Not enough.
She knows so much about who I am, what I do, what I want to become.
A great brother.
A good friend.
And, someday, a beloved husband and father.
But the things I need to tell her, I can’t bring myself to say.
It’s bad enough I referenced her family pact that first night I stayed at her house. Thank God she never realized she’d never told me about it.
Since then, I’ve almost slipped any number of times when she’s opened up about her past.
I’ve almost told her the man who she thinks is her father is still in prison.
I know the address of the building where she was once kept.
I know of all the Freemans. Emily is the only one who kept her real name.
How do I tell her I know all of this without shattering what we’re building?
Every night, she curls into my arms and I keep her nightmares away.
What if I’m setting her up for new ones?
25
Cassidy
I’m lying in bed, pressed up against Caleb’s chest when Morpheus decides to pay me a visit instead of one of his wicked brothers.
I walk silently across the grass. My dress is white, with a delicate lace over it that skims past my knees. There’s some invisible pull guiding me toward the gazebo in the distance when I hear voices and laughter, and when I turn to hear the sound, I stop in delight.
A red balloon appears and floats upward toward the bluest of blue skies.
Chubby little hands grab for the balloon.
The determination of the little girl is evident. This time it won’t get away. Her dark curls bounce around her head as she reaches and stretches.
I can’t see her face.
A woman with long, dark hair is standing next to a man holding a camera. A man taking pictures of this adorable child. I’ve come across a family photo shoot. I pause, marveling at the child’s blooming beauty.
The woman, sensing they’re no longer alone, turns and smiles at me. It’s brilliant, welcoming. Then, I watch as it fades into sadness.
I’ve can’t place her, but she’s so familiar. I just wish I could erase her sadness.
I smile back, content to just observe. I come back so often to this park and to this beautiful family, enjoying their happiness in each other.
The woman is talking to the photographer as she captures the balloon before it flies away. I watch as she ties it around the little girl’s wrist, gives her a kiss on her face and strokes the side of her cheek before stepping away.
The love she holds in her heart for her child is undeniable. Visible. I can feel it, a mother’s love.
I can’t move. I’m watching the little girl with wonder as she bounces her balloon up and down a few times. She’s laughing as it hits her in the face once.
She giggles. The sound echoes in my heart.
Small arms wrap around the little girl from behind. It’s a little boy. I imagine he’s promising to tell her stories of fairy tales of princes rescuing princesses when they get home.
I bask in the love emanating from the scene that has unfolded in front of me. It’s like the warmest rays of the sun kissing along your skin after you step out from a damp room, heating any chill in your bones from within.
I can’t help but envy the people in front of me.
The woman’s face morphs and her expression changes to despair. Tears cascade down her cheeks. She turns away from the photographer and stares directly at me.
She walks up to me and I can’t catch my breath. Suddenly, her hand lifts to my face, trying to brush away my tears.
I don’t even realize I’m crying.
Suddenly, I hear my name.
Cassidy.
“Cassidy! Cassidy, baby, wake up. Are you all right?” Caleb is leaning over me, looking worried, wiping the tears away from my face.
“Yes. No. I’m not really sure,” I answer honestly.
“A nightmare?”
I shake my head slowly. “I don’t think so. I just don’t know what it was. It’s happened a few times, but not with this much clarity.”
He rubs his thumb over the apple of my cheek. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I nod against his hand. “Later. We need more sleep. We both have a big day tomorrow.”
“Come here, baby.” Caleb tucks me against his chest and I wrap my arms around his heavily muscled torso, resting my head against his heartbeat. The sound drags me back under, into the realm of sleep.
“Don’t let go,” I murmur.
“Never,” he vows, squeezing tighter.
26
Cassidy
It’s the Saturday after Halloween and Collyer is a sunburst of fall colors. If I had time or inclination to look out my window, I’d likely witness the Collyer seniors scrubbing frantically to remove Halloween paint from our bay windows. Each year, Collyer businesses offer up their windows in a silent auction for parents to bid on as part of a fundraiser. Each year, the highest bid for each storefront is matched by that business. All the money went toward the senior class to offset the cost of their senior prom.
For the last few weeks, as I’ve been leaving the office, there’s been no less than ten of Collyer’s seniors on our porch, making our ancient Victorian eerily creepy. It’s also screwing with our ability to concentrate on our jobs. Ali’s said it’s been fortunate we’ve had a run of high-end Halloween events. Otherwise, it might scare off the customers. She did this with a blinding smile, knowing I’ve been traumatized over some of the Halloween costumes. There are just things you can’t unsee.
Caleb’s been nothing but amazing. He’s listened to me rant when I’ve gotten home to the farm, dished up dinner I’ve prepared in a crock pot (because his cooking skills still haven’t improved much), and ran out to Baskin Robbins on the night I called him in shock because the costume optional wording on an invite meant if you weren’t wearing one, then clothing was also optional.
As we get closer to the wedding, he ends up spending more and more nights with me, unless there are a couple of days together I can head into the city. It’s just too much when I could have an event ending at ten one night and a meeting starting at nine the next morning. I told him to feel free to use my home office for whatever he needs so he isn’t sacrificing his work hours, since I’m either on-site or at the office late.
I know intellectually that when his brother’s wedding is over, my schedule is going to lighten somewhat, but if the boom Ali is predicting occurs, we’re going to have to consider hiring some of our interns as full-time employees. Either that, or we’re going to have to get a lot more selective about the jobs we take. That doesn’t leave a pleasant taste in my mouth. We built this company by taking on the smaller jobs other people wouldn’t. I need to figure out a way keep those clients and still let go of some of the control of micromanaging everything.
I’m tapping my pen against my planner, waiting for inspiration to strike when I hear a disgruntled voice in my doorway. “You don’t look that busy. I don’t see why you couldn’t go get your own lunch, or send one of those kids loitering on the porch.”
I turn my eyes away from the planner and spreadsheets I was reviewing and meet the cool green eyes of Keene Marshall. “Well, this is a surprise. No, a shock. What are you doing here, Keene?”
He walks in, carrying a familiar bag from Genoa. Raising it, he doesn’t answer directly. “Where do you want this?”
My lips quirk at the idea of Caleb chose choosing to use Keene as his errand boy for lunch. “I’ll take it to put in the kitchen. Thank you.” I reach for the bag, but he holds it out of reach.
“I’m under orders to ensure you eat, Cassidy. So, if that occurs in the kitchen, then let’s go,” Keene advises before turning to step out of my office. The tantalizing smells of Genoa waif behind him.
Damn, I really don’t have time for this. Sighing, I stand up and meet him in the hall.
As we’re walking down the stairs, Ke
ene mentions offhandedly, “I can understand why he’s concerned.”
“Hmm? What do you mean?”
“Caleb. You’ve lost weight since I last saw you, and you didn’t have any to lose.” Keene runs an assessing glance over me from top to bottom that draws my eyebrows down. I frown at him, uncomfortable, and continue to make my way to Corinna’s domain, the kitchen.
When I walk in and find Holly, Phil, and Ali sitting around a couple of open boxes of pizza, I realize Caleb hadn’t just been thinking about me. My heart warms and spasms at how much he takes care of me, even amid his own responsibilities. “So, we had a lunch delivery.” I sidle up to the counter and gesture for Keene to take a seat.
Holly smiles. “Be sure to thank Caleb properly for us, Cass.” A round of agreement goes up from my siblings.
Keene mutters, “I’m not sure I want to hear this.”
I frown, and Phil and Ali narrow their eyes before ignoring him, and return to their lunch and banter, not in that order.
Taking a bite of my Chicken Russian, I decide to ignore Keene. “Will do. We should thank Keene too for carting it all out here.
“If Genoa delivered this far out, I’d have to run six miles each day,” Ali moans as she reaches for another slice of pizza.
“You can run my miles for me, sister,” Phil is quick to offer. “In fact, starting tonight. You know you want to.”
We all laugh at the face Ali makes at Phil. Keene’s lips even tip up, I note.
Corinna spins around with a gloriously decorated cake and says to Phil, “If you run your miles, you can have a slice of the leftovers of this. Otherwise, you have to wait until the night of the wedding.”
Phil practically salivates. “That’s the Lockwood-Dalton tasting cake. Sweet Jesus, Corinna, that is beautiful. What flavors did they end up choosing?”
Corinna waves her frosting spatula near his lips. “Dark chocolate with ganache filling, alternating with lemon and a lemon curd. Topped by a lovely white chocolate icing.” She stands back and moves toward the sink. “But, since you don’t want to run and just want pizza…” Her voice trails off.
Phil stands up and stalks toward the sink. “Give me that spatula.”
Corinna, no one’s fool, “Maybe I’ll save it for Em. She ran this morning.”
“Em is not the one who raised you from the time you were sixteen. Hand it over.” Phil is a white chocolate addict.
Ali has her head thrown back, laughing. She’s in a tight-fitting suit that sets off her eyes and long legs. I glance quickly to my left and see Keene’s focus is entirely locked on her. Hmm. Something to think about later.
Holly, who normally remains so unobtrusive, says, “You know we only have a few more minutes for lunch, and I think I would like to eat and not take pictures of Phil’s continued entertainment value or the rising tension in the room. Can we just finish eating so Cassidy can mother-hen us and we can all get back to work?” I catch Holly’s eye as she winks. She hasn’t missed a thing behind her camera’s eye.
Keene’s attention turns to me. “Mother-hen?” He sounds amused.
Corinna pipes in. “Oh, totally. Even if Phil was the one who tried to adopt us, Cassidy was the one who was our “Mommy” while they finished raising us.”
I jump in with a gentle, “Corinna, I’m not sure Keene’s interested in our complicated history. He just came by to drop off lunch.”
Corinna waves me off; not a shy bone in that girl. “Listen, if Caleb’s going to be around, Keene’s going to know eventually, right?”
I open and close my mouth like a guppy, turning to Ali beseechingly for help. Her face serious, she glares at Keene for a few moments before shrugging.
“Then I get to tell it, Corinna.” Phil wipes his mouth. Taking a drink of his soda, he leans against the counter. His eyes brook no argument and I relax. Corinna—for all her enthusiasm about life I wouldn’t tamper for anything—believes the world is her best friend. Phil takes a deep breath and gives Keene a very edited version of our early years.
“I met Cassidy when I was thirteen and she was nine. Both of us in horrific living situations, we escaped them together. A few months later, we met Em and her aunt who were a gift from God. They took us in until I was eighteen, and Cass and Em weren’t quite sixteen before she passed away. Instead of letting the girls go into foster care, Cass, Em, and I battled the lovely state of South Carolina for about a half a year until the girls’ case could be heard to declare them as emancipated minors. When I was twenty, and Cass and Em were eighteen, we met Ali, Corinna, and Holly, who were all just about to turn sixteen. They’d been removed from their homes and had no desire to return. They also decided to go the emancipation route. All the girls and I moved to Connecticut to begin our lives free from the past.” He takes a deep breath and I smile softly at him. A million memories pass between us in an instant. “So, that’s how I ended up with five very annoying sisters, Keene. One of whom still won’t give me the white chocolate spatula.”
Corinna shakes her hair and hands him the coveted spatula. He pulls her close and kisses the top of her head. “Now, get that cake out of my face before you have to make a new one.”
A burst of laughter comes out around the room. Keene shakes his head and attacks his salad.
Em strolls in and says, “What’d I miss? And it had better not be the pizza. I’m already ready to go out and hose off the Collyer senior class making Windex squeaking sounds every time I get into a sketch.”
“We really do appreciate you bringing lunch by, Keene,” I remark as we’re climbing the stairs back to my office. I’m not quite sure why he’s following me back up, but I can tell he has something on his mind.
“It wasn’t any trouble, Cassidy. I had business in the area, and Caleb asked me for a favor,” he replies easily. Stepping slightly past my door, he waits for me to precede him into the office. “Do you prefer this open or closed?”
“Open, thank you.” I’m not comfortable enough with Keene to have a closed-door conversation. Despite the slight warming during lunch, he’s still not one of my favorite people. I’m so grateful Phil stepped in to give our very edited family history because I can only imagine what Corinna would have shared. I drop into my chair behind my desk and contemplate the mounds of work ahead of me.
Keene sits down in one of my chairs and steeples his hands in front of his mouth. I can tell he’s thinking, so I finally decide to break the silence to move him along.
“Don’t you have somewhere you have to be, Keene? I actually hate to be rude, but I have quite a bit of work to get through today.”
He leans forward, elbows resting on his knees. “What happened to you, Cassidy?”
That’s what he wants to ask? The fucking audacity. “None of your damned business, Keene. Now get out.” I stand, despite my knees shaking in anger. I only hope my voice isn’t betraying me.
“What happened to take you away from your family? You have to have one. Don’t you remember anything?” he asks, ignoring my anger.
“I want you to leave,” I whisper. Now my shaking is transforming from anger to something different. Something buried and painful.
“You don’t remember anything about how you got there? Did you ever want to find out?” He pushes harder.
“You need to go. Now.” I try to make my voice stronger, more commanding.
“Did they ever try hypnosis techniques to get you past the block you have up from before you were four?” he persists.
“Yes! They did all of that, Keene!” I finally shout. “The working theory is what I left behind was either so bad I can’t let my mind go back there, or it was so good I’m ashamed to. Is that what you want to know?” I’m breathing hard. Tears start to fall from my eyes and I turn away and sob. Heart-wrenching sobs. I’m so lost in my tears, I don’t hear the angry voices behind me throwing Keene out my office.
I’m not sure how much time passes. The next thing I’m aware of are footsteps behind me and a hand laid on my shoulde
r. I tense, ready to scream when I hear in a heartbroken voice, “Baby.”
I fly around and there’s Caleb. I launch myself into his arms, mumbling, “He had no right…” into his chest.
I feel Caleb’s arms tighten around me and he whispers, “I know, baby. I’ll deal with it when we get home.”
Bending down, he catches me under the knees and carries me out of the office. I vaguely hear him ask one of my siblings to get my phone and purse, and dropping it by the house later.
Right now, I was going home.
27
Caleb
If Keene was standing in front of me right now, I probably would have ended a lifelong friendship, a business partnership, and shot him with his own gun.
Instead, I have him offering quiet apologies while I have my woman sitting outside, wrapped in a blanket, looking at the water.
“What were you possibly thinking, Keene? Isn’t there a fucking law term for this shit? Asked and answered?” I rail at him relentlessly.
“You’re right, Caleb. I was wrong to keep pushing. There’s nothing to excuse what I did to Cassidy earlier.” His calm voice makes me wish I could reach out and plant my fist in his face.
“You weren’t just wrong to push. You were wrong to ask in the first place,” I spit out.
“I was only trying to determine if she got the proper care, Caleb. Based on the life she had before, it was questionable whether mental health care would be included,” he calmly tries to explain.
“You’re not the one who’ll have to listen to her damn nightmares tonight, asshole,” I rasp out. I hear his sharp intake of breath. Yeah, put that in your perfect world of black and white and spit out some logical analysis. “For all our sakes, can we go back to what you should have learned in Kindergarten? If you can’t find something nice to say to my woman, don’t say anything at all? Better yet, just stay away from Cassidy until she’s ready to see you. And if something comes up because of the wedding, we’ll figure it out.” I’m suddenly exhausted. Out the window, Cassidy pulls up her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. She’s rocking herself.
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