Julian looked at me like he’d never seen anyone with ESP before. “How did you know that?”
Yes, how did I know that? I thought fast, something which was becoming a survival strategy these days. “I sink I see sign at terminal in Seattle explain dis.”
“Oh. Well, let’s wait for everyone else to get off before we do. Then we’ll be the first ones back on.”
We waited a few minutes before heading downstairs and stepping off the boat. We stood in the cool, crisp air at the top of the plank until all the cars, bicyclists, and passengers had disembarked. Though there was no chilly wind to contend with anymore, I suddenly found myself shaking with cold, the side effects of standing on deck for the past half hour.
Julian pulled me into a delicious, warm hug. “What do you say? Want to freeze on the deck some more or get the best seats in the house for the ride back and stay warm?”
“No to freeze. Yes to warm and seats,” I said.
“You got it.”
We stood like that until the reboard announcement, and Julian led me to the far end of the boat. We came upon several rows of large, comfortable, vinyl seats facing a huge window looking out at the water. Since we were the first ones aboard, we had our choice, so we snagged two seats in the middle of the front row. We sunk down and got cozy for the ride back, the dim fluorescent lighting making me feel tired and relaxed.
As the ferry started up and began its trip back across the bay, Julian held my hand comfortably while we talked about everything from our respective dysfunctional families to our favorite music. The more Julian talked, the more I realized we had a million things in common. It was downright eerie. Julian was a world traveler. I wanted to be a world traveler (and was one for as much as he knew). Julian was a sugar freak. I was a sugar freak. Julian liked music. I liked music. Okay, I realize that last one wasn’t a huge coincidence. I mean, who doesn’t like music? But here’s the thing—he was into all kinds of really obscure world music, something I had already gathered from the night I’d heard him deejay. And what do you know, I, too, had my own random musical tastes, some of which are international. For instance, we both loved cellist Yo-Yo Ma, and he’s kind of international. What are the chances?
“Tell me something about yourself that I would never guess,” Julian said. “I told you about my, how shall we say, awkward stage in elementary school when I was a lisp-talking, four-eyed freak with bad hair. I want to hear one of your stories.”
As I thought about his question, I looked out the giant window in front of me. We were moving steadily across the bay, and the city, a beacon of tall buildings lit up against the now foggy night sky, was growing larger with each passing minute. I wasn’t quite ready to break into a rousing rendition of “Born in the U.S.A.” and ’fess up, but there was one story I had to tell Julian if he was to really know who I was.
“My mom vas a, how you say, beauty queen ven she was young.”
“You mean she was in beauty pageants?”
I nodded. “Yes. And she vant me to be in pageants, too. Zis is somesing I do not vish to do. But ven I was little girl, she make me do many pageants. I hate zees pageants. Every time I say no to zem, but she keep putting me in. Zen, one pageant I had to do a, I sink za vord is talent, yeah?”
“Yeah, right. A lot of those pageants have talent competitions,” Julian said. I could tell he was intrigued. “So, what was your talent?”
“I supposed to sing and dance,” I said. I couldn’t believe I was actually telling him this story. Every little agonizing detail was still so clear in my mind, it might as well have happened yesterday. My yellow sequined leotard. My sparkly baton. The cheesy prerecorded music that was meant to accompany my rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York.” The way I opened my mouth to sing but nothing came out. The painful prompting from my mom offstage: “Come on Janna … sing!” The uncomfortable laughter that spread through the audience, apparently comprising heartless grown-ups who found paralyzing stage fright in a seven-year-old the height of entertainment.
“‘New York, New York’ in sequins with a baton?” Julian laughed. “I would have freaked out too!”
I was caught off guard by his laughter. Not many people knew this story, and the few who did, like Molly and Emmett, knew what a traumatizing memory it was. As a result, they tended to skirt around any and every discussion having to do with pageants, stages, performance anxiety, and the like. They knew my deepest insecurities, like the one that made me believe I was destined to continually fall flat on my face, were rooted in this one little pageant. Or, as my mom now refers to it, the pageant whose name shall not be spoken.
Julian must have noticed the pain in my eyes and realized as soon as he’d laughed that I didn’t actually find it funny.
“Hey, I’m sorry, Janna. I didn’t mean to laugh. I didn’t realize it still upset you so much. Forgive me?”
I suddenly realized how ridiculous I must have seemed, making such a big deal out of something that had happened such a long time ago. I looked at Julian and immediately knew he wasn’t trying to make me feel bad. So I decided I was okay with the fact that he found humor in my story. In fact, I didn’t even feel offended.
“I sink zis is why I so shy and cautious.” As soon as I said it, it struck me that I was describing a person Julian didn’t actually know.
“You? I’m sorry, but did you or did you not do karaoke with me last week? I’d say whatever stage fright problems you’ve had in the past are no longer an issue, wouldn’t you?”
Could Julian be right about me? I had noticed that when I was being Janna Ika Ilka, I seemed to have a different way of looking at the world. But I was pretty sure the real me was still in there somewhere, lugging around all that unattractive baggage.
“And anyway, I wouldn’t exactly call moving halfway around the world to be an exchange student a cautious move. In fact, I think it’s pretty ballsy.”
I shrugged my shoulders in agreement. I didn’t feel like protesting, especially since he obviously saw me as someone I wasn’t. No need to disappoint him tonight. Tonight, I just wanted to relish in Julian, relish in us. We both turned back toward the window again, and I leaned my head against his shoulder as he lightly caressed my hand. The last minutes of the boat ride passed by all too quickly. I was tired—exhausted, really—but I didn’t want the night to end. Everything about it was so perfect, so magical.
We got off the ferry and started making our way back up to where the car was parked. With no ferry to catch, we slowed down our pace and held hands, peeking in store windows and talking about all the things we wanted to do together before I left Seattle. Despite the fact that I wasn’t actually going anywhere, I almost felt a longing for the city, the need to experience adventures with Julian here before it was too late.
We were about halfway back to the car when the clouds we’d seen earlier made true on their promise and the rain started coming down.
“Here, come with me,” Julian said. He pulled me over toward a corner deli and opened the door.
“Vat are vee doing?”
“It’s raining out. I don’t want you to get soaked.”
“Oh, zee rain? No, no, it ees fine.” But it was too late. Julian had already spotted the umbrellas and was pulling out his wallet.
A minute later we walked out of the deli and Julian opened up the umbrella. We huddled under it together, the perfect excuse to get close.
“But I sot people from Seattle no use umbrellas?” I asked him.
“Well, you’re not from Seattle. And I certainly can’t expect you to get all wet since I’m the one who dragged you down here in the first place.”
I looked down and smiled. We walked for a while in silence, watching our feet take steps in unison, listening to the sound of the rain hitting the sidewalks. I started longing for the night we’d just spent together all over again. Typical me—missing something before it was even gone.
We made it back to the car and headed over to Molly’s, arrivin
g there fifteen minutes later. We pulled in the driveway and Julian turned off the ignition, unstrapped his seat belt, and turned to face me.
“I had an amazing time, Janna. Really. I think that was maybe the best time I’ve ever had going out with a girl.” Damn. Did he know what he did to me when he looked at me with those gorgeous eyes?
“Me too.” Coming from me, that probably didn’t mean much, since I’d only been on, like, three dates. But he didn’t need to know that.
“Listen. I know you’re going back to Hungary soon. But I want to hang out with you as much as I can before that,” he said. “I also wanted to talk to you about my prom.”
My heart raced. Was he going to ask me to prom?
“I wish I could ask you to be my date, but I’m working the prom as the deejay. I agreed to do it before I met you. I just wanted you to know that I’m not not asking you because I don’t want you there. I was hoping we could meet up for the after party when I’m off duty.”
“Zat sounds great.”
Julian leaned in and put his hand under my chin to lift my face toward his, giving me one final fireworks-worthy kiss for the night.
“Sank you for tonight. I have wonderful time,” I said after the kiss, my face in an obvious state of perma-grin. I got out of the car and started up the walkway to Molly’s house. I turned around one last time as Julian rolled down his window.
“Viszlát!” Julian said.
I laughed and waved. I wasn’t the only one doing my homework. As Julian pulled away, I ran around back and quietly turned the handle of Molly’s door, trying to rein in my joy and excitement so I didn’t scream and wake everyone up the second I walked in the house. I couldn’t wait to tell Molly about everything: the kisses, the ferry, the prom after party. Who could have known when I walked into her bedroom a minute later that I wouldn’t be getting the welcome home party I’d been expecting?
“Where were you?!” Molly half whispered, half shouted when she realized I was home. I had walked into Molly’s room a second earlier and was surprised to find her lightly sleeping in bed. In fact, I was surprised she was even home at all.
“Why? What time is it?” I had no clue as to how late it was.
“Why didn’t you answer your phone?” she demanded angrily. “I tried calling you all night and you never picked up!”
“I’m sorry. I must have had my ringer turned off. Why? What happened?”
Molly sat up and flipped on the lamp by her bed. She looked like hell. Even accounting for the fact that I’d just woken her up, her hair was disheveled and her eye makeup was all smudged like she’d been crying.
“What happened to you? Are you okay?” I asked. Overly dramatic or not, Molly looked more upset than I’d seen her in a long time.
“Spence is an asshole,” she said.
“Why? What did he do?”
“He played me. Totally played me.”
“What do you mean? Molly, tell me what’s going on,” I said.
She grabbed a tissue and blew her nose, then crumpled it up and tossed it in the general direction of the trash can across the room. I pulled up a pillow and gave her my undivided attention.
“So, he takes me to this party, right? It was in Madison Park at this really cool house. And it was totally packed. And I didn’t know anyone, so of course I assumed Spence would be with me the whole time. I mean, he couldn’t keep his hands off me tonight, right?”
“Yeah, I noticed.”
“Anyway, so then he starts acting, I don’t know … different. He would be all over me one second and the next he would totally ignore me and act like he was too cool to be seen with me. And then a minute later he’d be kissing me, and then he’d ignore me again. So I was like, what’s going on with you? You bring me to this party with you and now you’re being all weird? That’s when I noticed this redheaded chick. I could totally tell by the way she was eyeing Spence that she was into him. And then I started to notice that the only time Spence would kiss me and be all affectionate was when this redhead came into the room. The second she was gone, he’d stop.”
Hmmm. The problem was starting to become clear.
“So, finally I was like, who is that girl? And he told me it was nobody, just some girl from his school. And then, like a half hour later, I went to go to the bathroom, but there was a really long line, so halfway through I decided I could hold it, so I went back to find Spence. He was making out with the redhead! Like, full-on making out!”
Yikes.
“What, so he was just using you to make this other girl jealous?”
“Yeah. Can you believe he did this to me? Anyway, I kind of freaked out and just had to get out of there. So I just grabbed my purse and ran out of the party. I tried calling you a bunch of times. I was going to come pick you up, but you didn’t even answer your phone, so I had to come home all by myself with no one to talk to.”
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Molly,” I said with empathy. “What a total jerk!” I had a feeling Spence was sketchy but never would have guessed he’d pull such a lame move. “Did he know that you saw him?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure he figured it out when I never came back from the bathroom. I feel so humiliated! That redheaded chick can have him!”
“Wow. I still can’t believe he did that to you.”
“Well, at least now you can be done with this whole stupid foreign-exchange-student act.”
I looked at Molly in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“What do you mean what do I mean? You’re the one who wanted to stop doing this whole charade, anyway. So now you can end it. I mean, it’s not like we’re going to see them again after what happened tonight.”
My confusion was starting to bleed over into annoyance. “Wait a minute. What does what happened between you and Spence have to do with me and Julian?” I asked.
Molly laughed at me in disbelief. “Are you serious? They’re, like, best friends! What … are you saying you want to keep seeing Julian after what Spence did to me?”
This was not at all how I’d hoped to be ending my night, but the conversation had gone too far to turn back now. Yes, I knew my act couldn’t last forever, but I wasn’t quite ready to throw in the scarf yet. I liked being Janna Ika Ilka. And she definitely had way more fun than I did. Whatever complications might lie down the road, I didn’t want to give her up until I knew where things were headed with Julian. And I especially wasn’t going to do it just because Molly was bullying me.
“I just don’t understand what my relationship with Julian has to do with you and Spence! They’re two totally different people! Julian isn’t like Spence at all … he’s actually a really great guy.”
“I’m sorry, did you say your relationship? So now you’re in a relationship with Julian? How can you possibly be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a clue about who you really are?”
Ouch.
“There’s really nothing to talk about, Janna. It all boils down to loyalty. If you’re on my side, you can’t be on Julian’s side. It’s that simple,” Molly said coolly.
Molly had just found my last button and pushed it with all her might. “Loyalty? Who’s the loyal friend here? Who’s the one who would never dream of ditching her friend on a double date, no matter how miserable the guy she’s stuck with is? Who’s the one who is always there to listen to you go on and on about every guy who’s broken your heart while you’re too busy to even ask about me? Who’s the one who went along with this stupid charade in the first place, even though it totally goes against everything I’m about? And now, after all that, you’re still trying to tell me what to do? Well, you know what, Molly? I’m done. I’m done being pushed around by you. You want to know whose side I’m on? I’m on my side. For once in my life, I’m going to make decisions for me!”
Whoa. Apparently I had a lot of built-up anger toward Molly. I could tell she was as surprised as I was because for once in her life she was actually speechless.
“Fi
ne!” Molly finally shouted.
“Fine!” I shouted back. I grabbed a pillow and my overnight bag and stormed out of the room, my sights set on a living room couch far away from Molly and her ridiculous demands. A couch where I could dream about strolls in the market, romantic ferry rides, and kisses with Julian. Lord knows Molly and her agenda weren’t going anywhere.
The sun poured in through the living room window Sunday morning, shining on the right half of my face until it was red and sweaty, officially prompting me to get up. Molly’s mom walked into the room as I was folding the throw I had used for a blanket and straightening the pillows on the couch.
“Good morning, Janna!”
“Hi, Lisa.” All my friends called each other’s parents by their first names. Maybe it’s a Seattle thing.
“Is everything okay between you and Molly?”
“Why do you ask?” I silently panicked. Had Molly told her mom about my Academy Award—winning performances over the past few weeks? I knew better than anyone that Molly had a nasty, vengeful streak when she felt she’d been wronged.
“Well, for one thing, she got up really early to go running at Green Lake which, as you know, isn’t part of her typical sleep-until-eleven-on-the-weekend routine. And then there’s the small matter that you spent the night out here on the couch,” she said.
“Oh, it’s nothing. We just had a little disagreement last night. It’s no big deal.” I was hoping she couldn’t tell I was lying.
“All right, if you say so,” she said. “Would you like some breakfast? I’ve got granola and yogurt and some fresh blueberries.”
“No thank you. I have to get going. I have a lot of stuff to get done today,” I said.
“Do you need a ride home?”
“That’s okay. I’ll grab the bus.”
Lisa seemed to sense I wasn’t up for small talk, so she padded upstairs. I gathered my things and stuffed them into my bag, heading out a few minutes later.
As I walked to the bus stop, my mind worked to try to make some sense of what exactly happened last night between Molly and me. Certainly this wasn’t the first time Molly and I had gotten into a fight, but somehow this one felt more serious. But why? As I thought about the whole incident, it occurred to me how different Molly and I really were. On top of that, our friendship was unequal as all get out. I mean, if our friendship were a political ideology, it was a dictatorship, not a democracy. And in a dictatorship, only one person is in a position of power. In our case, it had always been Molly.
Love, Love, Love Page 9