's willing to make a sacrifice for me, then who am I to judge how he got here?
I turn back to look him in the eyes. "And it's OK, ya know? I won't ask again. If you ever want to tell me," I shrug, "well, then I'm here."
He lets out a little bit of air through his nose that substitutes for a laugh and answers in a whisper, "Now why would ya give me a pass on something like that, Junco?"
I mull it over for a few minutes.
"You ever hear of synchronicity, Tier? It's like – when two things, or acts, or situations – whatever. When two things happen that you think have no meaning or connection suddenly line up and come together to create something meaningful."
I look up at him and see that he's listening, and I smile. I'm the storyteller for once.
"And whatever it was you've been doing with yourself here on Earth, it made this outcome possible. This moment, right here on this rock. Sitting here with me.
"It's like being old and looking back on your life and seeing all the mistakes. Some really bad ones, right? And you think, damn, if only I never did – whatever. If I had only done something different, didn't hurt that person with my actions or words, didn't let that person take advantage of me, or I made this decision instead of that one – then life would be different.