I satisfy myself with this for a few minutes. I feel her arms tighten, pulling her body closer to mine. Without pushing, I gently run my tongue against her lips, seeking entrance. She parts hers and I slowly slip in between her luscious berry lips for what may be the softest, most sensual kiss of my life. Her taste is unlike anything I have ever known. It’s this indescribable combination of cinnamon and sweet.
I have a hunger to know more than just her secrets. I want to devour her. I want to lay her back and kiss her all over, spending hours, days, months uncovering who this woman is. Layer by layer, reaching until I find the core of who she is. I need to feel her body against mine in as many ways as possible.
When we pull apart, her eyes blink open and look at me before her trembling hand touches her mouth.
I feel her body shake against me from a combination of the cold air around us and what I think might be fear of the unknown. And I realize quickly why.
Her first real date.
Her first real kiss.
If I have my way, I’ll be her first everything.
Hell, I’ll be her only.
15
Cassidy
Caleb and I make our way back to his car, his arm holding me close to his side.
Between the conversation and my shoes, I feel a little wobbly. I must look a wreck.
I hope high-end sports cars come with mirrors. Otherwise, I’m going to resemble an extra in a horror film walking into Molly Darcy’s. When I say as much to Caleb, he squeezes my shoulder. “You know we don’t have to go if you don’t feel like it,” he offers.
What do I want?
I need a drink. I want to dance. I have to stop living in the past and feel alive.
“I think this conversation definitely put some negatives on the date point scale, Harvard.”
When we reach the side of the Porsche, Caleb wraps me in his thick arms again. Dropping a kiss on the top of my head, he says, “Still keeping score, huh?” he teases lightly.
“I expect someone who looks like you would have some game. So far, all I’ve got is dinner and rehashing of my past which, for the record, makes me want to regurgitate said dinner.”
“Let’s not forget about our kiss, Cassidy,” his dark voice says. I love how he claims it as ours. His eyes gleam at mine through the darkness at the lake. “I would think a kiss that sweet would definitely put me ahead for the night.”
My heartbeat accelerates as I squirm a little, thinking of our kiss. My first kiss. Yeah, that definitely put him ahead.
He’s so close to my body, he can feel my body shift and he laughs. Yeah, I don’t think so. Reaching up, I see the surprise in his eyes a moment before I bring my lips to his.
This kiss is shorter, but ratchets up the adrenaline in my system. When I end it, his breathing is as uneven as mine. I turn around to open the car door. “Now we’re even. Time to re-up your date game, Lockwood.”
As the door closes behind me, I hear his low laugh. I quickly pull the visor down and thankfully find a mirror. I check out my makeup before reaching for my purse. It’s not as horrible as I thought. I briefly wonder as Caleb slides into the driver’s seat if my sisters put all the waterproof and sweat proof crap on me because they knew I was going to completely lose my shit, or because they figured it would get hot in the bar like they’d said. Either way, all I end up doing is touch up my gloss and dust my face with a touch of powder.
“Ready?” Caleb asks. After I buckle myself in, my eyes meet his and a small smile crosses my lips. After putting the car in gear, he reaches for my hand and we drive off into the cold, fall night.
As we make the quick trip from Lake Kenosia to Molly Darcy’s, we listen to The Fray’s “Over My Head.” It’s apt for my mood. I always wondered what it would feel like for someone outside of the family to know everything. Well, not everything, but to explain how I, Cassidy Freeman, came to be.
I think I’m still a bit heady with the idea that who I am, who I really am, was accepted. I know Jason accepted Phil, so there are people out there who aren’t completely judgmental. But with women, there is a stigma, a humiliation that keeps us silent with fear. Because even if we are young when rape happens to us, somehow, we ask for it.
No one does.
Ever.
I was lucky to have the right people help me work through my issues so I didn’t devolve into the animal I was bred to become. I cannot fathom what would have happened to my soul if Phil and I hadn’t ended up with Em and her aunt.
I’ve worked with Matt. I’ve read the books. I know I have a healthy dose of PTSD, mixed with OCD and anxiety. Throw in my self-abhorrence and it’s a Molotov cocktail waiting to explode within the confines of a relationship.
Over the last few years, I’ve realized part of me will always be that helpless girl, but I’ll never be her again. I’m stronger than the people who brutalized me, making what happened to me something that doesn’t dictate who I am day-to-day, that lives within me, but doesn’t define my life. I can put on a smiling face to the world and hide my past hell. As scared as I am about certain areas of my life, when I open that door to my past, I expected men to go running.
I may have been a victim, but I’m no longer anybody’s victim. I refuse to let myself be categorized, defined, or give up any more of my life by giving my past the power to control me.
Somehow, Caleb listened to what I had to say and saw that. He can’t possibly understand it, but by not walking away, he made me stronger. He held my face in his hands and stared into my eyes. And there I saw my pain reflected, but there was no revulsion. No disgust.
And that kiss.
Holy mother of God, that kiss.
Right now, I think I feel like people do when they’re told they’ve won the lottery; dizzy, out of sorts, and a bubble of happiness just ready to pop.
I’m a realist. Things may or may not work out with Caleb.
But forever, I will love him for this moment when I actually believe the words my family had been telling me for years about the woman I am.
Strong. Confident. Resilient. Beautiful.
As we park in Molly Darcy’s overflow lot, Caleb turns off the car and turns his body to face me. “How are you doing, Pixie?” he asks quietly.
Despite the use of his somewhat annoying and somewhat cute nickname for me, I give him an honest answer. “I’m processing. It’s not a story I tell, ever. I sure as hell never expected to tell it on my first date.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
I sigh audibly. I brought all of my demons to the forefront of my mind. He knows this, and he knows I did it in part to brace him for what being with me would be like. What he doesn’t realize yet is that they haven’t ever really left that space. He can’t shelter me from them, especially not when I sleep.
“Just don’t lie to me, Caleb. If it gets to be too much, knowing about me and what I was, be honest with me. That’s all I ask.”
“Right now, I can’t imagine a scenario where that would ever be a possibility.” His response is immediate.
His phone beeps. Cursing, he reaches between us for it. “It’s Ry. He said they have a booth toward the back near the dance floor. Are you ready?”
Am I ready?
Yes. Yes, I am.
I nod, and after a quick squeeze of my fingers, he says, “Wait here,” and jumps out of the car. Jogging quickly around to my side, he swings the door open and reaches over the low-slung door for my hand. “Ready for part two, Ms. Freeman?”
“Part three, Mr. Lockwood,” I say without thinking.
His eyes search mine, incredulously.
“Just because something is a difficult mess, doesn’t mean you won’t find something beautiful in it,” I say softly, reaching up to touch his lips. “I like to remind myself of that. It gives me hope.”
His eyes flare at my meaning. He reaches up with his hand, captures my fingers against his mouth while he kisses them hard.
“You’re right, Pixie. Part three. S
hall we?”
“Lead on.”
We walk into Molly Darcy’s and hear the blare of country music over the speakers.
I’m pretty certain the sound system is having a traumatic breakdown.
I remember Caleb saying something about this being a wedding reception. I raise up on my toes and he leans down. “Were we supposed to bring a gift?” I say loudly into his ear.
“No,” he assures. “The couple asked for donations to Danbury’s Pediatric Cancer Ward in lieu of gifts. Ry took care of the donation for all of us.”
“I need to settle up with him then for my part.”
He rolls his eyes at me.
“You do realize if I ask you out at some point, Caleb, I’m going to expect to pay.”
“I’ll just have to ask first then, won’t I?”
I smile, pulling my poncho over my head. After draping it over my arm, Caleb’s arm immediately circles my waist. I lean into his embrace, my head resting against his upper chest. His arm tightens. I find him smiling down at me, his eyes burning into mine. “Do you see your brother?”
After staring at me another moment, his eyes scan the room. His eyes catch on something and he starts cursing under his breath. “Yeah, I do.”
At this point, I’m cursing my height as I bob and weave while Caleb keeps his hold on me. “What is it?”
“Keene is standing at our table too.”
“Your best friend?” He nods, even as his eyes flash in displeasure. “You don’t seem too thrilled.”
“He’s very black and white, Cassidy, where things are in the right or wrong column. With the life he’s lived, things that have happened to him, I don’t understand living that way, but I understand him being that way. What we have between us…” He trails off, while I mentally love the idea that he used the term us. “He just can’t place it in the right column yet, so therefore it’s wrong. I imagine he’s going to be a dick.”
I scoff. “Please. I deal with those daily. Remember why y’all hired me?”
Caleb turns me toward him and cups my face. “That’s business. Just don’t take anything he says to heart, Pixie. What matters is right here.”
I tuck his words close to my heart as he leans down and brushes his nose against mine. “I’d kiss you, but those sounds you make when you do are for me alone to hear, Cassidy,” he murmurs. At my sharp intake of breath, he smiles. I can feel his breath against my mouth and I lean in a little. “Uh-uh. Not here, sweet Pixie. Later.”
Smiling, he grabs my hand and starts to weave through the bar area. A few moments later, we stop by the booths lining the dance floor. No sign of his friend Keene, only Ryan and Jared who are making all kinds of comments about where we’ve been for the last hour and a half.
Dismissing his brother by giving him the finger, Caleb manages to snag the waitress as she passes. Looking at me, he asks what I want to drink.
“Jameson, neat,” I tell the harried woman. I’m certain she never expected her beloved Irish bar to turn into a country honky-tonk.
She turns to Caleb. “Bowmore.” Ryan lifts an amber colored, half-filled tumbler to his lips with a twitch of amusement.
Of course. Men and their beloved whisky.
The harried waitress scurries away.
“So,” Ryan starts. Jared shakes his head.
“Shut it,” Caleb replies mildly. His arm goes around the back of the booth, his fingers quickly becoming tangled in my hair. Between our coats to my right, I’m pressed up tight next to Caleb’s hard body. I can’t complain about our proximity to one another.
I look up and find his eyes on me already. I subconsciously lick my lips and his eyes dart down to them. He smiles, I smile back, and I hear Ry and Jared thank the waitress for delivering our drinks in the background.
“Well, well, well,” a dark voice booms, interrupting our moment.
“Keene,” Caleb says on a sigh. Turning to face his best friend, he reaches for my hand under the lip of the table. I easily let him have it. When I look around Caleb, imagine my shock when I recognize the face.
“Going to introduce me, buddy?”
“Do I have to?” Caleb mutters under his breath. I squeeze his hand to let him know it’s okay, and now it is. Caleb has no idea, but now I have an ace when it comes to dealing with his friend.
I slip on my business mask and reach for my drink. Jared catches my eye and nods approvingly, while Ryan winks surreptitiously. Reaching around Caleb, I introduce myself. “Cassidy Freeman.” I hold out my hand.
“Keene Marshall. I work with Caleb at Hudson Investigative Services.” He searches my face for some kind of reaction as he pumps my hand once, twice before allowing it to drop. Is that the name of Caleb’s company? Interesting. I’ll have to ask him about it later. Keene’s dark green eyes are searching mine.
I hear, literally hear, Caleb’s teeth click together as he clenches them against Keene’s monochromatic thinking.
“That sounds like an interesting line of work, Keene. I imagine y’all have quite an interesting job.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” I reach for my drink, take a sip of the Jameson's from the crystal tumbler and set it back on the table, my eyes never leaving Keene’s.
I wonder if Keene remembers me too when he asks, “Have we met before? There’s something so familiar about you.” As he leans his body against the back of the booth where Ryan and Jared are seated, he faces Caleb and I like we’re his adversaries in a courtroom.
I merely raise a brow. It’s not good to give away too much too soon.
“So, did Caleb mention he had our company run a search on yours before he asked you out?”
While Ryan and Jared gasp in shock and outrage, I keep my expression in check and shrug, my shirt shifting silkily on my shoulder. While Caleb didn’t specifically mention it, I’m not terribly surprised. Many of our higher end clients do. “No, he didn’t. Was he supposed to? Did he have a to-do list from his work husband he had to mark off by telling me, Keene?” I hear Ryan choke on his drink.
He leans forward on the table, a complete power maneuver. “You don’t think it’s a morally ethical line you crossed, Ms. Freeman? Agreeing to go on a date with someone you’re working for? Someone whose company investigated you?” His eyes are daring me to argue with him.
Ryan jumps in at this point. “Jesus, Keene. It was a business check. Cassidy has the right to make her own personal choices. Lay the fuck off.”
Caleb is coiled like a snake right beside me, ready to strike at any second. Time to dispatch of the supercilious man before me in a way that’s less bloody than what I think Caleb intends.
I reach for my drink. “Now that you bring up moral ethics, Keene, I can appreciate your point of view.”
Keene starts to smile, while Caleb, Ryan and Jared’s heads all turn toward me so fast, I think they may suffer from whiplash. I continue to look Keene directly in the eyes and lean forward over Caleb’s legs. His hand automatically drops from my hair to my waist. My hand pats his leg, telling him I’ve got this.
“At least Caleb hasn’t fucked someone he did a business background investigation on, has he?” Take that and choke on it, you sanctimonious shit.
“Neither have I, Ms. Freeman,” Keene tosses back.
So arrogant. So cocky. Such an asshole. So completely wrong.
“Are you so sure?” I taunt. “By the way, has the tattoo on your thigh healed well?”
Keene’s jaw opens slightly, and all the men are now staring at me. Finally breaking eye contact, I reach for my purse and pull out my cell phone, going to the photo app. When I start scrolling through the pictures, everyone at the table goes silent.
I pull up a picture of Ali and I from Phil and Jason’s wedding last summer and slide my phone across the table. “Maybe you remember me from entertaining my sister Alison at the Plaza in the city over the summer? Or have you fucked enough women that one more is just like another?”
Keene reaches for the phone, and I
dispassionately watch him look at the picture of me and my knockout sister and swallow. Hard. He places the phone carefully on the table and lets out a breath. “What you don’t realize is that we were sharing a suite that weekend at the Plaza. Next time, you might want to have a care in how loud you are for the other occupants of the hotel.” I pick up the phone and smile at my sister’s image before placing it back in my purse.
I raise my eyes to meet Keene’s shocked ones. I could not be more delighted with his reaction and I quietly think to myself, thank you Ali for keeping me up all night screaming with this asshole.
“When y’all were done and you left that morning—or would that be you snuck out—you didn’t exactly have your pants on. I was in the sitting room and saw your tattoo on your thigh. By the redness of it, I could only assume it was new or infected. So again, has the tattoo healed well? Maybe you’d like to tell me more about who Riley is?” I lean forward with my chin on my hand. His eyes flash with some unreadable emotion.
Keene still hasn’t said a word, his body frozen by what I’ve revealed. I feel Caleb’s arm squeeze around me so tight, that if I wasn’t taking shallow breaths to control my anger, I likely wouldn’t be able to breathe. I deliver the kill shot.
“So, who had the moral fuck up first, Keene?”
Keene looks at me for another moment, then at Caleb before turning and walking into the crowd without turning back. Silence reigns around the table.
My eyes go to Jared first, his holding admiration. Ryan’s eyes show that too, as well as shock. I turn my head to Caleb’s and almost clock him, his face is so close. He leans down to my ear. “I have to know after our conversation earlier, how much you can take of me being blunt right now.”
I tilt my head slightly, wanting to get the lay of the land. Is he pissed I just laid out his best friend like that?
I turn my face toward his and see heat, but not the angry kind.
“I think I can take it,” I murmur back, taking a sip of my drink.
Free to Dream Page 14