He tried to neutralize the tremor in his voice by looking anywhere but at her face. The obligation to speak was on him, but, unless he immediately began to boast, it seemed that there was nothing to say. There had never been anything casual in their previous relations--it didn't seem possible that people in this position would talk about the weather.
"This is ridiculous," he broke out in sudden embarrassment. "I don't know exactly what to do. Does my being here bother you?"
"No." The answer was both reticent and impersonally sad. It depressed him.
"Are you engaged?" he demanded.
"No."
"Are you in love with some one?"
She shook her head.
"Oh." He leaned back in his chair. Another subject seemed exhausted--the interview was not taking the course he had intended.
"Jonquil," he began, this time on a softer key, "after all that's happened between us, I wanted to come back and see you. Whatever I do in the future I'll never love another girl as I've loved you."
This was one of the speeches he had rehearsed. On the steamer it had seemed to have just the right note--a reference to the tenderness he would always feel for her combined with a non- committal attitude toward his present state of mind. Here with the past around him, beside him, growing minute by minute more heavy on the air, it seemed theatrical and stale.
She made no comment, sat without moving, her eyes fixed on him with an expression that might have meant everything or nothing.
"You don't love me any more, do you?" he asked her in a level voice.
"No."
When Mrs. Cary came in a minute later, and spoke to him about his success--there had been a half-column about him in the local paper-- he was a mixture of emotions. He knew now that he still wanted this girl, and he knew that the past sometimes comes back--that was all. For the rest he must be strong and watchful and he would see.
"And now," Mrs. Cary was saying, "I want you two to go and see the lady who has the chrysanthemums. She particularly told me she wanted to see you because she'd read about you in the paper."
They went to see the lady with the chrysanthemums. They walked along the street, and he recognized with a sort of excitement just how her shorter footsteps always fell in between his own. The lady turned out to be nice, and the chrysanthemums were enormous and extraordinarily beautiful. The lady's gardens were full of them, white and pink and yellow, so that to be among them was a trip back into the heart of summer. There were two gardens full, and a gate between them; when they strolled toward the second garden the lady went first through the gate.
And then a curious thing happened. George stepped aside to let Jonquil pass, but instead of going through she stood still and stared at him for a minute. It was not so much the look, which was not a smile, as it was the moment of silence. They saw each other's eyes, and both took a short, faintly accelerated breath, and then they went on into the second garden. That was all.
The afternoon waned. They thanked the lady and walked home slowly, thoughtfully, side by side. Through dinner too they were silent. George told Mr. Cary something of what had happened in South America, and managed to let it be known that everything would be plain sailing for him in the future.
Then dinner was over, and he and Jonquil were alone in the room which had seen the beginning of their love affair and the end. It seemed to him long ago and inexpressibly sad. On that sofa he had felt agony and grief such as he would never feel again. He would never be so weak or so tired and miserable and poor. Yet he knew that that boy of fifteen months before had had something, a trust, a warmth that was gone forever. The sensible thing--they had done the sensible thing. He had traded his first youth for strength and carved success out of despair. But with his youth, life had carried away the freshness of his love.
"You won't marry me, will you?" he said quietly.
Jonquil shook her dark head.
"I'm never going to marry," she answered.
He nodded.
"I'm going on to Washington in the morning," he said.
"Oh--"
"I have to go. I've got to be in New York by the first, and meanwhile I want to stop off in Washington."
"Business!"
"No-o," he said as if reluctantly. "There's some one there I must see who was very kind to me when I was so--down and out."
This was invented. There was no one in Washington for him to see-- but he was watching Jonquil narrowly, and he was sure that she winced a little, that her eyes closed and then opened wide again.
"But before I go I want to tell you the things that happened to me since I saw you, and, as maybe we won't meet again, I wonder if--if just this once you'd sit in my lap like you used to. I wouldn't ask except since there's no one else--yet--perhaps it doesn't matter."
She nodded, and in a moment was sitting in his lap as she had sat so often in that vanished spring. The feel of her head against his shoulder, of her familiar body, sent a shock of emotion over him. His arms holding her had a tendency to tighten around her, so he leaned back and began to talk thoughtfully into the air.
He told her of a despairing two weeks in New York which had terminated with an attractive if not very profitable job in a construction plant in Jersey City. When the Peru business had first presented itself it had not seemed an extraordinary opportunity. He was to be third assistant engineer on the expedition, but only ten of the American party, including eight rodmen and surveyors, had ever reached Cuzco. Ten days later the chief of the expedition was dead of yellow fever. That had been his chance, a chance for anybody but a fool, a marvellous chance--
"A chance for anybody but a fool?" she interrupted innocently.
"Even for a fool," he continued. "It was wonderful. Well, I wired New York--"
"And so," she interrupted again, "they wired that you ought to take a chance?"
"Ought to!" he exclaimed, still leaning back. "That I HAD to. There was no time to lose--"
"Not a minute?"
"Not a minute."
"Not even time for--" she paused.
"For what?"
"Look."
He bent his head forward suddenly, and she drew herself to him in the same moment, her lips half open like a flower.
"Yes," he whispered into her lips. "There's all the time in the world. . . ."
All the time in the world--his life and hers. But for an instant as he kissed her he knew that though he search through eternity he could never recapture those lost April hours. He might press her close now till the muscles knotted on his arms--she was something desirable and rare that he had fought for and made his own--but never again an intangible whisper in the dusk, or on the breeze of night. . . .
Well, let it pass, he thought; April is over, April is over. There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.
THE END
==========
GRETCHEN'S FORTY WINKS
by
F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)
Saturday Evening Post (15 March 1924)
I
The sidewalks were scratched with brittle leaves, and the bad little boy next door froze his tongue to the iron mail-box. Snow before night, sure. Autumn was over. This, of course, raised the coal question and the Christmas question; but Roger Halsey, standing on his own front porch, assured the dead suburban sky that he hadn't time for worrying about the weather. Then he let himself hurriedly into the house, and shut the subject out into the cold twilight.
The hall was dark, but from above he heard the voices of his wife and the nursemaid and the baby in one of their interminable conversations, which consisted chiefly of 'Don't!' and 'Look out, Maxy!' and 'Oh, there he GOES!' punctuated by wild threats and vague bumpings and the recurrent sound of small, venturing feet.
Roger turned on the hall-light and walked into the living-room and turned on the red silk lamp. He put his bulging portfolio on the table, and sitting down rested his intense young face in his hand for a few minutes, shading his e
yes carefully from the light. Then he lit a cigarette, squashed it out, and going to the foot of the stairs called for his wife.
'Gretchen!'
'Hello, dear.' Her voice was full of laughter. 'Come see baby.'
He swore softly.
'I can't see baby now,' he said aloud. 'How long 'fore you'll be down?'
There was a mysterious pause, and then a succession of 'Don'ts' and 'Look outs, Maxy' evidently meant to avert some threatened catastrophe.
'How long 'fore you'll be down?' repeated Roger, slightly irritated.
'Oh, I'll be right down.'
'How soon?' he shouted.
He had trouble every day at this hour in adapting his voice from the urgent key of the city to the proper casualness for a model home. But tonight he was deliberately impatient. It almost disappointed him when Gretchen came running down the stairs, three at a time, crying 'What is it?' in a rather surprised voice.
They kissed--lingered over it some moments. They had been married three years, and they were much more in love than that implies. It was seldom that they hated each other with that violent hate of which only young couples are capable, for Roger was still actively sensitive to her beauty.
'Come in here,' he said abruptly. 'I want to talk to you.'
His wife, a bright-coloured, Titian-haired girl, vivid as a French rag doll, followed him into the living room.
'Listen, Gretchen'--he sat down at the end of the sofa--'beginning with tonight I'm going to--What's the matter?'
'Nothing. I'm just looking for a cigarette. Go on.'
She tiptoed breathlessly back to the sofa and settled at the other end.
'Gretchen--' Again he broke off. Her hand, palm upward, was extended towards him. 'Well, what is it?' he asked wildly.
'Matches.'
'What?'
In his impatience it seemed incredible that she should ask for matches, but he fumbled automatically in his pocket.
'Thank you,' she whispered. 'I didn't mean to interrupt you. Go on.'
'Gretch--'
Scratch! The match flared. They exchanged a tense look.
Her fawn's eyes apologized mutely this time, and he laughed. After all, she had done no more than light a cigarette; but when he was in this mood her slightest positive action irritated him beyond measure.
'When you've got time to listen,' he said crossly, 'you might be interested in discussing the poorhouse question with me.'
'What poorhouse?' Her eyes were wide, startled; she sat quiet as a mouse.
'That was just to get your attention. But, beginning tonight, I start on what'll probably be the most important six weeks of my life--the six weeks that'll decide whether we're going on forever in this rotten little house in this rotten little suburban town.'
Boredom replaced alarm in Gretchen's black eyes. She was a Southern girl, and any question that had to do with getting ahead in the world always tended to give her a headache.
'Six months ago I left the New York Lithographic Company,' announced Roger, 'and went in the advertising business for myself.'
'I know,' interrupted Gretchen resentfully; 'and now instead of getting six hundred a month sure, we're living on a risky five hundred.'
'Gretchen,' said Roger sharply, 'if you'll just believe in me as hard an you can for six weeks more we'll be rich. I've got a chance now to get some of the biggest accounts in the country.' He hesitated. 'And for these six weeks we won't go out at all, and we won't have anyone here. I'm going to bring home work every night, and we'll pull down all the blinds and if anyone rings the doorbell we won't answer.'
He smiled airily as if it were a new game they were going to play. Then, as Gretchen was silent, his smile faded, and he looked at her uncertainly.
'Well, what's the matter?' she broke out finally. 'Do you expect me to jump up and sing? You do enough work as it is. If you try to do any more you'll end up with a nervous breakdown. I read about a--'
'Don't worry about me,' he interrupted; 'I'm all right. But you're going to be bored to death sitting here every evening.'
'No, I won't,' she said without conviction--'except tonight.'
'What about tonight?'
'George Tompkins asked us to dinner.'
'Did you accept?'
'Of course I did,' she said impatiently. 'Why not? You're always talking about what a terrible neighbourhood this is, and I thought maybe you'd like to go to a nicer one for a change.'
'When I go to a nicer neighbourhood I want to go for good,' he said grimly.
'Well, can we go?'
'I suppose we'll have to if you've accepted.'
Somewhat to his annoyance the conversation abruptly ended. Gretchen jumped up and kissed him sketchily and rushed into the kitchen to light the hot water for a bath. With a sigh he carefully deposited his portfolio behind the bookcase--it contained only sketches and layouts for display advertising, but it seemed to him the first thing a burglar would look for. Then he went abstractedly upstairs, dropping into the baby's room for a casual moist kiss, and began dressing for dinner.
They had no automobile, so George Tompkins called for them at 6.30. Tompkins was a successful interior decorator, a broad, rosy man with a handsome moustache and a strong odour of jasmine. He and Roger had once roomed side by side in a boarding-house in New York, but they had met only intermittently in the past five years.
'We ought to see each other more,' he told Roger tonight. 'You ought to go out more often, old boy. Cocktail?'
'No, thanks.'
'No? Well, your fair wife will--won't you, Gretchen?'
'I love this house,' she exclaimed, taking the glass and looking admiringly at ship models. Colonial whisky bottles, and other fashionable débris of 1925.
'I like it,' said Tompkins with satisfaction. 'I did it to please myself, and I succeeded.'
Roger stared moodily around the stiff, plain room, wondering if they could have blundered into the kitchen by mistake.
'You look like the devil, Roger,' said his host. 'Have a cocktail and cheer up.'
'Have one,' urged Gretchen.
'What?' Roger turned around absently. 'Oh, no, thanks. I've got to work after I get home.'
'Work!' Tompkins smiled. 'Listen, Roger, you'll kill yourself with work. Why don't you bring a little balance into your life-- work a little, then play a little?'
'That's what I tell him,' said Gretchen.
'Do you know an average business man's day?' demanded Tompkins as they went in to dinner. 'Coffee in the morning, eight hours' work interrupted by a bolted luncheon, and then home again with dyspepsia and a bad temper to give the wife a pleasant evening.'
Roger laughed shortly.
'You've been going to the movies too much,' he said dryly.
'What?' Tompkins looked at him with some irritation. 'Movies? I've hardly ever been to the movies in my life. I think the movies are atrocious. My opinions on life are drawn from my own observations. I believe in a balanced life.'
'What's that?' demanded Roger.
'Well'--he hesitated--'probably the best way to tell you would be to describe my own day. Would that seem horribly egotistic?'
'Oh, no!' Gretchen looked at him with interest. 'I'd love to hear about it.'
'Well, in the morning I get up and go through a series of exercises. I've got one room fitted up as a little gymnasium, and I punch the bag and do shadow-boxing and weight-pulling for an hour. Then after a cold bath--There's a thing now! Do you take a daily cold bath?'
'No,' admitted Roger, 'I take a hot bath in the evening three or four times a week.'
A horrified silence fell. Tompkins and Gretchen exchanged a glance as if something obscene had been said.
'What's the matter?' broke out Roger, glancing from one to the other in some irritation. 'You know I don't take a bath every day-- I haven't got the time.'
Tompkins gave a prolonged sigh.
'After my bath,' he continued, drawing a merciful veil of silence over the matter, 'I have breakfast an
d drive to my office in New York, where I work until four. Then I lay off, and if it's summer I hurry out here for nine holes of golf, or if it's winter I play squash for an hour at my club. Then a good snappy game of bridge until dinner. Dinner is liable to have something to do with business, but in a pleasant way. Perhaps I've just finished a house for some customer, and he wants me to be on hand for his first party to see that the lighting is soft enough and all that sort of thing. Or maybe I sit down with a good book of poetry and spend the evening alone. At any rate, I do something every night to get me out of myself.'
'It must be wonderful,' said Gretchen enthusiastically. 'I wish we lived like that.'
Tompkins bent forward earnestly over the table.
'You can,' he said impressively. 'There's no reason why you shouldn't. Look here, if Roger'll play nine holes of golf every day it'll do wonders for him. He won't know himself. He'll do his work better, never get that tired, nervous feeling--What's the matter?'
He broke off. Roger had perceptibly yawned.
'Roger,' cried Gretchen sharply, 'there's no need to be so rude. If you did what George said, you'd be a lot better off.' She turned indignantly to their host. 'The latest is that he's going to work at night for the next six weeks. He says he's going to pull down the blinds and shut us up like hermits in a cave. He's been doing it every Sunday for the last year; now he's going to do it every night for six weeks.'
Tompkins shook his head sadly.
'At the end of six weeks,' he remarked, 'he'll be starting for the sanatorium. Let me tell you, every private hospital in New York is full of cases like yours. You just strain the human nervous system a little too far, and bang!--you've broken something. And in order to save sixty hours you're laid up sixty weeks for repairs.' He broke off, changed his tone, and turned to Gretchen with a smile. 'Not to mention what happens to you. It seems to me it's the wife rather than the husband who bears the brunt of these insane periods of overwork.'
'I don't mind,' protested Gretchen loyally.
'Yes, she does,' said Roger grimly; 'she minds like the devil. She's a shortsighted little egg, and she thinks it's going to be forever until I get started and she can have some new clothes. But it can't be helped. The saddest thing about women is that, after all, their best trick is to sit down and fold their hands.'
All the Sad Young Men Page 18