Finding Ever After

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  I dropped my cell phone on the bed; I wouldn’t be needing it anymore. I pushed away the guilt of abandoning the friends who had always been there for me, and I grabbed my bags. I knew I had people here who loved me, but I just couldn’t stay for them. I shut my bedroom door behind me and hurriedly made my way down the stairs before my half siblings or one of my father’s thugs noticed I was leaving with all of my possessions in tow. Thankfully there was no one around to witness my hasty exit and I would be long gone before any one of them realized it. I didn’t even hesitate as I threw my car into drive and put that place in my rearview; I wouldn’t miss anything or anyone in that house, it was never home.

  It was almost exactly three years ago that I escaped my father‘s house that June, without so much as a goodbye or even a letter to anyone explaining why I left or where I was going. When I left I wasn’t sure how long it would be before I would return home, and now that I was so close, I didn’t know what awaited me there, but I was finally ready to face it. I hoped.

  I had been so sure that I needed to go home after the surprise visit I received last month that had rocked me to my core and changed my perspective on so much I thought I knew about my family. Now I was doubting myself again. I just had to remember everything he’d shared with me, all the reasons it was time to go back.

  The miles ticked away quickly as my faithful Subaru traveled along I-90. The closer I got to my past, the more a mixed sense of excitement and dread built inside me. I left Oregon four days ago, and the trip East had seemed to go by at a crawling pace. Now, so near the end, it felt like the miles passed in seconds and it was no time at all before I was turning down the familiar suburb streets of Needham, just outside of Boston. It was just after seven, and twilight was settling in the sky, when I pulled into the driveway of the place that housed all of my childhood hopes and dreams as well as the immense grief for my loss. I had avoided confronting all of it for such a long time. I started running from things well before three years ago.

  The house belonged to me. Mom had made sure nobody would be able to sell it or do anything with it until I was old enough to decide for myself what I wanted. I hadn’t been back inside since her funeral. After she passed I stayed next door, but the day of the service, I was so lost and scared, I just needed her comfort. I thought I would be able to feel her there, in that place we shared so many wonderful memories. So I went back in, but she wasn’t there. I didn’t feel anything but alone. I was just a kid and all I understood was that my life had been turned upside down. After that I couldn’t bring myself to face the emptiness of the place that used to be filled with so much warmth and love.

  I still wasn’t sure if I was ready to relive the memories that I knew would assault me the moment I stepped through the front door. Just seeing it from the outside triggered such an intense wave of emotions that I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. I sat there, staring at the house, trying to build up courage when a tap at my window startled me out of my thoughts and I let out a high pitched-squeal. As I turned to face the stranger, my surprise increased at the sound of a voice that was actually very familiar to me. I had wondered if Mr. Cross still lived next door or had moved away.

  “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you, but I live next door and saw you pull up. I noticed you were just sitting out here, is there something I can help you with?” I could tell he hadn’t recognized me yet, even as I rolled down the window and looked up at him. I couldn’t bring myself to respond so I just removed my sunglasses and stared at him. I saw the moment recognition flashed in his eyes and he gasped.

  “Jaxyn?” I just nodded, still unable to speak. “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you, with the hair and all and … you just look so different.” He seemed to be having a hard time accepting that I really was sitting here in front of him. I finally managed to open the door and step out. I wasn’t prepared to be pulled into a hug the moment my feet hit the cement and I stumbled into him. He squeezed so tightly I couldn‘t breathe.

  “I’ve missed you so much sweetheart. We all have, especially…” He trailed off, the hurt on his face was obvious. I knew who he was referring to. “I just can’t believe you’re back, but I‘m so happy you are.”

  It took everything I had to hold back the waterworks. This was home. Not the overstated mansion I ran away from, not the different apartments in any of the four cities I had lived in since, but this right here; being held like a small child by the man who is more my father than the guy I share DNA with. At that moment the weight of just how much I had missed this feeling hit me and I had to step out of his embrace before I turned in to a blubbering mess. His arms remained outstretched with his hand on my shoulders while he looked down at me with a million questions burning in his eyes.

  “Did you just get back? Are you staying? Where have you been? Why did you leave without telling anyone, were you in trouble?” I had anticipated being bombarded with those same questions and more, but I was too overwhelmed to get into it now. He seemed to understand the state I was in and didn’t push even though I knew he was dying to have answers.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jump into an interrogation, it’s just that it’s been three years.” There was so much sadness in his eyes.“You’re like a daughter to me, and it was so hard not knowing if you were alright.” I was swamped with guilt, imagining the worry he must have felt.

  “You probably want some time to process being here. It looks like you’ve got all your stuff packed up in you car, I’m guessing that means you’re staying here at least temporarily. Do you want help carrying everything inside? I promise I’ll let you settle in before I start back up with the inquiry.”

  “Sure, that would be great. Thanks.” I knew he was hoping for more of an explanation, at the very least about the length of my stay, but I wasn‘t ready. When he realized he wasn’t going to get anything more from me, he began unloading the boxes and bags that were piled in the back of the Subie. I grabbed my large duffel and felt for the familiar old key that still hung from my ring.

  I took a deep breath and made my way to the porch, halting in front of the door as I steeled myself for the rush of memories and emotions I knew were coming as soon as I turned the key in that lock. Mr. Cross had followed close behind and sensing my apprehension, didn’t say a word, giving me the time to pull myself together.

  It was exactly as I remembered it, the furniture, the carpet, the pictures. Everything was exactly how I had left it the last time I set foot in here. I was expecting dust everywhere, sheets and the inevitable musty smell that comes with leaving a house unoccupied for such a length of time. I was stunned to find none of that. It still looked lived in, as if just yesterday Mom had vacuumed and tidied up, and the fresh clean scent that assaulted me was left by her having just done laundry.

  I knew all of that to be impossible, but nevertheless, for a split second I felt the hope and warmth rise up within me, only to be replaced a moment later by an ache so deep in my soul I knew that no matter how much time passed, it would always be a part of me. Even so, time had allowed me to heal to the point that it no longer had the ability to cripple me. I’d always miss her, I’d feel that loss every day for the rest of my life, but I wouldn’t let it define me. It was Mr. Cross’ voice that snapped me out of my reverie.

  “We still had the spare key and Sebastian didn’t want it to be neglected, he said you’d come back, and when you did he wanted it to be ready for you. We had a cleaning company come in once a month to keep the cobwebs at bay and air everything out. I think they were here today.” It explained the lack of dust and the fresh laundry smell. It was just like Bas to make sure everything was ready for me to come home even though he didn’t know when that would be. “Where do you want me to put this stuff?”

  “You can just stack them there.” I told him gesturing toward the wall separating the entryway from the living room. “I’ll sort through it later and figure out where I want everything.” He just nodded and set the boxes down, returni
ng to the car to haul in the remaining ones.

  Even though all of my belongings were loaded into the Forrester, it still wasn’t much and only took minutes for the two of us to pack everything into the house. After we had everything inside, there was a brief period of awkward silence, neither one of us knowing what to say next.

  I knew that he would be the one to break it. I could see a question building behind his expression, and I knew exactly what it was he was going to ask, and I knew he wouldn’t leave without an answer no matter how much time he had promised me to get settled in.

  “Does Bas know you’re back?”

  “No.”

  “Yeah, I figured. If he did, he’d be here right now. We both missed you something fierce kiddo, but it devastated him when you left. I know there was never anything romantic between you too, but he loved you more than anyone, still does.“ It was true, as much as I loved Bas, he would always just be the brother I wished for, and he thought of me as a sister, but we had been inseparable until I left.

  “Was it really that bad?”

  “Do you really have to ask?” He was trying to make me feel guilty, but my eyes dropped to the floor anyway. I couldn’t bear to see how much hurt I had caused, and it was all there on his face.

  “No, I guess not. I just hoped that maybe he would understand. I needed to go.”

  “How could anyone understand when you left without an explanation or even a goodbye.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry. I realize it was difficult-” He cut me off before I could finish.

  “I don’t think you do realize just how difficult it was for any of us when you just up and disappeared, especially Sebastian. For days we worried something awful had happened to you. When you didn’t show up at that party, Bas and Violette thought you might have crashed in ditch somewhere. When that wasn’t the case we spent a week panicking and thinking that maybe Connor …” He couldn’t bring himself to say it, but it was clear he remembered the night Bas brought me to him just as well as I did. “Once they finally bothered to let us know that you had in fact, just packed up your stuff and left, Sebastian wanted to try and track you down so he could go after you. Chris and I had to talk him out of it more than once.” I didn’t even know what to say. I had known they would worry, but it never even crossed my mind how deeply, or what they might think happened. I still couldn’t regret going the way I did.

  “Look, I’m sorry I don’t mean to lecture you and reprimand you, but you just don’t know what it was like to watch him miss you every day. The last three years were huge for him and he was expecting you to be here for all the things you missed. I think that’s even the reason he’s still putting off proposing to his girlfriend, he wanted to make sure you were here for that.”

  “What? Proposing? ”

  Bas was getting engaged?

  He had just broken up with that wench Amy when I left. Wow. I had tried to keep up with his college life, stalking the school networking sites and online newspapers, but I really had missed a lot.

  “Yeah, she’s a real sweet girl, they’ve been together for about two years, he’s got the ring and everything.”

  “Well I’m here now.” I wasn’t sure what my future held or where I would end up, but being back here and realizing how much had happened in my absence, I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave it behind so hastily again, no matter what.

  “Yeah, you are and you should probably talk to him soon before he hears it from someone else.”

  “I will. Do you know where I can find him?”

  “Yeah, I do. He’ll be at Great Scott tonight. Christian found himself a band and they play there pretty regularly. I know they’re playing there tonight.”

  I couldn’t say I was surprised that Bas’ older brother joined a band, he was always driving us nuts, beating on his drum kit. Part of the reason he spent so much more time over at their mom’s house when we were kids was because it was big enough that no one there had to be bothered by the noise.

  “Thanks, I’ll head over there.” I let out a deep breathe. “I’m just afraid he won’t want anything to do with me now.”

  “He will. He might be mad as hell at you, but he still loves you too much not to get over it. That’s why he‘s so angry darlin. It may just take some time.”

  “I hope so.”

  “I’ll get out of your hair so you can do what you need to do, but eventually I would like to hear about where you’ve been girl. For now I’ll just be glad you’re back, but I’m here when you’re ready to give some of those answers.”

  “I will; I promise I’ll tell you everything.” Satisfied with my promise, he turned to leave. “Oh, and Mr. Cross.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I missed you guys, so much, and I’m glad I’m home too.” He flashed me a smile of fatherly affection and walked out the door. Hopefully Bas would be equally forgiving.

  The door closed behind him and I turned to face the rest of the house. Looking at the familiar rooms and objects that were a part of shaping my childhood, I knew I could let the memories wrap around me, but at this point I would only drown in them. I had struggled in the last three years to work through my grief and get to a place where I could think about her without shutting down or falling apart.

  I wasn’t a scared, confused twelve year old anymore and I knew there really was so much of her left here and that, without a doubt, I would see and feel her in every inch of this place we made a home together. That was more that I was ready to deal with all at once. For now I would take it one step at a time, and the first step was to get out of my travel clothes, take a shower, and go see if I still had a best friend. If I could convince Sebastian not to hate me, then I should be able to handle anything.

  Chapter 2

  The drive from Needham into the part of Boston where the bar is, took me just over half an hour, and by the time I found a place to park it was almost nine. Once again I found myself sitting in my car looking for some courage. My fear of Bas’ reaction was ultimately outweighed by my need to see him, even if he yelled at me or refused to speak to me or did one of the million other awful things I had imagined him doing on the drive over.

  I took one last look at myself in the mirror. I’m not usually so concerned with how I look, but I was uncommonly nervous tonight. I have my insecurities at times, with my appearance, but generally I feel pretty okay about myself. I know I’m not ugly, I look too much like my mom to ever be that. She looked like an angel, and my dad might be a world class scumbag but he’s an attractive scumbag. I don’t fit the model figure or have an athletic build, I’m too soft, even though I played soccer most of my life, but my frame is still slender. Thankfully I have my mom’s delicate nose and her smile. My hair fell in the same soft waves her’s had to the small of my back. No matter how much I wanted to reinvent myself after I took off, I could never bring myself to cut it. It did look like a Crayola bomb went off in it though, dyed different shades of blue, green and turquoise, with pink and purple streaked through it.

  My hair is a tad out there on the crazy scale but the rest of my look is less extreme. I was rocking grey skinny pants that hugged my legs and accentuated the barely there curves I have, with a pair of black Chuck Taylor’s, a fitted black Johnny Cash tee and my well loved leather jacket.

  Great Scott was always known for drawing a crowd, especially on nights like tonight, when they boasted live music. That much hadn’t changed. I squeezed past the group of smokers loitering around the entrance and after paying the cover charge, I was immediately surrounded by a sea of bodies, most of them college age, which is pretty typical of bars in the Allston area.

  Even with my unusual hair, my look was still pretty tame compared to some around me. There were half naked girls and guys with spikes in their hair and more metal in their faces than you would find in a welding shop. There were frat boys, and sorority girls from the universities and every other group you would find on campus from the hipsters to the jocks.

  Some of them we
re moving and swaying to the beat of the music coming from the two girls with guitars up on stage. Other groups were standing around the bar talking, trying to be heard over the music, which definitely wasn’t bad. The song they were playing had a good beat and catchy lyrics, I would have to check them out more after I took care of what I came here to do. I moved closer to the bar so I could look out and try to spot him, but it was packed and did I see any familiar faces. However there were posters all over the place promoting a band called Ashes and Embers, that would going on stage later in the night. I wondered if that was Chris’ band. They must be popular to bring in a crowd this size. I was forced to break off from my search when a masculine voice sounded from right next to me.

  “Do you like the band?” I looked over to see one of the typical frat boy types on my right, leaning against the bar with a beer in his hand. He had been talking with a group of guys gathered at the bar, but it appeared that he had zeroed in on me and was now trying to make his move. He was going to be disappointed tonight. He wasn’t bad looking, a good head taller than my 5’5 and probably an athlete. He was actually pretty attractive with his sandy blonde hair and baby blues and it helped that he wasn’t giving off a creeper vibe. But he still wasn’t my type, and that’s not what I came here for.

  “Yeah, they’re pretty good.” I replied trying to decide the best way to get out of making small talk that wasn’t going to lead anywhere.

  “I’ve heard them play at a couple of time around here, they’re pretty decent. I’m Derek, what’s your name?” I turned to face him and mustered up the sweetest smile I could so he wouldn’t be offended when I blew him off.

  “Jaxyn, and it was nice to meet you Derek, but I’m actually looking for …” I froze when I heard his boisterous voice coming from a few yards behind me. Even with the loud music and noisy crowd, I would never mistake that voice. It’s the same one that whispered to me through the tin can telephone we strung between our bedrooms as kids so that we could talk even after being sent to bed, and the same one cheered the loudest from the bleachers at my soccer games in high school. Oh God how I had missed hearing that voice every day. I turned, completely forgetting Derek and his attempts at flirting, and there he was.