by Bart King
So, from a general viewpoint, what kinds of things make us laugh? Well, you’d be surprised! For one humor study, scientists watched people in shopping centers and carefully took notes. They found that fewer than one laugh out of five was because of a joke or funny story. Most of the laughter happened when people said “hello” or “good-bye” to each other.
So we laugh when greeting or leaving one another? Weird!
Here are some other things that can get people laughing:
Things that happen during times of danger and excitement.
Captain Benjamin Tupper of the US Army National Guard has an interesting take on this. He found himself fighting in some very dangerous battles in Afghanistan. Although there’s nothing funny about getting shot at, Tupper wrote that “some of the funniest things happen when your life is on the line and you do something stupid. [And] when you retell the stories, you’ll never laugh harder.”
Things we find to be true.
When you laugh at something, you often don’t have time to think first. Your laughter is almost automatic! So if someone likes the Portland Trail Blazers, they will tend to laugh at jokes about their rivals, the Los Angeles Lakers. It’s only natural!
Jokes where you “had to be there.”
Personally, I don’t understand what’s up with all this “you had to be there” humor. Are all these people telling geography jokes? Ha! Get it? It’s a “you had to be there” joke! So if you don’t get it, you had to be there. (Heh heh, ouch.)
Things that contain an element of surprise.
But despite the general rules, not everyone finds the same things funny. You see, there are two kinds of people in the world: male and female.
Humor research shows that little kids, boys, and men like very simple types of humor. Often called “slapstick” humor, this is the kind of laughter that comes from people falling down, telling poop jokes, or making weird faces.
Girls, and especially women, prefer humor that comes from memories, personal information, relationships, and stories. In short, women like complicated humor. Why? Because they’re smart!
Remember to watch other people carefully when they laugh. Researchers have found that if a person is really laughing, he will close his eyes for a moment. If a person laughs without closing his eyes, he’s faking it! He’s either doing this to be polite, or it’s a “no soap, radio”.
The Worst Sense of Humor in the World?
The people of Germany have never been known for their sense of humor. They are a serious people! For example, here is a joke that Germans like to tell. Amazingly, the joke is about how Germans don’t have a sense of humor!
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The police. I’m afraid there’s been an accident. Your husband is in the hospital.”
See? Not funny! And get this: I just read a news article about a German woman who called the police with an emergency. She had just returned from a walk when she thought she could hear someone being tortured. The police investigated immediately! They quickly discovered the man who was being tortured. His name was Roland Hofmann. He had taken a humorous book with him on a walk, and had stopped to read it. The horrible “tortured” sounds the woman caller had heard was Roland’s laughter!
A police spokesperson said, “We realize that people think the sound of Germans laughing is unusual, but we’re sure the caller meant well.” Hey, this could give us a new German knock-knock joke!
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The police. Please stop laughing. Your neighbors find your sounds of joy incredibly disturbing.”
Know Your Laughers!
People often laugh using words like “Ha!” or “Hee hee!” Long ago, followers of geloscopy believed the word you used to laugh revealed part of your personality! People who said “Ha!” when they laughed were considered to be honest but undependable, while people who said “Hee!” were considered to be sad or simpleminded. People who said “Ho!” were thought of as brave and generous, while people who said “Huu!” were supposed to be untrustworthy. Ho, ho, ho! Here are some other laughing styles:
The Oxygen Tank: When amused, this person wheezes like she can’t get a good breath of air.
The Script Reader: This person really does laugh, but they’re using words to do it. (For example, my dad actually goes “Hee, hee, hee.” The Script Reader is a little bit like...
The Barker: “Ha! Haha! Ha!”
The Silent Chuckler: It’s a little weird to make this person laugh because it takes a while to know if they ARE laughing. There may be a moment of quiet, followed by the person saying, “Now THAT was funny.”
The Donkey: No offense, but if someone brays with a “hee-haw” sound, this is the label they end up with!
The Infectious Laugher: Merry peals of laughter ring throughout the room, and even if you’re in a bad mood, you find yourself smiling. Scientists have not found an antidote for this laughing infection. But why would they want one?
The Sarcastic Laugher: Not good! If we work together, we can stomp out “Ha. Ha. Ha” or “Har-de-har-har” or “That was so funny, I forgot to laugh.”
The Startlingly Loud Laugher: This person’s chortles are so loud, he can make babies cry, dogs drop their bones, and shoppers run for the exit.
The Special Effects Laugher: I have heard people warble, whinny, whistle, and wheeze when laughing. (And sometimes they even snort!)
The Sobber: Wow. Is this person laughing or crying?
Jokes
I’ve divided the jokes in this chapter into a few different categories. The first category contains some of the most simpleminded jokes of all time. Then we progress to jokes that are just plain old simpleminded. Enjoy!
Jokes So Dumb, No Coward Can Tell Them
Believe it or not, I admire people who tell dumb jokes. By doing so, they show that they are not self-conscious. That means they don’t care what other people think of them. In short, people who tell dumb jokes are the bravest of all. They are our heroes, and to honor their courage, here are their jokes.
Oh, I almost forgot: Many dumb jokes have a question–and–answer format. This is helpful for comic timing. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about:
You: Ask me if I’m a tree.
Friend: Why would I ask if you’re a tree?
You: No, seriously, just play along. Ask me if I’m a tree.
Friend (sighing): FINE. Are you a tree?
You: No.
Man, I love that sort of thing! The thing that makes it funny is how it plays with what a person thinks is going to happen. Here’s another one:
A boy sees a girl cupping something with her hands.
Boy: What do you have there?
Girl: Guess!
Boy: Is it a rock?
Girl: No.
Boy: A flower? Nothing? Money?
Girl: No, no, and no.
Boy (tired of the game): Is it a horse?
Girl (opening her hands and peeking inside): What color?
You get the idea! And now, let me share more material that will take bravery for you to share with others:
Q: What’s yellow, smooth, and dangerous?
A: Shark-infested custard.
Q: Where does our president keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To help fight the fire.
Q: Why did the lion cross the road?
A: To get a free roast chicken.
Q: What’s yellow, smells like bananas, and sits at the bottom of a tree?
A: Monkey barf.
Q: What kind of primate can fly?
A: A hot-air baboon.
Man in grocery store: Your frozen chickens are all too small. Do they get any bigger?
Clerk: No, sir, they’re dead.
Q: Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
A: So he could go where no man had gone before.
&
nbsp; Q: What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.
Police officer: Why did you park in this No Parking zone?
Driver: The sign said FINE FOR PARKING!
Q: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef!
Q: What is boring, annoying, and you have to live with it all your life?
A: Your brother!
Q: If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, then what’s on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: When is the sentence “Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear” the last thing you want to read?
A: When the mirror’s on your tricycle and the “object” is an angry pit bull.
Knock-knock Jokes
Knock-knock jokes have the same kind of built-in rhythm as question–and–answer jokes, and that’s why kids love them. (Except when they hate them!)
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, who?”
“Hey, you’re glad to see me!”
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The Interrupting Cow.”
“The Interru—”
“Moooooo!”
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The Interrupting Starfish.”
“The Interrupting Starfish wh—”
Spread your fingers and place your hand over the person’s face.
Hot Tip: If a kid keeps working you with knock-knock jokes and you’re tired of playing, do this.
Kid: Knock, knock!
You: Use the doorbell.
Kid: Uh...ding-dong.
You: Nobody’s home.
Or better yet:
Kid: Knock, knock!
You: Come in.
Cooler Jokes
A more advanced joke often has a little story to it, or maybe a tricky punch line that makes a person think. And sometimes a joke like this may have actually happened! Take, for example, this conversation I once overheard in a classroom.[19]
Student: I need to go to P.E. now.
Teacher (hearing the word “pee”): Really? Can you hold it?
Student (puzzled): No, I am supposed to be there now.
Teacher: I don’t understand. You mean you are scheduled for it?
Student: Well, yeah, I’m always supposed to go to P.E. at this time.
Teacher (whispering): Do you have a, uh, condition I should know about?
Student: What? No! Why?
Teacher: I was just wondering why you have an appointment to pee at the same time every day.
Student: P.E.! P.E.! Not pee.
Teacher: Oh, P.E.! Ha ha. Ouch. Yes, you can go.
A guy walks into the library and loudly says, “I’d like a BURGER, FRIES, and a COKE.”
“Shhh!” the librarian whispers. “This is a LIBRARY.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the guy quietly answers. “I’d like a burger, fries, and a coke.”
A boy who had to share a bedroom with his brother Timmy was talking to his mom.
“Timmy has been driving me crazy. He’s been pretending he’s a refrigerator!”
His mom laughed. “How does that bother you?”
“Timmy sleeps with his mouth open,” the boy replied. “And the little light is keeping me awake!”
A teacher told his class that he ran a marathon over the weekend. A girl raised her hand. “My mom’s in great shape,” she said. “She started running last year, and she hasn’t stopped since.
“Wow! Hey, I’ve never met your mom,” the teacher replied.
“No surprise,” said the girl. “We don’t know where she is.”
A father caught his baby daughter just as she swallowed a big magnet. The dad freaked out and drove her to the emergency room. After X-rays, a doctor spoke with him.
“Don’t worry,” the doctor said. “Your daughter should pass the magnet tomorrow.”
The man made a face. Dang it! He didn’t want to search his daughter’s poop looking for the magnet. “How will I know when that’s happened?” he asked.
The doctor thought for a moment. “Try sticking her to the refrigerator,” she said. “When your daughter falls off, you’ll know.”
A girl is eating a hamburger when she notices a dog is watching every move she makes. The girl breaks off a piece of the hamburger and calls the dog over. It politely advances.
“Speak!” the girl commands. “Speak!”
“Under the circumstances,” the dog replies, “I hardly know what to say.”
A teacher was trying to explain to some third graders how to multiply numbers, but he could tell they weren’t getting it.
“Okay, who knows what three times three is?” he asked.
One of his best students raised his hand and said, “399!”
“Not quite,” replied the teacher. “Anyone else?”
“I know!” cried out another student. “It’s a trick question. The answer is ‘Tuesday!’ ”
The teacher was rubbing his face in disbelief when he saw his shyest student raise her hand. “Is the answer ‘nine?’ ” she asked shyly.
“Yes!” said the teacher. “Now tell us how you did that.”
“It was simple,” the girl said. “I just subtracted 399 from Tuesday!”
Three boys were running down the street because they had thrown water balloons at some girls riding their tricycles. The boys ran into an old country store to hide. Each of them hid in an empty sack labeled POTATOES.
When the girls came in, they saw the sacks. One girl kicked a sack with a boy in it. The boy said, “Woof!” hoping the girls would believe he was a dog. Another girl kicked a different sack. The boy inside said, “Meow!” Another girl kicked the third sack.
The boy inside hesitated, and then he called out, “Potatoes!”
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, “Do you keep widdle wabbits here?”
The lady who owns the store smiles and says, “Sure, right over here. Do you want a fuzzy widdle brown rabbit or a cute widdle white rabbit?”
The girl shrugs and says, “Either one. My pyfon’s not picky.”
A woman looking for a parrot went into a pet shop. She saw a beautiful red-and-green parrot, and when she approached it, the bird said, “Hello!” and then began reciting poetry that was so beautiful, the woman cried.
She bought the parrot and took it home. But as soon as the parrot got inside, it began cursing like a sailor! It was “$%^&!” this and “&@&*!” that. The woman was stunned, and then she heard a knock at the door. It was her neighbor! Not wanting to offend anyone, the woman gently put the bird into the refrigerator. “It will just be for a minute,” she explained.
After getting rid of her neighbor, the woman returned and let the parrot out of the refrigerator.
“My apologies!” said the parrot. “I’ll never speak like that again!” And then the bird added, “And by the way, what did the chicken do?”
A woman sits down on a park bench to enjoy the sunny weather. Seated next to her is an older lady. The two women begin having a pleasant conversation.
After a few moments, the older woman leans in and says, “Can you believe how ugly that fellow over there is?
“Oh,” says the younger woman. “That is my husband.”
“I beg your pardon!” says the older woman. “I do not mean him, I mean that shocking monster behind him.”
“And that,” replies the younger woman, “is my son.”
A girl said to a boy on the bus, “I heard a great joke the other day, but it was about you. I don’t want to offend you, so I’ll tell it about Little Timmy instead.”
The girl told the joke, and when she finished, the boy laughed so hard that tears streamed down his face.
“Wow,” the boy gasped. “Little Timmy sure is an idiot!”
The manager of a coffee bar was waiting on customers when
a small, angry-looking man came to the front of the line.
”What can I get for you, sir?” the manager asked.
The small, angry-looking man answered, “I want a coffee and I’m not going to pay because I’m not afraid of anybody!”
Since the man was angry and there were people waiting, the manager gave him a free coffee. The next morning, the small, angry-looking man was back. He again demanded a coffee, repeating that he was not going to pay and that he was not afraid of anybody. And again, the manager gave him a coffee.
But enough was enough. Later that day, the manager hired a bouncer named Danny. He weighed three hundred pounds and had tattoos on all visible parts of his body.