by Susan Berran
“The dog didn’t do it to itself Abbey!” was their final argument.
But me and Jared weren’t so sure. Naturally Crabby thought that somehow me and Jared had done it, typical! Some of the other girls’ pets were going weird too. Mad Magda’s hamster is afraid of its running wheel so her dad thinks she must have scared it horribly. Tia’s goldfish is swimming upside down, so her parents won’t stop bugging her to admit that she’s fed it a ping-pong ball or something. And someone keeps pinching Moon’s parents’ jewellery and hiding it in her budgies’ cage. So naturally they reckon she’s doing it for attention. Dopey Sophie’s pigeons are hooting right through the night and keeping her parents awake. But she hadn’t realised that wasn’t normal until one of the other girls explained it to her.
I guess that’s why we call her Dopey. By the time the bell rang Crabby had convinced all the other girls that it just had to be the work of me and Jared. So now they were going to follow us around until they could get the proof.
Good luck with that.
It was a similar story with the guys. TOFFEE THOMAS was certain it was his cat that had shredded his little sister’s dolls clothes. But it was him that got the blame because there were doll dresses under his pillow. But me and Jared know TOFFEE plays with dolls so they were probably his anyway. Wheezy’s rat was eating every shoelace in their house and Wheezy had even caught him red-pawed in his father’s wardrobe. But of course his dad told him not to blame a poor little innocent rodent that was locked in a cage all day. And that if he needed all those laces for some project, then he just had to ask in future. Ratty’s pet lizard kept disappearing from his tank and reappearing in different cupboards. He reckons his mum is on the verge of a nervous breakdown because every time she opens a drawer … it leaps at her, she opens a cupboard . . . it leaps at her. Yesterday she went to the fridge for something and there it was, staring and hissing right at her. Then it leapt onto her face and ran up through her hair. His mum went absolutely BERSERK at him. Yelling something about how he’d be sending his own mother off to a mental asylum.
“ I didn’t do it! ” was all Ratty kept repeating to the other guys.
After school that day we took off FASTER than usual. We wanted to get a good head start so that no one would see us heading for our hideout, especially the girls. We had to be sure to give them the slip, so we headed straight towards the boys’ toilets. We knew they wouldn’t go anywhere near there. While they were waiting for us to come out the front, we’d already nicked off out the back window. Running off through the long grass to where we’d hidden our bikes earlier.
Once safely inside our hideout, we CHALKED up all the information that we had so far. Some of the pets had been caught red-handed, well, red-pawed, we knew that for certain. And while some of the others hadn’t been caught yet, all fins and paws pointed to that it was the animals getting the kids into trouble … and not the other way around. But why?
They all had only one thing in common. All the pets had come from the same crummy old store and all the parents had gone in there for something else. But then they’d all been somehow talked into the pet they came home with, by a tall French guy in overalls who couldn’t speak English and wore glasses and a cheap wig!
But why would cute, cuddly, spoilt pets that get to lie around all day and have their food slopped out right in front of them, purposely want to get their owners into trouble? Pinching cheap jewellery, nicking chockies, pooping indoors and giving themselves haircuts.
If it was them … then why?
“Maybe the pet shop guy is really an international jewel thief and hypnotist. Maybe he has mind control over all the animals and he’s getting them to steal for him,” Jared declared.
Yeah that made sense … IF HE'S A COMPLETE IDIOT!
“Maybe the animals are really aliens. Stranded here and trying to find fuel to get back to their home planet,” I said to Jared.
“Yeah . . . and they’re doing things on purpose to get us into trouble,” Jared added. “That’s it!!” I shouted, spitting droplets of saliva all over Jared.
“They’re doing things on purpose to get us into trouble!” I announced, feeling rather pleased with myself.
“ Wow Sam, you’re really smart. But why would they want to get their main food and toy supplier into trouble?”
Jared had a good point. Which was really unusual for him. I started to wonder if he’d actually been kidnapped by the ALIEN pets.
Maybe they’d replaced him with some super intelligent ROBOT CLONE. But there wasn’t time to check out what colour his blood was, or if he had any at all. We had snooping to do and we needed some awesome gear to do it.
And we had just the gear.
Sliding the heavy plank off the crate, we each took out our totally wicked and AWESOME, one-of-a-kind utility belts and laid them out before us. If we weren’t working on our pooper-shooters or skate ramps, we were working on our utility belts.
Gear check:
Mini-Pellet-pooper-shooter; check, tested and passed…
Extendo Rod with fully retractable almost invisible rope; check … tested and passed … This was my most prized and wickedly AWESOME tool. I’d got it ages ago from my dad.
It was actually one of those telescopic fishing rods that winds itself in with the push of a button. The line is so strong that on one of our trips to the city, I had to lasso an escaped, stampeding circus elephant to save the one-legged, blind, orphan children who were crossing an eight-lane freeway in an electrical rainstorm.
Of course I didn’t want to make a big deal about it.
“ Oh BULL!! ” said Ratty .
“Yes, it was a male elephant,” I replied as I walked away smiling.
Mini-Single-Barrel-Sling-Shot; check … tested and passed … Crabby Abbey should not have bought her Barbie camping stuff to school that day. With the elastic braces from Booga’s pants, Barbie’s hammock and my brilliant design, we could fling water bombs a mile.
And equal best of all … is my one-of-a-kind genuine Bulravian Secret Spy Camera; check … tested and passed …
It’s also a really good idea to wash out the can thoroughly first.
When Jared used his camera for the first time, he put it up to his mouth to secretly take a photo and got a gob full of ants. He was spitting, yelling and dancing around. Yanking his tongue out as far as he could with one hand and trying to swat them off it with the other. No one could understand him for a week because his tongue was so SWOLLEN from all the bites.
We’ve got heaps of other really cool stuff in our utility belts too, so we were ready to rock. We clipped on our incredibly AWESOME phantasmagorical utility belts and set about making our plan; to find out if the pets were actually ALIENS, or if they were all just going mental.
That night back at home, we kept in touch by WALKIE-TALKIE. We were going to keep each other awake all night if we had to. When Fluff Butt or the guinea pigs made a move, we’d be ready to catch them in the act. Best of all we’d have the photos to prove it.
“Jared, you there?” I whispered into the WALKIE-TALKIE.
“Yeah I’m wide awake. What about you?” came the reply.
“Yep! This’ll be easy,” I muttered as I sat back and rested my eyes for just a second.
Scratch scratch … scratch scratch!
“What was that?!!” I said with a jump.
I didn’t nod off; I was just resting my eyes. Yeah, just resting my eyes for six hours. “Jared, come in … Jared where are you?” He must have fallen asleep, TYPICAL. Couldn’t he stay awake just one night?
I slipped out of bed and onto my belly down on the floor. With the camera in one hand and a torch in the other, I started to slide along the bedroom floor towards the noise. Someone or something was shuffling about in the lounge room.
oowWw! Carpet burn on the chest. I wish I’d put my pj top on, that really stings. The noise was getting louder. It sounded like cupboard doors and stuff being shuffled and moved about. Whatever it was, it had
moved into the kitchen. It had to be Fluff Butt! Out the bedroom door and onto the bare floorboards of the hallway. I slithered along, inching closer and closer to the kitchen door … ouch oucH ouCh!! Splinters … it felt like someone was slowly poking hot javelins under my skin and into my chest and toes. But I had to keep going, I was so close. I poked my head just around the corner, I could see something … something fuzzy moving about. Stretching my arms out in front of me, I dragged my body along the floor between the chairs and under the kitchen table. I strained my neck to get a glimpse around the cupboard island. It was too dark. Pots and pans were being moved about, utensils were scattered across the floor. I could just make out shapes of food from the fridge sitting on the counter. I slowly raised the torch and pointed it at the fuzzball as I got ready to leap up and catch her in the act. My finger began to depress the torch button … ready … set … g BEEP … BEEP … BEEP … BEEP … ! ! ! went the morning alarm.
Slam!! CRASH!! BANG!!
Before the torch finished turning on, the fuzzball had dashed across the room and out the door. Leaving a trail of destruction from pots and containers and other stuff bouncing about all over the floor. I began to jump to my feet to chase the culprit when … WHAAMMMM!! “Aarrhhh!!!”
I whacked my head on the table getting up. The culprit was gone and as I shone the torch about the room, I saw that the kitchen had been transformed into a complete disaster area. It was time to retreat, fast . Back to the safety of my room so Mum wouldn’t think that I had anything to do with this war zone … Flick!
Sam!! … What have you done!!
Too late … the light came on and there stood Mum with her eyes burning straight through me. A single spoon was still slowly spinning on the floor and Fluff Butt was nowhere to be seen.
I guess this is where I sit down calmly with Mum and quietly explain how the town’s parents have all been suckered into getting pets for their kids. Pets that are really ALIENS or EVIL or something. And we believe they have been put here, for some reason, to get us kids into trouble. And that I was just about to get the proof we needed on Fluff Butt when she’d walked in …
Yeah … that would work … when the moon turns to pavlova and I can fly up to it. It took the next two hours to clean up the kitchen. Of course I didn’t need breakfast, because as Mum put it …
“You’ve already pigged out and had enough junk food to fill a garbage truck.” This was getting serious. If I didn’t stop Fluff Butt soon, I was going to spend the rest of my life grounded and cleaning up after a poopy pooch.
The entire time I was cleaning the kitchen, Fluff Butt was strutting around with this grin on her face. I could just tell that she’d planned the whole thing. By the time I’d finished, I was ready to turn that dog into fluffy white slippers.
I slammed the bedroom door behind me and buried my face into my pillow. “Sam … Sam … come in!” crackled over the WALKIE-TALKIE. It was Jared and he sounded pretty weird, weirder than usual. Before I could even blurt out what Fluff Butt had done, Jared was pouring out how he’d woken up to Ying and Yang, the guinea pigs. He’d caught them sprinkling crumbs and Fruit Loops all over his bed. The next second they were gone and his mum was bursting through the door, raving about how his midnight feasts had to stop.
We arranged to meet at the hideout as soon as we could. So convincing Mum I’d be doing homework in my room for the next couple of hours, I chucked my utility belt into a backpack and slung it over my shoulder. Then as carefully and quietly as possible, I slid out my bedroom window and landed in the dust below. I was just about to leap onto my bike and take-off when … “Bark Bark Bark … Bark Bark Bark!!”
“Ssshhh!!”
“Bark Bark Bark!!”
“Fluff Butt … shut up!!” I tried to yell in a desperate whisper.
“What … is someone there?” THUMP, THUMP, THMP . . . screamed Mum from inside. OH GREAT! I could hear the thumping footsteps of Mum coming down the hallway and heading for the back door. I could always tell just how cranky Mum was by the loudness of her footsteps; and boy, she was coming down that hallway like a charging rhinoceros wearing concrete shoes.
Great! Now I couldn’t even leave the house without Fluff Butt dobbing me in. I had to get back inside, fast! Grabbing my bike, I thrust it up against the wall right beneath my bedroom window …
“Bark Bark Bark!!”
“What is it?!” THUMP, THUMP, THMP . . .
I took a flying leap and stepped up onto the bike seat as I grabbed for my bedroom window ledge.
“Bark Bark Bark!!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming!! ” THUMP, THUMP, THMP . . .
My fingers only just got hold of the lip of the window sill as my foot slipped off the bike seat and jammed straight down between the wheel spokes. Huge chunks of skin were ripped away from my shin instantly …
“Bark Bark Bark!!” Fluff Butt stood at the back door and didn’t draw a breath as the footsteps of Mum got louder and closer. And with every second that passed, my fate was becoming more and more gloomy. With every thin layer of skin on my fingertips, I held onto that ledge. At the same time, I was trying to find the grooves between the wooden boards with the toes of my one free foot.
The dog wouldn’t stop barking …
Mum didn’t stop yelling … the whole time stomping towards the back door.
I managed to haul the top half of my body up and over the window sill and into my bedroom … the skin had scraped off my toes and been left on the boards. I felt the liquid of my own BLOOD running across my foot. My bike was now dangling just above the ground, being held by my other leg still wedged tightly between the spokes. As I latched on to the bedhead with both hands, I tried to shake the bike free but it wouldn’t budge.
“Bark Bark Bark!!”
“Shuddup!!! THUMP, THUMP, THMP . . . … One way or another, I was going to get that dog. I reckon I was about twelve seconds away from extinction … my hands were starting to slip. They were sweating like a polar bear’s armpit in a sauna. I summoned up the last of my strength and heaved. As my butt reached the window sill, I twisted around, grabbed the handlebars, yanked the front wheel sideways and fell backwards onto the floor of my room. Pulling my bike in through the window to land on top of me.
Whammm!!! The back door slammed against the wall of the house.
What is it? screamed Mum, ready to kick the dog into orbit.
And as I lay on my bedroom floor in agony, with my body bleeding and entangled in my bike … I knew one thing for sure … Fluff Butt would pay for this!
School was even more unbearable than usual. Crabby Abbey and her cronies were following me and Jared absolutely everywhere.
Wow … they were Sooo good at spying that we didn’t know they were following us at all . . . YEAH RIGHT! They were prancing along from tree to tree like ice-skating extremely overweight elephants. And every time we stopped or turned around, Dopey Sophie would say in her quietest loud voice …
“Did they see us?” followed very swiftly with a slap on the arm from Mad Magda. The others would all instantly start looking around in different directions but Crabby just rolled her eyes annoyingly and stared straight at us. But they weren’t the only ones. The guys were giving us the cold shoulder too, not that we really cared.
By the time the bell went that morning, we had a pretty good idea that all of the kids had a crAPPy weekend caused by their pets. How could we prove it had nothing to do with us? It was pretty obvious that we were OUTLAWS, wanted for crimes we hadn’t committed, guilty without a trial, framed without a picture, blamed without a cause, damned with no … Well you get the idea! “Morning class!” came the deep, solid, booming voice of Mrs Duckson.
“Good morning Mrs Duckson,” we all replied in our not-so-happy-weekend chorus.Then, with her eyes darting between Jared and me, Mrs Duckson stood right in front of us. She stared straight at us as if she was trying to drill right through our skulls. Without blinking, she locked one eye on both Jared and me … at the s
ame time … which looked really GROSS, like her eyeballs were doing the splits. Then she told the class how over the weekend someone had got into her office and shredded every single end of term test.
As she continued, I could feel the beads of sweat starting to run down my forehead. The veins in Mrs Duckson’s wide, square neck were visibly throbbing as she told us how the local policeman had been called. But there were no broken windows or damaged door. Nothing at all other than the completely shredded test papers, which would of course mean that our tests would have to be postponed. Then, as she added how this would be such a lucky coincidence for some, the sweat ran into my eyes and stung like crazy. They instantly began to SWELL up and turn red, filling with tears of PAIN. Mrs Duckson leaned in towards me. And with the smell of sardines and onions on her breath, she told us how the culprit, or culprits, would be caught quickly and they’d be in more TROUBLE than a blind echidna in a balloon factory. She then turned and went back to sit at her desk. But as she did, she leaned over and produced a stand from the floor behind it. Placing the stand on the desk, she stepped back to reveal a large pink and grey bird. Mrs Duckson then introduced her new friend to the class …