Eventually, Emmett picked up. He sounded like crap. “Hello?”
I nervously cleared my throat. “Hey, Emm, it’s me.”
Long sigh. “I know it’s you.”
Attitude, yes, but at least he answered knowing it was me calling. “I, um, was wondering if we might be able to do our nightly rant.”
Silence.
“We don’t even have to really talk if you don’t want to. We could just do our rant and then hang up. What do you say?”
“I guess so,” he said unenthusiastically.
“Great. Can I go first?”
“Be my guest.”
“Okay. Here’s me.” I took a deep breath before diving in. “I’m so angry at myself because I really screwed things up with the guy who means everything to me. And I can’t believe what I’ve put this person through. It was totally uncalled for that I got so angry at the Regatta and accused this person of doing something terrible. And now I just miss him so much and it’s weird and horrible and depressing to not be able to talk to him whenever I want to about everything. I have no one to rant to, no one to tell me I look fabulous, no one to kick me in the butt when I need it, and no one to tell me how to fix everything I’ve screwed up. I’m terrified I won’t be able to find a way to make things right with this person, and I can’t imagine my life without him in it. All I really want to do is apologize and take back every offensive thing I did and said.” I paused. “I’m talking about you, you know.”
“You went over by seven seconds,” he said flatly.
“Sorry.”
“It’s my turn.”
“Okay, go ahead.”
Emmett sighed again. “Well, it’s a strange coincidence, but I, too, am missing my best friend. And I’m really pissed at myself for doing something so stupid that I know must have hurt her badly. And since I’ve pretty much dedicated my life to protecting this person, hurting her is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I also really hate sneaking around school, ducking behind lockers and hallways just to avoid seeing this person. In part, because it’s freakin’ hard to do. But, mostly, because I’ve been so afraid that she hates me.” He paused. “And that I don’t think I could stand.”
He stopped talking for a few seconds. “Anything else?” I asked.
“Is there anything left to say?”
“Yes, actually. I have more to say. I don’t hate you, Emm. I could never hate you in a million years. I’m so sorry for doing this to you, for putting you in this ridiculous position. Molly told me what happened on Saturday, and I want you to know that I would never want you, or expect you, to lie for me. I seriously don’t know what happened to me at the Regatta. It’s like, when I realized Julian knew the truth, I just kind of lost it.”
“Well, I can understand why. When you think the person you love is gone for good, it makes you do pretty crazy things.”
The L word hung in the air for a few seconds, and neither of us said a word. But if we were going to salvage our friendship, I knew we had to go there, big, hairy, and uncomfortable or not.
“So, um, Emm? About that.”
“About what?” He paused. “Oh, you mean that?”
“Yeah, that.”
“You mean that little thing about me telling you I was in love with you?”
“Yeah, that.” God, was this hard. “You should have told me.”
“I thought I did.”
“Yeah, on Saturday. I’m talking about before we were in the middle of a screaming match. Don’t take this the wrong way, but it wasn’t the best timing, you know?”
“I know, but I’ve felt that way for so long, I didn’t even know how to think about bringing it up anymore. I think I just got used to ignoring the way I felt when it came to you and me, since I was pretty sure if I ever did say anything about it, I’d find out you don’t feel the same way.”
Again the silence.
“Do you?” he asked. “Feel the same way?”
I’d thought about this a lot since last Saturday. I mean, I trusted Emmett more than anyone, and he was the one person who had always been there for me. Emmett knew all my dark, creepy secrets, yet he still managed to like me (love me, even!). And then there was the fact that he was absolutely adorable. But despite all the items I could check off in the good-boyfriend-material column, I couldn’t make myself feel that extra something I had with Julian. It just wasn’t there.
“You have no idea how much I wish I did feel the same way, Emmett. You are the perfect guy. You are. And I do love you more than anything—”
“—but not like that,” he said, finishing my thought.
“But not like that,” I repeated.
We were quiet again.
“So, where does this leave us?” I asked.
“It leaves us as friends,” he said. “Just like we were before. But better.”
“Better how?”
“Better because I’m going to stop hoping for it to be something more. From now on I’m going to accept that we aren’t ever going to be together like that, and that’s okay. Actually, I think I kind of built up in my mind what I thought we should be. The truth is, I love what we have as friends. Maybe that’s all we’re supposed to be anyway.”
I smiled.
“That’s not to say that should you ever change your mind and decide you do want to be more than friends, you shouldn’t let me know …”
“Emm … ,” I said.
“Just kidding,” he said. “Kind of.”
I laughed. For the first time since Saturday, I knew things were going to be okay. “So, we’re good?”
“Yeah, we’re good.”
Thursday felt better, at least compared with earlier in the week when Emmett and I weren’t talking. My friendship stresses no longer a factor in the internal turmoil that had racked my body over the past week, I had actually managed to get a decent night’s sleep Wednesday night.
That’s not to say I still wasn’t suffering from acute hole-in-the-heart syndrome. I felt like the definition of the word “heartbreak,” like everyone who laid eyes on me could take one look at my face and know exactly what was going on inside. I was still clinging to Molly’s promise that things would get a little better each day. Any day now would be great with me.
When the final bell rang at the close of yet another meaningless day of school (not because of my bad attitude, but because it seemed both the student body and the teachers were already suffering from a severe case of summeritis), I grabbed my stuff out of my locker and walked down the hallway toward the front doors. I had told Emmett earlier that I wasn’t up for our weekly movie, mostly because a solo sulking session at home suited my mood better than a screening of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
But as soon as I walked out of the building, I heard what sounded like Molly’s horn. Snapped out of my daze, I looked up and saw Emmett and Molly pulling around in her little car, flagging me down.
“Janna!” Molly shouted out the window. “Come with us!”
They stopped right in front of me, and Emmett jumped out and got into the back.
“What? What is it?” I had been looking forward to what had by now become a daily postschool pity party. And it was one party that didn’t require any other guests.
“Just get in,” Molly said.
“But why? What are we doing?”
“What happened to the spontaneous Janna I came to love over the past few weeks? Get in the car, girl! We’re going to my house.
That’s it.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
“But I was really in the mood to go home and—”
“Yeah, yeah, we know, be sad, mope around, listen to cheesy love songs, watch Atonement over and over again, blah, blah blah. Just get in the car, would you?” said Emmett.
Reluctantly, I slid into the front seat, shoving my bag between my feet before pulling the car door closed. Having successfully made her pickup, Molly peeled out of the parking lot and headed toward her house
.
“Will somebody please tell me what’s going on?” Yes, I was happy to have my friends back, but I was still incredibly fragile. I wasn’t up for any of Molly’s usual shenanigans.
“Just relax, Janna. It’s all good. We’ll talk about it when we get home, okay?” Molly said.
“Fine. Whatever.” I leaned my head back against the headrest and listlessly stared out the window. I studied the faces on people we passed by, noticed how they seemed engaged with life. There was something so unzombielike about them. Would I ever look that way again?
“Come on, sweetie. Let’s go inside.” We’d just pulled into Molly’s narrow driveway and squeezed out of the car. Once inside the house, Molly hooked us up with some trail mix and water and we went into her living room, where I fell into the big comfy chair built for two.
“Okay. I’m here. What’s so important?” I asked wearily. I appreciated their efforts to cheer me up, I really did. But frankly, I didn’t want to do anything but sleep and wait for time to pass so this heartache would go away.
“I have a plan to help you get Julian back,” Molly said, her eyes shimmering with hope like she’d just told me she’d discovered the cure for cancer.
“A plan?” I shook my head. “I don’t think I can handle another one of your ‘plans’ right now. No offense.”
“Just hear her out, Janna,” Emmett said.
I looked at Emmett, surprised. “You’re actually going along with this?”
“It’s a good plan, Jan. In fact, I’d even give it the Emmett seal of approval,” he replied.
I eyed Emmett suspiciously. Since when was he so interested in helping me get back my guy? Hmmm … get back my guy. Was there a chance in hell? Apparently they thought so.
“All right, I’m listening,” I said. Might as well hear them out.
Molly leaned forward on the couch. “Okay. Now. I think we’d all agree that in order to get Julian back, you’re going to have to do something, you know, big. Something that makes a statement. Something that says, ‘I love you and you know you love me, too.’ Right?”
“Big how? Big like charging in on a white horse and sweeping him off his feet? My life isn’t a romance movie, you know.”
“Bigger,” she said.
“Bigger?” I said.
“Bigger,” Molly and Emmett said simultaneously.
“Like what?”
“I’ve got just one word for you … prom.”
“Prom?”
“Prom,” they both said in unison.
“Enough! Somebody just tell me the plan already!”
“We’re going to crash the Collins junior prom on Saturday night. We already know Julian will definitely be there, since he’s deejaying it,” she said.
“Crashing Julian’s prom? That’s your big idea?” I was still waiting for the really big part that would be so brilliant that Julian would forgive all and come running back to me.
“It’s more than just crashing the prom, Janna. It’s about putting everything on the line and doing something crazy to let someone know how important they are to you. It’s about making a complete fool of yourself for love,” Emmett said.
“Easy, Mr. Romance. As I just told you, my life is not a teen romance movie. Things don’t always work out happily ever after in real life.”
“I know,” Emmett said. “Believe me.” His look let me know he was still feeling his own heartache. I was pretty impressed he was sticking to his word, though, and focusing on just being my friend. “But I also know this. You need to tell Julian how you feel or you’ll never know what you could have had. And maybe when Julian sees the lengths you’ll go to for him, he’ll give you another chance.”
I played with a piece of loose thread I’d pulled off my T-shirt, twirling it around my pinkie while I thought about their idea.
“But how would we get in? How would it all work?” I asked.
“You let us worry about getting in. Spence owes me, big time, and I’m going to collect,” Molly said.
“And I’ll make sure Julian is where you need him to be and that he’s open to hearing you,” said Emmett.
“All you have to do is figure out what you want to say and how you want to say it,” Molly said.
I crinkled my eyebrows together in a scowl. “You really think this could work?”
“Totally!” Molly answered enthusiastically.
“Not you,” I said to her. “You.” I pointed to Emmett.
“Yes. I really think it could work. Look. What do you have to lose? Besides. You? Janna? The original one? You’re pretty freaking amazing. And I know it sounds all cliché and everything, but it’s true—if Julian can’t see how great you are, then he’s probably not the guy for you anyway, right?”
I shrugged my shoulders in agreement. “I guess so.”
“So, what do you think? Can I put the plan in motion?” Molly asked.
I hesitated. Would I be able to go through with it? Could I come up with the perfect thing to say and do that would, as Emmett said, put it all on the line? I looked up at Molly and Emmett, both of whom were staring at me with the expectancy of children waiting for a puppy on Christmas morning.
I let out a long sigh. Emmett was right. What did I have to lose? “Okay,” I said. “I’m in.”
Molly let out a whoop of excitement, clapping her hands. “This is going to be so awesome, Janna!”
Awesome? Doubtful. Humiliating? Probably. But how much worse could things get between Julian and me at this point? At the very least, I owed it to him, to me, and to Janna Ika Ilka to give our love one more shot.
“Are you ready?” Molly asked me.
Definitely not. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Emmett put his hand on my shoulder comfortingly. “Got your music?”
I patted my bag and felt the outline of the CD inside, nodding my head nervously.
Molly, Emmett, and I were outside the yacht club where Julian’s prom was being held, circling around the parking lot looking for a spot. We found one in the last row, and Molly pulled in, cracking open the windows a smidge so we wouldn’t fog up the windows before turning off the ignition. We sat there in silence, listening to the muffled sound of music coming from inside the club. Julian’s music. Julian was in there, right now. I couldn’t wait to see him. I was terrified to see him.
“I can’t do this.” Rapid heart rate. Shortness of breath. Queasiness. Is this what having a heart attack feels like?
“You can do it,” Molly said. “We’re here for you. You’re not going to be alone.”
“I know.”
Molly looked at the clock on her dashboard. “We’ve gotta go. Spence is meeting us at the side door in two minutes.”
“I still can’t believe he went along with this,” Emmett said.
“Yeah, me too. Are you sure he didn’t say anything to Julian?” I asked.
“Yeah. For as much as a jerk as he was to me, he has this savior complex thing when it comes to Julian. And he said Julian’s been miserable since he found out about you. When I told Spence how you felt and what you wanted to do, he agreed. The fact that I gave him the guilt trip of a lifetime for what he did to me didn’t hurt,” Molly explained.
I remembered Julian’s story about Spence sticking up for him when he was little. I guess he was still doing it today.
We got out of the car and made our way across the damp parking lot. The air was thick with clouds, but the rain had tapered off for now. We hurried toward the door like we were on a covert mission. We were half the gang from Scooby-Doo … Emmett as Shaggy, Molly as Daphne, and me as Velma, of course, minus the glasses and kneesocks. Instead, I was wearing a long black skirt, heels, and a T-shirt covered with cheesy foods. Not my best look, but I was hoping it would at least get Julian’s attention.
We ran up to the door and Molly gently rapped on it three times. Nothing. She knocked again.
“Where is he?! He promised he would—”
“I’m right here.” Spenc
e propped open the door, looking dapper in a black tux.
“Oh, hi. Thanks.” Without thinking, Molly gave him a smile, then quickly erased it once she remembered what he’d done to her.
“No problem,” he said. He looked at me and my outfit with confusion before turning to Molly and smiling. “You look very nice tonight,” he said to her.
She gently pushed him on the shoulder. “Focus. We’re here for Janna and Julian. That’s it.”
“Hey, hey, take it easy. We’re all on the same team here, right?” he said.
Molly glared at him impatiently.
“Damn, okay, girl. I get it.” He pointed to the stairs at the far end of the room. “The ballroom is up there. Julian’s finishing his set in five minutes, and they’ll be announcing the prom king and queen five minutes after that. Whatever you need to do, I would do it in between. There’s already a mic set up onstage.”
“What do you think Julian’s going to do once he goes on his break?” Molly asked.
“I don’t know … take a piss, maybe?” Spence answered.
“That won’t work. We need him in the room,” Molly said. “Can you keep him there?”
“Yeah, I guess so. I could tell him that I need to talk to him about—”
“Can I go with you? I want to be there with him when Janna does her thing,” Emmett said.
Spence looked at Emmett as if he’d just noticed he was there. “Who are you?”
“I’m Emmett. I’m with them. I’m the, uh, one from the Regatta.”
“Oh yeah, I heard about you. I’m not so sure he’d be into seeing you, dude.”
“I’m just here to apologize. And to make sure that he hears what Janna has to say.”
“All right, I guess that’s okay. Look we gotta move. His set’s going to be over in a minute.” Spence gave us a serious look. “Don’t screw this up.”
I felt the color drain from my face. This was it. We scrambled across the room and up the stairs into the grand ballroom, where the Collins prom was in full swing. I looked onstage and spotted Julian off to the side at his booth. He was rocking with the beat of the music, completely focused on the control he had over the room. I felt like I’d just been punched in the chest at the very sight of him. I wanted him back. Bad. More than anything I’d ever wanted before.
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