Volition

  “Fate chose wrong.”

  “So did we.”

  This is the best and worst conversation I’ve ever had in my life, and it’s cut short when Colin barges into the room.

  Now

  STEAK AND POTATOES. That’s what I want for my last meal when they put me in prison for manslaughter because I’m going to kill Jesse Elliott today. I probably contributed to killing my best friend for her, and I would do it again a thousand times. I’ve wanted to kill Jesse ever since he transferred to our high school to torture Tate, and today, I’m going to exact my revenge. Yeah, steak and potatoes sounds good. Add some gravy. Maybe some apple pie for dessert.

  I let the idiot talk to Tate like she’s his last meal on death row because I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry that he’s such a stupid kid. My hands felt good around his neck, and I’m going to finish him off in two minutes.

  “Colin!”

  Catherine’s on the floor, and I think he might only have one minute now.

  “Did he hurt you?”

  I pull her to her feet.

  “No,” she says, putting a hand on her head. “I just can’t deal with the stress. We were already going to have a hard time getting her down the aisle, and now, he’s here. I think we’d better call Hayden.”

  My phone is already in my hand, and I’m dialing his number. He answers on the first ring.

  “Hayden. Two-forty-six in the Palace. Now. Sorry about tradition, buddy, but you’re going to see your bride in her dress before the wedding. He’s here.”

  He doesn’t say anything, but he hangs up the phone, so I know he’s on his way. Between the two of us, Elliott is definitely dead.

  I hand Catherine a glass of water, and she sits down.

  “I’m so over this! I can’t stand him!”

  I sit down next to her to try to explain because I understand Tate better than she does.

  “Imagine if you hated me, but you loved me with all your heart at the same time.”

  “You just described our relationship.”

  I can’t help but kiss her. I love this woman.

  I look at my phone, and I’m not sure if I’ve given him the amount of time that I promised, but I’m going in anyway. I already gave him more than he deserves.

  “All right.” I shove through the door. “Time’s up.”

  Tate’s eyes are red, and I know this was a terrible idea. We should have had a Jesse-proof backup plan, but the bastard wormed his way here anyway.

  “Say good-bye, Tate.”

  I grab the back of his suit jacket, and I can almost taste that steak.

  “No!”

  Oh shit. We’ve lost her.

  “He’s staying,” she tells me.

  I don’t release him.

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “I think I just hallucinated.”

  “He’s going to walk me down the aisle,” she explains.

  She knows I’m going to be mad at her for more than one reason because that was supposed to be my job. I’ll have to break that to Hayden. On the bright side, now, I can walk with Catherine since Hayden doesn’t have a best man out of respect for John because it would have been him.

  “Are you still going to marry Hayden?”

  “Am I still alive? Then, yes, I’m marrying Hayden.”

  “Okay, Artemisia, go for it.”

  Might as well let them have their fun if it gets her from point A to point B. I let go of Jesse, and he falls into the wall. I laugh smugly, and the suite door shuts with a bang.

  Good. Tate’s fiancé is here to see her cavorting with someone who inhabits her soul less than thirty minutes before their wedding. This should go well.

  Now

  TATE.

  Evaline.

  McKenna.

  Rockefeller.

  That’s all I want.

  She’s all I’ve ever wanted and so much more.

  And now, this kid is here, trying to ruin everything. I can hardly remember a time that hasn’t been ruined by him or by Tate thinking about him.

  I don’t remember walking across the street to the Palace because rage blinded me to everything else.

  I didn’t want to see Tate before the wedding because we’d already broken one taboo by having her stay at my house last night. Part of me wanted her close enough that she wouldn’t run away and because I knew he was near.

  He needs to leave.

  “You,” I say when I see him standing next to her. I don’t have time to look at my beautiful maelstrom of a bride because he’s here. “Get the fuck out.”

  He doesn’t move, and I look at Colin.

  Each of us grabs a shoulder, and we hoist him out of the room.

  “No!”

  Tate’s screaming now.

  “Don’t hurt him! Just talk to him. Hear him out.”

  I don’t think there’s anything he could say to me right now that would help his case, but because she’s asked and because she’s still in her wedding dress and wearing the ring that I put on her finger, I don’t throw him out.

  Colin nods at me and leaves the room while Catherine rushes into the dressing room with Tate.

  Then, I’m left alone with the person who is single-handedly responsible for destroying her.

  “Did you really think you could come here and take her?”

  “Yes,” he answers more honestly than I expected.

  “Why?”

  “Because she’s always been mine.”

  “Now, she’s mine.”

  “No one will ever know her like I know her,” he says.

  I want to crush his face in. Then, I want to pick up all the broken pieces of his bones and grind them into dust.

  “Really? You know the way that she won’t eat half of the okra because it looks awful or how she climbs on the kitchen countertops instead of getting a stool or how she doesn’t shut the cabinets when she’s done and leaves them all open?”

  He doesn’t reply.

  “Do you know what side of the bed she sleeps on or what she looks like when she tells you she loves you?”

  Silence, because he doesn’t.

  “Do you know what it feels like when she kisses you at night or first thing when she wakes up in the morning? Do you know what it’s like to look at her, and every time you see her, you notice something new that you didn’t notice before? Was it always there? Were you just not looking hard enough? Or could you not see it before that very moment because she’s brilliant enough to only reveal so much at a time, and she doesn’t even know she’s doing it?”

  I’m rubbing salt and lemon juice into every wound he’s ever had. He wants to kill me, but he couldn’t even if he tried. He might look different, but he’s still that kid who ruined Tate all those years ago. I won’t let him ruin her again.

  “You may have her bones, but I’ll always have her soul.”

  Oh, he’s a poet now.

  “I can live with that, but it’s not true.”

  The door to the dressing room opens, and Tate bursts out.

  “Stop it! I’m mine before I am anyone else’s!”

  She’s incandescently beautiful.

  I smile because I know that’s another line she’s been waiting to use her whole life, and we’ve just given her the perfect opportunity.

  Now

  “TATE, BREATHE. YOU have to breathe, or else you’re going to pass out. I just passed out, so when I tell you to breathe, you need to breathe.”

  “You just fainted? Are you okay?”

  “I saw Jesse. Seriously, breathe!”

  “Okay, okay!”

  She’s doing better now, but I know this is seriously shaking her. I have to give her the pep talk I planned out with Colin last night with a few improvisations.

  “You’re going to go out there, and you’re going to marry Hayden,” I tell her. “You’re going to promise him forever. He’s the love of your life, Tate. I’ve never seen a man look at a woman the way Hayden looks at you. I am not going to let you throw that away.<
br />
  “Jesse just gave you permission, if you can even call it that, to release you from this thing you have with him whether you like it or not. He’s willing to let go or let go of it as much as he can, so you can both live a normal life, and you have to hold up your end. I’m not going to let you flounder on and ruin this beautiful life you can have with this beautiful man. When I see your future, I see you and Hayden and adorable little children running around. That’s the potential you have even though you hate children because you’re scared you’ll die or turn into Lara. You won’t.”

  I pause because she’s crying now.

  “Your other potential is to throw yourself in the Hudson—and don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. I know you. That’s about it. I love you. Hayden loves you. Jesse loves you so much that he’s willing to let you go because it’s what’s best for you. You’ve spent enough time chained to this satanic bond you have with him. We’re only given so much time on this earth, and you need to start living it differently than you have been, or you’re going to be your own destruction.”

  I hand her another tissue.

  “I desire the things that destroy me in the end,” Tate says, staring at the wall.

  Colin would know what that quote is from, but I don’t, so I do my best.

  “Be with someone who is going to ruin your lipstick, not your mascara. So, suck it up, dry your tears, and say yes to the rest of your life.”

  I’m really proud of my speech, and I think I’ve done it, but then Tate’s running from the room before I can stop her. I follow her as she shouts at Hayden and Jesse to move out of the way. She runs past Colin, Malin, and Haley outside the suite, then glides down the steps and out the back door of the Palace.

  Then, she’s spinning around in the rain, looking up into the sky, ruining her hair, her makeup, and her wedding dress.

  I don’t know what else I expected from my best friend.

  Now

  TATE IS OUTSIDE in the rain, spinning around like she’s insane because she is. She’s beautifully insane.

  I’m proud of her that she can be in the rain instead of breaking down, but now, we’re definitely going to be late, and I have to go tell my mother and the rest of the wedding guests that we’re going to be delayed.

  I look to Catherine, who is now pulling at Tate to try to get her back inside.

  “We’ve got her. Go wait for her at the end of that aisle,” Colin says as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

  I nod my thanks to him and button my suit jacket, and then I’m running across the street to the cathedral. Several cameras flash in my face, and I text my PR rep, Amanda, to make sure she’s on it.

  Tate doesn’t need any more humiliation than what she’s already endured.

  I have no idea where Jesse is, but I hope he’s gone. I hope I never see his face again after today, and now, I understand how Tate feels about Jasmine. To see all your pain wrapped up in one person is not an easy task.

  To have that person walk the love of your life to you before you’re tied forever seems impossible, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough.

  I look at my left hand, and I see Tate’s name scrawled on my finger. She put that there. She wants to be there.

  I have to be strong enough.

  I smile because I know that after today, she’ll be free of him.

  This is the last thing she needs to be free, and I need to give that to her.

  I’m strong enough because she loves me.

  She loves me.

  Now

  “TATE, IF YOU don’t come inside with me right now, I’m going to pick you up against your will. Do you understand me?”

  She looks at me with a face I’ve never seen before.

  “Tate,” I ask, “do you want to get married today?”

  She nods her head and looks up at the sky one more time.

  “Okay,” she says finally. “I need to dry off.”

  “That would be the understatement of the year.”

  Catherine helps me herd her upstairs, and we’re all dripping wet. We pass Jesse, who is standing on the landing, overlooking the first floor.

  “You stay here,” I tell him, pointing a finger sharply in his face. I don’t want him anywhere near Tate while we clean her up.

  “What do you need, Cath?” I ask.

  Malin and Haley let us into the suite.

  “Hairdryers,” she says, pulling Tate into the dressing room. “So many hairdryers.”

  I can do that.

  I’m out of the room and down the stairs, taking them three at a time, while the girls clean Tate up.

  Now

  I’VE BEEN EXILED to the hallway like a bad child.

  I not only completely failed at what I came here to do, but now, I’m walking Tate down the aisle to marry another man.

  I am so incredibly stupid.

  Jasmine isn’t the same. I know she loves me, but even she deserves better.

  I’m attracted to her, but she was just an interim Tate replacement to begin with. She wasn’t supposed to be anything more.

  Jasmine is comfortable.

  I’m not in love with her. She’s not my soul mate.

  Tate is.

  She never talked about it, and I didn’t either, but there was always something just behind Tate’s eyes that gave her away. It looked a lot like fear, so I stayed close enough to make sure she was safe, but far enough away that nothing would ever happen between us.

  Jasmine liked me, and she made sure I knew it in every way that Tate had held back.

  She was supposed to make me forget.

  She was supposed to be the thing that freed me from Tate after I spent my entire life trying to get away from her.

  Neither of us understood what we had. We just knew it couldn’t be. We’re not good for each other. We’d never agree on anything. We’re the same, but we’re so, so different.

  So, I tried to pretend like it didn’t exist even though Tate couldn’t. She craved our connection, and I wanted her to have it only in theory, so that she wouldn’t feel the pain when we crashed and burned.

  I never wanted to see her hurt, but I was young, too. No one left me an instruction manual. Sometimes, I did the best I could, and sometimes, I did the worst because whatever ties me to Tate makes me feel evil. It makes me want to ruin everything, but I tried to fight it. I tried to make the best of things for her, which meant that I never acknowledged our connection after I figured out it was there. If I ever said anything to her, she’d never let it go. She’d never let me go.

  Instead, it backfired, and I forced Tate to move on, and now, she’s doing the same to me.

  We’ve wrecked this for ourselves, and now, I have to think about it every day for the rest of my miserable life.

  Jasmine deserves better.

  I deserve better.

  Tate got better.

  The Rockefeller Prince wins it all.

  I fucked up.

  Bad.

  I’VE ALWAYS BEEN an unusual girl. I think back on all the big moments of my life, and they all come down to Jesse. I made them about Jesse even if they weren’t. I did that to myself. I tortured myself. He was always my constant, and I couldn’t let go of him. I’ve always been afraid of what would happen if I let go of Jesse or if he decided to let go of me for good. I know it’s because memories don’t change when everything else does, and Jesse is the physical representation of so many memories in my life.

  Now, on my wedding day, I finally have the ability to grasp and understand what Catherine said to me in the dressing room about letting go and moving on.

  When I was little, Jesse was my friend. When we got older and more aware of what we had, he was my what-if. He was always a question, never an answer. He was the dark cloud that hung over my life because he was unfinished. We were like two identical pieces from different edges of the puzzle. We were the same, but we’d never fit together. That’s the thing about puzzles though. They start off rough, and eventually, they come
together. It’s frustrating, and you think you’re never going to solve it, but eventually, you do. Now, it’s solved. Now, he needs to be my whatever until he can be my friend again, if that’s possible. Maybe it’s not.

  I don’t know why I was put on this earth, and I don’t know my purpose yet. I do know that ship has sailed to be with Jesse, and it has to be different now. I can’t look at him like I’m in love with him because I’m not. I can’t think about the fact that he’s changed because it doesn’t matter. I have to completely remove him from the equation of my life, if that’s even possible, because it’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to him. It’s not fair to Hayden.

  None of it is fair, but that’s life.

  I want to be happy.

  Catherine has just given me the best talk of her entire life, and she’s known for her advice. She stops speaking, and I can hear Hayden and Jesse outside, arguing about me.

  They both have valid points, but Hayden is right. He knows me. He knows me inside and out as a person, and we’ve lived at my apartment and his together for the past year and a half. Everything about me is familiar to him, and it’s taken time for me to understand it. He loves me.

  I know he feels for me what I’ve felt for Jesse my whole life, and I’m honored that such a beautiful person could love me like that. I thought I was ruined for anyone but Jesse, and that’s how I was treating myself. I felt like a dead animal on the side of the road because that’s how I felt when Jesse rejected me for years.

  Now, it’s exceedingly clear when I stare at both of them and tell them I don’t belong to either of them.

  Then, I run, for the last time but for good reason.

  It’s raining outside, and I’m grateful.

  I run outside and into the rain, so it can wash me clean of everything up until this moment. I want to let go of everything I’ve been keeping inside, so I let the gray sky open up to give me an unorthodox baptismal cleansing.

  I think about starting fresh first and my dress and hair second. I can feel my mascara seeping into my eyes and burning them, but it feels good. It means everything is being wiped away.