by Bart King
Dag Catchers
Dakes
Dakkers
Duds Fundies
Foundation Wear
Fun Daks
Fundies
Geeto Bobblies
Grundies
The Incubators
Jean Savers
John Brumbies
Mooshies
Mr. Happy Pants
Ninnies
Scruds
Scruts Jokies
Scungies
Skid Pans
Skidy Scrapers
Snag Slingers
Tightie Whities
Underdacks
Under-the-Butt Nut Hut
Wow, that’s such a great list, I hate to play favorites. But even so, I’m going to call my unmentionables “Bumberdaks” for the rest of the year!
Creative Writing
Writing is one of the greatest things you can do! (I read that somewhere.) In fact, perhaps the only bad thing about writing is that it can take so darned long to do. I mean, who has time to sit down and type out a book? Not me!
But you know what IS fun? Getting mail! I mean, getting real mail from an actual person. I got a postcard from my nephew the other day. On the front was a turtle. On the back my nephew had written, “I like turtles.” That’s it! And it was awesome.
Spell Check Fun!
On your computer, type up a list of the names of your friends, and then run a spell check. Be amused at the new names the spell check creates! For example, on my computer, Stanley Tucci becomes “Stainless Taco.” And Leonard Nimoy becomes “Leotard Gnome”!
In fact, I should send him a message back. Not an IM, not a text message, not a VM, not a tweet, not e-mail. Maybe I’ll send him a postcard. (NO, not an e-card!) Yeah, and on the back I’ll put a cool turtle joke (see p. 161). Because that’s how I crawl—er, roll.
Of course, you don’t have to write using snail mail. Do you keep a diary or a personal journal? Maybe it’s just for yourself, or maybe it’s for one of your classes. Either way, let’s say that you’re not sure what to put in it. Let me give you a Professional Writing Tip: If you’re stuck, try writing a bunch of stuff that uses the word “I” a lot.
You’re welcome!
If your journal is for a class, it’s a good idea to add creative touches that your teacher will enjoy. Also, be sure to use as many emoticons and verticons as possible. (Teachers understand that these are terrific ways to express yourself.)
Not-Very-Handy Emoticons
:X Your secret is safe with me
;X My lips are sealed (but I crossed my fingers!)
=L Drooling
|-O Yawning
:- Uneasy
~(8(l) Homer Simpson
qo{-<]: Kid on a skateboard
Squirrel Strengths!
The longest English word of one syllable is “squirreled.” And the longest English word with only one vowel is “strengths.”
Amazingly Useless Verticons!
,,/(^_^),,/ Rock on!
(^o^)/ Excited!
(-_\) Feeling emo
(9ò_ó)=@ Throwing a punch
(9ò_ó)=0=|:::> Swinging a sword
(>”>) ~)))’> Chasing an armadillo
/ *o/*__ A shark attacking a cheerleader
@(*o*)@ A koala bear
‘~~)_)~~´ A roll of toilet paper
(,,,)=^;^=(,,,) A sleeping cat
(__(__) A butt
(,,,)^@;@^(,,,) A cat that saw a butt that needs some toilet paper
The Sincero-Mark!
Did you know there’s a company that has invented a new punctuation mark? It’s called the “SarcMark,” because you’re supposed to use it when you’re being sarcastic. (For legal reasons, I can’t show it to you, but it looks like a backward ampersand (@).
The problem with the SarcMark is that I know some people who are ALWAYS sarcastic. So if they were writing a message, the thing would have a rash of SarcMarks all over it! For people like this, I have an emoticon that can be used for sincerity. It’s this little guy giving two thumbs up!
b(^_^)d
Just looking at this emoticon makes me smile! I call it the Sincero-Mark, and you should use it when you are writing something heartfelt, like Happy Birthday, Mom! b(^_^)d
If you want to give your Sincero-Mark just a little irony, try this version:
b(~_^)d
Ha! See? The emoticon is giving a knowing wink to give your writing the perfect tone! I’ll bet you really love this book now! b(~_^)d
English Extra Credit
Hey, why not write a hundred-word story that doesn’t use the letters Z or X? (This will be easier than you think.) Then turn it in to your English teacher for extra credit! If your teacher doesn’t understand, point to your paper’s heading.
Then turn in your paper.
Your teacher’s puzzled look probably means that your creativity amazes her!
If a hundred words seem like a lot, don’t despair. In this age of Twitter, you can just sum up a whole story in one sentence! For example:
After finding out her grandfather was in the army, my daughter asked, “Was he with the green guys or the tan guys?”
I have three giant bruises and a bruised ego as proof that you can, in fact, forget how to ride a bicycle.
After I circled B for the tenth straight time, I had to wonder if I was getting all the answers wrong or if my teacher just had a sick sense of humor.
What’s that? I have a hard time believing that you’re saying, “I’ll never have time to write a whole sentence!” But in case this is true, try writing a six-word memoir. A “memoir” is your life story (or part of your life story).
Here’s an example of a six-word memoir that a “friend” of mine wrote:
“Ate fast. Wrote books. Went bald.”
And here are a few examples by teenagers from SMITH magazine:
“I never got my Hogwarts letter.” Deanna H.
“I fulfilled my awkwardness quota today.” Maggie A.
“My tenth toenail finally grew back.” Blue L.
Speaking of writing, today I learned that there is a book titled Soft Drink and Fruit Juice Problems Solved.
Did you see that? There’s a book out there that can solve your juice problems!
Just knowing that Soft Drink and Fruit Juice Problems Solved exists made me very happy. And so I wanted to do something nice for the authors. I decided the best thing I could do was write a review that might help others realize what a classic their book is.
Of course, I hadn’t actually READ Soft Drink and Fruit Juice Problems Solved, but so what? The book had already improved my life, and a little review was the least I could do as repayment. So I went to a popular shopping Web site and wrote a five-star review:
This book is a valuable tool for anyone having juice and soft drink problems. Speaking for myself, I often have trouble spilling my fruit juice while walking to the monorail. While sippy cups have been helpful, it wasn’t until I read Soft Drink and Fruit Juice Problems Solved that I could make it to work without blueberry stains on my tie. Bravo to the authors!
Writing that was SO fun. Another good thing about silly online reviews is that others can join in with the good times! For example, maybe you’ve heard of the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt? This black shirt with three howling wolves and one full moon on it really cracked people up. It has almost two thousand reviews at one Web site alone, and many of them are very silly. But happily, almost everyone gives the T-shirt five stars, because it is NOT fun (or cool) to write a negative review of a silly product.
Other odd products, like ballpoint pens and wool socks, have also been flooded by funny reviews over the years. Of these, my favorite is the gallon container of Tuscan whole milk. It has over a thousand reviews—and they don’t even make the stuff anymore! And as J. Fitzsimmons’s review shows us, you don’t have to write much to impress people: “Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!”
Now got out th
ere and write some awesome reviews for fun stuff...and remember, being positive is A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
Not-So-Creative Writing?
You can probably tell that I love to read. After all, there are a lot of great books out there!
The following is not one of them.
In 2009, rapper Kanye West co-wrote a book titled Thank You And You’re Welcome. The book was fifty-two pages long, but some of the pages were blank! The pages that weren’t blank had sentences like “Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!” (That quote covered two pages in the book, by the way.)
Why write a book that was so short? Kanye West explained in an interview: “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.”
Well, I totally disagree with him about one thing: I think it would be awesome to get a book’s autograph!
* * *
[12] Squirmle and other word combinations are called “portmanteau” words.
[13] Adapted from the Stoakes-Whibley Natural Index of Supernatural Collective Nouns: http://wondermark.com/566.
Photo Magic
Okay, you’re getting ready to take a picture of your friend. But if your friend tries to look cool or serious for the photo, it’s not going to be much fun. You need goofiness! Or at least a smile.
So before you snap the shot, you say something that photographers have used for millions of years to get people to grin. Yes, I’m talking about “cheese.” Or am I? It turns out that not everyone relies on cheese for a good photo. Here are a few of the magic words that international photographers use:
China: qie ze (eggplant)
Denmark: appelsin (orange)
Finland: muikki (a type of fish)
Korea: kimch’i (pickled cabbage)
Poland: dzem (marmalade)
Spain: patata (potato)
Sweden: omelett (omelet)
Brazil: sheez (the letter “x”)
Another fun thing to do is to take a picture so zany that it would make even the most jaded math teacher crack a smile. Ooh, I just had a good idea! Use one of your PARENTS’ cameras for some of the following pictures. Then when your mom or dad looks through the shots later on, they’ll be stunned at the insanity you’ve unleashed!
Moneyfacing
For this, you need paper money that has a human face somewhere on it. Let’s imagine you’re using a US dollar bill. You need one person to take the picture and one person to pose for it. The picture taker will fold the dollar bill so that the top half of George Washington’s face is visible. Then she’ll hold the dollar bill up in front of her subject’s face. Finally, she’ll position the dollar bill so that it fits the size of the real person’s head.
The result is a hybrid known as a moneyface!
For variety, you can match the upper part of the real person’s face with the lower part of the dollar bill...or perch the money’s full head shot over your subject’s shoulders!
And remember, for contrast, the more different the money portrait is from the real subject, the better. So try putting Abraham Lincoln’s head on top of a baby. (All you need for this shot is a $5 bill and a baby!)
Daughter/Son of the Month
Have you ever gone into a business that has pictures of its “Employee of the Month”? I love those pictures. And you can join in the fun!
First, snap a picture of yourself. Like an employee of the month, you should be standing proudly dressed in your typical outfit. (School clothes complete with backpack? A dirty coverall?)
Now get a cheap frame from around the house or from a shop that sells cheap frames. (If you’re spending more than five bucks, it’s not cheap enough!) I’m guessing it would be too much trouble to get your hands on a cool engraved bronze label that says “Son [or Daughter] of the Month,” so just create and print out your own label when you print out your photo.
Frame your picture carefully (remember, as son/daughter of the month, you have to set an example). Then mount the picture in a prominent spot in your house and see how long it takes people to notice it!
Funny in a Way I Can’t Explain!
This is funny. Don’t ask me why. Take a picture (especially a small framed one) someone has up in their house and hide it in an odd place. This could be in the person’s underwear drawer, next to their jumbo-size jar of peanut butter, or just behind another picture. Oh, the merriment!
Baby Shots!
For some reason, including a baby in a picture always makes it better. When my sister gave birth to identical twins, I thought it would be a great idea to give them matching outfits. One outfit would say “Copy” on the front, and the other outfit would say “Paste.” Then we would take their picture!
Another great idea (that might be in bad taste) is this: Get a big frying pan and set it on the stove. (Make sure all burners and the oven are off, of course!) Put a soft blanket on top of the pan. Set up whatever vegetables and spices you have in the house near the frying pan. Now, gently take a baby and set it on the frying pan. Take a picture! (Bonus points if you can get a hungry-looking toddler to stand near the pan with a spatula.)
Or how about this? Take a bunch of dolls and line them up on a bed or sofa. And right in the middle of the doll lineup, stick a real baby. (“Say ‘muikki!’ ”)
Finally, with the help of an adult, take a baby and go somewhere where there’s a basketball hoop. Kneel down near the basket while holding the camera and aim the camera up in the air. Have the adult take the baby and (carefully!) put one hand on its tummy. Now have the person hold up the baby with one arm while looking at the basket. Start taking pictures! (It will look like the person was shooting baskets with the baby!)
Give Your Dog More Hair
First, I just want to say that it’s ALWAYS fun to dress up pets. One of the best pictures I’ve ever seen showed a pit bull wearing a big pair of rabbit ears. So funny. (It was the only Velveteen Rabbit I’ve ever seen that could bite your face off!)
Anyway, for this photo, you need a person with fairly long hair. This could be a girl or a hair-metal guitarist, but whoever it is, the more hair, the better.
Oh, and you also need a dog, the less hyper the better!
Have your dog sit in front of the camera. Now have the long-haired person sit behind the dog and lean forward so that his or her face is behind the dog’s head. Now ask them to sweep all that hair forward! Adjust the bangs and give it a part. Now have Fido say, “Cheesy!”
Note: Be careful if you ever put a wig on your dog. The wrong wig can make it look like the dog has a mullet...and dogs hate mullets! (Scientists believe that millions of years ago, dogs used to hunt mullets in the wild.)
The Lying Down Game
This is a favorite because it’s so easy. Take a picture of yourself or a friend lying down in an unlikely spot. Examples might include a teacher’s desk, a busy sidewalk, or a helipad!
Monkey Mania
To do this photo project, you need to find all the stuffed monkeys you can get your hands on. If you can’t get your hands on more than a few monkeys, go after other animals that might be found in a tree, like stuffed parrots, stuffed cats, and, uh, stuffed butterflies.
Once you have a collection of eight or more stuffed tree animals, find a tree. The tree could be in a park or at your house. Maybe it’s in the front yard or outside your best friend’s window. Now climb the tree and/or get a ladder and start putting the animals up in the tree branches! If you have trouble making the animals stay put, wrap their legs around a branch and then use a rubber band to keep the paws together. Once you have the animals just like you want them, take a picture. Better yet, see if you can lie in wait and get a snapshot of someone coming by and being surprised by your monkeys!
Just a thought: If you ever need to get rid of a bunch of stuffed animals, get a big box. Write something like, “Free puppies, kittens, etc.” on the box, and then sit holding the box outside a grocery store. (The fun will come from seeing people’s expressions as they look at you!)