“What does that mean?” he demanded.
“It means that I know she has been your mistress in the past. The indication to me is that she still occupies that dubious position.”
He was angry; he was disturbed; but even so he managed to be amused. I felt then that he would be amused by any situation, no matter what pain it caused to others.
“What amuses you?” I could not help asking.
“Your solemnity, my dear. This is nothing…a bagatelle. We can arrange this.”
“I have already done so by crossing her name off the list.”
“But I wish her to have the post.”
“Why?”
“Because she is the most suitable for it. I know these ladies.”
“Very well, it would seem.”
“Catherine, you are so different. Where is my sweet little wife?”
“You cannot expect sweetness from her when she is asked to accept your mistress into her household.”
“I admit to a liaison in the past. There were…others, you know. It is natural enough. I was never meant to be a monk. All that is changed now. I swear I have not been with Barbara since our marriage.”
“Barbara!”
“Barbara Palmer, Lady Castlemaine.”
“And you are now proposing to resume the relationship?”
“Catherine! What has happened to you?”
“I should have thought that would have been clear.”
“This jealousy…this unreasonableness…it is so unlike you.”
“I saw no reason for jealousy before this.”
“There is none now. Catherine, you are the Queen. You must behave like one.”
“And tolerate the presence of my husband’s mistress in my bedchamber?”
“She is not my mistress now.”
“She was.”
“I have never denied it. Listen to me. I will vouch for her. She will serve you well. Do you think I would not insist on that? Never think for a moment that she should be allowed to presume on her past relationship with me. If there were any sign of that, she would be dismissed. I promise you that.”
He held out his arms to me and smiled apologetically.
But I kept hearing my mother’s words. “Do not receive her. Do not have her in your court.”
I turned away. I thought: my heart is broken. Whatever he says, he wants her here. I have been deceived by him. So much charm…so many assurances of devotion…they did not go very deeply.
I said in a cold voice: “Charles, I will not have that woman in my household.”
His manner changed. I had never seen him look like that before. His face had darkened. He looked saturnine.
But he said nothing. He turned away and walked out of the room.
THE AWAKENING
MY DREAM WAS OVER. FROM BEING THE HAPPIEST WOMAN in England I had become the most miserable.
I had not seen Charles since that scene. He was really angry with me, and that could only mean one thing: the appointment of Lady Castlemaine was of the utmost importance to him. And why? It could only be for one reason.
But he must know that I would never have Lady Castlemaine in my household. He must understand. Surely anyone would see the reason for it. He was certainly aware of it, but he was angry because he greatly desired the woman to be there. She had asked for the appointment and he had promised it.
So he must have seen her. His urgent business was to be with her. She had just left her husband because he had had her child baptized as a Catholic…and the child was not her husband’s.
Whose child was it? Why was she so incensed that it had had a Catholic baptism? The inference was obvious. Oh no! I could not believe it. But I must not shut my mind to the obvious. Charles had been so loving to me, so charming, because he was indeed practiced in these matters. I had been one of the many…albeit that I was his wife.
No wonder Maria and Elvira had looked so grave; no wonder Maria had talked to my mother, who had sought to prepare me for Lady Castlemaine.
I was seeing it all clearly now. I had been duped during those weeks at Hampton Court. And how easy it had been to deceive me! No wonder I had so often seen amusement in his eyes. He must have been laughing at the simplicity of the task.
I wanted to go home…back to my mother…back to her palace…back to the convent where I could live with my dreams.
It was several days since I had seen him. At times the longing to do so was so great that I was on the point of sending a message to him. “Please come back to me. I will do as you wish. I will accept her in my household.” Then I would say to myself: Never. Never will I have her near me.
And so I did not see him.
I had to make a pretence that nothing unusual was happening. I did my best, but it was not easy. Maria and Elvira noticed the change in me.
“Are you well? Is anything wrong?” asked Maria.
“I am well, thank you.”
“You are overtired,” said Elvira.
“Perhaps you should see the physician,” added Maria.
“Please…please do not fret. I am quite well.”
They looked at each other skeptically. Their disapproval of English ways as well as their manners of dress had not diminished.
Then came that day which I was to remember as one of the most unhappy of my life.
I was in the Presence Room and some of the ladies of the court were being presented to me. Maria and Elvira had taken their stand on either side of me as they always did, like a pair of dragons guarding me, which mever failed to cause some amusement in the company.
I was trying to behave normally when I heard Charles’s voice. My heart leaped with pleasure. He had come then! He had decided to end this trouble between us. He had realized, of course, that I had only behaved as a wife naturally would. He had accepted my decision. All would be well between us.
He had caught my eyes across the room and was smiling at me.
I felt my features relax. Happiness filled me. It was over. All was well between us.
He was coming toward me, holding the hand of one of the ladies as he always did when he presented them to me.
One could not help noticing her. She was tall and one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. Yet, statuesque as she was, Charles still towered above her. They looked splendid together. I often thought that his height made me look smaller than I actually was, and I was very conscious of that and felt a certain envy of tall women. This one’s hair was bronze in color, falling in luxuriant curls over her bare shoulders; her eyes were large and sparkling; she held herself proudly, arrogantly, one might say: she gave an impression of complete assurance. I supposed one would have that, with such looks. She was the sort of woman who would be noticed immediately whenever she appeared.
Charles presented her to me. She smiled and lowered her eyes as she bent to kiss my hand. The King murmured something I could not catch.
She turned away, Charles with her.
Maria bent toward me. “Do you know who that was?” she demanded.
“I could not catch the name.”
“He intended you should not. He did not pronounce it clearly for that reason. Can you not guess?”
I looked at her blankly.
Elvira whispered: “It is Lady Castlemaine.”
Now I understood why there was tension in the room, why there was a lull in the conversation.
How could he? I thought. How dare he!
I felt the dizziness overcome me; then something warm was spreading over my face, for the blood was gushing from my nose. I saw the stain on my gown and fell fainting to the floor.
* * *
I CAN IMAGINE the consternation, although I was unaware of it. What a spectacle it must have been! The Lady — as I learned later they called her — sauntering away with the King, and the Queen lying on the floor in a faint, her face and gown covered in blood.
There could never have been anything like it in the court of England.
I can picture
Maria and Elvira fussing over me, giving directions, implying that no one must dare touch me but themselves. Charles would know what had brought this on. Did he find it amusing, I wondered. That was unfair. He would be distressed. He was fond of me. He could not have deceived me as blatantly as that. If I would be the complaisant Queen, accepting his mistress, I could still have a small place in his affections.
I lay in my bed, and with consciousness came back the memory of that Presence Chamber and Maria and Elvira telling me who it was who had kissed my hand.
I never wanted to live through such a moment again in the whole of my life.
And there I was, in my bed with the physicians standing by, and Elvira and Maria hovering over me, determined to protect me from whatever disaster should come to me next.
I think the physicians understood that there had been such attacks before and that seemed a matter for relief. I must rest, they said. They would give me some physic. I must remain quiet and not excite myself.
So I lay in my bed, going over it all. I longed for my mother. She would know what I should do. I believed there was one thing she would be certain of: I should never have that brazen woman in my household.
A day passed. I left my bed. I sat about miserably, hoping that the King would come. Surely he must understand my reason for refusing to have Lady Castlemaine in my household. He was usually so ready to understand the problems of others; he was always so sympathetic. But perhaps that was only when they did not inconvenience himself.
Maria came to tell me that I had a visitor. My heart leaped. I was sure it must be the King. But it was not. It was Lord Clarendon.
He was brought in and came to me and kissed my hand. He was neither tall nor short and had a ruddy complexion, inclined to be fat, and he walked with difficulty. He had a clever face, but I did not need this to tell me that he was one of the most able men in the kingdom.
I was amazed that he should come to see me.
He immediately asked after my health and I asked after his.
“It is this accursed gout, Your Majesty,” he said. “It makes a slave of me.”
“Then pray be seated and tell me your business,” I said. We were able to speak in Spanish, which was convenient.
He was a man of great insight, much traveled, as I knew; he had remained loyal to the Royalist cause throughout its darkest days; he had traveled on the continent with Charles and was his most trusted adviser; he had shared hardships with him, sometimes, as he had written, “with neither clothes nor fire to preserve him from the sharpness of the season and not three sous in the world to buy a faggot.”
“Your Majesty,” he said, “I come on behalf of His Majesty the King.”
I said: “Why does not the King come himself?”
“Madam,” he went on, “he is uncertain of your mood and it seems, on this occasion, that an intermediary is advisable.”
“That is not so,” I retorted sharply. “If the King wishes to speak to me, it is for him to do so.”
Clarendon looked excessively uncomfortable. He shifted painfully in his seat.
“This little misunderstanding between Your Majesty and the King is deeply to be deplored.”
“None deplore it more deeply than I.”
“Then I am sure we can smooth it out.”
He then began to talk at some length of the King’s dilemma, and I gathered from his tone that I had been a little hasty and not as understanding as I might have been.
I was hurt and angry because it seemed that he believed I was the one who was in the wrong and that it was really rather foolish of me to make such trouble about an insignificant matter.
I looked at him steadily and said: “I do not think, my lord, that you and I see this matter in the same light. I will not have Lady Castlemaine in my household.”
My face was flushed and my heart was beating very fast. He was aware of my agitation and he rose quickly, saying he did not wish to distress me and would call again at a time more convenient to me.
I did not seek to detain him, and he left.
I tried to calm myself. I must not become so agitated at the sound of that woman’s name. All I had to do was refuse to see her. After all, was I not the Queen?
The next day Lord Clarendon called again. I felt much calmer and ready to talk to him.
“Pray be seated, my lord,” I said. “I am sorry for my reception of you yesterday. I was unprepared. I fancied that you believed the blame to be mine and I found that insupportable. I cannot see it in that light. I had looked upon you as my friend. I know you came on the King’s behalf and you have always been his most loyal servant. He has spoken to me of your fidelity to him at all times, but you must understand that I have suffered great anguish over this matter, which has made me a very unhappy woman.”
He replied earnestly that his great desire was to be of service to me. He would be very unhappy if, in explaining the effect my conduct had had on the King and how it would be wise to put matters right between us, he had appeared to be ungracious to me.
I replied that I was not averse to hearing if I had committed some fault.
He said: “Oh, Your Majesty, everything that has happened is very understandable. Your Majesty has had a restricted upbringing, if you will forgive my saying so. There are certain imperfections in mankind that have to be accepted, lamentable though they may be. I would point out, Madam, that these little failings are not only to be met with in this country.” He smiled wryly. “It has come to my knowledge that they exist in your own land in no small measure. But you have been sheltered. Your ears have never been sullied with these…er…little follies which are common to all mankind.”
“It is all so unexpected…”
“Your Majesty, you will agree with me that, had we sent an English princess to Portugal, she would not have found a court completely virtuous.”
“I cannot say…”
“Then I can assure Your Majesty that it would be so. The King has been devoted to you. Anything that happened before your marriage ought not to concern you, nor should you attempt to discover it.”
“I have not inquired into the past. I merely refuse to accept this woman into my household and she is being forced upon me. I do not want her. She is not a virtuous woman and therefore my ladies should not be expected to associate with her.”
“Madam, if the King insists…”
“If he insists, he exposes me to the contempt of the courts of Europe and shows he has no love for me.”
“I must warn Your Majesty that you should not provoke the King too far.”
“But it is he who is provoking me.”
“Accept this…as others have before you. The great Catherine de’ Medici accepted her husband’s affection for the Lady Diane de Poitiers, and she held her position at court. In fact, it was strengthened. It is all part of the duties of a Queen.”
“I wish to please the King, but I cannot accept that woman in my household.”
He gave up in despair, but he was not as despairing as I was.
I was deep in misery.
* * *
THAT NIGHT CHARLES CAME. I had never before seen him look as he did then. The tenderness was missing and he looked displeased.
“I hear you remain stubborn,” he said. “And I see that you have no true love for me.”
“Charles! It is because I love you! That is why I cannot bear to have this woman here.”
“I tell you, I have given her my word that she shall come.”
“That means that she will come…no matter what I want.”
“All I ask is that you receive her.”
I murmured: “To bring her here as you did…without warning. I cannot forget that you did that to me.”
“You should have controlled your venom against her. Instead of…”
“I know, I know. It was a distressing scene, but I had no control over it. Charles, it was due to my overwhelming grief, grief that I had been so deceived.”
“It is a great de
al of fuss about a matter of no great importance.”
“If it is of no great importance, why do you insist that she comes?”
“I mean of no great importance to you. I can only marvel that you can behave so.”
I shouted at him: “Not so much as I marvel at your behavior.”
“You are completely unworldly. You reason like a child.”
“I reason like a wife who is ready to love and please her husband and has now been so ill-treated that her heart is broken. I wish I had never come here. I will go home. I will go back to Portugal.”
“It would be well for you to discover first whether your mother would receive you. I shall begin by sending back your servants. I have a notion that they maintain you in this stubborn attitude.”
We had both raised our voices and I thought afterward of how many people would be listening to us and how soon the news that the King and Queen were quarrelling over Lady Castlemaine would be spread round the court. It would reach her ears, and I was sure she would be gratified.
“You have not kept to your vows,” I cried.
“Can you upbraid me for that? What of your family? Did they honour our terms? Did they carry out the obligations of the treaty? What of the portion which was promised and was not there when the time came? What of the spice and sugar that has yet to be transformed into cash? If I were you, I should not talk too much of honouring vows.”
This was unkind. It was no fault of mine that the money which had been waiting had had to be used in our conflict against the Spaniards.
“Oh, I should never have come,” I said. “I want to go home.”
I saw the expression cross his face. He was shocked that, in spite of all this, I should want to leave him. And did I? I was not sure. I was too bitterly wounded to know what I wanted.
He seemed suddenly to decide he would hear no more. He left me in my misery.
* * *
CLARENDON CAME NEXT DAY. I think he was sorry for me, but at the same time he was determined to see this through the King’s eyes. I suppose that was his duty.
“Your Majesty, this has become a grievous matter indeed,” he said.
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