by Haley Weir
“Nah, I wasn’t the one who gave up. She gave up and she didn’t even have the consideration to tell me. I spent the night in her bed. She had every opportunity to let me down easy or tell me to go to hell, but she did neither.”
“Maybe it isn’t over for her?”
“It’s over,” he said with conviction. Dorian hit the showers and then got changed to start his shift, praying that the fires claimed no more lives. He moved through his day on autopilot, getting lost in his thoughts even more often than normal. If anyone noticed the difference in his mood, they didn’t mention it, but Dorian felt numb. He supposed it was better than feeling angry or disappointed.
The last call of the night was an easy one, so he went home instead of sleeping in his bunk. Right inside his door was a stack of mail. Dorian looked through it and tossed it in the trash, seeing nothing but bills and magazine subscriptions. And then he shut himself off, clearing his mind of anything that reminded him of Jenny Owens and focused on the very thing that Michael always preached about. He focused on self-love.
Not loving one’s self was a strange thing to realize.
Dorian ignored his phone when it began to ring every ten minutes. He knew his friends were worried, but he couldn’t subject himself to having to explain his emotions. How was he supposed to explain what he didn’t understand? The only thing for him to do was to take some time and figure out a future that didn’t involve the woman he had dreamed about for so long.
***
Someone pounded on her door at three in the morning until she climbed out of bed and answered it. Jenny half expected to find Dorian on the other side, but instead she came face to face with Sapphire and Destiny. “It’s a little late for a book club meeting, don’t you guys think?” Jenny asked sarcastically, but the expressions on their faces sobered her. “What happened?”
Sapphire didn’t hold back. “How could a woman as intelligent as you be so stupid? What did Dorian do to deserve the way you’ve treated him?”
Jenny didn’t say anything. She couldn’t.
Destiny crossed her arms and cocked a hip. “He came by the shop and left a message. He says that he isn’t available to be your rebound anymore. You really hurt him, Jenny. Can’t you at least tell him what went wrong?”
“I was what went wrong!” she shouted, unable to hold back the tears any longer. “I was the problem. All the talk about soulmates and him wanting me to be happy and all of the beautiful things he says…I can’t be the woman he sees in me! I’m not who he thinks I am! And nothing I do or say will ever change his mind. This was the only way.”
“What do you mean you aren’t the woman he sees in you?”
“You haven’t been there. You don’t know how he looks at me,” Jenny cried. “It’s like nothing else in the world exists. Like I’m more than what Zach and all of the others ever told me I was, but I’m not. If it goes any further, I’ll just screw him up, too.”
Destiny shook her head and walked into the kitchen. Jenny followed her friend, but stopped when she noticed that Sapphire made no attempt to join them. In all the years they had been friends, Sapphire White had never cried. She was too strong, too empowered for tears. “Don’t you know that I would have loved for a man to look at me like that? How many women in the world would love to be looked at like that?”
“It isn’t real.”
“You don’t get to decide that!” Sapphire snapped. “You don’t get to tell someone how they feel, Jen. My entire life, I’ve been your ugly friend or your weird friend, trailing behind you guys like a sad puppy you all took pity on. I’ve never had a boyfriend, but I’ve had a best friend. And I would never wish what you did to Dorian on my worst enemy.”
“Saph, you aren’t our ugly friend or our weird friend. We love you.”
“Would you do that to me?” she asked. “If I treated you differently and stopped calling you an Ice Queen, would you shut me out and never speak to me again? Would you tell me that you don’t trust me anymore because I’ve showed you kindness or would you just stop all contact?”
“It isn’t the same.”
“Fine. But how is it different?” Sapphire demanded. “Your friends are the exception to the rule, I get that. But why do you only love people who don’t deserve it?”
“I don’t know,” Jenny sighed in defeat. “Maybe I can’t love someone that I know I’ll disappoint. Dorian is perfect, Saph. He’s too good for me and I know that.”
Sapphire threw her hands up in the air. “If you believe that ridiculous excuse, then maybe you shouldn’t be with Dorian. Just admit that you’re scared of being loved. You believe in love, Jen, and that’s ok. But now there’s someone out there who was hurt because of you, someone who didn’t deserve it. You’re no better than Zach.”
“That’s unfair. I haven’t even known Dorian for that long.”
“I didn’t come here to be fair. Love doesn’t have a timer on it, Jen. You can’t tell someone that they aren’t allowed to love you,” Sapphire said. “I’m not here to comfort you or anything like that. I’ve seen what kind of person you are now and I need some time before I can decide if I want that person in my life.”
“You would do that? Throw away a ten-year friendship because we disagree on something? Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
“I’ve given you more consideration than you’ve given Dorian.” Sapphire stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind her. Jenny stood stunned in the entrance of her home. She knew Destiny had overheard the conversation. She knew that her best friend in the entire world probably agreed with Sapphire.
“What have I done, Destiny?” she sobbed. “I can’t stop thinking about his face when I walked past him as if I didn’t even know him. Each night, I sit here and listen to his messages and read his texts, but I never respond. My car is parked at the lounge so I can sit here and pretend I’m not home when he comes by.”
“That’s…how could you do that, Jenny? After what Zach did to you for so many years, can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that you did those things?”
Jenny nodded, turning toward her friend to stare into her gaze. “Everything Sapphire said was true. I’m not a good person. Not anymore.”
“I don’t believe that,” Destiny said. “But what I don’t understand is why you deliberately chose to be unhappy. Why torment both of you just because there's a possibility that you could get hurt? Aren’t you hurting now?”
“I am. It hurts more than it should.”
“Love is supposed to hurt sometimes. That’s how you know it’s real. If you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t feel like this.” Destiny kissed Jenny on the cheek. “Let’s have some tea and talk about what happened. Maybe we can fix this.”
“I don’t think I can.”
CHAPTER TEN
At dawn, Dorian and Brock went out into the forest to survey the land. Icy blue eyes scanned the trees in search for anything amiss. The source of the fires had to be out there somewhere and the only thing keeping Dorian sane was his work. Brock crouched down by the soil that was still damp from the night before and dragged his hand across the sodden earth. “Look, someone was covering their tracks.”
“How do you know?”
“I was the last of us to move here. Most of my time was spent in Texas as a ranger,” Brock revealed. “It’s what got me interested in being a firefighter. We had a lot of arson cases one summer and I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.”
“I’m glad you feel passionate about something.”
“Anyway. If you pay attention to the ground, there are footprints everywhere.”
“And?” Dorian asked.
“And the footprints are everywhere but on this overgrown path. It’s been brushed clean on purpose to hide tracks. Out here, perfection is suspect.” Brock moved quietly and along the unearthed path. He lifted a few branches and pointed to a very clear footprint that hadn’t been cleared away. “But something is always left behind.”
They followed the trail until they came upon a cliff overlooking the river. Across the rushing stream was a patch of barren land in the thick of the forest that looked as if it were the remnants of a camp. Dorian’s lip curled. “Campers and hikers have restrictions. No one is supposed to go up on the mountain or this far from the paths without a guide or unless they have the proper permits.”
“Exactly,” Brock said. “Which means whoever is out there is either a wanderer or they’re someone with traceable information. I’ll talk to the rangers to see if they have a record of people with permits. They should be able to tell me who’s been active lately.”
“No one has gone missing or gotten injured on this land until these fires started.”
“It isn’t a good situation.”
Dorian pointed to a makeshift bridge that crossed the river, but it wasn’t entirely noticeable unless the observer knew what they were looking for. “That looks like a survival bridge to you?” he asked.
“That it does. You think whoever is out here is someone who knows how to live off the grid? If that’s the case, it might be impossible to track them down properly. Once they catch on that we’re onto them, they’ll relocate.”
“Then let’s work quickly.”
Dorian’s phone beeped and he ignored it until he made it back to town. He swiped the screen and then proceeded to drop his phone between his legs and onto the floor, but when he retrieved it later, he realized the text was from the agency.
DORIAN, your match would like to schedule a third date! Reply ‘YES’ to confirm your interest. JENNY has invited you to a romantic getaway and dinner beneath the stars. If you would like to reject this offer, reply ‘NO’ to this text.
In truth, he was tempted to turn down her offer, but Dorian’s foolish heart wouldn’t let him. He didn’t want to give in. Jenny had shunned him for reasons unknown, which was why he agreed to the date. Dorian owed it to himself to get answers. Besides, he wanted Jenny to look him in the eyes and see what her actions had done to him.
He didn’t prepare at all. The desert location was texted to him later that evening, which was about a two hour drive from Haden Springs. He packed the necessities and began his drive out of town, calling his friends from the road to let them know where he would be if they needed him. There was no product in his hair and his clothes were grimy from tracking in the forest all day, but she would have to deal with it.
Dorian no longer felt the urge to impress her or prove himself. Despite his better judgment, however, his anger could not stop his heart from turning over obediently when he caught sight of her beneath the radiant sun. Dorian steeled himself against the nervousness that fluttered in his aching gut and banished the warmth that spread through his chest when she smiled. She doesn’t deserve my love, he told himself.
Three weeks had gone by since they had last seen or spoke to one another and the first thing she said was, “Hey.”
Dorian didn’t respond. He stared down at his muddied boots and refused to meet her gaze just yet. His hands were clenched into fists and shoved down the front pockets of his jeans. What angered him the most was how he instantly softened at the sound of her voice and that he could smell the scent of her perfume on the wind. It was a scent that had clung to his skin for days after he left her house.
“I’m sorry, Dorian,” she said. “Nothing I can do or say will ever express to you how sorry I really am. Talk is cheap; I know that. While trying to protect myself and trying to protect you from me, I ended up hurting us both.”
He looked up then, pinning her with his gaze, letting her see the anguish that came from her selfishness. “You didn’t do it for me, so don't insult me by pretending. At the end of the day, you did it to protect your image. For all your talk about hating love and the stupid little nicknames people call you, you hate change, and letting yourself fall in love didn’t fit the role you wanted to play.”
“And what role would that be?”
“The victim,” he growled. “Jenny Owens, the woman scorned who doesn’t believe in love; the jaded woman with ice around her heart that rose above heartbreak to make something better of herself. That’s the narrative you want. It’s the one you chose.”
***
Jenny had known to expect his anger, but never hatred. The coldness in his eyes made him seem like a different person. She stepped closer to prove to herself that she wasn’t afraid of him. “I know that what I did to you was wrong, Dorian. If I could take it back, I would, but I can’t.”
“I gave you an out!” he barked, causing her to jump back. She hated seeing him like this and wanted to reach out to him, but resisted the urge. He tugged at the strands of his hair. “If you wanted to end it that night, I would have walked away and given you what you needed. But instead of doing the right thing, you played me, tested me, used me, and then you pushed me aside.”
“What I did was allow you into my heart and it scared me—”
“It made me exactly what I told myself I would never be, exactly what everyone always expected. It made me feel like nothing,” he interrupted. “So, excuse me for not caring that you were scared anymore. There was a connection between us. I opened up to you. You should have been woman enough to talk to me, but you chose the juvenile route.”
“Then why did you come? Why did you accept the invitation?”
“Because I wanted to hurt,” he said lowly. “I wanted to feel something other than numbness. Things were moving quickly, but you weren’t alone in feeling scared or overwhelmed. I was right there with you, riding the wave and hoping to come out on the other side still breathing. But you know what? I didn’t. I gave you the tools to hurt me and you used them.”
“You’re right,” Jenny sniffled. “I did. You could never hate me as much as I despise myself for icing you out. My life was consumed by you in a matter of days and thinking about losing myself to you was too much.”
“That’s what love is, Jenny. Love is letting yourself get lost so someone else can find you, someone who will protect you and care for you with everything they have. I was prepared to be that person.” Dorian walked back to his car and grabbed the bag from the trunk and slung it over his shoulder.
“So, we’re over? Forever?”
“You walked away, Jenny,” he sighed. “How can you expect me to just forgive that and open myself up to the possibility of getting hurt again?”
“Love is letting yourself get lost so that someone else can find you. Let me be that someone, Dorian. I’m here now and I’m ready to give it my all.” Jenny turned her back to him and wiped the tears from her eyes as she walked over to their small oasis that she had set up for their date. There was a wooden platform surrounded by lush plants with shelter built overhead to protect them from the sun.
Despite his fears and misgivings, Dorian’s need to stay with Jenny felt like a gravitational pull. He could not fight his need to remain in her orbit, so he sat down next to her. “What changed, Jenny?”
“I did,” she said. “It started the moment I drove into town. I just felt like Haden Springs was the place I would find out who I really was. But you’re right, I was afraid of change. I didn’t want to think that who I really was depended on how I felt for you.”
“You felt yourself changing because of me?”
Jenny nodded. “I wanted all of the things you were promising. For the first time in my life, I actually needed someone to love me for me and I was terrified of that. When I’m afraid, I’m destructive.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Dorian asked. “All the times I reached out to you and you shut me out, why didn’t you just tell me that you were trying to figure out your feelings. My reason for coming here wasn’t for an apology. I only ever wanted an explanation. So what happens now?”
“Could you ever see yourself forgiving me? Can you let me back in?”
“I called you my soulmate, Jenny...” Dorian looked over at her and there was sincerity in his blue eyes. “Soulmates don’t choose one anot
her, they’re just meant to be. And I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t started to fall in love with you.”
Jenny leaned over and asked, “Can I kiss you? I’ve thought of kissing you from the moment you stepped out of your car.”
“If I do, will you run away again?”
She shook her head. Dorian closed the distance and brushed his lips against hers, giving her permission to kiss him. And Jenny kissed him until a dam broke inside of her. “I was so stupid,” she said between kisses. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” They kissed until the tears stopped and there was nothing but newfound love between them. Neither Jenny nor Dorian had the strength to say it aloud, but it was there in every caress and every flutter of nerves.
“What are we doing all the way out here, Jenny?”
“If you tried to leave me, it would take you longer to get away and give me time to come up with a plan to abduct you,” she said, pairing it with an impassive expression that made him chuckle. Jenny kissed his chest and then lay beside him. “I’m not giving up on you again. I have to prove to you that you can let me in.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Sapphire White walked along a moonlit path through the forest. She had a little hideaway in the mountain that she visited on nights when she needed to get away. The sky was clear, allowing the stars to shine in their brilliance as the leaves on the trees rustled. She shimmied along a rock face and ducked inside of a small cavern.
On the other side was a patch of sand that allowed her to see a small but beautiful waterfall. Sapphire looked out at the landscape from up high, loving the sounds of nature as they filled her with a sense of calm. Lately her emotions had been all over the place and her argument with Jenny hadn’t helped. She knew people didn’t particularly like her; they only seemed to tolerate her presence. It was a reality of her life that she had to accept a long time ago.