by Bella Grant
“Good. You don’t need a guy like that around anyway,” I said and tilted my head back. The room started to spin a little so I closed my eyes.
“Fifi, are you sure this is the flu? Your symptoms are honestly telling me otherwise,” she said, her tone indicating what she meant.
“Lisa, I’m not pregnant. You have to have sex to get preg—” I stopped and my eyes popped open. Fuck.
“Yeah, I know how it works. You don’t need to remind me what I’m missing out on tonight.” She cocked her head and raised an eyebrow at me. “Wait, why are you staring at me like that? Have you been sneaking out behind my back? Jesus, girl, I knew you were lonely, but so soon?” she continued and folded her arms. She eyed me accusingly.
“No, it…happened before I was discharged,” I breathed and closed my eyes again. I didn’t want to see the reaction in her face after I dropped that doozy of a sentence. Especially since I hadn’t been exactly the most open person to her about what had happened during my hospital stay.
“What? Fiona, what’s going on? Are you trying to tell me you were taken advantage of in a fucking psych ward, of all places? Talk to me, Fi. My brain is going crazy over here.”
I huffed. I had to tell her the whole truth. She was my best friend, after all, and like she said, her brain would go crazy with wild assumptions if I didn’t cough it up.
“First, let’s get one thing straight. I was not taken advantage of and wanted it as badly at the time and consented,” I claimed and held up a finger at her to make my point very clear.
“Okay, I hear ya loud and clear. Now tell me who the lucky guy was! Was it with a roomie? A maniac? Oooh, was he a hoarder?” Her eyes brimmed with curiosity.
“It was with…Josh,” I said with a hint of sadness.
“Who?” she asked, frowning and confused.
“Dr. Josh Sullivan,” I stated.
Her jaw dropped, and she nearly shrieked, “Your shrink? Dr. Sullivan, your fucking shrink?”
I nodded meekly and felt my cheeks heat up. “Yes, the one and only.”
“Oh, my God, you dog! I can’t believe out of all the men who could have deflowered you, you let your damn shrink do it. Wow, just wow, and you say you weren’t taken advantage of. Are you sure? Because you know I’ll kick his ass. I don’t care if he’s the damn doctor of the century, I’ll fucking break his—”
“Lisa. Lisa, stop! No, I promise it was mutual. I wanted him too. He cares about me and…”
“Yeah, because he gets paid to care about you, dumbass. Come on, you’re smarter than that,” she scolded and crossed her arms.
“I know. I literally said the same thing to him when he kept telling me he cared about me. Honestly, Lisa. I know I haven’t been myself since my parents died, but I swear to you, I knew what I was doing. I didn’t mean to, but Lisa, I think I’m…in love with my shrink.” I laughed at how ridiculous my declaration sounded, even to me. Lisa busted out with me, and there we were, two girls in the bathroom at three in the morning, laughing harder than we had in months. It felt good to be carefree again. To go back to the good times before the accident.
“Wow, Fifi, just wow. I mean, I guess if he treats you well, then I approve. I saw how hot he was when he came in the emergency room, and I could maybe see a spark between you two, but my greatest concern at that time was getting you the help you needed and he honestly seemed like the perfect fit for you. And he was. Look at you, you’re laughing. God, I haven’t heard you laugh in ages, Fi. And don’t think I didn’t notice the way you were dressed the day I came to pick you up. I sort of figured it wasn’t for me. I’m glad you put those cute clothes to use.”
She slid down the wall next to me and stretched her legs out in front of her and put an arm around me. I still didn’t have the guts to tell her about the fight and I could feel the guilt settling in. I wasn’t ready to hash out all the messy details but Lisa wouldn’t let it go.
“So, what are you guys gonna do about the whole doctor-patient deal? He obviously can’t date his patient, right?”
I held my next breath, unsure of what to say. I had waited for her to ask the very questions I had asked myself before everything turned to shit. I wasn’t in the mood to be scolded so I played dumb to a certain extent.
“Well, here’s the thing. I’m not really sure we are doing anything about it. He moved me to another therapist but did keep himself on as my psychiatrist to oversee all my medications and progress. I see him in another week, and after that, I see him every three months for bloodwork and such,” I explained. If he apologizes. If he doesn’t I might transfer myself to another doctor.
“Are you serious? I thought you said this guy cared about you.” I thought so too.
“He does, Lisa. I mean sure, he could drop me as a patient altogether and we could see where this goes on the outside but I don’t want him to. I know that sounds selfish but I don’t want to see another shrink, Lisa. He’s so good with me. I’ve never felt safer to speak my mind now that I’ve opened up to him. I think I’m sadder that he won’t be my therapist anymore over my feelings for him because I know he feels the same way. I could see it in his eyes the day I was discharged. He was tired, like he had been up all night considering the right move. I do think he did the right thing for both of us but still I’m nervous to see that stupid Dr. Anderson or whoever he referred me to. He did give me his personal cell number for emergencies, though.” I was such a fool to fall for him. The queasiness was back, so I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment.
“When did you guys do the dirty?” she asked.
I blushed and pondered her question for a moment. “Like two weeks ago?”
Lisa heaved herself up to retrieve my phone and placed it in my hand. “I think this is an emergency, Fifi. I’ve got some spare tests in my room, but I’m pretty positive you’re pregnant,” she said as she rose and dusted off the back of her mini skirt. She looked down at me and scrunched her nose up. “And, dear God, please brush your teeth or something. You smell like four-day-old trash.”
Leave it to Lisa to tell me exactly how shitty I felt. I leaned my head back against the wall once she left, thankful she was satisfied with my answers for now. I rubbed at my belly as concern overcame me. If Lisa were right and I was pregnant, what the hell would I do? I looked down at my phone. Should I even tell him? Would he even care? Yeah he would, because if it came out he knocked up a patient, he would be stripped of his career, not to mention, his reputation.
Our one night of passion was turning into a nightmare when another realization hit me. We didn’t use protection. I was so in the moment, floating on cloud nine that it didn’t even occur to me we should have done something to prevent this from happening. I was sure he was also in the same frame of mind since the suggestion wasn’t even brought up. I covered my eyes with my hands and groaned. At least Lisa had something to be proud of. I was finally acting my age. Twenty-one. Young and stupid and making reckless decisions.
The thought of my parents popped into my head. If they were still alive, would they be proud of their little girl getting knocked up by her own doctor? The horror I felt shuddered throughout my body because I knew if they were alive today, I wouldn’t even be in this mess.
I felt the tears trickle down my cheek before I processed I was crying. I couldn’t blame it on their death. That was a horrible thing to do, and I mentally scolded myself for it. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but our own. Lisa was right. This was an emergency. No matter what, he needed to know how I felt. And if there was a baby…
Before I sunk further into my self-pity, Lisa came back with two pregnancy tests in her manicured hand. She fanned them out to me, her other hand on her hip.
“You ready to drop your panties and pee on a stick, girl?”
I tried to laugh at her attempt to make me, but all I did was launch myself over the toilet and vomit what remained of my late-night snack.
Popcorn did not taste the same coming back up.
Chapter 17
My last client for the day was escorted back to his room, and it took all I had in me not to scream at the top of my lungs. It hadn’t been the best of days. I had two new cases crammed into my already packed schedule without my agreement. Vickie gave me a guilty look when I gave her the evil eye. I had an established patient suddenly go off on me. His fists were very close to my head when Blaine busted through the door and wrangled him out. I found out later it was because he hadn’t taken his meds properly since being discharged a few months back. I had three hospital no-shows because two of them refused to see me and one was in the middle of a nap when the orderly came to get him.
“Why didn’t they want to see me?” I asked Blaine after the debacle.
“Because apparently, you aren’t giving them the full attention they need,” he explained with no accusation in his voice. I dismissed him and sat down in my chair, defeated.
I had to give it to them, they had a point. I wasn’t in the right head space to be anyone’s psychiatrist. If I allowed one person to slip under my skin and distract me so easily, how could I help others?
I looked up at the clock. It was nearing six, and the files piled high on my desk couldn’t be ignored for another minute. No one else had the magical ability to make them disappear. I huffed out of pure exhaustion and walked to the break room where there was plenty of coffee to fuel my long night ahead.
I stumbled upon a bunch of nurses flocked around Danny in the middle of the room. He was telling a story, and from the looks of it, he was enjoying his little audience. I happened to break the spell when I opened a cabinet for a cup. Once they all spun around and saw me, they immediately shifted around the room as if they weren’t all drooling over every word that fell out of his mouth.
“Good evening, Dr. Sampson. Ladies,” I greeted them and filled my cup with the dark roast pot. The nurses smiled and greeted me before they eventually filed, but not without Dan promising to fill them in later as they left. I shook my head as I watched the youngest turn around to wave at Danny. I chuckled at the sight.
“Let me guess. You were telling them the story about how you saved that little boy from getting hit by a city bus. Does that story still work?” I asked as I took a sip. The caffeine slid down my throat and the temperature alone woke me up.
“Hey now, it’s a good one. I get all the pushed-up cleavage I could ever ask for from them holding their mouths and gasping at how terrified the little boy must have been,” he stated and took a slurp of his mug that read World’s Okayest Doctor. “So what brings you in here? I don’t think I have ever seen you set foot in here after 9 a.m., especially for another cup. Are the villagers growing restless on ya?”
I snorted and took another sip. “You could say that, I guess. I had one guy almost hit me over the head with my own doctor award today. Can you believe that? Then I had two refuse to see me, and I’ve got a shit ton of cases to dictate. So I figured I should get a cup of coffee in me because I’m in for a long night,” I explained half-heartedly.
“Well, now that we’ve got the bad news out of the way, tell me the good news. How’s it going with your little vixen? Is she discharged yet? You guys seeing each other on the outside?” he jabbed at me, and I shook my head.
“I discharged her a week ago and kept her case for medication purposes. I figured Rebecca would be a better fit for her than me.” I may or may not have fucked up royally but that’s beside the point.
He looked at me in bewilderment “You what? You let her go? I thought after our little pep talk the other day you would have at least kept her around. Was she not into you or something?”
I watched as another nurse came in to fill up her own mug of coffee. She waved at us and quickly left.
“Danny, I’m not like you. I don’t know how to not feel guilty about hitting on my patients or staff,” I replied. Or sleeping with them.
“Whoa, whoa, who said I’ve been hitting on my patients?” he said seriously before he patted me on the shoulder. “Listen, Josh. I told you, you were so different when she was around. You were making mistakes like a human for once. Besides, I thought you said she didn’t want to be transferred?”
“I know but it would have been suspicious if I kept her on and you know that. The last time I kept an inpatient on full time was a year ago and it was by far a more severe case than hers. Shit, I even thought about letting her go for good but you know damn well that would have looked worse if I just dropped an inpatient altogether without them requesting or seeking out another psychiatrist. That would definitely turn heads especially since I’ve been having trouble keeping female patients on before she came along. Robert would have chewed me out regardless so I played it safe and did my usual routine.”
Danny scratched at his chin. “True, very true.”
“Man, you should have seen the face she made when I told her the treatment plan. Like I had just punched her in the gut or something.”
Another doctor came in and I stopped speaking. Danny looked at me. “Come on, let’s walk and talk.” We waved hello to the other guy and made the trek to my office. Danny leaned into me to speak. “Well, what exactly did you expect? Here’s you, this attractive young doctor giving her extra attention, and out of nowhere, he decides she isn’t worth his time anymore? I would be wounded, too, if I was a female and actually had feelings. We aren’t talking about me, though.”
We reached my office, and I let Vickie know I’d be there for the rest of the evening. Danny waved at her and complimented her appearance before I dragged him into the comfort and privacy of my office, a better place for this talk, especially when I was on the verge of telling him everything.
He sat on the couch and I sat in my office chair. My confession was on the tip of my tongue before I decided if this was a good idea. “I slept with her.”
He spat out the coffee he was drinking. “You slept with her? When? You just got done telling me—”
“It was during her admission. Right here in my office after the little pep talk you gave me,” I replied.
“Well damn, Josh, I didn’t think you would go in there all gung-ho like.”
“I didn’t mean for it to happen. I told her how I felt, and when I tried to leave, she stopped me and confessed she felt the same way. It went from there.” I rested my forehead in my hands.
“And? Was the sex good, at least?” Leave it Danny to ask that.
“I mean yeah. It was honestly the best sex I ever had. But…”
“But what?”
“She was a virgin and I didn’t use protection,” I ground out before he could interrupt me again.
“Bro, you didn't cover the stump before you humped? That’s like the number one rule to abide by when screwing your patient,” he chastised me teasingly and shook his head.
I knew he was trying to be funny, but it wasn’t funny, and when I didn’t say anything, he calmed down.
“Look, man, is the real problem here that you are worried about losing your job or losing her?” he asked seriously.
“Both,” I answered. “Both, and quite honestly, I don’t know how to choose one over the other. I’ve busted my ass to get where I am for a reason. I wanted to help people, be the best of the best when it came to my field, and then once I made it to the top, I would ride it out and make enough to retire early. Enjoy my future family. Then there’s her. Fiona. She’s beautiful, and smart, and witty. And she kicks my ass at Halo and Smash Bros. She’s genuinely a good person who had something tragic happen to her and ends up here because she couldn’t handle it well. I fell for her and then when I discharged her, she called me out. Here I was thinking time apart would help me clear my head, to give us a moment to breathe, but it only made things worse. I can’t stop thinking about her, Danny. I’ve tried, and I keep getting distracted because I miss her. I miss her voice, her laugh, the way she beat me in Halo. Everything. And now I have to make a choice? Fuck and what about Fiona? She likes me back sure but she also likes me as her doctor. I worry I’ve ruined my
trust with her,” I leaned back in my chair and ran my hands through my hair.
A few minutes passed before either one of us spoke.
“Sounds like you need a drink,” Danny said and I chuckled. The tension that was building around us eased a bit thanks to his humor. He continued. “Well, from where I’m sitting, there is really only one choice. Look around you. You have succeeded. You are Doctor of the Year, and it doesn’t get any better than that, my friend. Sure, you can pile on your case load and be the one everyone goes to for help or advice. Then what happens to your own life? You said it yourself, you want to retire early and focus on raising a family. How are you gonna do that if you don’t even have a family?”
I waited for him to say more but realized he was waiting for me to answer. I sat for a minute to let everything he said soak in. Because I knew he was right. It was everything I had mulled over for the past week or so, over and over in my head.
If Fiona forgave me, and if I could convince her to stop seeing me as her doctor, I could focus on starting something new, and we could be together without any obstacles. Though I would miss this place, it wasn’t like I couldn’t keep tabs on people like Danny and Vickie. As for my patients, if any of them wished to follow me, I could easily arrange it. I could have a new beginning, a new office, maybe one with a better view.
I looked at Danny, and he smirked and got up. “As cheesy as it sounds, and from one shrink to another, follow your heart if you want to do what’s right.”