by E. L. Todd
“Now, that’s an actual possibility.”
“Maybe we can get them a trip or something. Like, rent out a hotel somewhere and give them a romantic weekend.”
“They already live on the beach.”
“Oh yeah…” I guess that was a stupid idea.
“But that was very sweet, Cortland.” She touched my arm and I wanted her to never pull away.
She dropped her hand and continued eating her sandwich.
I sighed in despair. “So…did you want to talk about what happened?”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“You know, how we hooked up.”
She finished her sandwich then sipped her water. “I thought we said everything that needed to be said.”
“And you’re okay with everything? You aren’t mad at me?”
“I’m a big girl, Cortland.” She smiled then ate her chips. “Don’t worry about me.”
“I just don’t think it should happen again.”
“Okay.” There was no fight in her.
I was hurt she didn’t try to change my mind. I knew she said she wouldn’t fight for me, but I didn’t expect her to actually do it. I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing at this point, but I didn’t like how calm she was about everything. Every night, I stared at the picture of us at the wax museum and I wished I were with her. She didn’t? She wasn’t going through the same pain I was? “Do you still love me?” I blurted.
She flinched at my words. “What kind of question is that?”
“An honest one.” I looked at her. “It just seems like…you don’t care.”
“We’re broken up,” she said firmly. “I accept that. I know you aren’t mine anymore and you never will be again. Break ups are hard but we’ll get through it. I’m doing everything you wanted me to do, so what’s the problem?”
“I…I don’t know.”
She stared at me for a long time. “If you want me to leave the group, I will.”
“No,” I said immediately. “I don’t want that. I guess I’m surprised how easy this is for you.”
“Cortland, never judge a book by its cover.”
“Meaning?”
She leaned closer to me in the booth, her lips almost touching mine. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to kiss you?” Her breath fell on my face. “It’s really hard.”
“Then do it.” What the fuck was I doing? Why did I just say that?
Her eyes stared straight into mine before she leaned in. The kiss wasn’t like the one we had a few weeks ago. This was different. It was loving and strong. I felt how much she missed me just through her lips. I breathed hard, feeling my heart thud painfully. I missed this.
My hand moved around her waist and I pulled her closer to me. Other people were in the shop but neither one of us cared. Her hand gripped my shoulder and her tongue danced with mine. She set me on fire.
She ended the kiss abruptly.
“What?” I asked.
She stared at me for a long time. “I’m okay with this. But if you really want to move on, kissing me isn’t going to help. All you’re doing is making this harder on yourself.”
I knew she was right. “I don’t know if I want to move on…”
“Maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
“No.” I grabbed her wrist. “I don’t want that.”
“Then what do you want?” She gave me a firm look.
I wanted to take her back and start over, but I was scared. What if she hurt me again? It seemed like she really changed but what assurance did I have? What if she shattered me into pieces? I wouldn’t recover again, and I knew I wouldn’t be the same person. I was barely holding on.
“If you don’t know, then I’m not the girl you want. Find someone else.” She grabbed her purse and left the booth. I sat in the restaurant alone, my thoughts my only company.
I couldn’t sleep that night. All I thought about was Monnique and our unusual predicament. What the hell was I doing? Where was this going? What did I want? We’d been spending time together for the past month, and every time I was with her I wanted to be with her again. I preferred her company over anyone else’s. Why the fuck did I love her so damn much? What’s wrong with me?
I pulled out my phone and texted her. It was late but she might respond. U awake?
She responded immediately. I’m always awake.
What are you doing?
Something I’d rather not say.
I think I knew what it was. And it made me hard. What else would she be doing at one in the morning? I can’t sleep. Can we talk?
Sure.
Can I come to your place?
You’re always welcome here.
Be there in 5.
I got dressed then walked to her apartment. Even in the middle of the night, people were everywhere. The city really never slept. When I reached her apartment, I knocked lightly.
She opened the door wearing short-shorts and a loose top. She wasn’t wearing a bra so I could see her nipples. I tried not to stare. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I couldn’t think of something better to say.
“Did you want to have this conversation inside or in the hallway?”
“Inside.”
“Then come in.” She opened the door wider than shut it behind me. “What’s up?”
I paced in her kitchen. “I don’t know…”
“You don’t know what?”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“Okay.” She sat down at the kitchen table. That bored look was on her face again.
I was getting sick of this. She acted like she didn’t care. She never showed any emotion for me. I was insignificant and unloved. She claimed she loved me and wanted to be with me again, but she wasn’t grabbing me by the arm and forcing me to stay with her. “Fight for me!” I gripped the back of the chair and stared her down. “You want me? Tell me. You want me? Show me. You want me? Grab me and don’t let go.”
She still didn’t respond. A blank look was on her face. “No.”
“No?”
“I told you I wouldn’t fight for you. I meant what I said.”
“Then how are you going to get me back?”
“I only want you back if you want to be here.” She gave me a hard look. “I know I fucked up big time, Cortland. The only way I want you to come back to me is by your own free will. I refuse to manipulate you or prey on your vulnerability. If you want to get back together and you find a way to trust me again, I’m here. But until then, I’m not doing anything. This is completely your decision and I will not sway you in any direction. Go out with women and fuck them all. Do what you have to do. Make sure this is what you want.
“Maybe it seems like I don’t care, but that isn’t true. Believe me, it breaks my heart. But I’m putting you first, Cortland. Take your time and decide what you want. I can tell you still don’t trust me, so why would I fight for you? You keep your distance from me even though you look at me in the same way. You’re still on your guard. If you’re that scared of me, why would I want you to come back to me? I want what’s best for you, Cortland. If you gave these girls a real chance, maybe you’d find someone that could complete you. Maybe you’d find your perfect woman. But if you aren’t giving them a chance, you’ll get nowhere. Take the time to figure out what you want. I’ll still be here whatever you decide.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared me down.
“But…I only want you.”
She didn’t react. “But you still don’t trust me…”
I sighed. “I’ve seen how much you’ve changed. Just the fact you’re giving me this kind of space shows how much you care about me…but I’m still scared you’re going to hurt me again.”
“I understand.”
I stepped away and walked in a circle. “But I don’t want to date anyone. I don’t want to kiss anyone. I just want to be with you, but in a way I can’t get hurt.”
“Basically, what we’ve been doing so far?”<
br />
“I guess…”
“Then leave it that way. Maybe you’ll trust me again. Maybe you won’t.”
Her indifference still irritated me. “Why did you have to hurt me? We were fucking perfect and then you destroyed everything.”
She finally reacted. Her eyes coated with tears. “I already hate myself, Cortland. I can’t hate myself more than I already do.”
“We’d probably be married right now!”
She stood up then opened the door. “Go.”
“What?’
“I can’t do this.” Her eyes bubbled with tears. “I know what I did, Cortland. You don’t need to remind me. I’ll always hate myself for what I did to you. In my dreams, it haunts me. In my waking hours, it suffocates me. Please don’t throw it in my face. You can’t hate me more than I already hate myself.”
I stared at her, feeling my heart break in two. “I don’t hate you…”
“You should.” She wouldn’t look at me.
“How could I hate someone I love so much?”
“I don’t deserve to be loved by you.”
“But you are,” I said simply. “Nothing you say or do will change that.”
She opened the door wider. “Please go.”
I stepped closer to the door but didn’t step out. Instead, I turned to her and cupped her face, kissing her tears away.
Her breathing hitched as soon as I touched her. She sniffed lightly.
“I’ll always love you, Monnique. Please don’t cry.”
She took a deep breath and stilled her tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” I pressed my head to hers and held her for a moment, listening to her breathe. “I wished I didn’t love you so damn much. But I do. And I always will.”
Her breathing increased but she didn’t have any other noticeable reaction
“Good night.”
“Good night,” she whispered.
I let my emotions get the better of me, and I cupped her face and kissed her. The taste of salt was imminent.
Her lips pressed to mine before they were gone.
Without looking at her, I walked out and shut the door behind me.
3
Hazel
Living with Flynn was going well. It’d only been a week, but I was comfortable there. But, I still had a lot of progress to make. I still thought of everything as his, so I refrained from touching his belongings or using everything as much as possible.
“Can I take a shower?” I asked when I got home from rehearsal.
He was sitting on the couch with his computer in his lap. “What?” He turned around and looked at me.
I raised my voice. “Can I take a shower?” How could he not hear me?
He covered his ears and cringed. “I heard what you said. But why are you asking me that?”
“Oh. I just…wanted to see if it’s okay.”
He rolled his eyes then placed his computer on the coffee table. He came over to me, annoyance on his face. “Hazel, this is our apartment, as in, it belongs to both of us. You are welcome to do whatever the hell you want. You don’t need to ask my permission to do anything.”
“Well, I didn’t know if you were planning on showering or something…”
“So? Tell me to deal with it.” He had a playful look in his eyes. “Slap me around and show me who’s boss. I may pay the rent, but you own the place.”
I smiled even though I didn’t want to.
“Hey. Mi casa es su casa. Comprende?”
“I don’t speak Spanish.”
“Then how did you know I was speaking Spanish?” He could be such a smartass.
“I’m taking a shower.” I marched off.
He clapped his hands. “Someone finally got some spunk.”
I marched back to him with a glare on my face and raised my hand to hit his arm.
He grabbed it then slammed his lips against mine, catching me off guard. When his mouth devoured me and he breathed into my mouth, I knew he wanted it. I’d come to understand when he wanted to make love and when he wanted to fuck my brains out, two very different things.
Late at night, it was always time to make love. He’d move into me slowly and take his time. His eyes were locked to mine and he made it last as long as possible. In the middle of the day, it was all about pounding me hard and fast. I didn’t mind in the least.
Flynn moved me down the hall, his mouth still sealed over mine. He breathed into me, filling my lungs. When we reached the bedroom, he threw me on the bed then climbed on top of me. He removed my clothes without being gentle, and his mouth pressed against mine hard. He was anxious and determined.
I peeled his clothes off and marveled at how good he felt. His entire body was smooth but hard with muscle. I liked his ass the most. It was small but it was sexy as hell. I liked feeling it when he thrust into me.
Flynn grabbed the back of my neck then gripped one thigh before he pounded into me. I was held firmly in place while he did all the work. All I had to do was lay there and enjoy how good it felt.
My hands moved up his chest then reached his shoulders. I clung to him while he pushed me into the mattress. I hated thinking about all the women who had come and gone before me, but I loved the experience he had. He knew exactly how to satisfy a woman and keep her coming back for more. Even when he was rough with me, he was still gentle, never making me sore. Kyle did his thing then rolled off.
Flynn looked into my eyes, a hot desire burning. “I love fucking your pussy.”
I loved it when he talked dirty to me. He only did it when we fucked like this, but I liked it. He was really good at it. Me, not so much. Those words set off a reaction and made my inside spark like a lit firework. My head rolled back as the momentum rocked through me. “Flynn…yes.”
He pressed his mouth to my ear and breathed loud and hard. I liked listening to every sound he made. Knowing how turned on he was by me made my orgasm last just a second longer. “I love coming inside you.” His thrusts slowed as he emptied himself inside me. “Feels so fucking good…” He moved a few more times before he lay on me, his face in the crook of my neck.
I lay still then moved my fingers through his hair, feeling satisfied after the way he went to town on me.
“Now, what were you saying?” he asked.
“I don’t remember.”
He got off me the lay beside me. “Rocked your world, didn’t I?”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re so cocky.”
“But didn’t I?”
I shrugged. “I’ve had better.”
“You’re so full of it.” He pressed his lips close to mine. “Tell me I’m the best you ever had.”
“This is a new level of egotism.”
“Tell me,” he said firmly.
“I think I tell you every time I scream your name.”
He chuckled then placed a kiss on my neck. “I still want to hear it anyway.”
“Fine.” I looked him in the eye. “You’re the best I ever had.”
“Damn right. I make sure you come back for more.”
“I still came back to Kyle even though he never made me come.”
“What?” He looked at me like I was crazy. “He never made you come?”
“I wouldn’t say never, but it was very rare.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “Then why did you stick around?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It wasn’t a big deal.”
“Not a big deal?” he asked incredulously. “I would never be with a girl if she couldn’t make me come.”
“Well, men and women are totally different…”
“So?” he asked. “Have we ever had sex and you didn’t come?”
“No…”
“It’s not that hard.”
“But you have a lot more experience than he does.”
“When I was with Zahara, she was my first. And I still made her come every time.”
“Zahara?” I asked.
“The girl I was with for a
long time,” he explained.
Zahara? That was such a unique name. “Oh. But, I’m sure it took you awhile to get to that level.”
“Not really,” he said. “I just felt her body and paid attention to what she liked and didn’t like. It’s not rocket science. Did he have a small dick?”
“Okay, now this has gone too far.”
“Did he?” he pressed.
“I don’t know what’s big or small, but yours is much larger.”
“No surprise there,” he said sarcastically.
I kept thinking about that name. “That’s an unusual name.”
“What?” he asked.
“Zahara.”
He shrugged. “I guess.”
I waited for him to elaborate on that.
When I kept staring at him, he spoke. “What?”
“Was she African American?” I just couldn’t picture him with anyone that wasn’t white.
“Actually, she was half Puerto Rican and half Kenyan.”
“Oh.”
“Why does that matter?”
“I just…I’m white.”
“Yeah, I know,” he said sarcastically.
“I just mean…we’re so different.”
“I’m not following.”
“If you’re attracted to her, how can you be attracted to me? I have blonde hair and green eyes…I’m so plain.”
“It’s not like she’s the pinnacle of beauty I compare all women to. I’ve been with a lot of different girls. I’ve been with Asians, Native Americans, girls who had so much mixed blood they didn’t even know, Russians, Germans…everything. I even went out with a foreign girl who didn’t speak a word of English. I couldn’t even tell you where she was from.”
“Okay…you aren’t helping.”
He sighed. “My point is, I don’t have a type. I find all women beautiful. Just because you aren’t exotic doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re unique. That’s not true at all.”
I wasn’t sure why this was bothering me so much.
He stared at me. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t close off from me,” he snapped. “Now tell me.”
“I just…she’s probably way prettier than I am.”
He rolled his eyes. “I understand why you’re insecure, but this needs to stop. I don’t compare you to her or visa versa. Honestly, I don’t even think about her. If you’re worried about me comparing the two of you, I suggest you don’t bring her up again. You’re the one digging your own grave.”