by Caisey Quinn
She swallowed the pain, a familiar habit where he was involved, and turned to him. “If you don’t want me to visit, I won’t. I just said that to make her happy.”
He blinked, something akin to pain flashing in his eyes. “You look like her. Like Grace. But you are so very much like me, Stella Jo.”
Her brows rose practically to her hairline. “I am?”
“Strong. Prone to putting the needs of others before your own. I can’t say it’s an easy life to lead.”
“I’m sorry that I…” she trailed off. Was she sorry she’d been born? Maybe before Van. Before knowing what it felt like to be truly alive. But having experienced that level of pain and pleasure and need, she couldn’t force herself to regret it.
“Don’t.” Her father shook his head as he opened her car door. “I failed you. Don’t be sorry for one second. For anything.”
She breathed him in, the man who smelled of work and worry and regret. “I’m not sorry I’m alive. And I’m not sorry that you’re my daddy. You might have ignored me most of my life, but you love her.” She nodded towards where her mother stood in the doorway. Reaching up on her tiptoes, she kissed him gingerly on the cheek. The first contact with him she could remember. “Thank you.”
“For what?” His flabbergasted expression would’ve made her laugh in any other situation.
“For giving me life. And for showing me what real love looks like.”
Leaving him staggered in the driveway, Stella Jo got into her vehicle and pointed it towards Dallas. Towards her future.
It was the middle of the night, but pulling up at the Second Chance Ranch felt a lot more like going home than actually going home had.
Stella’s feelings had run the gamut on her drive home. Angry, betrayed, hurt, pissed, sad, shocked. Her music preferences had provided the soundtrack to her emotional journey. Heavy metal, alternative rock, country. She wasn’t a genre-specific girl. She liked all kinds of music, the movement of it, the various beat and the passion behind it, but it was always the words that got to her. The lyrics. If a song had even one line that touched her in a place she’d thought was hidden, a place she’d once believed only she possessed, it stayed on.
She finally plugged her phone into the auxiliary outlet and just listened to the Hostage for Ransom album she’d downloaded. His voice comforted her, sang her the rest of the way home.
When the tear-filled drive from her parents’ house to Dallas ended, her heart landed in limbo. Wrecked and ravaged, it remained listlessly between a state of perpetual sadness for the mother she never knew—the one who’d ultimately lost her life because she’d felt she had nowhere to go—and hopefulness. Because she’d decided to ask her parents not to sell the ranch. She had plans for it.
As much as the unveiled truths had stung in sensitive spots she’d never known existed, they had also shown her something she would’ve struggled to believe otherwise.
Van loved her. And she loved him. What they had was more than lust and more than sexual gratification. It was deeper and sturdier than she’d realized, and at the moment, he was all she could think about.
She practically flew on two legs to his door, unable to wait for him to do the wonderfully exhilarating things he did to her. She had pain and anguish and heartbreak to work out, and she wanted to work it out with him inside her, giving her immeasurable pleasure. Giving her him.
Van glared at the alarm clock on his nightstand. It was a few minutes shy of four o’clock in the morning. So why in the actual fuck was someone knocking on his door?
Judging from what Jesse Ramirez had said, it was likely they were there to toss his ass out.
He stumbled to the door, pulling it open and preparing to bitch out whoever had woken him.
Stella stood on his doorstep, looking both beautiful and exhausted.
“What’d the doctor say?” The question burst from his lips instead of a greeting. Wasn’t really all that surprising since it had been beating his brain to death since the moment he’d heard she’d gone to see one.
She smirked. “He said lay off the rough sex for a while before we break me.”
It was obvious from her demeanor that she’d meant it in jest. She was joking. But the truth was that he’d already figured out the same thing. He would inevitably hurt her, like Jesse had so helpfully pointed out. He only had a few weeks left here. Then he’d return to his life. Meanwhile she wouldn’t have much of one to return to if they kept this up.
“She’s risking a hell of a lot being with you.”
The veterinarian’s words rang in his ears. No shit. And he already knew he wasn’t worth the risk. What was he going to do? Pop back into rehab every time he needed a rough fuck? Drag her off into the world of groupies and drugs and his insanity?
“I’m kidding,” she said, eyeing him warily. “Well, mostly. But I missed you. And I was hoping we could—”
“Hoping we could what, cowgirl? Fuck really quick on my floor a few more times before I check out?”
She recoiled, flinching back with a mask of wounded shock on her beautiful face. The hurt in her eyes shot him like daggers to the chest.
“Yeah, Van. I’m big on risking everything for quick fucks on floors. Congratulations. It was your turn to take a shot. Guess I’ll move on to the next contestant.”
He nodded, forcing himself to pretend to agree. “Good idea. I’ll do the same. I’m pretty sure there’s a blonde around here somewhere who’s been waiting in the wings behind you.”
A shudder jerked her shoulders visibly forward. The sharp intake of breath to replace the one he’d obviously stolen was audible. His words had caused her physical pain. He hadn’t meant to take it that far. There had to be a better way to end it than this. She’d just caught him unprepared in the middle of the night.
“Dammit. Wait.” He reached for her arm but she backed out of reach, glaring at him as if she’d finally realized what a horrific son of a bitch he actually was.
“No, you’re right.” Her eyes lifted to the night sky and she shook her head as if she expected it to fall down around her. “I don’t know what I was thinking. God, I’m so stupid. I mistook this for something completely different.” She stared at him like he was a stranger, making what looked like a valiant effort not to cry. He watched her wounds turn rancid, transforming pain to anger. “Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. Hope you enjoyed your vacation from your demanding life as a poor, pitiful rock star.”
Now it was his turn to wince. That shit hurt. She knew why he was here, what had led him to this.
“Oh, I did. Very much, thank you.” He leaned on his doorframe for support as she ran from him, dragging his beaten, bloody heart behind her.
He wanted to chase after her. But it was better this way. For her at least.
Miranda had given her two armfuls of work to keep her busy. And made her promise to come out for drinks soon. She knew she looked like hell.
She hadn’t slept or eaten much at all. She just kept replaying his words, the dead stare in his eyes, the brutality in his voice. Her brain was stuck in an endless loop, replaying her last interaction with Van Ransom.
She settled in at her desk, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand—transcribing documentation for more recorded therapy sessions. She had to listen to the first few seconds of each recording to find out the patient’s name, date, and session number so she could place it in the right spot on the digital record. It was pretty tedious, but needed to be done. After over an hour of organizing the recorded sessions, she was starting to fade. Until Miranda’s monotone voice on the recording said his name.
“Session number thirteen for client Vander Ames Ransom. Client Alias: John Walker.”
As Miranda read the date, Stella’s heart faltered then sped in her chest until she felt like it had relocated itself to her temples.
Okay, Stella. That’s all you needed to hear. Tag the file and save it to the list. Then move on.
But she waited, listened to Miran
da greet him and ask him how he was feeling. She asked all the same questions on the checklist. She wondered how many times a day he got asked those questions. No wonder he’d found alternate ways to answer them for her.
His deep voice was low. Haunted. It filled her headphones, but it might as well have been filling the room. It raked over her, dragging her down into the memories of his warmth and weight pressing onto her, into her. Her arms ached to wrap around him, to hold him as he released the heavy burdens he carried inside her.
“Mr. Walker, as we discussed in our previous session, you hear things. Hear the sounds from your childhood and of that day coming back to you. Can you expand on that for me a bit?”
“I’m not sure what there is to expand on. My sister was abused. I couldn’t protect her. She killed herself.”
Killed herself? Stella clamped a hand over her mouth at his admission. She didn’t want it to be true. It hurt so badly, especially after what she’d said. She’d known his sister was dead, but this was agony, hearing his sweet strained voice reliving the details. She listened as he continued his solemn story.
“When I’m sober, certain things trigger the memory of her body being pulled from the river. Sometimes a roadie will drop a piece of equipment and I’ll remember the way the chains sounded clanking together as they lowered them into the water. Gears grind backstage, and I see them pulling her out. Or the silence gets too loud, like it did as soon as I saw her bruised, bloated body lying in the grass.”
Stella’s hands itched to rip the headphones out of her ears, but his voice was magnetic, pulling her in. He detailed more memories of trying to save his sister, the many ways he’d tried to find her after they were separated, and Stella folded into herself. He hadn’t told her she’d committed suicide—or that he’d had to watch them pull her body out of the water.
“So when the music doesn’t drown it out, I get drunk. Or high. Or whatever works. But it got out of control. When I’d start to come down, the noises would be worse, the visions clearer. So I’d do more, more of whatever the hell I was doing at the time. Long story short, I nearly OD’d a time or two. So now I’m here.”
Once the recording ended, she tore the headphones from her ears and held her head with both hands. She was disgusted with herself. A sob wrenched itself from the depths of her stomach, from her soul it seemed.
“Hope you enjoyed your vacation from your demanding life as a poor, pitiful rock star.”
How could she have said that to him? She’d been raw and vulnerable. Weak and wounded from the encounter with her parents. She was a damaged human being. There was no doubt about that. But that was no excuse. She’d known enough to know that this wasn’t a vacation for him. Known details of the visceral pain and brutal past that had led him here. To her.
Miranda had told her. He was fighting a much bloodier battle than anyone else here.
Maybe he didn’t feel for her the way she felt about him. She’d obviously mistaken lust for love. But she was a grown woman. That was her fault and not something she should’ve taken out on him. Even if he had already moved on to fucking her least favorite nurse.
Stella rubbed her side, her ribcage still sore and stinging from what she’d done the night before.
For whatever reason, their paths had been meant to cross, meant to intersect. And even though the way he’d ended it had been a crushing blow to her only recently discovered soul, it was worth it. She wouldn’t erase the memories of every single second they’d shared for anything.
She had no idea how she would’ve handled the life-altering confession from her parents without the strength he’d given her to hold on to. She might’ve offed herself just to end the internal chaos and confusion, to keep from dealing with the truths that didn’t fit in her previously compartmentalized life.
That was a terrifying thought, much like standing over a gaping abyss.
The woman she’d been before him might not have been strong enough to even process it. So she owed him an apology for the awful things she’d said to him. And a thank you for giving her something she would cherish for the rest of her life. The ability to open herself up to her emotions—to feeling and loving, to hurting and healing.
She stood and exited her office. Heading to Van’s residence, she prayed that if he had moved on to his next conquest, she wouldn’t walk in on the middle of it.
He recognized her knock. The damn woman had come knocking enough times that he’d memorized it. Fuck.
The urge to get loaded and screw someone else had taunted him all night. He was fucking famous. It would take one phone call to get him out of here. But he’d stayed. Because leaving her even a second before he had to felt like a death sentence. The next time he got high would probably be the last.
“You really do enjoy pain and punishment, don’t you, sweetheart?” He forced a sneer onto his face as he opened the door.
“More than you know, Mr. Walker.” Her eyes held a challenge his dick rose to meet. Christ.
“That what you’re here for? Or did we skip an answer on my survey again?”
“No,” she began, stepping around him. “I’m here because I was at home last weekend, listening to my sordid life story being told to me by complete strangers. And the only person I wanted to be there was you.” She paused as if waiting for her words to sink in. “And because I wanted to thank you. For showing me how to feel.”
Her words, so much like his after his first ‘breakthrough,’ as Dr. McLendon called it, hit him directly in the heart. She’d needed him. For more than just screwing her senseless. Wanted him to be a part of her real life.
“You’re welcome,” was all he could manage to get out.
She sighed, meeting his eyes with remorse in hers. “And I’m sorry for what I said. I know you’re not here on vacation.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I was angry and I lashed out. I thought what we had was…more than it actually was. It h-hurt to find out that I was wrong—that it wasn’t the same for you. But that’s no excuse. And I hope you can forgive me.”
“Forgive you?” He’d pummeled her heart to hell and back on purpose and she was here to apologize to him? Her eyes were filling with tears that somehow had a direct effect on his ability to swallow. He couldn’t seem to locate the part of him that had been certain letting her go was the best plan.
“For saying something so hurtful. I never should’ve—” She sniffled, turning from him. He moved without meaning to, blocking her exit.
“I see. And what we had, what did you think it was, exactly?” He couldn’t help himself, the need to hear the words in her mouth—even if it ruined them both—was overpowering.
Her body—the body that he’d seen bare and on display for him—went rigid. Her eyes narrowed. “I was wrong, whatever I thought. It doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me,” he admitted.
Stella’s glistening green eyes met his. “You lied about the blonde.”
Van schooled his face to remain emotionless. “Did I?”
“I can tell by the way you’re looking at me. You don’t really want her. You never looked at her like you’re still looking at me.”
He forced a shrug. “So I lied. People are talking. Jesse told me his dad asked him to keep an eye on us.”
Stella’s eyes widened, but they still held the same determined stare. “So let them talk. If they’d caught us, I would’ve left. I needed you more than I needed this job.”
“No. Don’t. I don’t want that. I don’t want this.”
She winced. Lying to her tied him in knots and pulled them tight enough to snap. His resolve was already fraying at the edges.
“You’re afraid,” she whispered. “I see it now.”
“No idea what you’re talking about.”
She reached out and touched his face. His plan to push her away disintegrated at her touch. “Of caring. Of hurting. Of causing me pain.”
“Actually I thoroughly enjoy that last part.”
“It won’
t work.” Her hands drifted down his body, sparks of desire flaring beneath his flesh everywhere she touched. The way she watched him—as if she were seeing him for the first time—stripped him bare.
“What won’t work?”
“Trying to keep me out. I’m in, Van. I’m all in. You’re it for me.”
“Don’t say that.” He yanked out of her grasp. “You can do so much better. Christ. Go find yourself a doctor or lawyer or some shit. That white knight’s out there somewhere, cowgirl. Hop on your horse and go get him.”
She shook her head, his words seemingly bouncing off her. “People lie, Van. They let you down, they disappear, and when fate decides to be exceptionally cruel, they die. But it’s the truths we hide when we’re alive that hurt us both the most. Don’t pretend you’re doing me a favor by pushing me away. You’re not.”
She reached for him again and he couldn’t make himself deny her. His head dipped to rest on hers.
“For so long, I’ve been so afraid. Maybe for my entire life. I’ve been afraid to feel—afraid to let people in where they can hurt me. But I can’t keep you out. You’re in, Van. And you can break, wreck, and ruin me. I’ll only beg for more.”
“I don’t want that,” he whispered. “I don’t want to hurt you like that. Jesus. I just want to—”
“Protect me?” Her imploring gaze met his once more. “Take care of me? Do what’s best for me? Even if it nearly destroys you in the process?”
He swallowed hard and nodded. “Yeah.”
Her face broke into the most beautiful smile he’d ever seen. On anyone. “That’s more than enough for me.” She threaded her fingers behind his neck.
“Dammit, woman.” He tried to back up, but her hands gripped him tightly. He wanted to grab her and shake her. His brand of love was not good enough for her. He couldn’t begin to imagine why she thought it was.
“Stop resisting me, Mr. Ransom. I’m not going anywhere.”