Finding Ever After

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  “When you’re done, grab a jacket and your book. We’re going out on the water.” He casually informed me. I almost argued. The stubborn part of me didn’t like being told what to do. What if I wanted to do something else today? I didn’t. Since it was our last day here I did really want to spend some time out on the boat, but he didn’t know that. If this was going to work, though, he would have to learn to check that domineering attitude. I didn’t take orders well, even if his intent was to do something nice for me. Chalk it up to daddy issues, but I didn’t argue with him. This time.

  Bas finished his food and disappeared from the kitchen. I popped one last strawberry in my mouth and got up to follow him.

  “Can I trust him Bas?” The apology was fine and I was ready to forgive and move on, really give this friendship a chance, but even though I didn’t want to admit it, I wasn’t objective when it came to Kyden. I knew Bas would be honest with me.

  “Trust him how?” Bas always saw more than I wanted him to. “He cares about you Jazz. That’s obvious to every single one of us, but he’s still got a lot of his own stuff to work through.”

  “That’s not what I meant. There’s nothing going on between us. He just wants to be friends. That’s all I want too. I just want to make sure he’s not going to lose it again. Am I making a mistake being friends with him? I can’t deal with anyone else I care about hurting me like that again.”

  “Yeah, sure Jazz.” I knew he didn’t completely buy it. I didn’t even buy it entirely. He didn’t push though. “He knows he blew it big time last night, but that’s not who he is. There’s a lot about him you don’t know, but he really is a good friend. You’re not making a mistake giving him a chance. He’s not the easiest person in the world but yeah, you can trust him.”

  Chapter 22

  It’d been way too long since I was out on the water. There’s nothing like skimming the waves, feeling the ocean breeze on your face while the sun shines down on you. We stayed out there the rest of the morning and into the afternoon. Bas, Vi and Jake went with us and we were all reluctant to return to shore. The ocean is a wild and unpredictable force of nature, but there’s also something so peaceful and relaxing about it. I could have read out there all day.

  It was after two o’clock when we pulled the boat back into the cove. The four guys were lounging around on the dock when Bas steered it over to the launch area. Kyden helped Vi and I hop out while Jake ran to grab the trailer and truck so they could get the boat back into the shed. Chris and Ace came over to help with the boat. The breeze coming off the water had died down and it was definitely the hottest we’d seen yet. All I wanted to do was launch myself off the dock into the cool, tempting water.

  “Go get your suit on.” Vi read my mind. She was already pulling off the tank she had on over her bikini top. I ran in the house and up the stairs to my room. I dug the one piece swimsuit I’d packed out of the drawer I stuffed it in the first day and stripped off my clothes. I pulled the suit on, then slipped back into my shorts and slid my feet into a pair of flip flops before racing back out the door.

  The hot sun beat down on my bare shoulders as I made my way back over to the dock. The guys had finished storing the boat and were all out on the dock or in the water. When I got there Kyden’s back was to me, swim trunks hanging low on his hips and his shirt discarded somewhere. All that tanned, smooth skin was much too enticing, even from behind, especially the ink that covered two thirds of his back. It wasn’t the first time I’d caught a glimpse of the impressive art work, but it was the first chance I’d had to really admire it.

  The tattoo was of a man down on one knee, with his arms folded across his chest, situated on top of the knee that was up. His head was bowed and resting against his arms so that the face wasn’t visible. The man was completely naked, but shadows kept the image from being obscene. The part of the tattoo that drew most of my attention wasn’t the man himself, but the giant pair of wings that extended from his back and over his shoulders. They wrapped around him, providing a shelter. It was obviously an angel, but the impression it gave was dark and grim, rather than heavenly. I could almost feel the brokenness and pain that it emanated. Fallen angel, that’s what I would call it.

  The entire piece stretched from shoulder to shoulder, and the wings came down to his lower back. It was beautiful and tragic at the same time. I wondered about the story behind that specific piece, why Kyden had chosen it. I was more curious than ever about his past and I desperately wanted to be someone that he would confide in, someone that he would trust with his secrets, his fears and his dreams. I wanted to know him from the inside out. My face flushed with the intimate thoughts I was having. Heat stroke, that’s what it was. The sun was messing with my head. Can you get heat stroke after only five minutes?

  “No Princess.” For a second I thought Kyden was answering my thoughts, but that was impossible. While I was lost in my head, he had turned around and was looking at me in a disapproving manner. I was confused as to what I could have done too earn that look.

  “No, what?” I asked with all of the uncertainty and hesitation that I felt.

  “No more hiding.” His voice was hard and resolute, but his eyes were soft as they penetrated my defenses. They flitted briefly to my torso before coming back up to my face and I knew what he was saying. He was asking too much of me though. I looked down and away from his demanding gaze.

  “Look at me Princess.” When I refused he stepped forward and used his fingers to lift my chin. “You’re fucking perfect, a couple of scars don’t change that.”

  “But they’re hideous.” I choked out.

  “Nothing about you could ever be hideous.” I felt the wetness trying to leave my eyes. There was so much sincerity and tenderness in his voice that I wanted to wrap myself in it. “You don’t have to show the world, but here, with us, no hiding.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes you can.”

  “I mean I didn’t bring … This is all I have.”

  “Come on.” He took my hand and led me back into the house.

  “I’m not going out there in my underwear.” He just chuckled as we stepped through the door.

  “I’m not asking you to.” He reached for a bag that was sitting on the entryway bench. “Here.” He handed me the small bag. Inside was as simple but cute, sea green bikini. I looked back up at him surprised.

  “When did you get this?”

  “That first morning. After I saw them and took off I ended up in town. I was pissed and I’ll admit a little crazy. I saw it inside one of the shops and I knew you had lied about why you wouldn’t wear a swimsuit. It was either buy it for you or put my fist through something.”

  It was a little crazy, but mostly it was sweet and thoughtful. I pulled the swim suit from the bag and held it up. The thought of putting it on and baring everything had my stomach in knots, but I would do it because I believed him when he told me he didn’t think my scars were ugly. I would do it because when he looked at me, with hopefulness in his eyes, I didn’t want to disappoint him. More than that, I trusted him.

  I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom staring at the scars that were on display. The small scraps of fabric weren’t much better than underwear. It was actually modest for a bikini, but that wasn’t saying much. Nobody had seen me this exposed in a very long time. I didn’t know if I really had the guts to walk out there.

  Even the scars that came up the inside of my thighs were visible. I hated looking at my body and usually avoided it when I dressed. I was disfigured and I couldn’t imagine anyone thinking my body was beautiful after seeing these scars, but maybe I was wrong. Kyden gave me hope that I was, so I slipped my flip flops back on and once again made my way outside to the water.

  When I first stepped out onto the dock all eyes turned to me and I saw the struggle on their faces, to hang on to their composure, especially once they spotted the lower scars. I wanted to run back in the house, or grab a towel and cover up, but I didn’t
and after their initial reaction, none of them made me feel awkward or uncomfortable. It was difficult to be so exposed in front of them, but not as bad as I thought it would be.

  “Stunning Rainbow. Love the tat, glad I finally got the chance to see it.” He eyes the piece of art that went up the right side of my stomach. It was a ship, with the words “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” I got it six months after moving to Portland. I’d started self defense classes and had finally opened up to Sadie. For the first time up to that point, I finally felt in control of my life, like I wasn’t just surviving.

  “I vote that you walk around like that all the time from now on.” Spade winked.

  “I’ll second that.” Ace agreed, just before shoving Spade off the dock. He came up sputtering and threatening Ace, who just laughed and then jumped in himself. I wasn’t about to be tossed in this time, so I followed after Ace and jumped in on my own. Being in the water helped relieve the remaining anxiety I felt. It didn’t take long before everyone was in the water enjoying the reprieve from the heat and I wasn’t thinking about my scars anymore.

  Most of my thoughts were stuck on the devastatingly gorgeous male who continued to surprise me, making it harder and harder to keep my thoughts from straying beyond the boundaries of friendship. He, on the other hand, was really was sticking to his promise to be just my friend. He was considerate and respectful and didn’t flirt with me once. It was nice. I hated it.

  I was relieved when he returned to the city that evening with Ace, Danny and Spade. I needed some space from him and that devilish smile. The rest of us would be going back in the morning, so that I would have time to pick up my car and get ready for my interview in the afternoon.

  “Hey.” I looked up from my book. Vi was leaning against the door frame, but she stepped out onto the deck and joined me on the hammock. “Scoot over.” I closed my book and tried to shift closer to the edge without falling out while Vi maneuvered herself next to me. Once we had it balanced so neither of us would end up being dumped onto the ground, we rested our heads together.

  “What’s up?” I asked her. She had that look in her eye and I knew she had a reason for being out here.

  “Just wanted to check on you. See how you’re holding up. This was supposed to be a break from the crazy, but it’s been a pretty trying couple days for you.”

  “I’m fine.” I tried to reassure her, but she wasn’t having it.

  “Don’t give me that ‘I’m fine’ bull shit. Talk to me. Last night I thought I was ready to commit murder after Bas told me what happened. Then the guys pulled an intervention on him before the show and now you two have kissed and made up.” I lifted my head and shot her a look. “Well except for the kiss part, but maybe you’d have preferred the kiss?”

  “What do you mean? We’re finally friends and that’s it.” I insisted.

  “I know, but I also remember the nice chat we had on the dock. You admitted to having feelings for him. Then he went all asshole, and you didn’t want anything to do with him and now you guys are supposed to be friends again. Come on, I’ve got a head ache just thinking about it. You have to be dizzy from it all. I would understand if you didn’t know how to feel about it all, about him.” Dizzy was an understatement if I was really being honest.

  “I know how I should feel, how I want to feel. There’s no future for the two of us except friendship. We finally have an understanding and agree on that, but I can’t help but feel …”

  “Disappointed?”

  “Yeah.” I sighed. “I know it doesn’t make any sense. I’m pretty sure I’m losing my mind.”

  “We all lose our minds over a guy at some point or another.” She reasoned, but it didn’t do all that much to comfort me. I didn’t want to lose my mind over him or any guy for that matter.

  “I just want someone … who won’t hurt me. I want to feel safe and loved.”

  “That’s all any of us want.”

  “It wouldn’t hurt if he was gorgeous and funny and rich. I mean is that too much to ask?” I joked. “Prince Charming, that’s all I want.” The hammock shook with our laughter.

  “No, that’s not too much at all.” Her sarcasm wasn’t reassuring. “Kyden definitely doesn’t fit the Prince Charming mold, that’s for sure.”

  “No, he’s Charming’s wicked cousin.” Wicked and dangerous to girls with fairy tale dreams. He wouldn’t swoop in on a white horse. He’d speed off on a black motorcycle.

  “Maybe you should ask him if he has any hot cousins.” We both broke out in another fit of giggles.

  “That would go over well, I’m sure.”

  “You’re right. Probably shouldn’t do that. He’s out there though Jax, somewhere.”

  Somewhere.

  Lord, wherever he is, please watch over him. Help me to become the person who’s going to be worthy of him. Please show me what to do, so I don’t give my heart to someone who isn’t worthy of it.

  “He is worthy.” My heart whispered, refusing to give up or let go.

  “I think I’m in trouble Vi.” I confided.

  “Sweetheart, the entire female population as a whole was in trouble the day that boy was born.” That was the truth and part of the problem. I was just one of hundreds of, if not more, girls who found Kyden McCabe irresistible. I needed to work harder at resisting. “It will all work out though, if anyone deserves to find a happily ever after, it’s you.”

  “Thanks. I really want to believe that.” More than anything I wanted her words to be true.

  “Then believe it, and no matter what I’m going to be here.” I didn’t know what I’d do without her. There were some things that no matter how close Bas and I were, he would never understand as well as Vi because he wasn’t a girl. He didn’t know what it was like to be one, to hurt like one.

  Vi and I laid in the hammock talking about the most random things until the guys came out on the deck carrying plates of food for dinner. We ate outside and watched the sun go down over the water. I was sad that it was our last night, but I was also looking forward to being back home. I couldn’t hide forever. Reality was waiting for me and I needed to get back to it, no matter how chaotic it could get and no matter how scared I was.

  My thoughts were all over the place when I climbed into bed. Connor, Kyden, Bas and Lissa … I couldn’t stop it and I didn’t know what to do about any of them, except trust, like Vi said that it would all work out.

  Lord, I can’t see the bigger picture here. Everything looks like a mess to me. I’m told to trust you, to have faith, and I want to so badly. I’m just not sure if I know how.

  My body finally found rest with desperate prayers still running through my mind and in the morning things didn’t seem so bleak. I was embracing the new feeling of hope I woke with. Faith, trust and pixie dust, minus the pixie dust. That was my new philosophy. Not entirely original but I’m a sucker for all things Disney and it was fitting. If I wanted to make it through whatever was coming next, because there would always be something, that’s just life, I had to hang on to the belief in something bigger than me.

  Chapter 23

  The interview on Friday at Renwick Jamison Gallery of Art turned out to be little more than a formality. Carla, my former boss, had given me a great recommendation before I even walked in. Erik Renwick offered me the position on the spot himself and asked if I’d be ready to start on Monday.

  Renwick Jamison was slightly bigger than the gallery in Portland and they not only dealt with local up and comers, which was primarily what we had dealt with in Portland, but they also featured some very well-known artists from around the country.

  Working with the high end showings would be a new experience for me but I was excited that Mr. Renwick had trusted me with the job, it was an amazing opportunity for me. My first week went better than I had hoped and I was feeling more confident and content than I had in a while. I had a job that I knew I was going to love, and not only that, but it provided a distraction
for me from worrying about Connor and trying not to think about Kyden. I failed more at the last one.

  He’d texted a few times throughout the week to check in and congratulate me on the job, but I hadn’t seen him since that Thursday when they left the cape house. I would see him tonight though. It was Friday and the band was playing in Springfield. The rest of our group was going to watch them and celebrate my first week.

  I was on the way back to my house from the gallery so I could change before Bas and I met up with Vi and Jake so we could all ride together and get dinner before the show. Once I was back at the house, I quickly changed; trading the pencil skirt I wore to work for a pair of tight black skinny jeans. I threw a sheer green, sleeveless blouse on over the top of a darker tank top and added a little bit more kohl and shadow to create a smoky eye. I pulled the pins from my hair shaking out the low chignon and letting my hair fall in loose waves around my face. The last step was to slip into a pair of four inch emerald green stiletto pumps and grab my leather jacket.

  When I came downstairs Vi and Jake were in the kitchen pre-gaming with Bas. Vi looked gorgeous as always in a tight little, dark purple dress and silver heels that had to be at least an inch higher than my own. The boys both looked good in their dark jeans. Bas had on a slim fit black v neck and Jake was in a long sleeved, plaid button up. If they weren’t both taken, the girls would’ve been in trouble tonight.

  Technically Bas was single, really he was just stubborn. He still hadn’t spoken to Lissa, but he was still hurting and missing her, so on Sunday, when he went his Mom’s for a dinner party, I was finally going to do something about it. I just hoped it would work. Until then, all I wanted was one night out without something going wrong.

  The drive to Springfield took us just under two hours and when we pulled up to the restaurant we decided on, we had almost another two hours before the guys went on at ten. They were already at the venue, so it was just the four of us for dinner. We’d picked a little Mexican place not far from the show. They had good food and cheap drinks. By the time we left, we were all full and the three of them were pretty buzzed. Vi and Jake both got ‘friendly’ with a little alcohol so they had a hard time keeping their hands off each other in the car. Bas wasn’t drunk yet, but he was feeling good and in a playful mood as well. It was infectious and I was smiling and laughing with them when we got to the address Chris gave us.