I held her to me and she cried into my chest.
""Why can't he be a good father?"" she said.
""The hell with him,"" I said.
He took custody of her each weekend, rather than once a month, because it meant less child support he had to pay out. I didn't understand how that all worked but it was what it was.
""She really likes you,"" Olivia said, ""she's quite taken with you. She usually doesn’t like the men I date.""
I wanted to remind her that the men she saw in the past were all brainless thugs or jerks, but I knew better. I had no idea who they were. This is what Ella told me: ""They're all big like cavemen,"" she said, ""and they're never very smart. I don’t know what my mom sees in them.""
""Why is that?"" Olivia asked.
""Why is what,"" I said. I was too occupied with my memories.
""Why is she so fond of you?"" she said. ""Are you fond of her?""
""You know that I am.""
""I'm happy about that…""
""I adore her,"" I said, ""I love the both of you.""
""Oh, oh,"" she said, and she pressed her face into my chest.
""I hate what she has to go through,"" she said, ""what she has to go through when she has to go to her father's house.""
""I know,"" I said, and that made me very sad. ""I don't like it either.""
""I don’t know what to do.""
""We can do something.""
""When I think about it,"" she said, ""I just drink.""
***
We were drinking too much, when we were together. That was a revelation for me. Olivia wanted to match me drink for drink, beer for beer, the result being a bad hangover in the morning, something she blamed me for.
""Why do I drink so much with you?"" she would say. ""Why don't you stop me from getting drunk?""
***
Ella's father had remarried two years ago. His new wife did not like Ella. Ella had her own room at his house. She stayed in the room most weekends and read books. Her favorite writers were Tolkein and Le Guin. I would read to her, out loud, passages from Lord of the Rings or the Earthsea books. Reading was her escape from the unhappiness she felt when at her dad's house. If he wasn't ignoring her, his wife was mean to her. That's what Ella said, anyway; she told her mother this, and told me thatis: her father's wife (her "’stepmonster"’) was jealous. She could not conceive. They were trying to have a baby and it wasn't happening and when Ella's evil stepmother looked at Ella, she saw everything she wanted but could not have.
***
When I thought about Olivia's life, all I could think about was choices and the many bad ones she made.
And I thought about my many choices, my past, and when I did, I thought about Jennifer, and I thought about Karin, and I thought about Terrie; and I thought about how I hoped I wouldn't fuck things up with Olivia the way I had fucked things up before.
***
And so came the day when things got a bit messy.
It was a Saturday morning and I had a mild hangover which was not unusual. I had had varied degrees of hangovers every morning for the past fifteen years.
The doorbell rang.
Ella was there, alone, with a stuffed backpack and a heartbreaking look on her small, pink face, the sort of countenance best reserved for the most tragic of women in history.
Pain.
""Ella,"" I said.
""Fake stepdad,"" she said, walking past me and sitting on the couch, ""please help me. Can you help me? I need your help.""
""Where's your mom?""
""Mom…is at home.""
It was 12:15 p.m. Her father picked her up at noon each Saturday, and returned her to Olivia on Monday evening, usually after school, if there was school.
I realized that Olivia did not bring her here.
""Wait a minute,"" I said. ""You're supposed to be - —what are you doing here, Ella? How did you get here?""
I sat down on the floor, looking at her, knowing there was trouble.
""Ella,"" I said.
""I took the bus,"" she said.
""What do you mean you took the bus?""
""I know how to get here,"" she said. ""I told my mom that I was going to the store to get some chips and soda. She gave me some change. I used the change to get on the bus and come here.""
""Why?""
""I don't want to go to my dad's,"" she said; her voice started to become desperate. ""I hate it there., I really hate it. Can I stay here? Can I hide here? I'll just hide and my dad won't care…he'll be happy he doesn't have to bother with me.""
I closed my eyes. ""Oh, Ella.""
""Did I do something wrong?""
""You can't do this,"" I said. ""You're supposed to be in your father's custody. I could get in trouble, you know. I could get into a lot of trouble, you being here. It looks funny.""
""What do you mean?"" she asked.
""It’s complicated.""
""So? Tell me.""
""Your father could cause trouble for me.""
""I hate him.""
""No you don't.""
""I hate his wife then,"" she said.
""Your mother's is going to flip out,"" I said.
The phone rang.
""That's probably her.""
""Don't tell her I'm here!"" she said.
""I can't do that,"" I said.
Ella slumped in the couch. She knew I was right.
""I'm sorry, fake stepdad,"" she said.
""It's okay,"" I said and answered the phone.
""Oh God, Paul, I don't know what's going on,"" Olivia said. ""I'm - —I'm - —Ella…—""
""She's here,"" I said.
""What?""
""Ella is here.""
""What the hell is she doing there?""
""Well,"" I said.
""My ex- is pissed.""
***
I drove Ella back to her home.
""Are you going to marry my mom?"" she asked.
""Why do you ask?""
""Are you?""
""Do you want me to?""
""Yes.""
""Would you want me to be your real step dad?""
""Can you be my real dad?""
That was the most pitiful question anyone had ever asked me. If Jennifer had had the baby, the child would be around Ella's age now.
""I can,"" I said.
""Will you marry my mom?""
""That's something you need to ask your mom.""
""I think she wants you to.""
""You think?""
""I never know what is going on in her mind.""
""You and me both, kiddo.""
""Sometimes she embarrasses me.""
""That happens.""
""Sometimes she makes me….""
She didn't have to say it.
""That happens,"" I told her.
""She cries a lot, in her room. In the middle of the night. I hear her. She cries.""
I didn't know that.
""And she drinks a lot.""
I did know that.
***
Olivia and her ex-husband, Dan, were waiting outside when I pulled the car up. Dan's wife was sitting in his beat-up Pinto. She wore thick glasses. She glared at me and Ella and I felt my skin start to crawl.
""Ella!"" Olivia said, going to her. I could tell she was trying not to let Dan know anything. She patted Ella's backpack. ""You have everything?""
""Yeah,"" Ella said.
She was meek in front of her father.
""What's going on here?"" Dan said. ""It's 12:40.""
""I'm sorry, man, I'm really sorry,"" I told him. ""I took her out to breakfast and wasn't looking at the clock.""
""She's mine at noon,"" he said.
""I'm really sorry.""
""It's not his fault, Dad,"" Ella said. ""It's mine. I…—""
""Get in the car, girl,"" he said.
""Dan,"" Olivia said.
""Ella. Get in the car!""
Ella nodded and shuffled towa
rd the Pinto, getting in back. Dan's wife stared at us.
""What the fuck is going on here?"" Dan said to Olivia.
""Don't start,"" she said.
""What are you trying to do? You trying to take my little girl away from me?""
""No,"" I said.
He got into my face. ""Are we going to have a problem?""
""No,"" I said.
""Dan,"" Olivia said.
He had a smirk on his face and I wanted to slap it off him. He turned around, got into the Pinto and drove off.
I heard him say to Ella, ""He is not your father!""
Olivia and I stood there. She was looking at me like…I don’t know.
""This is just great, Paul, great,"" she said.
She went into her place. I followed her to the kitchen. She got two beers out of the fridge, handed me one. She drank half a bottle in one gulp.
""I don't need this sort of thing in my life,"" she said.
""I didn't do anything wrong.""
""I know you didn't.""
""But?""
""I don’t need my goddamn fucking ex-husband giving me grief,"" she said.
""Fuck him,"" I said.
""I did and I got knocked up.""
She finished her beer and got another.
""Olivia, it's not even one o'clock.""
""So. It's my free day. I can do what I want. And I want to drink,"" she said.
""I want to get drunk. Is any other weekend different?"" she said.
We usually didn't start drinking until later in the day, but what the hell.
""Hold me?"" she said. ""Paul Augustine?""
I held her in my arms and she cried.
""She's too fond of you.""
""Is that a bad thing?""
She said, ""I don't know.""
XV.
I could hear them in their kitchen: the married couple that lived next door. She was cooking sloppy joes for dinner and they were arguing about money and bills.
""Isn't that something,"" Olivia said. ""They're at it all the time.""
""How old are they?"" I asked.
""Forties or fifties,"" she said. ""They've been married forever.""
They were arguing about what they did and did not have in the bank.
""I hate you,"" said the woman.
""Finish making dinner and shut the fuck up,"" said the man.
""Oh God,"" Olivia said. She stuck her face into my neck and I touched her long blonde hair. I thought she was going to cry again. She did not cry again.
She said, ""If I stayed married to Dan, I would have been that woman.""
""The hell with your dinner!"" yelled the woman. ""Come and get it, asshole!""
""Crazy bitch you,"" said the man.
""Oh,"" Olivia said.
""The heck with those people,"" I said, ""we are not those people.""
We were in bed. We'd been drinking and making love all day and it was night. We'd drink and make love more and pretend our lives were different.
Olivia was in a mood still, after the incident with Ella and her ex-husband. We got to that point where we talked about the past, and the other people we had slept with and loved or hated.
""The boy who got me pregnant when I was fifteen, I was terribly in love with him,"" she said. ""He was seventeen. He was the first. He was the only. I had images in my head. Bliss, happy forever, happy ending, me and him and our little baby. When I told him, when I told him I was pregnant, he said, 'Who got you pregnant?' I said, 'Who do you think?' He said, 'You're a whore.' I said, 'I've only been with you.' He said, 'I don’t believe you.' He said, 'That's not my baby in your gut,' and he hit me, he hit me in the face, and then he hit me in the chest, and then he kicked me in the leg and I fell on the ground and he kicked me again and he said, 'If you tell people that it's mine, I'll kill you.' I couldn’t believe this was happening. Here he was, there he was;: the boy I loved and would love forever, and he was hurting me, he was kicking me and hitting me and threatening to murder me and denying that he ever fucked me - —I mean, I gave my virginity to him - —and I thought this was a nightmare, I thought: This cannot be happening. I thought: ‘The boy I loved and who loved me would never do this, would never.’ And then I knew. I knew he only said he loved me so he could get into my pants, so he could stick his cock in me, and that was all, all he wanted was pussy, and he got it, and this was the price I had to pay for wanting love.""
""So you had an abortion.""
""I told my mother,"" she said. ""I didn’t know where else to turn. When I told her, she said, 'Oh, Olivia.' 'Oh, Olivia.' She shook her head and she sighed and she rolled her eyes and she goes, 'Oh, Olivia.' I didn't know what to do. She said, 'I know a doctor who can help.'""
I wish I knew that doctor for Amber; we wouldn’t have had to go down to Tijuana.
""And then I tried to kill myself,"" she said.
""Sssh,"" I said.
""I really did want that baby,"" she said.
""Okay,"" I said, ""don't…""
""I knew he was a boy,"" she said, ""and today we would be…today he would be…today he would be in high school…""
She cried but she only cried a little. She reached for the warm beer on the nightstand.
""Your first love?"" she asked.
""I had many first loves,"" I said. I was trying to be funny.
""Once you said,"" she said.
""Jennifer,"" I said.
""She had a miscarriage,"" she said.
""She did, yes,"" I said.
""Did you want the baby? I think you wanted the baby.""
I told her about Amber and Tijuana.
""You never told me about her,"" Olivia said.
""There was no need.""
""And it wasn't yours?""
""No.""
""If she had given birth, would you have helped her?""
""Maybe,"" I said. ""Probably.""
""Did you love her?""
""No.""
""Did you love Karin?""
""Yes.""
""Did you love the married woman? Tracy?""
""Terrie.""
""Did you?""
""I don't know.""
""How many girls have you loved?"" she asked.
""How many men have you loved?"" I asked.
""I don't want to talk about it,"" she said.
""Why are we talking about any of this anyway?"" I said.
""I don't know,"" she said.
""Did you ever love Dan?""
""I told myself I did, when I was pregnant,"" she said, ""but I never really loved him, even though I married him.""
""Why did you ever get together with him?""
""Because he was nice, he seemed nice,"" she said, ""he didn't hit me, at least.""
""The men in your life hit you? All of them?""
""A lot of them,"" she said.
""I won't ever,"" I said.
""I know,"" she said. ""Have you ever hit a woman?""
""No.""
""I think he hits her,"" she said, taking about the neighbors, who were quiet right now, but would start up again, fighting, because they always did.
""I have heard sounds,"" she said, ""and I know those sounds. I know what it sounds like when a man hits a woman.""
We made love.
We drank.
She said, ""Tell me more about Karin.""
I didn't want to.
""She hurt you,"" Olivia said.
""No,"" I said.
""Yes,"" I said.
""You loved her.""
""I loved her.""
""You've loved a lot.""
""I love you,"" I said.
""I know,"" she said, ""you weirdo.""
XVI.
Olivia was talking and she was talking fast. We were having an argument. She was angry or irritated. And then she said, ""What was I talking about?""
""Drinking,"" I said.
""Drinking,"" she said. ""Don't you think we've been drinking too much?""
""Have we?""
""Don't you think?""
""I don’t know.""
""I think we have,"" she said.
""Why?"" I asked.
""I think I'm an alcoholic,"" she said. ""What do you think?""
""I wouldn’t know.""
""Are you an alcoholic?"" she said.
""I've always liked to drink,"" I said.
""Drinking to have fun is one thing,"" she said. ""Social drinking, drinking to celebrate - —if I had anything in my life to celebrate. But I seem to be drinking to cope. To cope.""
""Cope with what?""
""With everything. When I have thoughts, I need to cope, and I drink.""
""What kind of thoughts?""
""You know,"" she said, ""about everything. Acting, children, life, you.""
""You drink when you think about me?"" I said.
""Of course I do.""
""To cope with me?""
""To cope with…my thoughts.""
""Is that supposed to make me feel good?"" I said. ""It doesn't make me feel good,"" I said.
""I get depressed because I don't know where we're going, what kind of future we have,"" she said. ""I don't have time to fart around. Where are we going, Paul?"" she said.
""This is not what we were talking about,"" I said.
""What, what were we talking about?""
""Drinking.""
""I need another beer,"" she said.
We had this conversation at least once a week. —Wwere we getting drunk too much? It always happened on the weekend when Ella was away and we could drink. We'd get drunk and talk about getting drunk. We'd agree we should cut back, and then we'd drink more and promise tomorrow would be the day we'd start drinking less but of course tomorrow was another day, another day to drink and talk and fuck and laugh and cry.
This time it was different. This time she was truly serious and I knew something was wrong.
""What's wrong?"" I said.
""What makes you ask?"" she said.
""I know you,"" I said.
""Okay, okay,"" she said.
""My period is late,"" she said.
""What?""
""Two weeks late,"" she said.
""What does this mean?""
""I might be pregnant,"" she said. ""And if I am, I am going to have to stop drinking, and if I stop, I want you to stop too.""
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