by J. R. Gray
J: Me too…
Her short response had my mind whirling. Did I make it worse?
She typed a messaged but didn’t send it. I frowned. There was a way I could hold her. I was holding back. I hadn’t yet told her. I didn’t know if I should. I trusted the contacts I’d made, including Hornsbee, but I knew those groups always had an agenda. Then there was the fear.
Her message sat there for a long time blinking on my screen. There was something she wasn’t saying.
J: You know there is a way. So why not use it?
M: It’s backdoor into a virtual network the Reds use for secret meetings.
J: Why are you so hesitant?
M: Because I’ve been told there are side effects, and it’s not always easy to get in.
I would have given anything to have a real conversation with her at that point. I didn’t know what was right or wrong.
J: Give it to me straight please. You’re not telling me why you’re hesitant. Let’s go live there.
I laughed at her reaction. I loved when she was annoyed with me.
M: Because the host has to fight through our subconscious to get there. I looked and looked, but no one has found a way around that part. Then it’s fickle, you can reject it at any point and because of the setup, your brain rejecting it and bandwidth you can’t go back right away once rejected. It couldn’t be an everyday thing.
J: Okay… That doesn’t sound horrid. Is this why you were so hesitant last night?
M: I don’t know if it’s a good idea to owe these people, J.
J: Are you scared of your mind? I’m not. It would be worth it for you.
M: Most of that will be on me as I’ll be the host and the world will run in my mind. You might get a little residual. It’s different for everyone. They couldn’t really tell me.
J: I get it now.
She could read me so well. I wasn’t surprised. She started typing again so I waited.
J: Jacob gave me the program and helped on my end. I’m not surprised, he loves those hacker types. I figured if you do it on your days off and lock yourself in your room… Or on my days off and your nights.
M: It would be nice to hold you.
J: We are losing precious days. I don’t want to miss time with you.
J: I don’t think you understand how much I need you.
The last thing I wanted was to disappoint her. I was torn between being scared of my mind and wanting to please her. I needed to race to get my head straight. Tasting death might give me enough reprieve to face this.
M: I guess we can try it.
I was like a desperate drug addict without her, but I regretted it as soon as I sent the message. She was right. My head was a mess, and I didn’t want to deal with it.
J: I can tonight. You’ll be off right?
My chest got tight.
M: Maybe we should talk about it more.
J: How many of our limited days do you want to waste?
She was right. I knew she was, but it didn’t help the wrenching in my gut.
J: You know every day you put off things with me is another day we are never going to get back. I know you’re trying to get your head straight, but think of all these days as subtracted from our total. We are here for such a limited time, and you want to keep wasting them because you’re nervous?
I said nothing. I could tell how mad she was. She only ranted when she’d been pushed to her limit.
J: I have to go soon.
J: I’m not trying to be mean, but I’ve realized I already lost you once and I don’t want to waste anymore time.
M: I’m sorry I’m scared.
J: I’m trying to hold on to anything we have left, and you’re pushing me away.
M: I’m not trying to.
J: Don’t tell me you want me. If you want me prove it, if not let me go.
She exited out of the message. I picked up my comm to throw it against the wall, but I paused and reined myself in.
M: Please don’t do this.
She didn’t reply, but I could see she read the message.
M: Jocelynn I’m begging you.
I scrubbed a hand over my face. “Fuck.” I swallowed hard. It was fear that was holding me back from her. She was right about everything. I was wasting what we had. I was an idiot.
M: Let’s do it now.
M: You’re right.
M: I’m sorry.
My hands shook as I sent the three messages in quick succession. I put my comm down when she didn’t reply right away. I felt like I was coming out of my skin. I paced the small room. What if it was too little, too late? She might have gone to her morning classes or meetings, or maybe Jacob dragged her off. He had never wanted us together. I rubbed my hands together then scrubbed them down my face. I looked at the clock. It felt like an hour had passed, but it had only been minutes.
My comm buzzed, and I dove for it, glad to see it was her replying and not Colt. I opened the message to read.
J: I can’t now.
The message hit me like a weight, and I staggered back, falling to a seat. If I waited I wouldn’t do it. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tiny device that would link me to the nets. Holding it in my palm, I typed out a message to her.
M: Get Jacob to help you with one of the pre-gen worlds. I’ll meet you there first thing in my morning. Load up the program.
Everything had already been linked by the Reds. All we had to do was load up a world and go. The words of the old man lingered in my mind. I would have to face my worst fears to get through this. I didn’t even wait for her reply. I had to do this. Not even racing helped me sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes, sleep evaded me. I tossed and turned all night. I couldn’t sleep. My mind kept coming back to one thing. What were my worst fears?
When dawn awoke me, I’d guessed I’d only gotten an hour or two of sleep, but it was now or never. I pressed the piece to the back of my neck and closed my eyes.
Chapter Thirty
Madden
Bugs, I was scared of bugs. I hated bugs. I’d opened my eyes to find myself standing in a metal hallway and my personal hell. There was a door on the far side, but it was a long way through a sea of tiny crawling things. My skin was clammy, and my hands shook at my sides. As if separated by an invisible barrier, a foot in front of me started the insects. They covered every inch of the room before me except the square foot in the back I woke in. I had a feeling the moment I stepped out it was open season, and they would swarm me.
This is the worst part, I told myself, over and over.
Jocelynn would be on the other side of those bugs. I would walk through them again and again to get to her.
This is all in your mind. It’s not real.
But it felt real. The buzzing beat of their wings filled the air. I could feel it against my face, and I twitched. It was time to get it over with. I took a breath and held it as I stepped around the barrier. I closed my eyes and mouth, covering my nose with my hand. My hood stayed up, protecting my ears as best I could. Exoskeletons crunched under feet, the sound radiating through my body worse than nails on a chalk board.
They started to land on me, crawling over my bare skin as well as clothes. The ground-bound ones clung to my feet trying to get a grip as I sprinted across the room. I stretched out one arm, searching out the wall ahead. I would run headlong into the wall on the far side, and I didn’t want to knock myself out in this room. The noise intensified around me, as if my mind made it worse the closer I got to the exit. I tried to imagine being with her as tiny legs moved over my hands. The bugs hadn’t bitten me yet, and I kept that in the back of my mind, but it didn’t diminish my fear.
My fingers smashed against the opposite wall. I tried to stop myself, skidding over the slick ground. Things crunched underfoot and against my body as I slammed into the wall. I stumbled backward, trying not to fall. I caught my balance and opened my eyes, squinting through the swarm. I leaped toward the door, grasping the handle and wrenching it open. The insects disinteg
rated as I stepped through the opening. Brushing myself off, I squirmed, still feeling them on me. I took a few slow, deep breaths convincing myself they were gone.
Why did I make it so impossible for myself? I fought my own happiness at every turn. My heart hammered against my ribcage as I turned to look at what punishment my mind offered me next. I looked down to a sheer drop lined with water and jagged stones at the bottom. Over the water was the longest rope bridge I think I’d ever seen. The boards were slick, by the look of them, with moss or some other wet substance. I scrubbed a hand over my face.
I’d almost forgotten my fear of bridges. If this had been after months in the mines it wouldn’t have bothered me so much. I dropped to my knees, knowing I couldn’t do it. I’d failed her on the second task. My own mind was preventing me from getting to her.
My head hit the cool stone floor, and I ground my teeth. We hadn’t seen each other in a week. It had been a week since I tasted her lips. She deserved more than me. This would always be a struggle. It would be hard for her to stay awake all night to be with me. It was easy enough for me on my days off work to sneak away, but she had every minute of every day planned for her.
I was wasting time. Every minute I was weak and stayed here was another one I wouldn’t get to spend with her. Forcing myself to my feet, I surveyed the bridge. The ropes were frayed from rot, and the boards were splintered and thin in places, some broken altogether.
Could I die in my own mind?
This wasn’t who I was. I had to be strong for her even if I couldn’t be for myself. I growled, forcing one foot forward to step out onto the bridge.
The wood swayed under me. It creaked and groaned but held. A light breeze picked up rocking the bridge as I took another step. I kept going, not allowing myself to look down or stop. The ropes creaked under my hands as my palms slid over them. Each step onto the moss covered boards disrupted my footing. I felt like I had to jump from board to board to avoid losing my balance. About three-fourths of the way across I started to breathe easier.
I didn’t really believe I could die in my own mind. This was all an illusion.
My body lurched forward as the board under my foot gave out. I saw the drop below for the first time. I tightened my fists on the rope and fell halfway through the open space, grasping at anything I could with my hand as the rope burned through the fingers of my other. Air rushed by me, and I screamed, begging myself to wake up. I would gladly go through the bug room again to not fall. Bile rose in my throat as I jerked to a stop, both feet dangling in the opening of the board once stood. I hung by my one arm, fingers barely grasping the rope. Bracing my hand on the board in front of my face, I found a grip for my free hand. I worked my way up slowly with both hands, until I was sitting on it.
My breathing came in ragged gasps. I had to crawl the rest of the way across the bridge. My legs were too shaky to do more than that. When I got safely to the other side, I collapsed and hugged the ground, so thankful I didn’t have to return back the way I came. I looked up and knew what was coming next, a jog through the dark. This was mild on my fear list.
I held my head high as I walked into the darkness like it was another day in the mine. Nothing could hurt me—unless the darkness was concealing another one of my fears. My skin crawled, and I felt watched by unseen eyes. Anything could be out in the darkness, but I didn’t allow myself to dwell on it. Thoughts kept popping into my head.
What if I get lost in here?
Could I be stuck here forever?
Can I die in here?
But I forced them aside. This task was as much a war with my imagination as anything. There could be a madman hiding ahead with a knife or any other weapon I would never see coming. In the end, I had to trust my brain not to kill me, which was easier said than done. It seems we never get over those childhood fears we all have. I could remember racing to my bed in the dark and jumping the last few feet as to not step near the hidden under-space. This was no different.
My outstretched hands hit rock. I blinked, trying to look around, but nothing was visible. I placed my hand on the wall. The fear I had taken a wrong turn was now eating at my insides as if I had swallowed the bugs from the first room. I followed the wall and came to a corner. Dragging my fingertips over the rough surface, I continued. In three paces I came to another corner. I took in a sharp breath. Something wasn’t right. I reached out my other arm feeling a wall. I turned frantically and to my horror found I was enclosed in a box. As I braced my hands against the walls, my fears were realized. They closed in around me. I curled into myself in the dark waiting for the end. I pressed my palm into my chest, rubbing over my heart. The fear ached, but worse than that, Jocelynn would never know what happened to me. She would never know I had died fighting my way to her. I sank to the floor and pressed my face into my knees, shaking, feeling like the air was being sucked out of the space.
“No!” I screamed.
I couldn’t die like this. I scrambled to my feet. Digging my fingers into the rock, I clawed my way up the wall.
Kicking off the ground I dragged my body higher. I didn’t stop or let my fear of heights sink in. My nails broke against the jagged stone, but I kept going ignoring the pain. Higher and higher I found handholds, and footholds in the dark. I battled against my mind until my fingers found an edge. Excitement surged through me. But I didn’t let the hope hold. I had been here longer than I’d expected. It felt like days at war with my mind, and I knew I had more to go. I hauled myself over the side, lying stretched out with my eyes closed.
When I’d calmed I pushed the heels of my hands into my eye sockets wondering what other horrors my mind would throw at me next.
“Madden?” Her voice was like the calm after a storm, and the moon in my darkness lighting the way.
Panic hit me. What if it wasn’t real? Could I handle Jocelynn as a nightmare?
Chapter Thirty-One
Jocelynn
“Madden!”
He pried his eyes open as I approached. He looked broken, bleeding from his fingertips, coated in sweat and hollow. His normally tanned skin was ashen, and I dropped to my knees in the sand at his side as he looked at me strangely.
I couldn’t make him do this for time with me. I couldn’t torture him like this. I pushed my fingers into his hair urging him closer to me.
“Convince me you’re real.” His voice cracked, and he buried his face in my lap, inhaling sharply.
I wrapped my arms around his neck curling over him. “Of course I’m real, Madden.”
He clutched at my shirt, nearly tearing the fabric. “Don’t let me go.”
“Never.” I tightened my grip, and we sat there holding each other until the tide started lapping at his feet.
He pulled his face up at the first feel of the icy water, looking me in the eyes. “Next time you need to put this place in an area with warm water.”
“I was short on time!” I laughed grabbing him by the ears to pull his lips to mine. I whispered over them. “That’s the first thing you have to say to me when you haven’t touched me in how long?”
He pushed up on his knees to dive on top of me, knocking me backward into the sand. Attacking me with kisses, he wrapped up around me. My knees fell open allowing his hips to meet mine.
“It’s been too long.” He gasped between kisses.
I parted my lips to speak, but his tongue delved into my mouth cutting me off. I nipped and sucked at it, tasting him. It was so close to what I remembered. The hint of those cloves he smoked mixed with Axel whiskey. I slid my hand from his ear into his dark locks. He didn’t lift up, pushing a hand under my ass to hold me to him as he rocked his groin over mine.
By the time we broke apart I was gasping, and heat flooded between my thighs.
“I need you,” he groaned, working his soft lips down my neck. The light dusting of facial hair on his face burned.
“I’m here.” I clung to him as emotion washed over me. “I’m not going anywhere.”
> “Promise?”
“As long as we can stay.” I didn’t know how to put into words the suffering I’d been through thinking he was really gone from my life. The thought of losing him crushed my soul. It took all the joy from my life. I was left without purpose, and nothing I’d cared about before seemed to matter.
He looked into my eyes, searching. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not okay. I lost you, by my own stupidity. I have to hold onto this because it’s all we have.”
He grabbed me by the hair and captured my mouth. We lay there in the sand reacquainting ourselves with each other.
“I have to have you.”
“Like this? Here?” I arched my back meeting his rough thrusts, feeling him harden against me.
“I don’t care how…” He flicked his tongue over the hollow of my throat. “You taste like the sea.” He skimmed his nose back up my neck, peering down at me.
I hooked a leg over his hips, not allowing any space between our bodies. “And you taste like cloves.”
He licked over his lips and narrowed his eyes. “Sorry.”
I picked my head off the sand crushing my mouth to his. “Don’t be sorry. I like it.” Sucking his lower lip into his mouth I rocked my ass, teasing my stomach over his arousal, feeling him pulse between us.
He groaned under his breath, eyes fiery as they met mine. “Are you trying to kill me?” He lifted off me a little, and I pressed my heels into the ground chasing the contact, but he hovered over me to work his fingers under the hem of my shirt. I shivered under his light touch. The sun started to dip below the horizon, casting colors across the water and sky. A light breeze picked up, drastically cooling the warm day. But I wasn’t cold. His body and touch warmed my bare skin as he inched the fabric high up. His fingertips trailed over my ribs, and I shivered.
A grin spread over his face. “Like that?”
I bit down on my lip and nodded as he slid lower replacing his hand with his mouth. My lips parted in a silent gasp as he hooked his thumbs in my shorts inching them lower.
“Yes…” My toes curled as I pulled my knees up, opening up for him further. “Too much.”