by Nic Sheff
Something like that.
Anyway, this blog, I guess, is supposed to be a continuation of that process and that’s definitely my goal with it. I’m committed to being totally honest with y’all—in so much as I can be honest with myself. I guess I’ll try to just make this like a journal and hope that there’s something useful and interesting in that.
The problem is, I’m fucking crazy. I’m not saying that lightly, either. I mean, I really am fucking crazy as hell. In the time period since my book ended—which was with me getting into that final treatment center in Arizona—I’ve continued to make a total catastrophic disaster of my life. I’ve continued to hurt everyone who cares about me. I’ve continued not to face the truth about myself and my addiction and my mental illness and whatever. I’ve continued to run away from pain and hard work.
I’m a fucking selfish cunt.
I hate myself and I want to die.
At least, sometimes.
Right now, you know, today, I’m at a point where if I don’t face my shit I’m gonna be fucking 30 years old before I know it and still repeating these same fucked-up behaviors and still completely rotting away inside.
So this is my moment. This is my moment to look inside and tell the truth and start dealing with all this shit in me I’ve been denying since I was little.
Let me tell you where I’m at now. I guess that’s a good place to start.
Oh, but before I do, I should mention that a lot of what I think I know to be true today will probably be different tomorrow. It’ll definitely be different in a month from now. I mean, a month ago I almost ran off to go be with this girl and join a religious cult in Redding. Then I thought I’d get back together with my ex-girlfriend. Then I moved in with my mom who just left her husband. Then I moved back in with my current girlfriend. Somewhere in that time I relapsed. I mean, just on pills and medical marijuana, but still.
Anyway, I got myself into treatment and now I’m back and working with a therapist and psychiatrist and doing an outpatient group. Yesterday I thought I needed to leave my girlfriend. Today I’m not sure. So do you get what I’m saying? I’m fucking sick as fuck.
And, well, I hope I’m finally at a place where I can start working to move forward and heal and find some kinda peace within myself.
As of now that seems pretty far off.
Okay, okay, let me try to explain everything.
I’m starting with today.
Oh, fucker, one more thing, I’m just gonna use letters for everyones’ names ’cause that’s easy and requires no creativity at all.
Okay, sorry.
I live with my girlfriend, Y, right?
The truth is, I don’t really know if I’m in love with her.
That’s a fucked up place to be.
READING GROUP GUIDE FOR TWEAK
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
What are some of the reasons Nic gives for turning to drugs? What are his insecurities? In what ways do the drugs help him to escape them?
Is Nic happy when he is on drugs? Does he enjoy his life at these times? What does he mean when he calls his addiction a “horrible vicious cycle”?
When Nic relapses in L.A. in the second part of the book, what is his reason for using again? Were the other people in his life surprised that he relapsed? Was he? Did you see the relapse coming? Why or why not?
What does Nic want from his father? Why does his father react to Nic the way he does? How much do you think Nic's childhood relationship with his father contributed to his addiction?
What does it mean for Nic to give himself over to a higher power? Why is it so difficult for him to do this?
A number of the people in the book come close to dying—Lauren ODs on heroin, Spencer gets meningitis, and Nic suffers through various overdoses and infections. How do these brushes with death affect Nic's outlook on life? Does he ever believe that any of these people are actually going to die? How does Nic react when Jordan really does die?
Discuss Nic’s relationship with Zelda. Why is he so drawn to her? Why does everyone in Nic's life caution him against becoming involved with her? How does she contribute to his addiction? Is there anything healthy about their relationship?
What causes Nic to get help each time he relapsed? What does hitting bottom look like for him? Why is his stay at Safe Passage more effective than his other attempts at rehab? Do you think it's because of what they do there, or what led up to his going there…or both?
Nic's addiction—and attempts at rehab—make him part of a specific subculture, one with its own language, values, and network of people. Why does this aspect of the drug culture appeal to him? Would you consider the friends that he makes while using to be good friends?
Nic mentions many times that he feels worthless, and that his addiction has caused him to irreparably damage his relationships with others. Do the actions of his friends and family back this up? Do they treat him as though he has no worth? Does anyone give him unconditional love?
ACTIVITIES
Nic finds strength to stay sober in his family, his writing, and other aspects of his life. Identify the people, hobbies, and beliefs in your own life that you rely on for strength when going through a tough time.
Tweak covers less than two years of Nic's life, yet offers a lot of insight into him as a person. Write your own memoir, choosing a period of your life that you feel represents who you truly are.
Learning CPR ends up being an important skill for Nic. Find a CPR or first aid class in your community and sign up to get certified.
Exercise is very helpful to Nic when he is sober—it burns excess energy and helps him feel focused. Dust off your bike, join a gym, go for a hike, or run around the block. Find a form of exercise that helps you to feel focused and strong.
Nic's body goes through a lot when he is in detox. Research what happens to the body when drugs are being used, and the physiology of detoxification.
Spencer believes very strongly that helping others is an important part of sobriety, as it distracts you from your own problems and desires. Look around your community and decide how you can lend a hand. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, raise money for a cause that you believe in, or even help your parents around the house.
Evaluate your beliefs about drug and alcohol use and reflect on your own experiences or those of friends. Visit checkyourself.com to connect with other teens and share stories about the impact of drugs and alcohol.
If you are an addict or alcoholic, or are involved with someone who is an addict or alcoholic, here are some places to get help.
Alanon and Alateen
www.al-anon.org
www.al-anon.org/alateen.html
Nar-Anon
www.nar-anon.org
Alcoholics Anonymous
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org
Narcotics Anonymous
www.na.org
Partnership for a Drugfree America
www.drugfree.org
National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA)
ncadi.samhsa.gov/features/family
National Institute on Drug Abuse for Teens
teens.drugabuse.gov