“I know you guys mean well, but things aren’t going to change between Ky and me. It’s over. It was over before it even started. I’m trying to move on. You might think we belong together, but if I love him and still know we aren’t right for each other, you should accept it too.” I countered. I could tell he wanted to argue it more but he was out of time. His flight was about to board. He pulled me into him and promised to call every night again, before following Chris and Spade through the security check.
They went back to the life of a different city every night and I went back to trying to find something that made me feel as alive as I had over the summer. Looking back on it, I could see the difference in myself from the first time I met him, all of them. I came home to Boston so unsure of myself and lost. They accepted me into their misfit family just like that. I had no idea what I was looking for, but they were it. Every last one of them, with their foul mouths, quick tempers and crude humor. They were the best group of guys I had ever met and they made me feel safe and loved. They gave me a place to belong.
Then there was Kyden, oh that boy pushed my buttons from day one. He turned me inside out and upside down, but he also ignited this fire inside of me. Even when we were arguing and I wanted to push him into traffic I felt it. Fighting with him helped me to find my fight again. I remembered who I wanted to be and I think I got closer to being that girl. Strong, confident, patient, kind, forgiving; all the things my mother taught me to be.
It was hard to let him go, excruciatingly so, but it was just as hard, if not harder, to feel all that slipping away. I was going through the motions of my life, letting the loss of one thing, one guy, keep me from living my life to the fullest.
I loved a boy, the wrong boy. I fell hard and fast, and it was okay. Ignoring how much I hurt wouldn’t make it go away, but accepting it, that might be a start. Loving someone was never a mistake, I needed to acknowledge that. I didn’t regret it. I wasn’t sorry that I loved him and I wouldn’t take it back.
The boy I loved didn’t love me because he didn’t know how. He broke my heart and then he left, but that was okay too. I didn’t feel okay. I wasn’t even in the same hemisphere as okay, but on the other side of it all, I would be. At least I hoped I would be. I couldn’t see what that would look like. I couldn’t picture a day that I wouldn’t still love him and want him this badly, but I had just enough faith to believe that I wasn’t meant to hurt forever. Until then I was going to go after all the other things I wanted.
I was going to be the best friend I could. I would make sure Izzy knew how much I adored her every chance I got. In Portland I’d enjoyed my self-defense and kickboxing classes. I took care of my body and I found strength and confidence in that, and I was determined to get that back. It might do nothing to make me love Kyden less, but it would do everything to make me love myself more.
As soon as I got home from the airport, I started by enrolling in a krav maga class in the city. I signed Vi up too. I informed her over text, but followed the information with an invitation to help me find a Halloween costume, so she probably didn’t even notice the bit about the class.
Halloween was only a few days away and after I’d picked out the perfect costume, a fairy princess, I arranged to go trick-or-treating with Lucy, Shane and Izzy. I was wrong though, Vi had noticed the part about signing her up for krav maga. She agreed to it on the condition that after trick-or-treating-I go to the Halloween party at her house’s brother fraternity, which ended up being more enjoyable than I thought it would. I even managed to get Vi excited about our first krav maga class by telling her she would be able to take out the girls who were eyeing Jake. She was on board after that.
I hadn’t been inside a gym in six months and it took a little bit of time to re-familiarize my body with the different positions and movements. During the first class we spent a lot of time working through the proper movements. It felt a little awkward initially, but after a few minutes of moving forward and back and then the same thing from side to side, I relaxed and my body started responding more naturally.
“That looks really good. Just pick up your back heel and relax your shoulders a little more.” Drew instructed me. He and another girl were going around the room checking stances as we were introduced to the basics. I listened to his directions and adjusted my body. “Yeah, like that. Okay now bring your hands up a little higher. You want them six to eight inches in front of your face.” Once again I listened and raised my hands up. “You definitely want to protect that face.” He winked and then moved on to the next student once he was satisfied that I had the fighting stance down.
“He was totally checking you out.” Vi giggled from behind me. “He’s really cute.”
I didn’t even acknowledge her. I kept my eyes up front on the head instructor, James, as he started demonstrating some basic punches. There were about twenty people in the class, pretty diverse in age, but the majority was male. Besides the two of us, I only counted four other girls.
After James showed us the basic striking and blocking techniques, he had us partner up and grab a set of padded mitts so we could alternate practicing punches. I paired with Vi and went first, throwing the jab cross combos we had been working on.
“You’re picking this up really fast. You’ve got the form and breathing down great. Have you had previous classes?” Drew asked when he came back around.
“I lived in Portland, Oregon for a while, and when I was there I took a basic self-defense class. After that I did beginners kickboxing, then an intermediate course. Right before I moved back here I had just started taking krav maga, but I only made it to three classes.”
“Ah, that explains why you’re picking it up so fast.” Just then James called for a five minute water break before we switched. Drew followed us over to our bags where our water bottles were stashed, but Vi grabbed hers and went to introduce herself to a couple of the other girls in the class, leaving me standing there with Drew.
Vi was right, he was cute, really cute. He looked about six foot or just under, pretty well muscled with blonde hair, cropped close to his head, clean shaven face and pretty blue eyes. He had a nice smile that probably would have made my stomach flutter if all my stomach flutters didn’t belong to someone else.
“So are you into it for the workout or the self-defense?” He asked.
“Both, mostly the self-defense though. Girl in the city, safety and all that.” I answered, not sure if he was flirting or just being friendly.
“Yeah that’s smart. Everyone, girls especially, should know how to handle themselves. There’s a lot of sick people out there.” I wasn’t about to tell him that I didn’t need to be reminded of that. I knew first hand.
When the break was over Vi and I resumed our positions out on the mat. Drew continued to weave his way through the room but found his way back to my spot several times.
“Sooo, Drew seemed really nice.” Vi said as we tossed our gym bags into the back of her car.
“Yes he did, but please don’t go there. I’m not ready to start talking about guys again, or even think about dating so just drop it.” I sighed.
“Kay. Got it. Consider sexy fighter boy dropped.” She grumbled and climbed in to the driver’s seat.
“Vi, I’m sorry. It’s just not something I can think about yet. It still hurts too much, but I promise, when I am ready, you’ll be the first to know.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.” I just hoped she wasn’t expecting it to be any time soon.
Classes were every Tuesday and Thursday at six. After the first week Vi texted, calling me all kinds of colorful names for convincing her to agree to be tortured. I was feeling it in just about every muscle too. The second week was pretty rough as well. The instructors pushed us hard and we moved along at a quick pace. By the third week I wasn’t as sore when I got home and Vi didn’t text me any nasty messages.
Once my body finally quit screaming and got used to the level of workout, I felt strong. Not
only that, but it was an outlet for everything still eating at me. Missing my friends, the petty jealousy every time a picture of Kaylie and Kyden popped up online, my frustration that Connor was still out there, my anger and confusion toward my father. I still hadn’t resolved that mess of emotions. Those two nights a week I let it all out; it was freeing.
I’m not quite sure when exactly it happened, but eventually I didn’t have to pretend quite so hard to be holding it together because I actually was. The sharp pain in my chest faded to a dull ache, and I didn’t have a breakdown every time I thought of him. I actually felt good, or as close to it as I had known in months.
Vi continued to go with me to krav maga, mostly for moral support. She was a little too pampered to enjoy sweating like that. Her version of exercise was extreme shopping, but she didn’t complain. Much.
“Hey, at least on Black Friday if anyone tries to keep me from the deals I want, I’ll be able to take them out.” Vi joked when we left our Tuesday class just before Thanksgiving.
At least I thought she had been joking, but when she picked me up from dinner at Bas’ dad’s on Thursday night and dragged me to every store within ten miles that was offering any sort of deal, I saw just how serious it was. Black Friday shoppers are insane, and I made a mental note to refuse to go next year. I crawled into bed Friday morning at ten and I was more exhausted than I had ever been after a kickboxing or krav maga class. I’d been pushed and shoved more than in any class as well. I was sure I’d have the bruises to show for it. At least I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping.
It was a good thing too, because December was packed with showings and gallery events. I worked a lot of overtime so that I could take a couple weeks off when Sadie came on the twentieth, which was only days away now.
Ace was still trying to convince me to hit up Europe with them for the New Year and I was still firmly against it. That didn’t stop the torrent of picture messages that came from him. Every day it was the Eifel Tower, Notre Dame, The Coliseum, Sistine Chapel, Palace of Versailles or any one of the other major landmarks or tourist attraction. He was wearing me down too. I really wanted to see all those places, and I knew Europe with those guys would definitely be an adventure, but Kyden was still a hang up for me.
Ace was persistent though, and the closer it got, the harder he tried to change my mind. I was walking out of my last krav maga class before Christmas. The ground was coated with a few inches of snow and I was in a hurry to get into my car and out of the freezing cold. I was still running off the adrenaline from class and I was excited to pick Sadie up from the airport in the morning. Vi was already in Maine at her grandparents, so I was on my own, but everyone from the class walked out to the parking lot together.
I was just putting my keys in the door when my phone went off with a picture message. I grinned and slid into the seat, wondering what Ace had sent this time. When I pulled my phone out and checked the message, I realized he hadn’t sent a picture but a video. It was probably of someone running naked through the Trevi Fountain, for some reason him, Spade and Chris thought that was a necessary part of experiencing Europe.
I hit play and my heart stopped. It wasn’t a video of anyone running naked through anywhere. It was taken through a partially closed door. Kyden was sitting with his back to whoever was recording, I assumed it was Ace, and I was also betting Kyden didn’t know he was there. He had his guitar in his hands and was playing a song I didn’t recognize. When he started singing, it became difficult to breathe because I knew right away that he wrote the song. About me.
Hey little girl
With the ribbons in your hair
Head full of fairytale dreams
That the world tried to take
I see the tears you cry
Clinging for dear life
To the angel who went too soon
Left all alone in the dark
Nothing but the sound of your breaking heart
Hey sweet girl
With the eyes like his
Hopes crashing down
Needing the love he won’t give
I see the tears you cry
Can’t understand why
You try so hard but it’s never enough
Left all alone in the dark
Nothing but the sound of your breaking heart
Hey pretty girl
With the heart so afraid
Trembling on the ground
Head screaming in vain
I see the tears you cry
Praying in to the night
While your soul bleeds out through the cuts he makes
Left all alone in the dark
Nothing but the sound of your breaking heart
Hey broken girl
With the love so strong
It brings me to my knees
While you’re begging me not to leave
I see the tears you cry
For the truth I keep locked inside
The words I won’t say
Left all alone in the dark
Nothing but the sound of your breaking heart
I want to take you in my arms and hold you tight
Through the darkest part of your night
I’ll watch over you and keep you safe
I want to kiss all your fears away
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Make you feel the things that I can’t say
Show you what you can’t see
There will never be anyone else
You own every piece of me
Hey perfect girl
Ripped apart and shattered inside
Still fighting for those fairytale dreams
You’re so much more than the scars you hide
I see the tears you cry
Wasn’t strong enough to try
I left you alone even though I wanted to be
The one to bring you out of the dark
If only I could tell you how you’ve healed my broken heart
My heart was racing, I thought it was going to burst right out of my chest. His words ripped me open, but they also completely healed me. I wondered if I had hit my head in class and was now lying unconscious on the floor in the gym dreaming, but then I hit play again and again. It was real. Tears streamed down my face as I watched and listened over and over gripping the phone like it was my lifeline.
I was so captivated by video that I didn’t think to lock my doors. That was a mistake. I was on the third play through of the song when my door was ripped open. One second I was looking at Kyden on the screen singing a song he wrote for me and the next I was on the pavement looking up into the cold, menacing eyes.
“Did you miss me sweetheart?”
Chapter 40
The sound of Connor’s voice sent ice straight through my veins. I tried to scream, but his hand was around my throat before I could make a sound. He straddled my waist and with his free hand he grabbed both of my wrists and pinned them above my head. The snow on the ground soaked through my clothes, but I didn’t feel it. All I felt was sheer terror.
I was reliving my worst nightmare. My eyes darted in every direction as I tried to jerk free of his grasp. There was nobody around to help me, the parking lot had emptied while I was sitting in my car watching the video on replay.
My lungs were burning for air. My vision started to blur, from the lack of oxygen and the tears that were filling up my eyes. I panicked and struggled harder to roll him off of me, but it was no use. His weight was too much and I was trapped. All I succeeded in doing was digging the gravel further into my back.
Just before I lost consciousness he finally released his grip around my neck and I sucked in a deep, painful breathe trying to pull as much oxygen as I could into my tortured lungs, but he quickly covered my mouth with his hand. He brought his face down to mine and grinned wickedly. He buried his nose into the crook of my neck and inhaled, then he pressed a trail of rough kisses up my throat to my ear.
“You’re going to pay for
sending Daddy after me. You’re mine, and not even he is going to keep me from you.” I tried to turn my head away from him but he just laughed and held it in place. His hand was still muffling my screams and I was choking on my cries. The more I tried to fight him the more he got off on it. I could feel him pressing into to my belly. Bile rose in my throat. I couldn’t believe it was happening again. I had to stop him.
I tried to calm down, to clear my head so I could find a way out of this. Escaping would depend on being able to focus and wait for the perfect moment to make a move. I stopped struggling. I let him think I was defeated. I’d practiced this a thousand times in my different classes. I inhaled deep breaths through my nose and readied myself. He would make a mistake, give me an opening and I would have my chance.
It came when he went to pull me to my feet. He kept the one hand tight over my mouth but lost some of his grip on my wrists in his effort to bring us both up. As soon as I was standing I was able to yank one arm free and I immediately thrust the base of my palm up into his nose. He was caught off guard and shrieked in pain. His head snapped backward and he lost his hold on my other arm and my mouth.
I reached both my hands up and gripped his bicep with one, and the base of his neck with the other, digging my hands into his skin for purchase. His eyes lit with fury and he tried to charge me but I had my forearm pressed into his windpipe and I was able to pull him down using his momentum against him as I thrust my knee upward into his gut as hard as I could.
He dropped and I turned and ran with everything I had, but the ground was slick and I wasn’t fast enough. I was trying to catch my breath so I could finally get out a scream but something slammed into me from behind and I crashed onto the pavement. My head struck the cement before I could break my fall and everything went fuzzy. The pain was almost enough to make me pass out. I could feel his weight on my back, but the fog that was clouding my mind made it impossible for me to focus. I felt him yanking me up again, but this time I didn’t do anything to stop him, I couldn’t. It was taking everything I had just to stay conscious. If I blacked out, it was over.
Finding Ever After Page 37